Author's Notes:

B flat.

DAN VS. THE AFFAIR

by Mythril Moth

Dingy sunlight filtered through a grimy window, splashing a grey, smoky streak across the face of a short man with dark, scruffy hair, a ragged soul patch, and a generous growth of stubble.

The man stirred, opening bloodshot green eyes. He smacked his lips, grimacing at the taste of morning breath and...something else he wasn't awake enough to identify.

Slowly, he sat up and scratched his belly. He tugged at the rumpled, stained black T-shirt he wore, which had the word 'JERK' printed across the front.

His hand landed upon a warm lump underneath the sheets. He frowned; the lump was too large and too soft to be his beloved mangy grey cat. Wiping the sleep crust from his eyes, he pulled back the sheets, frowning as his bleary gaze fell uncomprehendingly upon the other occupant of the bed.

The weak sunlight wasn't helping much, so he fumbled for the switch to the small lamp on the bedside table. It clicked on, the bare bulb shedding soft yellow light over the bed. He turned his gaze to the bed's other occupant.

A curtain of maroon hair swept down to a woman's bare shoulder. His gaze travelled down from that shoulder to the generous contours of a trim, fit, shapely nude body.

The woman groaned and rolled onto her back. As her face fell into view, the sleepy early-morning fog in the man's mind abruptly cleared. He threw the sheet off, revealing the woman's fully nude body, and his own lack of boxer shorts. "Oh. My. God."

Jumping off the bed, he searched the room until he found his blue jeans, which he hastily pulled on. He scrambled for the door, flinging it open, and stumbled down the steps to the street below. Balling his hands into fists, which he thrust angrily to the heavens, he threw back his head and screamed...

"AFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR!"

PART ONE

Elise stirred, grimacing as she blinked her eyes open. "Chris?" she mumbled. She felt around; the other half of the bed was empty. "Mmn," she uttered, sitting up blearily. It only took a few seconds for her to realize she was naked. Something about that didn't seem right, but...

Something soft struck her in the face. "Cover up," an angry voice ordered from somewhere in the room. Elise blinked and removed the offending object from her face. It was her own shirt.

"Are you just going to sit there like an idiot? Put it on!"

I know that growl, she thought. "DAN!" she shouted. "Agh!" she clutched her forehead. "God, I have a headache..."

"There's medicine...somewhere," Dan grumbled. "Put your shirt on already, I'm still looking for the rest of your clothes."

Elise blinked. "The rest of my—" Slowly, her senses rebooted, and she looked around. "...Dan? Why am I in your apartment? ...in your bed?" With a mix of cold dread and anger, she added, "...naked?"

Dan stormed into view, glaring at her and shaking a fist. "Because YOU MADE ME HAVE SEX WITH YOU LAST NIGHT, you sad excuse for my best friend's wife!"

Elise blinked...then hurriedly put her shirt on and made sure the rest of her body was completely covered by the dingy sheets. "Who made who do what now?"

"Try...VERY HARD...to remember," Dan seethed through gritted teeth.

Elise frowned, struggling to recall the previous night. As though a switch had been thrown, everything came rushing back at once. Her eyes widened. "Oh no."

Elise had only seen what stood before her once or twice in her entire married life.

Chris was angry.

Not the passive-aggressive anger flashes that came and went in a matter of seconds (usually triggered by Dan), but genuine anger. And it was directed at her.

"There. Was. A. HOLE. IN. OUR. HOUSE."

Elise winced. "Well...there isn't now?" she offered plaintively.

Chris clenched his fists. "And just how do you explain that?" he asked. "I turned my back for ten seconds! And don't try to tell me I imagined the hole!" He pulled out his phone and held it out to her; his hand shook violently. On the screen was a photo of a massive hole in the outside wall of the house, wiring sticking out like entrails and pipes spewing water.

Elise frowned and looked away, crossing her arms.

"I mean it's not like we don't have holes in our house all the time," Chris said. "But they're usually Dan's fault. But Dan isn't here. Dan's at home watching TV. So where did this hole come from, and how did it get fixed so fast?"

Elise sighed. "Chris..."

