Save me from myself

by BookOfXcentric

In the wake of the Mibu incident Sasuke cuts himself because he's having a hard time accepting being a rare breed, is he even real? When Yukimura finds out he's in deep trouble.

Author: Empirical_pursuit
Title: Save me from myself
Anime/Manga: Samurai Deeper Kyo
Genre: Angst/Family/ Hurt and Comfort
Characters: Sasuke and Yukimura. With special appearances of the Sanada Juyushi.
Pairing: Who knows, the human mind can conjure a lot of things out of nothing...
Warning/Spoilers: Slight spoilers up to Vol 36. There's a lot of OOCness here, at least I think it is but then again, maybe not.
Rating: Teen
Time: November 26th 2009 – December 2 2009
Dedication: A lot of people out there have cut themselves deliberately at least once. This is for all of those who dare admit it to their loved ones.
A/N: One of the things I figured out while being on vacation in Gothenburg. Slightly inspired by the scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer were Dawn cuts herself.
Disclaimer: Listen, if I owned SDK then Kyo probably wouldn't exist. It would be about Yukimura and Sasuke and Yukimura would be scolding Sasuke A LOT!
Summary: In the wake of the Mibu incident Sasuke cuts himself because he's having a hard time accepting being a rare breed, is he even real? When Yukimura finds out he's in deep trouble.

'What am I worth?'

Sasuke sat next to the window in his room, staring outside with expressionless eyes. The sun was shining brightly today, not even one cloud obscured the perfectly blue sky. As if the weather itself were mocking him.

Shibien lay discarded on the other side of the room, forgotten for the time being. He could hear Yukimura and the other Juyushi laugh wholeheartedly from somewhere else in the house.

Happy and content.

He wanted to laugh with them but he couldn't, he just couldn't...

"'A product of the Mibu reconstruction project.'"

Indaras words from before stung his heart like a dagger. He was nothing more then a product. Sasuke pulled his knees up and leaned his head against them, facing away from the window. For a second his eyes rested on the kunai lying by his side.

'A product, a rare breed.'

He always knew he wasn't human, but now, was he even something real, something existing? Was his life real or just a fake creation?

'Something different, something else. Not like them.'

It hurt. It hurt like hell. It hurt so much that he wanted to cry, to scream, to kick and fight back but he didn't, he just sat there quietly. He didn't tell anyone about his feelings, why should he? They were all human, they could never understand his dilemma.

"'Give Yukimura a piece of your mind. Cause you can think all you want, and he still wont hear you.'"
Benitora.

The entire incident with the Mibu clan had left everyone scarred, everyone hurting. They didn't want to speak about it.

'I'd probably make it worse...'

So no matter how much it hurt Sasuke wouldn't bring it up, he'd had learned how to deal with it in his own way. It was simple really, the long sleeves of his shirt hid it well.

'...The Mibu reconstruction project. Hishigis project, Hishigis creation.'

He pulled his sleeve up and put the kunai to the tender flesh of his arm, the sharp edge broke the skin without problem and soon the red liquid flowed freely.

Why did the tears refuse to come?

'I am an artificial life, something untrue, unreal.'

He burned on the inside. Questions, emotions flashed through him and burned themselves into his head, into his soul. Why did Yukimura keep him? Why was he so weak? Was he real? Frustration, fear, anger, hurt.

With every question and every emotion the kunai cut again, deeper. Drops of red blood stained the floor.

Desperation clawed at his insides, no matter how deep he cut or how much blood that flowed down his arm and fingers it wasn't enough to stop the hurt.

He stared at the red liquid and a thought struck him 'Is it real?' the blood in his veins were it real? If he was just a fake creation then how could the blood be real? And if the blood flowing down his arm wasn't real then the pain he was trying to inflict on himself was fake too.

In that case all that there was, was the fake hurt of a non-existing doll.

In reality it didn't make sense but in the boy's confused, irrational mind it did. Sasuke stood and made his way out of the room the bloody kunai dropped from his hand and landed, forgotten, on the floor beneath. Maybe he could ask? The others they might know, maybe they could tell him what the blood in his veins were.

With every step drops of blood stained the floor leaving a red trail in its wake.

Yukimura and Kamanosuke sat in the room together, the others were gone somewhere else minding their own business, the two adults laughed at some joke one of them told. Yukimura sat facing the woman in front of him with his back to the door, he didn't notice the boy enter.

Sasuke stood in the door frame waiting for the two occupants of the room to notice him, he didn't really know how to ask his question.

