I wrote this years ago, at that period of time I was a serious Zelda fan and really like making parodies. Therefore, I came across this tale while cleaning my room, read it, liked it, and now I am presenting it to you.
Chapter One: An Ordinary Day
It was a typical morning in the Hyrule Field as two figures stood from a distant, thus far the only sound heard was that of the two inhabitants. As the two progressed through the unvoiced lands, they reached the end of the incline.
Suddenly one of the figures had immediately thrown his hood back, illuminating a blondish like hair, his hands was surveying all throughout his body. The teenager by the name of Link had then begun to rummage around his pockets, pulling out an assortment of items from money to used three-week-old ass wipe tissue.
Link had then pulled out the cloth from his pockets, there was no more to check, his pockets were dead empty. "Aww Crap I think I lost it!"
The other figure then looked down upon Link who was scattered on the ground retracing his steps who returned his gaze terribly. Raising an eyebrow in a moment of consideration, the dark figure stepped forward quivering his head.
"What in the…hell…are you doing?" Tidus had said unsympathetically. Link had then stood up as the wind rippled through his black cloak, "I, I was looking for that…for that...that thing Zelda had gave me! Ya know! the thing that allows us to flow through time! There's no way we can get in Hyrule like this, we have a death sentence to are names!"
Tidus had taken another deep breath releasing white sinuosity from his warm breath rising from beneath the thick hood of his cloak, recollecting his memories on such tragedy. "I thought you shoved it down Princess Ruto's throat when she had admitted her feeling to you."
Link had then got up reminiscing on what had happened that day, "Oh yeah, I bet she'll never forget that day."
:Flash Back:
Fruity had walked up to Link, her cheeks filled with a purplish blue, "Uh Link… I love you I feel as though today is the right time that we can start a true relationship!" She had said while running towards Link with wide open arms only to get shoved back.
"What the Fuck! You think I like you, what in the hell did I do to deserve this! You overgrown….FISH!" Link had said reaching in his back pocket for the Ocarina Zelda had given him. Fruity had then regained her stance, "Wel-l-l at lease I didn't join the Teletubies you big fatass!"
"O-o-o-o-ok, why in the hell are you watching PBS kids? I thought we talked about that crap! The government is diluting your mind with these devil worshipping shows!"
Fruity had then jumped to her defense, "How do you know exactly that I was watching PBS kids?
Link then looks across from Ruto pointing his finger towards a bright yellow TV.
: TV Theme Song comes on: Tinkywinky…Dispsy…Lala… PO…Teletubies…Teletubies… Say He-l-l-l-l-O
Po then leaps in the air "Et oooooo!"
Fruity had then stomped over to Link her head getting larger and larger by the second…"You freaking fucktard! You don't care about anyone else but yourself!" Time slowed down as Fruity yelled and swung her hand over to Link's balls, all that could be heard was a slap sound that echoed the room.
Director had then interrupted clearing his throat, "The Curved fagots are attacking! There coming out the fucking TV! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
The narrator then tries to outrun the three Teletubies pursuing him, he pulls out a toy walkie talkie as he proceeds down the contracted hallway, "I have three fat asses on my tail, I repeat three fat asses on my tail!" he then runs to a dead end. "Back off you piece of crap! Yeah I read the newspapers your mother was arrested for overdosing cocaine and weed! Such a dumb shit!
Dipsy, Lala, and Tinkywinky had then let out horrid scream of pain as they tackled the narrator, his body slammed against the wall with a reverberating thud. However, while all this was going on Link let out a scream of pain as he took his distasteful piece of crap which Zelda called Ocarina and thrust it down Fruity's throat.
Fruity had then let go of Links crotch, she gasped for air as she fell to her knees "Uh Link I think… I can't breath!"
Link had stood there with an exhausting smile, "no shit!"
:End Of Flash Back:
A chilly breeze wafted through the day's air, over the Hyrule mountain range and around the glowing City, Tidus had looked towards the city resting his hand on his forehead to block the sun's luminosity. A soft frown then painted across Tidus's face as he looked towards Link who was apparently digging up his nose not paying any attention to the role he was supposedly playing.
"Link its your turn," Tidus had whispered threw the back of is teeth, but there was no response from Link, he just continued on digging.
"Gotdamn it Link! I didn't sign this contract to partner along with a dumb ass such as yourself get it together LINK!"
Link had then stopped, "Oh sorry, you know I have ADD mode. Well anyway maybe we should go visit Zelda, Ya know, swipe another Ocarina like the one we did last year.
Tidus had than smirked wrapping his hands around his chin, "I wonder what ever happened to that Ocarina?"
Narrator, "Sorry but we will not accept anymore flash backs since the employers, employees, and studio was damage from such a severe attack.
