Total Drama Showmance: the audition tapes
[Ace, age 17, Townsville]
The background shows an old rundown trailer with a possibly dead rat in the corner. A boy with slicked back raven hair walks on-screen wearing reflective shades, a white tank top, an open purple-and-orange jacket and brown khakis. He struts to the main center of the room and lifts down his shades with a bit of a smirk. Two fangs glisten from the roof of his mouth.
"Heya, McClean. Y'know iz getting tough te get the goods I need fer food an games an shit. So lemme offa suhvices. I ain't got no place to sleep, ya do. I ain't got nuttin but gahbage to eat. I hear Chef got something in doze lines. You got a comp fer a mil, I'm ya guy. So get me on de show."
He reaches below the camera, grabbing a beer. He pops the cap and guzzles down some before hitting the camera again. It falls off the table and the tape ends.
[Angelica, age 16, Yucaipa]
The interior is different hues of pink, orange and purple. There is a robot-like thing to the side of what seems like a princess-type bed. A blonde girl wearing light blue eye shadow walks in, taking a seat at end of the bed. She is wearing a purple tank top with a three-
quarter-length orange top beneath, and blue jeans.
"Alright, let's get down to this. I'm Angelica Pickles, unfortunately. My mom's running her own company and my dad stays long hours at work. Perfect dream, right? Nope. 'Cause even though I'm 16 and have my license, I get to spend my days under the watchful eye of my aunt and uncle."
She shows the camera a recent picture of her aunt -who has tall, pale pink hair, lime green glasses and a coral dress - and her uncle - who has blue hair sticking out on all ends, bags under his eyes and a disheveled shirt with a loose polka-dot tie and baggy jeans. She sighs, tossing the picture away. A small crash is heard.
"Yeah, Aunt Didi works at the college and Uncle Stu is busy all the time building toys in his basement." She continues sarcastically. "Joy. So, Grandpa Lou looks after me, my thirteen-year-old fix-it cousin Tommy and my twelve-year-old dweeby alien-obsessed cousin Dil. I need out of this madhouse!"
She ends transmission.
[Arnold, age 15, Hillwood]
A bedroom is shown. It is huge and colorful. What is being shown is a full computer desk, retractable couch, a huge stereo on the wall, a ladder next to it and an enormous skylight. The sun's rays shine down as a hand pokes in front of the camera and clicks a button on a remote. The window closes and a football-headed kid is shown, grabbing the camera and walking with it. He is wearing a teal long-sleeved top with plaid pajamas sticking out, and blue jeans.
"Hey, I'm Arnold. I'm fifteen and I live here with the other boarders. My grandpa doesn't understand the word 'privacy' and my grandma isn't all there, as she calls me Kimba a lot. I've never met my parents, or at least, I don't remember them. There are other boarders like Oskar and his family. Oskar always tries to swindle money and his wife keeps throwing him out and taking him back in. I got used to it when I was nine."
"Hey, Arnold!" A gruff voice is heard behind the door. "You busy? I need some help down at the construction site."
Arnold walks to the door and positions the camera to a stout man. "This is Ernie Potts, another boarder. As you can guess, I help him at his work from time to time."
"What is this, Arnold? Some school project?"
"No, it's for a reality show thing."
"Ah, audition tape?" He asks with a twinkle in his eye.
Arnold quickly turns the attention back to himself. "And this concludes my video."
Transmission ended.
[Becky, age 13, Fair City]
There is a pink and orange bedroom with a monkey in the corner, sleeping on a hammock with a plate of cookies on his stomach. The bed is a mess with books and papers strewn around. A mysterious book titled 'The First Edition Lexiconian Dictionary' can be seen beneath a 'Princess Triana' book. There are also porcelain unicorns on a few shelves above the bed. A brunette girl stumbles off-screen and falls onto the bed. She shoves a few books around and smiles sheepishly at the camera. She is wearing a light green long-
sleeved top with burgundy capris.
"Hi, err, I'm Becky. 13. I really like adventures and I like to read. And write, occasionally. I really, really find unicorns irresistible, as well as the Pretty Princess and Magical Pony Special Power Hour. I'm always correcting people on their terminology because, candidly, people in this town just don't seem to understand a lot of the basic English language. I am tremendously close with the word-defining superheroine of this town - Wordgirl. Oh, and that's Bob."
