A/n: I know it's short and I probably made quite some grammar mistakes, but I hope you like it and review. Also it's my first svu fic and first English fic, not my native language!
Spoilers: Loss and Guilt
I wake up every morning, thinking will this be the last day I'll be in the Witness Protection Program? Will I go home soon? But after a moment or two, I start asking myself other questions. Is this the last morning I'm going to wake up? Will this be the last day I will ever see? At that moment I don't know and I think I'm scared to know. Liam Conners may be extradited to Ireland, but it didn't eliminate the threat.
I should probably be completely honest with myself, because I do know the answer to a few of those questions. The only problem are the answers are questions too.
Will this be the last day I will ever live? The answer is: 'Am I alive?'
Am I Alive? I don't know. Alexandra Cabot, the kickass ada from New York, is dead and Emily, the claims adjuster from Wisconsin, is no more. I don't know who I am. Every day I have to remind myself that I am not Alex Cabot, but Ella or Jennifer or Lisa and the list goes on. Every time a new gets added, part of the old me fades. I don't think many more names can be added without me fading completely.
Without my identity, how can I be alive? I may sleep, eat, breath and work. But does that mean I'm alive? I can undergo metabolism, maintain homeostasis, possess a capacity to grow, respond to stimuli, reproduce and, through natural selection, adapt to my environment in successive generations. So biologically speaking I live. I just don't know if that is enough.
It's odd how in the morning I'm positive and negative. I have hope to leave the Witness Protection Program and to go back home to New York, yet I also think of my dead more than a average human being without a life-threatening illness. They're exact opposites, yet I think about them both every morning.
Am I alive? And if I am, who am I?