"No, Elise. I'm tired." Chris tossed his phone on the kitchen table and started pacing. "You're always hiding things from me. You always say stuff that it doesn't make sense for you to know, and then when I try to ask about it, you evade. I'm completely open and honest with you, and I thought, you know, maybe since you're my wife, you'd MAYBE be open and honest with me. That's what marriage is. But there's all these things you don't tell me." He crossed his arms. "And then there's this weird double-standard you have when it comes to Dan."

"What does Dan have to do with this?" Elise asked.

"Whenever Dan wants me to go wreak vengeance with him, you get mad at me, even though you know I usually don't want to get involved. You want me to stop being friends with Dan. I've even heard you make plans to kill Dan! But how many times have you screamed at me for going along on one of Dan's schemes, and then all of a sudden you show up out of nowhere and you're not only in on it, but you're enjoying yourself! And don't deny it. I'm not an idiot." He paused, then amended, "I'm not a complete idiot."

Elise looked down, letting her arms fall to her sides.

Chris sighed and covered his face with his palm. "I need some time to myself," he said tiredly. "And you need to go somewhere and think really hard about what our marriage means to you."

Elise blinked. "Are you—are you kicking me out of my own house?"

"Well one of us has to go, and I'm staying where all the food is!"

Elise gave a shocked gasp, trying to form words. She threw her arms up in the air. "Chris, you can't just kick me out of my own house!"

"DO AS I SAY, WOMAN!" Chris thundered, standing suddenly and pointing a trembling finger at the door, face contorted in rage.

Elise stared at him in complete shock. Her ire drained from her like water through a sieve. She sighed heavily. "Alright...I'll see you tomorrow." She turned and trudged to the front door, casting one last heavy look back at her husband.

"Wow. And he just...kicked you out?"

Elise sat on Dan's sofa, face in her hands. "I've never seen him angry like this," she said. "He's really, really pissed off at me."

"I don't blame him," Dan said, patting her on the shoulder. "You do keep things from him. Sometimes I wonder if he's even your husband, or just some kind of...convenient accessory."

Elise looked up at Dan in shock. "I love my husband!" she said. "I do..." She looked down again and sighed. "And he's right. I...I don't trust him enough..." She sniffled. "And...I guess it's not fair of me to yell at him for hanging out with you when I've gotten involved in just about as many of your crazy schemes as he has."

"Yeah, and you're a lot better at it, too," Dan said. "If it weren't for all the screaming and ball-busting, you'd actually be a better revenge buddy than Chris."

"Thanks...I think."

"So...just out of curiosity..." Dan said, drumming his fingers on his knees, "why did you come over here when Chris kicked you out? Don't girls usually go running to their mooo—" Dan paused, thinking about what he was about to say. "Don't girls usually go running to their other girlfriends when they have a fight with a man?"

Elise sighed. "Well...to tell the truth...it was either you or Ninja Dave. I mean, you're pretty much the closest thing to friends I've got." She bowed her head. "God that's depressing."

"There there," Dan said. "Ordinarily I'd be happy to hear Chris threw you out. Heck, ordinarily I'd be offering to help dispose of the body."

"Not helping, Dan..."

"How WOULD you want your body disposed of, anyway? Hypothetically."

"Dan..." Elise growled.

"Just making conversation," Dan said.

"Why are you always like that?" Elise asked. "What did I ever do to you?"

Dan was quiet for a moment. In a soft voice, he said, "I guess...I'm jealous."

"Of me? For 'stealing' Chris?" Elise frowned. "Yeah, I've kinda noticed."

"Of both of you," Dan said. He looked up at Elise. "Yes, I'm jealous of you because you stole my best friend from me. And...I'm jealous of Chris because despite being the least interesting, least attractive loser in the whole world, he somehow managed to find himself a beautiful, sexy, caring woman." He frowned. "And actually made it all the way to the altar. I look at the two of you, then I look at my own track record with women..."

"Yeah, well...you've got a lot of issues to work out," Elise said without any heat or conviction.

"And Chris doesn't?"

"Touche." Elise paused. "Wait. You think I'm sexy?"

"Of course you are!" Dan said. "A man would have to be blind and retarded not to see how sexy you are! You're beautiful and you have an amazing body! You're all legs and hips and...well, you've got better tits than all those stupid floozies who spend millions of dollars on plastic surgery!"