Kamanosuke was the first one to see him. Sasuke saw her smile at him then suddenly her facial structure changed dramatically; her smile faltered and her eyes widened, she paled and a look of surprised terror appeared on her face.

Yukimura noticed all this and whirled around to see what frightened her so. As soon as the mans dark orbs settled on Sasuke and traveled down the boy's body to rest on the pulled up sleeve and the bloody arm, the handsome face drained of all colour.

Sasuke knew what to ask. He held up his arm for the two and spoke, in a monotonous voice "Is it real?"

Yukimuras eyes widened in fearful disbelief then his bangs came down and hid his expression, the samurai raised to his feet and slowly, calculatingly, walked over to the boy. Kamanosuke remained on the floor, hands covering her mouth, her eyes still betrayed her terror and worry.

Something about the man made a part of Sasuke believe that he had done something very wrong and was going to get into a lot of trouble for it, but the boy tried to ignore that part of his consciousness.

Yukimura stopped, towering over his young shinobi, his complexion dark. Sasuke kept his eyes to the floor refusing to look the man in the face.

He gasped as Yukimura suddenly grabbed his upper arm in a vice like grip. The expression on the mans face still hidden behind his dark bangs. He pulled the boy out of the room, out of the house and around the back.

There was a container of cold water from the stream standing on the ground, Kosuke used it to wash clothes. Sasuke gasped and stumbled as Yukimura pushed him towards it and held his arm hard over the surface. The man took one of the clean washcloths hanging there, dipped it in the water and started to clean of the blood flowing down the boy's arm.

"You stupid, stupid child!" Anger graced every word Yukimura spoke. "How could you do something this foolish!"

Sasuke winced, the washcloth hurt as it made rough movements over the raw and tender flesh of his arm "But I..."

"Don't speak to me right now!" Yukimuras voice was frighteningly calm but thick with just barely suppressed rage and Sasuke got the message.

For minutes the man worked on his arm in silence, his face being the picture of barely controlled fury. The boy watched the blood from his cuts mix into the water turning it a sickening shade of pink, which darkened every time Yukimura rinsed the cloth.

Soon the blood was washed away and the deep cuts revealed themselves. As soon a Yukimura made sure that the wounds didn't bled anymore he grabbed Sasukes good arm in yet another bruisingly tight grip and dragged him off, back towards the house.

By now Kamanosuke had informed the others of what had happened and some of them came to watch what was going on, the boy couldn't see them but he knew they were there, watching from the shadows. Kosuke had tears in her eyes. Kamanosuke had grabbed onto Jinpachis shirt, one hand still covering her mouth. Kakei couldn't watch, he had his eyes tightly shut and fists clenched at his sides, as if it hurt him too much to see. There was a deep frown of Jinpachis face and Saizo looked pained. Sasuke couldn't understand why.

Yukimura walked with long, determined, powerful strides far to fast for the boy's shorter legs, so Sasuke was half stumbling trying to keep up as the man dragged him into his office and shut the door behind them.

He spun the boy around to face his hard furious eyes "Explain yourself, Sasuke!" he demanded.

Sasuke looked up and meet the samurais eyes and Yukimura was taken aback by the emptiness in the golden orbs. "My life is lifeless..."

The samurai knew that Sasuke, in his irrational state, was being careless with his words, but that was too much...

There was a flicker of something in the mans eyes but Sasuke could not reckon what. He heard the sound of the slap before he felt the sting of Yukimuras palm making sharp contact with the side of his face.

Sasuke was knocked down by the blow, he landed sitting on the floor one hand touching his reddening cheek.

Yukimura towered over him with slightly laboured breathing and dark eyes. "I don't ever want to hear you speak like that again! And this." The man gabbed his arm, hard enough to leave a bruise, and held it up before his eyes forcing the boy to watch the creative work he had done to his own wrist. Sasuke had to shut his eyes for suddenly a sense of deep shame settled in.

The grip around his arm tightened. "Look At It!" Yukimura thundered, loud enough for the others to hear, and Sasuke opened his eyes obeying the furious man in front of him.

"This is the stupidest...! Where you trying to kill yourself! Out of all things I never thought that you were suicidal!"

"I'm not suicidal..." his voice sounded weak the usual defiant tone gone as if it had never been there to begin with.

Yukimura was absolutely livid. "Then What Is This!" He bellowed furiously and Sasuke jerked away as some part of him expected that the man were going to slap him again.

The boy turned his head to the side, not wanting to see. When he finally spoke his voice sounded low as a mere whisper "... I wasn't trying to..."

Yukimura gripped the boy's chin with his free hand and forced his head back "Look at it! I want you to look at it and tell me what it is!" Sasuke wanted to cry he could feel the hot tears burning behind his eyes but the man was relentless "What is it!"

