Hello. It has been so long now. So many things have occurred, but now it's time to get back to writing.
Disclaimer: Mai-Hime and related belong to Sunrise.
"Weren't you in love with her?"
Hollow eyes look up from the center of the sports section of the local paper. Today is a Saturday, and it is currently 32 degrees outside, exactly. The puddles that melted from yesterday's milder temperatures have now frozen over again, but the coffee shop is warm and inviting with a fuzzy glow that draws the patrons in like moths to a flame. After all, they are there, braving the cold weather to sit in the cushioned seats and drink in caffeinated warmth from heavy ceramic mugs.
"I mean, weren't you? Like a long time ago."
A pause, followed by a small sip of coffee.
"At least, I thought that was it."
The eyes go back to the sports section, followed by the small exhalation of breath through the nose. This conversation is supposed to be over before it started, yet the voice refuses to cease and desist.
"Oh c'mon. You gotta let up just a little bit. It's been a while, hasn't it?"
The sports section isn't very interesting, especially in this slow season. She looks up once more from the newspaper but this time sets the stack of papers down next to a steaming mug of coffee. She hates coffee, thinks it is absolute sludge, but it fits the drivel she has forced herself to read for the past few hours now. She finally fixes the source of all that incessant noise with a level look from those hollow eyes of hers, and she finds a pair of jade-green eyes look back without a hint of shame.
"Well?"
She shakes her head and idly wonders whether or not to leave the shop. But today, today feels like a different day. Today doesn't look like a "leave the shop and have this conversation happen all over again tomorrow" day. She idly runs her fingers through the bangs of her hair and lets out a small sigh.
"I feel like this sort of conversation should be held at a bar, not in a coffee shop," she says tersely.
Her partner nearly falls out of the seat. She can't help but smile at the reaction.
"... You've seen her again, haven't you?" she asks, her voice so soft that it is almost unheard.
"Well uh..."
Her partner takes a few moments to straighten up in the seat. Glossed lips are pursed shut in momentary thought, but she doesn't have too long to wait. The one thing she knows flawlessly was that she didn't have to wait long for her partner to speak again.
"... How exactly would you like me to answer that question?"
She raises an eyebrow at this question.
"You're willing to lie to me?"
Her partner squirms in the seat.
"No. I don't think I could with those eyes of yours boring into me like that."
Slim fingers nervously weave into thin strands of auburn hair and the pixie-like figure of Yuuki Nao shifts in the seat once more. But this time she isn't nervous, only dreading the continuation of a conversation she herself came up with. And those eyes that face her are quirked in soft amusement that sinks into the hollowness ever so slowly. Nao's lips twitch at this observation and she makes her decision.
"You should have seen her. She was alight in fire and flame, in her element. Racing through the streets like a demon was chasing after her heels. Of course she won. But it was so crazy last night, the police came a lot faster than expected. There was a lot of chaos and hell, even I had to book it."
Nao pauses, waiting for a reaction. A twitch of the brow is all that greets her.
"You know, Fujino. You're a tough one to crack."
Lips quirk ever so slightly and Nao isn't sure what to make of it.
"I'm sure I am. But that's neither here nor there."
Fujino Shizuru takes a sip of the black sludge beside her and eyes the coffee mug in mild disdain before setting it down. Nao picks up her own mug and pauses, cradling it between her hands.
"But you've never answered my question."
"The one you've been asking for weeks on end?"
At Nao's nod Shizuru decides to sigh.
"Do you think I'm a cold individual?"
Nao frowns at this question. She has seen this woman sitting before her alight in flames, once. Swinging a weapon of death back and forth in a trance—allowing hellfire to rain along with her fierce devotion. Cold? That would be an odd way of describing one Fujino Shizuru. She is manipulative, hiding behind a mask that threatens to creep up on unsuspecting individuals. She is small smiles shared between cups of tea and the fineries of ceremony. Would that be considered a cold thing? Nao isn't so sure, but since she has been the one outside looking in for so long maybe the glamor of gold isn't worth the sacrifice after all. She doesn't feel jealous of the regal individual sitting across from her, even with her impeccable clothing and refined features. She doesn't feel sorry for her, either, but she would probably never admit to it. But Shizuru is the one waiting, now, and Nao swallows more coffee in order to collect her thoughts.
"Well... no."
"Oh?"
Nao is surprised at the soft response.
"Oh?" Nao repeats. "Well I mean, what else am I supposed to say to that? It's a weird question. I don't have much to say other than yes or no. And you're not a cold individual."
"I see."
Nao isn't sure Shizuru does, but she fails to argue this point as Shizuru returns to her paper. She doesn't wait too long, though, when Shizuru sets the paper down again and puts her mug on top of it.
"Let me tell you something."
Shizuru draws in a slow, steady breath in order to collect her thoughts. She waits, and then it begins.
"She was never satisfied with face value and the happy lies that the rest of us seem to love to pile down on each other. Maybe it was better that the world was going downhill as it was? Maybe this Carnival should have gone down the way it was going to go before our deus ex machina moment? I'm not sure, myself. All I know is that with a sense of horrible selfishness... I was content with dying. How many people can honestly say that out of all of us?"