Elise blinked. "Thanks, Dan. Really." She leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek.

"Yeesh," Dan said, shuddering. "Don't get all sappy on me."

"At least someone thinks I'm sexy," Elise muttered. She stared down at her lap. "Chris doesn't seem to notice."

"What do you mean?"

Elise laughed bitterly. "We only have sex three times a year. Valentine's Day, our anniversary, and my birthday." She sighed. "And even then, he's barely interested."

Dan blinked. "Seriously?" Elise nodded her head. "Wow," Dan said. "That's...sad. Also more than I really needed to know about what you two do in your bedroom."

"Dan, you break into our bedroom at night so often you could write a book about what we do in the bedroom."

"Point. Still." Dan frowned. "So he just...never wants to?"

"It's like he's the black hole of libido," Elise said with a sigh. "You have no idea how frustrating that is for me. I mean, I'm a married woman who goes without sex for seven months at a time!"

"Ouch." Dan sighed. "That's a shame. I don't understand Chris' problem. If I had a beautiful, sexy wife like you, I wouldn't be able to go a whole week without."

Elise quirked an eyebrow at Dan. "Really?" She turned to look him in the eyes. "I never would've pictured you as a man who'd be ready or capable of satisfying a woman's needs..."

Dan shrugged. "I have many hidden talents."

"Do tell..."

Elise frowned. "Okay, so why are you mad at me, why did it take me so long to remember what happened last night, and why do I have a headache? Neither of us was drunk!"

Dan scratched his chin. "Yyyeah...you hit your head on the ceiling when you came and knocked yourself out. And I'm mad at you because I JUST HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MY BEST FRIEND'S WIFE!" He threw his arms out to the sides. "If you hadn't started talking about how you and Chris never have sex, and hadn't been sitting there looking all pathetic and sexy, and then got all needy and...touchy..." Dan trailed off. "Wanna do it again before I get revenge on you?"

"God yes," Elise said. "Wait, no!" She paused. "Wait...I came?"

"Did you EVER!" Dan exclaimed. "I thought you had to be possessed by the devil to make noises and fluid secretions like that!"

Elise looked down, frowning. "Every time I've been with Chris, I've had to fake it..."

"You sure as heck weren't faking last night," Dan said.

"Okay okay, enough already!" Elise said.

"Well then...time for the revenge," Dan said, grinning evilly. Then, he paused. "Hmm. Actually, I'm not even sure how to go about getting revenge on you for this."

Elise frowned. "Why...would you even want to get revenge on me for last night?"

Dan groaned, pressing his palm to his forehead. "Look...I've broken almost all of the Ten Commandments. I only meant to break eight of them. Thanks to you, I've broken one of the two I was going to leave alone!"

Elise stared flatly at him. "You don't even go to church, Dan."

"That's not the point!" Dan said. "I have my limits, and...adultery isn't cool." He sighed. "I mean, sure, it'd be nice if I could be completely amoral about it, because last night was awesome, but..." He trailed off.

Elise shook her head. "Look, I didn't mean for any of this to happen. It just...it just happened." She sighed. "I need to get cleaned up and go home. I need to patch things up with Chris."

Dan fidgeted. "Let me...let me take you to breakfast first," he said. "You know there won't be anything left to eat at your house."

Elise smiled. "Sure, Dan."

Elise directed Dan to a small, upscale cafe, far removed from his usual haunts. The quality was far better than what he was used to, even if the prices were a nightmare. "I'm paying," Elise said casually as Dan frowned at the menu.

"This is supposed to be me taking you out," Dan said.

Elise raised an eyebrow. "Can you actually afford this place?"

"No. No I cannot."

"Then I'm paying," Elise said.

They talked as they ate, and the subject turned back to Chris. "I really do keep too much from him," Elise said with a sigh. "It's just...I don't know..."

"Look, Elise," Dan began, "I know you're into...something. And whatever it is you really do, I'm sure it's pretty...secret agent-y. I mean, I've seen you fight ninjas and use weapons that don't really exist! So obviously, someone in your line of work—whatever that is—"

"Special assassin, saboteur, and the development and testing of superweapons," Elise said.

