Electric Blue and Chocolate Brown
Disclaimer: I own nothing, I'm just playing with characters that already exist.
Summary: Teresa muses on Ryan and how they don't belong together anymore. Season 1, set after the Goodbye Girl.
Ryan's eyes are blue, almost electric blue in the light. Unnatural looking, unique; too good for Chino. Which is why he lives in Newport now, glittering beautiful, idyllic Newport. A place that can appreciate someone like Ryan in ways Chino never could, his looks and his brains won't go to waste here.
Your eyes are brown, chocolate brown so you've been told. Warm and comforting but utterly un-unique, much like yourself. You're just another Chino girl, dime a dozen where you're from. You're pretty, yes but nothing special. You don't fit in in Newport, you don't glitter the way those people do, the way Ryan can. You can't fit in in that perfect world.
You'll always just be that girl from Chino, cheap jeans and spaghetti tops, not haute couture gowns, you weren't cut out for that life and you're okay with that, really. It's nice to visit but it isn't your world, you never wanted it to be, despite what they think, all you did want was Ryan. To be where he was, because wherever Ryan is you're home, and wherever you are he's home. That's just the way it works, has done since you were kids. You didn't make the rules you just know they're there, but even with Ryan there you don't fit in Newport with people like Marissa.
You can't compete with that girl, she was born to play this role in this perfect world, you weren't, you're too real, too practical to exist here. She can spend all day fantasising about the perfect outfit or party but you have more mundane concerns, the world is not going to end if the Spring Formal isn't perfect, you've got bigger problems: your mom being laid off, Arturo constantly in trouble with the law, Eddie pushing you for a commitment you're not ready to make, safe in the knowledge that you're in no position to refuse him at the moment. Marissa thinks her life is so hard, she hasn't lived yours, she wouldn't last a day.
You don't begrudge Ryan his Newport life, he deserves it, and you're happy he's finally safe, but part of you wants him to take you with him, to help you escape Chino the way he did. You should know better really, just because Ryan belongs there doesn't mean you do, this is his chance, not yours, it just took you a while to see that. All you wanted was an escape, a nice little bolthole to hide out in, what you got was a reality check.
You want Ryan, you love him, always have done, but you can't destroy him and you staying here will do exactly that, Eddie is never going to let you go and Ryan will pay the price for your disobedience. You can't let that happen.
Perhaps Marissa can see Ryan beaten and bloodied in her name, but you can't. Because when you see him bruised and limping you don't see tough teenage Ryan the way she does you see frightened ten year old Ryan and you know that's what he feels too.
You won't be responsible for bringing his worst nightmares back to life. You're not that selfish, it isn't fair to him, expecting him to save you. You're not a child; you should be capable of saving yourself. You aren't about to make Ryan pay for your mistakes. You're not her; you'd never be able to look yourself in the eye if you did that.
So you left, slipped away in the night without a word because you knew he'd never willingly let you go. You wonder what he'll feel when he realises you've gone. Hurt yes, obviously, but he'll survive. You know he cares for you, but did he ever love you?
That's the thing with Ryan; he's almost impossible to read, even to you, you'd be the last to know if he did. One thing you can say for certain is that he doesn't love Marissa. He can't, he barely knows her and one thing you do know about Ryan is how long it takes him to trust people. She knows less than nothing about him and that is not going to change for a long, long time, especially since, as the Oliver incident has shown, she obviously doesn't trust him either.
You can't love someone you don't trust and Ryan doesn't trust Marissa enough to tell her his past. But he does trust you, does that mean he loves you, or just that the potential for love is there? It's not something you've ever really talked about before, who has time for love in Chino? It's only here in Newport that the thought of love even occurs to you, it was always just friends and fucking before, not love, but could there be more to your relationship than even you realised? You suppose you can live with not knowing, it isn't as though you have a choice.
You won't break his heart and yours by asking if he does love you only to leave. Knowing Ryan he wouldn't realise what he really felt until forced to vocalise it and you won't force him, that's what he always liked about you. You don't push, not like her.
It doesn't matter what you feel anyway, you don't come from this world. You can't afford to throw all sense out the window for love. You can't afford to be that reckless. This isn't a fairytale and you're not a princess, if you screw up no one is going to ride to your rescue, nobody except Ryan and you of all people know what that could cost him.
What you two have will never work out; you've both come too far. You're not the same people you were last summer and that's good but your relationship will always be part of that world back then. It doesn't translate into now, you tried and failed. Perhaps this is for the best.
The only problem is believing that and you can't because when you dreamed of the future you always saw Ryan, standing right by your side, and now…you're adrift, unsure what to do or say. You don't know what will happen next and that scares you, all you do know is that Ryan won't be there to see it with you and that hurts.
All you can see when you think of him is what could have been, the life you two could have led, the children you could have had. It wouldn't have necessarily been a great life, it would have been hard, and dull but you'd have been happy. You know that as surely as you know your own name, it wouldn't have been glamorous or flashy but it would have been happy. You'd never have gone anywhere, done anything, but then you never expected to.
You know that the life he has now will give him a better future than this, kids and a dead end job. He'll have a good career, a bright future, but will he be happy? You hope so, and you pray he'll find someone better than Marissa to share it with. It's not that you don't like her; you just know that she won't make him happy. They're polar opposites and not in the sense opposites attract, you two may not come from the same world anymore, but really, Ryan can't even relate to Marissa, he can pretend but he will never understand her, and she is never going to understand him.
So as you drive away from Ryan there's no bitterness in your heart, no jealousy that Marissa is the one there instead of you, only love, and some pain that you're not going to be with him. You love him too much to get in his way, sometimes love is about letting someone go, not holding them close, perhaps that's a lesson Marissa could do to learn as well.
Just posting another old fic, I'd almost forgotten I'd even written this one until I stumbled across it!
Anyway, please review and tell me what you think!
Thanks!
XXX