She points to the monkey, now sleep-eating a cookie. She giggles quietly.
"He's my pet monkey and uh, well, sidekick I guess. Oh, and I have a little brother named TJ. He's ten. He has an unwholesome fascination with Wordgirl. So, yeah. I'm also strong and I can run rapidly. So, please put me on your show!"
[Bert, age 17, Sesame Street]
It is a bland apartment, with beige walls. What is shown is the living room, with a single painting of a pigeon hanging up. The camera is facing the chair in front of it and the lone lamp on the other side. A teen with a unibrow and short black hair walks up. He is wearing an orange-and-blue vertically striped top and dark brown pants. He takes a seat and looks at the camera, clearing his throat.
"My name's Bert and I'm 17. I hardly leave my house except for school and I like pigeons. I have a favorite pigeon that comes to see me every morning after I finish my oatmeal. Her name is Bernice. After talking with Bernice, I usually organize my paper clip collection and my bottle cap collection. Then, I go on a nature walk to find more, if possible. Then I go back home and organize them again if I find anything. Yep, a pretty average life. But my neighbor told me about this show, so I borrowed Kermit's camera and here we are. That's all I got."
[Bugs, age 14, Los Angeles]
There is a salmon-colored chair beside a cluttered desk. The room is very dim; there is only a single lamplight hanging just behind the chair. A tall skinny boy walks in and takes a seat. He clouds the lens with smoke filtering through his cigarette. The kid is shown to have overgrown front teeth as he takes a puff then turns sideways to the camera, talking in a thick New Jersey accent.
""Eh, what's up, Doc? This here's my place an' I'm getting' toi'ad of it." He stops to take another puff. "Don't go into no spiel bout how deez tings is bad for ya. I've hoid it all."
He stops again to slick back his naturally silver-gray hair. Bugs has a double cowlick, making it seem as though he has rabbit ears. He is wearing matching faded pants. A white tee shirt and a gray jacket are in his lap, along with some white gloves. He glances down and holds one up.
"I dunno why I wear deez tings, but they are a part of me, now. The name's Bugs. You can decide if dat's my foist name or last name or if it's even my name at all. So I wants to be on the show and away from all dis. Thank ya."
[Courtney, age 16, NYC]
The camera is set at an office desk, in an actual office. Calls are heard, along with people chatting away. A steady computer beep is heard behind. Finally, a familiar brunette stalks over and sits at a wheeled chair.
"Hello, Chris." She remarks angrily, holding up a stack of papers. "My contract is renewed. Either you put me on the show this season with zero strings attached or not only will I foreclose your mother's house, but I will see to it that your hair gel is discontinued."
She gets up and walks away, satisfied. A man in a black suit, shades and an earpiece sits down with his hand on the camera.
"Miss Courtney did not issue a threat, but a promise of events yet to come."
[Daffy, age 16, Los Angeles]
What is shown is a junky trailer. The contestant applicant is carrying the camera as he walks into the house. He stops by the kitchen and opens the fridge. There is moldy food and turned over bottles. A hand in a black sleeve reaches out and grabs the neck of a beer bottle. He pops the top off against the counter and it is heard guzzling down his throat.
"Hey, Ma! You f-forgot to go thopping!" His voice rings out with an annoyed lisp. "Thit."
He barrels down a hall and nearly breaks down a door to a bedroom. There is a woman lying in a pool of drool and possibly vomit on an air mattress. The camera isn't set down and instead shows a hand checking for a pulse. A sigh of relief is heard as the camera levees the area and heads back outside. The camera is finally resting on something and watches as a raven-haired kid with a white choker necklace sits in a busted lawn chair.
"That wath my mother. Not my real mother, mind you. The bitch who wanted cath back on gov'ment thit. I've been an orphan my whole lithe. Ma didn't want me an I don't care."
He pauses to guzzle down more beer. He belches a bit, then picks up a rock and hurls it in a direct location. A not-too-distant yelp is heard off-screen and the kid smirks.