Nearby the two teens, there stood two guards, who protected the gates of Hyrule Castle; they watched Tidus and Link talk among themselves cogitating if they were planning to do anything mischievous.
Guard #1 had sniff while rubbing his hand against the metal that protected his pubic area. " Uhhh, My son told me I was gay this mourning, or psychologically disturbed. And last week my little three year old boy had the nerve to stuff my left testicle in a meat grinder. I'm like what the hell is going on!"
Guard #2 had then tilted his head towards Guard #1, "What in the hell were they waiting for, if it was me, Ha I would have done it a… I mean how awful, did you beat them?"
Guard #1 had grunted, "Of course, I beat them! I threw my three-year-old son out the sixth floor of my apartment. Man you should of heard the noise he made when he hit the pavement. And for my other son I…"
"Hey fags! We just wanted to get in." Link had said with his Master Sword stabbed into the ground, its steel blade gleaming in the glow of the sun.
Guard #2 had then pulled out a scroll and unrolled it, its page hit the ground in a continuous flow, "It says here that Trespassing is no longer allowed on Sundays, but you can come back on Monday through Thursday 8-5pm.
"What…The…Fck" Tidus had said pulling his hood back; Link had then patted him in the back. "Calm down Tidus well just come back on Monday." Tidus had grunted and shook his head in response, "No! This fag right here just eyed me, that son of a…"
Guard #2 had then jumped back landing on the tip of his toes, "I knew it, I just knew it, admit it, just admit! Step out the closet Guard #1! Step out the closet! Oooo I got something you want, ha want it? Want it?" He had said jumping like a fag as every word escaped his mouth.
Tidus had then pulled out a bomb and ran over to Guard #2 who was intensely occupied and making Guard #1 admit that he was gay. Tidus had then shoved a bomb down his pants then impelled himself back a couple of feet as the guard exploded, his organs and guts flew in every direction bitch slapping everyone in the face.
Director, "Who in the hell is playing with the special effects?"
Dispy then runs out the CG room and heads for the window, only to realize that he had jumped from the 240th floor of the world trade centers. "O-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh Shit" His body hit the concrete with a crunch like sound splashing blood into the little babies eyes.
:Lights Go back Dim:
After 30 minutes of Link and Tidus staring into oblivious, Tidus had then ruminated a brilliant Idea, Tidus had smirked as he raised his arm and clutched his fist, "Link thinking what I'm thinking?" Link had then scratched his head and smiled in return. "Way ahead of ya bro!"
Link had then Jumped on Tidus back and unzips his pants…
"What the F---"
Narrator, "Were sorry to interrupt you but we have just received an argent message, the word fuck is no longer in the dictionary. Thank you and have a nice day!"
Tidus had then punched link in the face digging his face further and further in to the ground as the surface began to crumble from the force that was applied. Tidus had then smiled as he dusted his hands and walked into Hyrule Castle.
:Hyrule Market:
Link had followed with a purplish bluish eye, tripping over his own footsteps as he proceeded further into the Market.
Link had then felled down noticing a cuddly kid lying against the pavement, "Aww… look at that little toddler smashed against the pavement." Link had crawled up to the little boy who struggled to peel himself off the ground.
The toddler had then ripped his head off the ground and glared at Link his face was still attached to the floor, all that could be seen was bear meat! "When I get off I'm gonna rip your ass limb to limb! Then I'm going to show dad how it feels to go bungee jumping off the sixth floor! Link had then backed up in shock and ran towards Tidus.
Tidus had took another deep breath rubbing his hand against his forehead, "Link what are you doing, stop fooling around and help me find a good route to Zelda's room. Don't you need that Ocarina!"
Link had scratched his head, "But that was like four pages ago!" Tidus had then slap the sh!t out of Link giving him another color distorted eye.
Link's face had then decorated the concrete, "Gotdamn it! I'm tired of this shit. Next time I sign a movie contract I'm going to make sure MY character is the one who slaps the sh!t out of everyone else!
Tidus had smirked to his response, "Link, You Can't Read! You just marked an X on the signature spot, and then expect to get paid 1,000 dollars. Oh no buddy there going to make sure that 1,000 dollars is invested into you insurance bill. Because when this story is done, hell your gonna need it!"
Well did you like it so far? I just wanted to know before I go ahead and finish typing the rest of this story and find out it's not worth anything. Well anyway, please Review people and tell me if you want me to continue I would really appreciate it.
In addition, the narrator has a few comments he would like to state.
Narrator, "So now that Link and Tidus are within the Hyrule walls, will they find a route to Zelda's room to retrieve another Ocarina? Will Link stop being slap and start being the one who slaps? And how much wood can a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Well find out on the next exciting chapter of Zelda: The Search of a New Ocarina.