Loosing Him
Seeing them together is like a punch to the gut. I just want to curl up onto the floor and whimper. But I can't. I've got to be happy for them like everyone else is. I've got to smile when they accidentally brush their fingers together and blush. I've got to be blasé. It's that or-
It's killing me. He's so happy with her. She's like a blasted ray of sunshine in his world, so much so, that he doesn't bother stepping out of it. When I pass him in a corridor he smiles and I return the expression. He doesn't bother looking deeper into me. To see the cracks in the façade.
You'll probably say it was never meant to be. That if he can be happy with perfect little telekinetic girl then we aren't suited. And they know each other so well. She'll make him the perfect leader that professor wants him to be. They'll be the perfect couple. That's how it's supposed to be.
Hell, their psyches in me are certainly delirious. They couldn't have been happier when Jean and Scott returned from Mexico, hands clasped tightly. The psyches are in solitary right now. Won't be out for at least a month. I'm consoling myself by keeping the brotherhood in mind. Literally. Listening to Pietro diss the two is far easier that attempting to kill them with a glare- that's his forte.
But what if their relationship wasn't written in stone? There are so many 'what if's and 'if only's. I mean, if she were out of the picture would it be like that Christmas in New York? I still remember his embrace in the hospital. I felt so connected. For the first time in so very long I actually felt…content.
She's smothering him. He used to be less uptight. There's less of 'Let's go for a ride' than 'let's hit the danger room'. He's no longer a part of the team. He's the fearless leader. I'm loosing him.
But how can I loose him when I never really had him? When I never really tried? By standing stage left rather than in the limelight, I probably killed all hope even before they got together.
They say it's never too late, but it is. I'm not sadistic. Not in the sense that I'd break them up just to have him. In any case, he won't be happy that way. I fixed that as irrevocably as she did, by simply not making a move.
Maybe I can change that. Maybe if I ever get the chance I'll make the grab instead of letting someone else do it. Maybe then it'll be me who gets the lovin'.
Perhaps it'll be me who gets the next 'Scott' in life rather than the next 'Jean'.
****
In remembrance of all the frustrations in hoping for a couple that'll never exist outside fan fiction, and the common cold.