Dan blinked. "Right, so obviously, someone in your line of work has things she can't tell anyone, even her husband."

"It's just...it'd really freak Chris out if he knew my job occasionally involves murder," Elise said as she spread jam on a croissant.

"I doubt it'd really affect him that much," Dan said. "Chris is, well...he's a doormat."

"I've noticed," Elise said sourly.

"I mean sure, sometimes he tries not to be a doormat, and he can get really scary when all that suppressed anger blows, but...most of the time, he's too spineless to really object to anything, or even spend much energy questioning it. Plus, he's easily distracted by food."

"Again, I've noticed." Elise sighed. "But last night was...different. You didn't see him, Dan. He really wants answers..." She paused. "I'm not sure what I want to say to him." Her eyes widened, and she smacked her forehead. "I've got my phone off! I'd better..." She dug her phone out of her purse and turned it on. "Oh? New messages..." She put her phone on speaker and let the messages play.

/Honey? It's...it's me...are you okay? I'm sorry. Come home./

/Elise? Elise, it's Chris...look...I was wrong...it's okay if you have secrets from me...just...call me./

/Why aren't you picking up? Come on, I want you to come home.../

/You're not off doing secret stuff when we're supposed to be making up after a fight, are you?/

/Uh, forget that last message.../

Elise turned off the speaker and stared at the phone.

"Wow. That...was pretty pathetic," Dan said.

Elise sighed. "I'd better go," she said. "Thanks for everything, Dan." She put her phone back in her purse, laid a wad of money on the table for the check and the tip, then leaned down and gave Dan a peck on the cheek before leaving.

Dan watched her go. "Huh," he said.

Elise walked through the front door to find Chris slumped on the living room sofa, covered in crumbs and stains and staring blankly. "I'm back," she said quietly.

Chris blinked. "Elise? You came back?"

"It is my house."

Chris lurched to his feet and charged her. "ELISE! YOU CAME BACK!" He swept her up in a hug and twirled her around. "Oh beautiful, I'm so sorry for everything I said, I missed you and I don't care about the hole in the house and also we're out of food."

Elise gently extricated herself from his grasp. "No, you were right to be upset about the hole in the house," she said. "And also about me keeping secrets from you. Also, I figured you'd eat all the food in the house. It's okay. We'll get more." She guided him over to the sofa and sat down, patting his leg. "About the hole..."

"I don't care about the hole, I'm just glad you came back..."

"No, let me explain," Elise said. She took a deep breath. "I was working on a microwave pulse rifle yesterday and I had a little accident."

"Microwave pulse rifle?" Chris asked.

"You know how convenience stores have those signs about the microwave ovens, to warn people with pacemakers?" At Chris' nod, Elise continued, "The microwave pulse rifle is designed to kill people with pacemakers, but is harmless to anyone and everything else. It's a sniper weapon."

"Why people with pacemakers?" Chris asked, frowning.

Elise shrugged. "I guess it's for enemies of the state with bad hearts. Anyway, there were a couple of circuits in the power control that weren't up to spec, so when I put in the power supply, well...something went wrong." She gesticulated wildly with her hands. "The power supply overloaded, the rifle went off, it fired over rated capacity, drained the battery, melted the magnetron, and..."

"Blew a hole in our house?"

"Yep."

Chris frowned. "How did a gun that shoots microwaves blow a hole in our house?"

"You know how I won't let you boil water in the microwave because it superheats?"

Chris grimaced. "Those were some pretty nasty burns," he said, looking down at his hands and shuddering.

"Well, when the overload shot hit the pipes in the walls..." Elise shook her head. "Anyway, the people I work for have people that can fix accidents like that before they draw attention. It's just dumb luck that you walked in and saw it before they fixed it."

Chris frowned. "I see." He stared into her eyes. "So...is that everything you're keeping from me?"

Elise looked away. "I can't give you an honest answer to that question, Chris. I'm sorry."

Chris sighed, slumping forward.

"Hey," Elise said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Let's go grocery shopping, okay? And maybe tonight we can go out and have fun."

"Hmm...okay," Chris said. "So Elise...where'd you go last night anyway?"

Elise rubbed her right arm with her left hand. "I spent the night at Dan's place."

"Seriously?" Chris asked, blinking. "You hate Dan!"