"Louthy trethpatherz." He groans. "My name'th Daffy, an that'th what I'm thickin' with. I'd rather be in hell with people my own age than thickin it out with thiz bullthit."
The camera slides off it's resting post and the video ends.
[Ernie, age 15, Sesame Street]
The camera is positioned toward a tub in a brightly colored bathroom. The tub obviously has water inside, since there are bubbles running over the top. The bathroom itself is in pastel colors, with accentuated blues and pinks. A chair is nearly off-screen but is holding a pair of blue jeans and a red-and-blue horizontally striped three-quarter-length shirt. Suddenly, something emerges from the water but is still mostly covered in bubbles. The black-haired thing laughs without a voice.
"I'm Ernie and this is Rubber Duckie." He holds up a rubber duck. "Welcome to my bathroom here on Sesame Street! I just love my rubber duckie and I love scrub-a-dub-
dubbing. Your show sounds very exciting and maybe I will make friends! Here, I have two friends. Elmo drew his won bedroom and Cookie just eats cookies all the time. So, maybe I will make new friends!"
He laughs again, splashing. Some of the water hits the camera and the video ends.
[Frankie, age 17, Boca Raton (Florida)]
The camera is positioned on the computer, so it views the bedroom before it. The room has clothes everywhere, along with posters of nineties boy bands. A teen boy with blonde hair and pink spikes sits down in front of the camera, drinking a lemonade through a straw. He smiles.
"Hi, I'm Frankie. I have a little sister Ari who loves to sing. Now, I love her very much, but with her singing, that's where everyone's attention is. I would much rather have some bits of attention no matter the Positivity or negativity. I know what this show is like and I know it won't be easy, but reality shows are kinda a big thing for me. So, just think about it. Think about it and say, ooh, that pink-haired dude is so cool. We need him on the show! You are so hot, Chris! I know you'll do the right thing for TV!"
He winks flirtatiously before flexing and switching the camera off.
[Heinz, age 17, Danville]
The camera is positioned at a worn-out olive green couch. The area behind it is messy, with broken mechanical pieces and tool lying around. The walls are a refreshing purple. A kid walks over, drinking something from a thermos. He has scraggly brown hair, a long nose and an almost triangle-shaped head. He is wearing a black muscle tee over some muscles and pants matching his couch.
"I'm Heinz Doofenshmirtz, not that I prefer either name." He starts off with an alarming German accent. "I'm from Drusselstein and just came over here about six years ago. My dorky little brother acts all nice and perfect around the adults and gets all the attention, while I'm stuck wearing his dresses to school. The only thing my parents ever gave me was a block of wood. That's it. I carved it into a choo-choo train and added wheels. I had a best friend who was a balloon named Balloony for a while, but he floated away while I was still in Germany one of those cold winter nights that I was acting as a lawn gnome for my father since ours was repossessed. Yeah. my life's pretty shitty. So, my parents disowned me and I lived with some ocelots for a while."
As if on cue, a fully-grown female ocelot jumps on screen. She nuzzles around Heinz, who sighs and pets her.
"Thanks, Mom." He takes another sip before turning back to the camera. "We just left my aunt's house because she's allergic to mom. She has a daughter, who's a little younger than me, and a son, who's just a baby. And now we live in this abandoned crap shack in the cellar of a Laundromat in the city. How bad can a death-defying reality show be?"
Heinz's "mom's" tail swipes the camera, allowing it to fall and end communication.
[Helga, age 15, Hillwood]
The camera shares a quaint glimpse into a suspicious and slightly ajar closet door, before it quickly pivots toward the unmanageable bed with the hot pink bedspread. There are dozens of crumpled paper, somewhat showing the long, abrasive scrawls. There is also a slingshot, a gray beanie cap and a heart-shaped locket with its back turned. A teen girl hops onto the bed, speedily shoving the locket into her shirt. She has a trademark unibrow and is wearing a somewhat darker (than her bed) hot pink baby tee and blue jeans. Her lengthy blonde hair is tightly braided and tied in a bow, at the bottom, with a brighter pink ribbon. She isn't wearing any make-up or jewelry besides a baby blue belly ring stud.