"People who are looking to die," Nao countered swiftly. "Which you aren't now, I hope."
"Ara, no. Not anymore, anyway."
"But then what does this have to do with the two of you? The stupid thing is done and over with."
Nao rubs her forehead in agitation.
"I just don't understand you, Fujino."
And now Shizuru looks at her in renewed interest.
"I mean... you two were supposed to stay together."
"Supposed to?" Shizuru repeats.
She manages a soft laugh.
"Forgive me for laughing but is this supposed to be a joke?"
Nao isn't quite sure what to think at this moment. This conversation is quickly going to a place where it cannot be retrieved from. Nao decides that enough is enough, at least for today.
"Alright, fine. Laugh all you want, I'm out of here."
She shakes her head in mild disgust and leaves a small pile of bills on the table. Without another look back she shrugs on her coat and stomps out into the dreary cold.
A residual gust of cold air hits Shizuru's face and she closes her eyes to take in the sensation. After a moment she too stands up and puts on her coat, neatly tucking in her long scarf and popping the collar up before placing several bills down next to the abandoned cups of coffee. As she steps out of the coffee shop the frozen wasteland that stands out in front of her beckons with gnarled branches of the dead trees that litter the streets.
"Oh, Yuuki-han," she breathes. "I never wanted you to see this side of me. One was enough, and now I've managed to let someone else in."
Her thoughts form idle clouds of steam that disappear quickly into the gray skies above.
And it all comes back to her as the roar of a motorcycle shooting past jars her from her thoughts. Shizuru tucks her hands in her pockets and follows the black motorcycle's streamlined figure with unreadable eyes.
"Mm... it seems to be about that time of year, isn't it."
Her car isn't too far from the coffee shop, and it's a thing of beauty. Not a lot of Porche 911's sit around the streets of Fuuka, after all. She settles in the leather seats and grips the steering wheel comfortably as she carefully weaves her way from her spot on the street and into the road proper. An hour of driving later sees the silver car safely arriving to its intended location. Shizuru steps out from the car and looks out into the turbulent waters beyond the guardrails that currently seperate her from it. She looks down, glances at her watch in the process, and closes her eyes as a blast of cold sea air hits her face. It is a bitter embrace but she allows it to hold her for a moment.
"Hello, Kuga-san."
The waters beneath her seem to churn less at the sound of her voice. At least, she likes to tell herself this.
"I wonder, Kuga-san, if you had seen this coming. If your gamble was actually going to pay off. It's hard to imagine what was going through your head as you drove down this road so haphazardly."
She pauses to peer back at her car, safely parked out of the way.
"I'd imagine it was rather frightful."
Shizuru allows herself a small smile before returning her gaze out towards the waters. They glisten with a greenish light, something similar to the emerald eyes she used to stare at so admiringly.
"I wonder how often she visits here. I'd imagine at least once a year, with flowers in hand and a new story to tell you."
She grips the railing with both hands, feeling the frozen metal sting at her fingertips.
"The truth is, I wonder if those stories are enough for her. She races out there with the wind at her fingertips and a song of fire in her eyes, and they burn so much more fiercely now that I am not around. People around us tell me that it's wrong, that I should have fought more."
She pauses to collect her thoughts.
"I always seem to wrap myself up in things that I cannot win."
The waters below her seem to shimmer a little more brightly, almost as if to console her. Shizuru hunches her shoulders slightly, allowing herself this tiny moment of vulnerability.
"I always wondered who was holding onto who near the end there. She is a very strong individual, Kuga-san. Always so alive, unlike me I suppose."
Shizuru looks up at the graying skies for a second.
"Weren't you in love with her? I was asked this today. I'm sure that I should have said yes. At least, I suppose that is the correct response. But it's a little more dense than that, I'm afraid."
She touches the center of her chest, palm against sternum, cradling the area for a silent moment save for the rise and fall of the tide.
"There is this thing locked away inside of me. I'm sure you've felt it before. This sense of panic that fails to go away. It is like a clock ticking away in the back of my head, reminding me that there is so much to do and not enough time at all. She used to calm me down, and I used her like a crutch even when my legs were far from broken. I needed to get away, not her. I needed to stand on my own feet again, to be my own ruler. I want to make sure that I can live without extraordinary circumstances following me wherever I go."
She straightens and sighs.
"I'm not quite sure when that will be. But for now she is too wild and free and I am too dependant on that fire that is inside of her. And she knows this, I'd imagine, otherwise she wouldn't have agreed to this."
She offers a hesitant chuckle.
"I'm sure that you would not approve of her behavior, Kuga-san, but no worries. I shall continue to watch and listen, and hopefully she will be alright save for a few scratches here and there. Rest well."
With that, Shizuru nimbly pushes herself from the railing and allows the momentum to spin herself around towards her car. But now a pair of fierce emerald eyes pins her to the spot and she forgets to breathe for a few seconds.
"Found you."