"I don't hate Dan," Elise said. "I just...think he's a toxic friend." She frowned. "But...it was either him or Ninja Dave, so..."

Chris sighed. "We...really need to get better friends..."

By late afternoon, Chris had completely reverted to his usual behavior, and seemed unwilling to ask Elise any more questions about her job. Elise was grateful for this; there was, strangely enough, no actual rule against telling people what she did and who she worked for, but she still felt as though the less Chris knew about her double life, the better it would be for their marriage.

They'd had a long late lunch. Elise had just finished cleaning up the kitchen; she walked out into the living room to find Chris passed out on the couch, drooling slightly. She shook his shoulder gently. "Hey. Hey Chris. Wake up."

Chris didn't respond.

"I wanna go out and do something fun," she said, shaking him harder. "Come on, honey, wake up. Let's go out." She sat next to him and traced a finger along his jaw. "Or we could stay in..." she purred seductively.

Chris snorted in his sleep, farted, and rolled his head in the other direction. He started to snore.

Elise sighed. "Forget it." She headed upstairs, intent on spending some aimless time surfing the web. Halfway upstairs, she paused, frowning. She pulled out her phone. "Hey Dan, it's Elise. Doing anything right now? Can I come over? Hm? Chris? He's taking a nap. Yeah. Okay, cool."

Elise left a note on the coffee table for Chris...then realized he'd be more likely to find it if she stuck it to the fridge.

Halfway to Dan's, she thought of something and made a detour, stopping at a pharmacy. Five minutes later, she was back on the road, a small brown paper bag and a larger plastic bag sitting in the shotgun seat.

Dan and Elise sat on Dan's worn-out couch, munching chips and salsa. "So, how'd everything go when you got home?" Dan asked.

"Chris tried to apologize for getting mad at me," Elise said. "I told him he had a right to be angry, and...I told him part of the truth about what I do."

"Which part?"

"The part that explains the hole in the house."

"Good choice."

"Then we went grocery shopping, because he managed to eat a week's worth of food in one night, and..." Elise sighed. "I had hoped we could go out and do something, or...well, you know...but after lunch he passed out on the sofa and I couldn't wake him up."

Dan frowned. "Do you think he's still upset with you?"

"No, he's completely back to normal. Which is actually worse," Elise said. "Anyway, I...I guess I just...needed some company."

Dan patted her knee. "I understand," he said.

Elise looked down, hands folded in her lap. "Dan, I...I wanted to thank you. For being there for me. For last night...all of last night. And for this morning."

Dan looked at her, then looked down, face slightly pink. "Uhh...sure, Elise."

"I wish Chris had even a tenth of your passion," Elise said.

Dan blinked. "Passion?"

"Well...you're passionate in an angry, psychotic asshole sort of way," Elise said. "Which is better than Chris' whiny, passive-aggressive blandness."

Dan frowned. "Elise...maybe you shouldn't pick away at Chris' many flaws."

Elise snorted. "That's what wives do," she said with a laugh.

"Yeah, but..."

"Look, I'm mad at him right now, okay?" Elise said. "I'm mad at him for a lot of things. Not last night, not anything from today, but just...in general."

"Do you...do you wanna talk about it?" Dan asked.

"You really want to hear it?"

Dan shrugged. "Strangely enough...I really do," he said. "For some reason I can't quite put my finger on, I actually...kinda care."

"Aww, that's sweet," Elise said, drawing Dan into a hug. She sighed. "I already complained about how he never wants to make love, right?"

"Yeah," Dan said.

"Well...there's another angle to that," Elise said. She sighed heavily. "I really want kids. I want to be a mother. But every time I try to talk to Chris about it, well..."

Dan tilted his head. "Actually, now that you mention it, I do seem to remember a time you mentioned babies to Chris and he wandered off to shove food in his face..."

"It's weird," Elise said. "We have like this, Fifties sitcom marriage. We sleep in the same bed, he kisses me and says nice things to me and we have little romantic interludes, but it's all so...so..."

"G-rated?" Dan suggested.

"Exactly! It's like he never wants anything PG-13 to happen between us." Elise sighed. "And you can't exactly make a baby without getting R-rated. Or at least TV-MA."