"Alright, there. The name's Helga G. Pataki and here's my life review in a nutshell. I got an overbearing dad who cares more about his stupid emporium than he does about family, and he can hardly ever get my name right. Big Bob. I got a mom who's obsessed with her blender and 'special smoothies'. I'm not five anymore, Miriam. We all know what's really going on there. Then I got this perfect older sister. Olga. She's in Alaska, reading to deaf kids, or some chiz like that. Then when she comes for a visit, Big Bob suddenly has time and Miriam sets her cup down for a while. So, I stay in my room a lot, or go over to my best friend Phoebe. She's all nerdy and junk and since last year, she's been pretty busy with either her grades or this new jock she's been dating. I've only seen him once or twice and to be honest, I don't give a fuck. But if I find out he's hurt Phoebe," She continues while raising her fists. "He's gonna get a first class trip to the Emergency Room. Courtesy of Ol' Betsy and the Five Avengers."
"Hey, Olga!" A booming voice is heard from downstairs. "Your little friend with the glasses is here!"
"It's Helga, Bob!" The girl yells back, reaching to switch off the camera. "Criminy!"
[Izzy, age 16, Salem]
The camera is bouncing, rushing from black springy pavement to wholesome free air, to the hands of a crazed individual. The camera continues to bounce, now focused on its carrier - a wild redhead in natural green clothing choices. She does a quick flip before talking.
"Izzy likes to bounce! Izzy likes to flip!"
She then flips off the bouncing contraption, landing with one foot on a swing. She lets go of the camera with one hand, grabbing the top of the swing set with the other. She pulls herself to the top and starts to walk on it like it's a tightrope.
"Izzy likes danger! Izzy likes Boom Boom!"
She slips and then hangs upside down, still facing the camera.
"Izzy likes fighting Chef! Izzy misses TV! Kaleidoscope!"
She drops off and the screen goes black.
[Junior, age 14, Endsville]
The camera shows fiery walls, outwardly melting. There is nothing else in the closed-off room. A flash of lightning quickly appears, creating some sort of portal or entrance. A teen stands out and it disappears. The teen has raven hair and is wearing glasses and his emerald eyes seem to shine through. He is wearing a black tee and black pants, along with a red scarf. He is holding a worn-in teddy bear and grins eerily to the camera for a split second before talking. All his teeth shine a bit and are perfectly filed.
"My name is Junior. Nergal Junior." He speaks in a raspy, gentlemanly tone. "My mother is human, while my father is a dark force. I'm both, for the most part. I would so like to make friends. Real friends. I tried to make friends when I first came here and I suppose he remains an icicle to this day."
He stops a moment, possessively clutching the raggedy doll. His eyes flash dangerously. "Don't harm my bear. Or you won't like what is to come. I'm not friendly when I'm mad." His voice reverts back to the courteous attitude. "I have amazing talents and I can be very athletic when motivated. Take me to your show."
The screen cuts out, but supernatural laughter is heard for a few seconds more.
[Kim, age 14, Middleton]
The camera revolves on its own, showing the various aspects of a teen's bedroom. There are typical posters of movies and boy bands on the walls, along with pictures of friends and her cheer squad. There are pom-poms, cluttered make-up and homework stretched across her desk with a half-opened backpack hanging off a chair. The closet is open a little and there are some name brand items, along with discount items, Halloween costumes and world-saving outfits.
"Kim Possible's audition tape! Booyah!"
A blonde teen shows up with a beatboxing naked mole rat in the palm of his hand. The camera finally comes to a stop at the bed. It isn't made and there are gadgets and magazines strewn among it. A redheaded girl sits beside the boy and his rodent. She is wearing a lime green halter-top and blue jean capris. She playfully shoves her friend and puts a finger in front of the mole rat's mouth to cease him from speaking. He squeaks in disapproval.
"Knock it off, Ron." She rolls her eyes and looks at the camera. "Hi, I'm Kim Possible and I can do anything."
"She put that on her babysitting website when we were in sixth grade and she had to go help some dudes with lasers. It was badical!"
"Ron! Well, he is right. This is Ron, my best friend since preschool. And this is Rufus."
"Naked mole rat!" He interjects.
