Chapter 1 – The quiet things that no one ever knows

Remus felt himself changing. He felt the taught, nauseating sensation of his spine elongating and morphing to a different structure. He felt the prickling burn of hair erupting all over his body, like a rippling flame was scorching over his skin. He felt the sickening pull of his nails lengthening into claws. He was acutely aware of the gagging stretch of his jaw being thrust forwards into the familiar snout and of his teeth growing and sharpening in his swollen mouth. The words that never failed him were twisted and wrenched from his throat in gargled, strangling moans that swiftly turned to guttural growls.

He was in the forbidden forest. Dark, shadowy tree trunks surrounded him, like guardians of the secret they beheld. Soft pine needles carpeted the ground underfoot and roots lay just beneath, like barely concealed veins.

Remus moved over the ground like a fleeting shadow, aware of nothing but the blood singing in his now pointed ears and the thunder of it through his veins, charging through his heart and filling him with desire and cravings for blood and the taste of flesh.

He has almost reached the fringe of the forest bordering the Hogwarts school grounds when he saw the figure. A third year girl was standing, looking unsure of herself. Her wand tip was lit and it illuminated her face, glowing like a pale oval moon in the light. The wind carried her scent to Remus, crouching in the undergrowth directly before her. He could taste her fear, filling his mouth and overwhelming his other senses. He burst through the bushes in a shower of leaves, roaring. The girl screamed, high and shrill and desperately, and then Remus's full weight bore down on her and she was on the ground. Remus lowered his head and tore open her white throat, spilling the blood inside. The scream stopped abruptly. Remus devoured her greedily, feasting on the still-warm flesh and relishing the metallic taste of blood and gore filling his mouth and nose. He clawed open her face, slashing the cheeks and forehead wide and gaping, delighting, in an almost puppy-like fashion, in the completely futile action. He licked the blood slowly off her cheek, savouring it now his initial lust had been sated –

"Remus, Remus."

Remus awoke with a start. He sat up swiftly rubbing his hands over his face, feeling the ache in his arms. James was standing before him with a bemused expression on his face.

"Remus? You must've fallen asleep. You sounded like you were having some kind of fit in your sleep."

"Yeah," Peter chortled from his armchair by the fire. "Sirius was insinuating your dream might not have been entirely wholesome."

Sirius grinned, looking up from the fire, which he was sitting next to and steadily feeding from a stack of parchment heaped next to him. Then he saw Remus's face and his expression changed to concern. "Remus, are you okay? I know it's your time of the month and everything but you look really shit."

"Thanks Sirius," said Remus drily. He habitually checked the room after Sirius's comment, however the Gryffindor common room was deserted apart from the four of them.

James closed the book Remus had been using as a pillow with a thud. A cloud of dust rose from it. "Reams, you don't need to kept reading this stuff. Me and Siri have the potion completely under control."

Sirius smirked. "Yup."

Peter rolled his eyes. "You're lucky you fell asleep. They've been bragging about stealing the ingredients from Slughorn all evening."

"One of our greatest accomplishments yet, wouldn't you say?" Enquired Sirius of James.

"Hardly," Remus snorted. "He thinks the sun shines out of your arse James. You could have asked for them telling him exactly why you wanted them and he would've just patted you on the head and sent you on your way."

The tiredness and slight catch in Remus's voice caused Sirius and James to exchange a glance. "What's wrong Reams?" Asked James, pushing Remus gently to the edge of his chair so James could share it.

Remus sighed. "It's just, well, are you sure this is a good idea? I know we've had this conversation before and yeah, we'll probably have it again. But this isn't just breaking some school rule, this is actually breaking the law. If we're caught doing this, it's not just detention we're going to get or being kicked off the Quidditch team."

James and Sirius both began speaking simultaneously, neither one of them stopping or even slowing.

"Remus, how can you say that – "

" – are you doubting my potion-making – "

" – worked for bloody years – "

" – could make it standing on my – "

" – I mean, you sound like you're saying Quidditch is just some sport – "

" – it's not like we haven't done anything – "

"Yes. I know all of that." Cut in Remus. "But it's not just about that, is it. It's about the fact that when I … when it's the full moon, I'm not … lucid."

Sirius scratched his nose thoughtfully and hummed quietly to himself under his breath. There was no other sound in the room apart from the crackling of the fire. Peter finally broke the silence. "Yeah. We get that Remus. But we did some reading. I mean, Sirius even went to the library and everything."

"I'm impressed. I was under the impression he didn't know where it was."

Sirius looked outraged. "That is an unfair accusation. I've known where the room with the books is for ages."

"Yeah," sniggered James. " Ever since you went out with that Ravenclaw."

Peter interrupted before the bickering could escalate. "Anyway. What I'm saying is that werewolves are only dangerous to humans. Full-stop. There's never been any reported case of a werewolf attacking anything that isn't human."

"Me and James can be big macho animals anyway, just in case." Put in Sirius.

"Speak for yourself," snorted James. "I don't feel the need to compensate for anything."

Peter yawned and stretched. "I'm going to bed. Coming James?"

"Oh darling," said Sirius standing up and strutting over to the staircase. "If you and Jamsie are going to gallivant off to bed I think I'll join you." He giggled in a high falsetto and skipped up the staircase.

Peter, who had gone bright red, followed him, muttering about inappropriate jokes.

Remus had leant his elbows on the desk and placed his head on his hands.

"Why're you trying to put us off this animagus thing?" Asked James suddenly. "You thought it was a great idea at first and it was you who told us about werewolves only being dangerous to other humans. What's up now?"

Remus sighed again. It was filled with misery and anxiety. James slung his arm round his friend's shoulders. "I just don't know." He looked up, meeting James's level gaze for the first time. It was one of his favourite qualities of James's, Remus thought. That he would always look someone in the eyes when he was talking to them. It was a habit some people found disconcerting, but Remus had been used to people avoiding his gaze and skirting round him when he met James, so to find someone who was not afraid to look him straight in the eyes was refreshing. It felt like he was connecting with someone, that he wasn't so completely isolated.

"I keep having these dreams." James made no comment so Remus ploughed on. "About when I change. I keep … killing different people. Always in the Forbidden Forest. I've never even been near the Forest when I'm transformed. Just in the shrieking shack. I'm just worried, that's all."

There was a pause while James digested this information and then he said slowly "Me and Siri are going to go through with this anyway. We get why you don't want us to, but you're being stupid. You're our best friend and every month you wander around like you're in some kind of trance with huge bags under your eyes and you bite chunks out of your lips and stuff in the night when you're dreaming. If there's something we can do, even if it just means you don't have to do it on your own, then we'll go for it."

Remus reopened the book that James had shut earlier. The flicked through the pages, making a noise like wings fluttering against each other. He stopped on a picture. There was a werewolf standing in an unrealistic pose, half human, half wolf, a sick imitation and mockery of the change. The page was decorated with a border of human skulls, each drawn in detail. The writing was old and faded on the parchment page, but James could just read:

'Cursed is the werewolf for it is he who is feared by all men and shunned for his sins. It is he who cannot walk among men for his lust of blood. His state of being at the moon's zenith is but a punishment for his hatred of mankind and loathing of all humans. It is he who – '

James slammed the book shut once more, this time with so much force that the oak table creaked in protestation and the candles guttered alarmingly. "Remus, you don't believe that shit do you? Come on. That's crap. You're more human that most people I know. Take Snape for example. You're worth a million of him and he's normal, I suppose."

Remus slumped against James as though all his life had drained out of him. They talked long into the night, until the candles had burnt down and the grey light of dawn was beginning to appear in the sky.

That night Remus slept soundly.