Dan blinked. "Wait...they can actually show that on television now?"

"If it's rated TV-MA they can show people having sex," Elise said. "Naked butts all over the place and everything."

"Wow. I must be watching all the wrong shows."

Elise laughed. "They can only show a few seconds of it though," she said. "Anyway...don't get me wrong, I do like the attention I get from Chris. I just wish our relationship was more like husband and wife instead of like two teens having a high school romance."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure teenagers have a lot more sex than you two are having," Dan said.

Elise slapped him upside the head. "Thanks for that, jerk." She sighed. "Anyway...I brought something else besides chips and salsa." She leaned over to where she'd left her purse and retrieved the smaller paper bag, which she handed to Dan.

"What could this be?" Dan asked playfully, opening the bag and looking inside. He pulled out a dark blue box with tasteful stripes and the word 'SPARTAN' on the front, next to a picture of a bronze helmet. "What the—condoms?!"

Elise smiled shyly, rubbing circles on Dan's thigh with a finger. "I need you, Dan. I need a friend, I need someone to have fun with...I need a lover. I need someone to be the things Chris sucks at being."

Dan frowned. "Elise, I...I don't know..." He looked at the box. "What happened last night...it shouldn't have happened."

"I know it shouldn't," Elise said. "And if Chris was the kind of man I need him to be, it never would have." She sighed. "I have needs, Dan."

"Tell Chris that, then!"

"I wanted to!" Elise said. "I tried! But I couldn't wake him up! He ate a double lunch and zonked out!"

Dan looked down. "Don't get me wrong, I really, really enjoyed having sex with you. I'd be crazy to turn down a chance to do it again." He looked at the box of condoms. "Twelve times." He looked back up at Elise. "With electrifying lubricant."

Elise slipped her arms around Dan's shoulders. "Just let me use you until I can fix Chris, okay?"

Dan stared at her. "Fix Chris? But...that'll take...forever!" He frowned. "Then again...I must admit...as much as I disdain the concept of adultery...being used by a sexy married woman for a licentious illicit affair has a certain appeal..."

"Just...one thing," Elise said, looking around with a faintly nauseated expression. "From now on, when we...rendezvous...I'd rather do it at a hotel. You know, someplace...clean."

Dan looked around at the piles of filth, the mold seeping along the corners, and the unidentifiable stains on the walls and floor. He sighed. "Yeah. Good call."

"Why don't you ever, you know, clean this place?" Elise asked.

"I've tried," Dan said, throwing his arms up. "For some reason, whenever I leave, I come back to a bigger mess than when I left!"

Elise blinked. "Wow." She gave Dan a peck on the cheek. "I should go home now, but I'll probably call you tomorrow. We can go out, have a good time..." she smiled. "How does that sound?"

"Sounds great," Dan said.

Dan watched Elise leave. Mr. Mumbles hopped up into his lap and mewed inquisitively. Dan sighed and scratched her ears. "I never thought I'd be having an affair with a married woman," he said.

It was dusk when Elise got home. She found Chris in the kitchen making a sandwich. "Hey you," she said sweetly as she walked up behind him, wrapping her arms around him. "Miss me?"

"Hm? I just woke up," Chris said. "How long were you gone, anyway?"

"Oh, not long," Elise said. "Listen, I might have something to do tomorrow night. I'm not sure yet."

"Okay," Chris said.

Elise rubbed circles on Chris' back. "You know what I'm in the mood for?" she asked.

"Turkey bacon club with thousand island dressing?" Chris asked as he slathered dressing on his sandwich.

"No, I...actually that does sound tasty, I think I will have one," Elise said. "But what I'm in the mood for...after that...is me and you, in bed, trying to upgrade our little family."

Chris frowned. "This needs more bacon," he said. "Can you fry about...oh, half a package of bacon?"

Elise sighed. "Sure, Chris." As she fried more bacon, she pulled out her phone and silently made online reservations for two at Hotel Imbroglio.

Dan Vs. is the intellectual property of Dan Mandel, Chris Pearson, and Film Roman. This intellectual property is used without permission with no intent to profit from said use. The unique content contained on this page is the property of Mythril Moth, and redistribution of this content without express permission is strongly discouraged.