"Yeah. Well, I'm a cheerleader, mixing it up with schoolwork and saving the world on a pretty much daily basis. I still set aside girl time with my best friend Monique and I try to spend time with the fam."
A rocket suddenly flies through her door. Ron cowers and Kim hits it with her tennis racket. She bounces from one thing to the next while the camera follows her every movement. She manages to open the window and send the rocket out.
"No fair!" A set of younger twins run into the room. "Our rocket!"
"Next time, go play with toy cars and not in the house!" Kim grumbles.
"Hicca bicca boo?" One of the twins looks at the other, raising his arm.
"Hoo Sha!" The other high-fives him and the two run out.
Kim slams the door shut and groans as she falls onto the bed, facing the camera.
"Those were the tweebs. Jim and Tim. Our parents are doctors. Dad is an astrophysicist and Mom is a neurosurgeon. And here's how my camera follows me. Wade?"
The camera detaches as Kim picks it up. A holographic black kid, roughly the same age as the tweebs, appears against the wall. He smiles a bit and waves to the camera.
"I'm Wade, ten-year-old computer prodigy. I'm actually just a grade lower than Kim right now, eighth grade. I help Kim through this device." Kim holds it up. "The kimmunicator. Speaking of, Kim, the battery's dying."
"Oh." Wade disappears and Kim turns back to the camera. "So, yeah, that's my crazy life. I'd love to be on total drama. It's spankin!"
The battery drops and the camera is dead.
[Lane, age 17, Hollywood]
The camera is obviously on a cluttered desk, facing a wicker chair suspended from the ceiling. A mixed teen walks in wearing a white tee, a faded navy blue vest and black pants. He is massaging his hands, lathering them in lotion.
"Hey, there. I'm Lane. My best friend was supposed to be here, but I think he's in the bathroom drinking imported coconut milk. He says it gives him visions. He also says I'm addicted to lotion, but I just like my hands to smell good and feel like butter. This lotion here smells like sour cream and onion. It's good."
His face contorts and is suddenly serious. "I have a kinda crush on my best friend. He knows about it and doesn't do anything about it, but he's dating this girl just because he likes her three-footed cat. I don't know how I feel about that."
The seriousness evaporates and he is suddenly shipper again, as he continues to use his lotion. "But, hey, maybe I'll meet an' greet with someone else. So, let me come on the show and bring a barrel of lotion. I don't want to, but if I have to, your hair gel is my lotion, Chris! Whoo!"
[Lizzie, age 14, Bear County]
The room being shown is the inside of a clubhouse. Leaves are coming in through the window, but not too close to knock over a very pink tea set. There are some dolls in the corner, as well as a boombox, a collection of books and a faded briefcase. A brunette girl with red hair tips walks over. She is wearing a green scarf around her neck, a matching baby tee and a pair of blue jeans capris.
"Hey, Chris. I'm Lizzie. This is my old treehouse. I used to come up here all the time with my best friend, but she's some bitchy cheerleader now. I hang out with the people on the other side. I don't know any of their names and I ain't doing too good in school. I don't care much, though. I used to have a crush on this one guy, but he's some pathetic jock now. Plus my friend Freddie got too brainy an' he skipped two grades. So, I'm calling out for you to look at this tape and help me win some cash to leave this place soon!"
She grabs the briefcase and turns off the camera.
[London, age 16, Boston]
The camera opens up to what looks like a mall. There are clothes everywhere, and incredibly pricey. An Asian-American girl walks in with long silky hair and giant gold earrings. She has a lot of make-up on, making her look like a princess. She is wearing a few necklaces, a V-neck designer shark bite top, a glittery fashion belt drooping off her skinny waist, a pale blue miniskirt and red high-heeled, nearly knee-high cowboy boots. She also has several bracelets on each wrist.
"I'm ready, Daddy!" She calls out.
A group of men in black come in through the door. One of the men in front picks up the camera and beings filming. From the middle of the huddle, a man's voice is heard.
"Go ahead, Princess! Brookshire is filming!"
"Okay! I'm London Tipton. Yay me!" She claps her hands and the guards follow. "So, I can walk and chew gum at the same time."