The voice that reaches her ears is unnaturally gruff, as if the speaker had not spoken in a while. But Shizuru smiles at the sound of it.
"Ara, so you did."
A gloved hand finds its way towards straight black locks of hair that are tousled this way and that with the winds that buffet around them.
"How have you been?"
Shizuru closes her eyes.
"Surviving, I will say. And you? You look well."
"I guess I can say the same."
The conversation grows quiet and soon they are stuck staring at each other with unsure expressions. What now?
It is Natsuki who speaks first, and her words are slow, weighted.
"They... They don't have to understand you."
Shizuru frowns at that.
"I'm sorry?"
Natsuki clears her throat and shifts her weight from one foot to the other. She is not being nervous, Shizuru finds, she is merely trying to find the correct words. And that is perfectly fine for her, she realizes.
"They don't have to understand you," Natsuki repeats, a trace of gruffness gone. "Because I do."
Shizuru isn't quite sure what to say, but there is a slow ticking in the back of her head that has now stopped. It is an odd sensation, this clock stopping in her mind.
"You will work through what it is that is holding you back. And you will be a different person because of that. But that's okay."
Natsuki takes in a deep breath.
"I love you. But I think I have fallen in love with who you used to be, not who you are now."
Shizuru's smile is small, but it is honest, and Natsuki finds herself mirroring the smile.
"And I love you, but I think I have fallen in love with who you could be, not who you are now," Shizuru replies. "It is funny how we know each other so well."
"Do you think there is a chance of us being together? Even though we know this about each other?"
It is not asked hopefully, nor is it asked cynically. It is just a question, but it still threatens to pull on the floodgates that hold in the sadness of Shizuru's heart. Natsuki knows this, and it shows in the sad light of her eyes, but she needs to ask. If not for herself, then for Shizuru. She feels as if she owes her that much, at least.
"Are you asking me if I still hold out on hope?" Shizuru whispers.
It is unintentionally harsh, and Natsuki cannot help but cringe.
"Hope doesn't have an expiration date," Shizuru continues, "Neither do love and affection. But patience and fortitude unfortunately do have an expiration date. Humans are not built to hold out forever."
"I know."
"Then... what are you asking from me?"
Natsuki walks towards her and ends up standing a foot away from her. She grasps onto the railing with both hands, much like how Shizuru faced the waters only a few minutes before she arrived.
"I don't believe in constraints, in concrete terms," Natsuki says slowly.
She turns and faces Shizuru.
"Therefore I can't ask you to wait for me."
Shizuru finds her throat to be curiously raw as she digests this statement. But Natsuki isn't finished.
"I know that you will. You would wait even if I told you to forget about me. And you would never allow me to turn around and allow myself to be chained by you. It's almost admirable how patient you are with me despite everyone else thinking you've given up on me."
She reaches forward, hesitates, and quietly takes off her right glove. Her exposed hand easily finds Shizuru's hand, and for a moment they hold hands in silence.
"I know that you will be able to push through this panic of yours. And when you do, I hope you'll have me. I can't promise you that I'll be the person you think I can be, but I hope you'll have me just the same."
Natuski manages a small grin, catching Shizuru off guard for just a second.
"I'm an idiot, Shizuru, I know this. I wish I could drop down to my knees and tell you that everything would be okay if you could just stay with me. I'm sure that is what's expected of me. But I'd rather not lie, and I'd rather see you with that fire back in your eyes again."
Shizuru stares at their hands.
"I'm not sure I will be the same, if I find that fire once more."
"Neither will I."
Natsuki shrugs and she takes in a breath.
"When you were alight in flames, swinging your weapon around and riding on top of Kiyohime, you were unstoppable. Invincible. You could have taken the Carnival easily, even if Mai put up a fight. But you threw it away for me. The wild card, the one who wasn't supposed to make it that far. You carried me, Shizuru, and you got so unhinged by me you even forgot what you were fighting for. And to this day that fire has yet to come back."
Her voice hitches, now, and Shizuru looks up in mild confusion. Confusion turns to shock as she sees tears fall from those stoic eyes.
"I can't ask you to surrender anything more to me... You were so close to me, you were there for me so much, that you almost don't know how to do anything else for me. So I understand. I understand your hesitation and the blood on your hands. It's never going to go away, and I can't tell you it never happened and let's start all over again. We don't have the luxury of a second chance."
She runs her arm across her eyes in one rough motion and she takes a deep breath.
"Get better, Shizuru. Get better, even if it means we aren't meant to be together."
With that, Natsuki lets go of her and seemingly is carried away by a rush of wind. Shizuru barely notices the roar of the motorcycle even as it speeds out into the open road.
"Weren't you in love with her?"
Shizuru stares back at the open waters once more.
"Oh yes... very much so," she responds to the open air and fathomless depths.
"Well?"
Nao's voice seems to mix with what she imagines would be Natsuki's mother asking her this strange question. Shizuru has no answer, only a smile that could not be described in words. With a heavy pull of her heart she turns and walks towards her car.
AN: I wonder if I should continue. y/n?
Cheers.