"... A... a cut..."

"It's Self Mutilation! That's what it is! You stupid, stupid child!" And the tears came. A barrier somewhere deep inside the boy broke and the tears came. For the first time, weeks of unshed tears flowed freely.

He cried. He didn't know for how long, it felt like forever, but Yukimura sat there and held him in a tight embrace the entire time. All his pent up feelings about the Mibu incident, the fear and loss. The loneliness and detachment he felt from everyone else, being a rare breed, they all came pouring out along with the tears.

"Sasuke, I will always be here for you, but you have to talk to me."

Sasuke buried his face in the fabric of the mans clothes "I'm sorry..." he whispered hardly audible but Yukimura heard him anyway.

The Sanada smiled lightly at the apology and put an hand on the boy's head "... I guess this is my fault."

"NO!" The boy pulled back so as to look the older man in the eyes his own tear filled golden ones desperate to make the other stop degrading himself like that.

Yukimura shook his head "Sasuke, I'm an adult, it's my job to look after you. I should have seen this coming." He sighed "I should have seen that you were hurting..."

Sasuke shook his head vigorously, clenching his fists "It is my fault. I didn't allow anyone see it, I hid it. I didn't say anything to anyone..."

Yukimuras arms around him tightened, the embrace becoming almost painful, when the man spoke his voice was calm but stern a whisper and a shout at the same time. "Don't ever do something like this again!"

Later that evening Sasuke sat on the porch looking at the sunset, watching the colours mix and melt into each other as the sky darkened. There was still a slight reddening hue tinting his left cheek, as a reminder of the slap.

He sighed and felt Jinpachis presence approach.

"Are you okay?" The dark haired man asked, he too watching the sun set in the distance.

"I got yelled at by Yukimura."

"Yeah, we heard... you had it coming, doing something so foolish." When the boy didn't reply he continued "So, as punishment, you got confined to the house?"

Sasuke nodded quietly "Yeah. Yukimura took all my weapons, even Shibien, said that I could have them back when I'm not suicidal any longer. … I was never suicidal. It was just away of dealing, I never meant for it to..."

Jinpachis voice was calm but his words came biting. "I don't care what you meant for it to be and neither does Yukimura-sama, but the fact is that you did."

The door behind them was shoved to the side and said man stepped out. "Sasuke, you'll be sleeping in my room from now on."

"... So that you can keep an eye on me, if I suddenly decides to cut myself again you'll feel the movement and stop me?" the boy stared at the dying sun in the distance and continued "Don't worry, if I decide on hurting myself again... I wont be stupid enough to let you find out." he whispered to himself and finally turned his head and looked up at the two men from under his eyelashes, his expression unreadable. The two adults exchanged looks, Jinpachi shrugged and the Sanada sighed.

"What Jinpachi said before is right, Sasuke." Yukimura sat down next to the boy "It is the very reason why I yelled at you, you're important." His eyes rested on the boys bandaged wrist "You're not just hurting yourself but us too. What if you'd cut a little deeper? You could have died!"

Sasukes cheeks tinted red at the slight reprimanding tone in Yukimuras voice.

"It hurt..." he began but Jinpachi cut him off. "Kid, if you keep it all bottled up inside of course it's going to hurt."

"No one listened to me..."

Yukimura flung an arm around his shoulders and pulled to boy towards him in a semi hug "We can't listen, if you don't speak."

After that the night was left in premature silence and Sasuke soon leaned his head onto Yukimuras shoulder as exhaustion from the blood loss came over him, he yawned. "But you know what..." he stared with sad eyes at his neatly bandaged wrist "This is what is real."

Yukimura smiled and cuddled the boy in his arms, Jinpachi chuckled as Sasuke was to tired to say no. The first few stars twinkling above them.

The End

A/N: So, kinda weird and I don't know where it came from I guess I was just bored...'

Some of you might have noticed that Kamanosuke is female here. That's because I'm not sure what she/he is.
In my country's version of SDK Vol 36 Kamanosuke is said to be female while if you check the english version of Vol 36 Kamanosuke is pictured as male. So to me she's female.

You know, Yukimura strikes me as the kind of person who can be very strict, as the kind of person who is happy and fun loving until something makes him snap. The kind of person who can't see the trees for the forest.
After all there's a scene in the manga where he hits Sasuke, not hard of course but he still does it. In volume 9 after the fight with Basara. At least I have always interpretated it as a hit. (Well, I don't know if you can call it a hit, I guess it's not really a hit but you know what I mean...)