The guard beside Brookshire hands her a piece of gum. She puts it in her mouth and hands him back the wrapper. "Thank you, Simon."
She then walks a few steps, stops and chews her gum. This continues for a couple minutes until she makes a face. The guard to the left of Simon steps out, holding out her hand. London spits her gum in her hand.
"Thank you, Matilda." The guard nods and London returns her attention to the screen. "Oh, yeah. So, um, it would be really great if I could be on the show. Theme song!"
She starts dancing (badly) as the guards slightly dance and sing a theme song London had created for herself when she was a kid. "London Tipton's really great, really great, really great1 London Tipton's really great, and she deserves the opposite of hate!"
London pipes up at the end while caressing her face. "Which is love!"
Brookshire hits the button and the picture fades away.
[Maddie, age 16, Boston]
The camera is sitting on a windowsill, facing a baseball stadium. A game is going on now and a girl is standing beside the camera. She pulls out a bullhorn and shouts into it.
"Hey, Sal! Can we get some peanuts up here?"
A bag of peanuts is promptly thrown up with great aim. It hits her window, inadvertently knocking off the camera. Catching a lot of falling, it suddenly stops at a window where twin blonde boys are playing basketball in their living room. The camera is inched up, finally back at its original spot. A girl grins at the camera, unhooking it.
"Gotta keep ya on a fishing line."
Her dirty blonde hair is in messy pigtails. She is wearing a blue T-shirt and blue jean shorts. Glancing around her room, there are empty coke cans and a few open pizza boxes. She takes a slice out and starts eating it while waving the peanuts in the camera's lens.
"That Sal's a good guy. And Mike? The pizza guy? Fugeddaboutit. Heh. I'm Maddie and I seriously need cash. I need a better job, since I don't wanna be working at the candy counter for this hotel anymore. And I need a car. I hate the bus. C'mon, Chris! Gimme a chance. I'm good at baseball! Ooh, low battery!"
While she searches for her charger, the camera's battery dies.
[Mandy, age 14, Endsville]
There is a dark bedroom with black-painted walls A blonde girl sits on an old, rustic chest, which is chained all across. She has her arms crossed over her baby pink tee. She is also wearing blue jeans and a black headband. Her hair is curved to resemble horns.
Her voice is monotonous. "Mom thinks I should get out more. She didn't say it in so many words, though. She knows better than that. Billy's driving me crazy and Grim suggested this show. The host has a level of sadistic quality roughly around my attitude. Well, let's see. I already don't like you because you're smiling, but that can change. We'll see. And don't tell me to smile.
[Olive, age 13, Odswad Academy]
A security camera catches an area with a moving wall, carrying tons of numbers and equations all across it. A girl is watching it pass. She is wearing a navy blue pantsuit with her school name on the back, near her shoulders. She is wearing her long brunette hair in a swift ponytail.
"My name is Olive." She starts speaking in a professional manner despite not looking over to the camera. "I am thirteen and I like school. Sue me. No, really. My mother is a lawyer; you'd be giving her more work. More work equals a higher paycheck. Nevertheless, I still need to get away from the constant routine in my daily life. Your show is anything but routine, so think about me when choosing your contestants this season. I'm smart. That's a plus."
[Oren, age 13, Odswad Academy]
The camera shows a very trashy bedroom. There is a uniform similar to Olive's, bunched over a chair - which is halfway leaning against a cluttered desk. There is a mound of dirty clothes and runny comics across the floor. A set of hands positions the camera at an angle then appears with the rest of the body. A boy is wearing an old ripped tee and holey jeans, as well as a pair of glasses.
"What's up? I'm Oren. I go to this smart kids' school but summer's coming and I'd rather be on this whacked show than head to reform school. I went there last year and it sucks. It's boring. I've seen some stuff from last season and hard as it seems, I actually look forward to being on the show. I'm a great strategist."
He pulls out a remote and points it to the camera, turning it off.
[Perry, age 13, Danville]
It opens to a water-themed bedroom. The walls are a wavy blue, like the ocean, and the bed is nothing more than a secured lifeboat. A boy walks in front of the camera, plopping onto the bed. He has natural teal hair and wears a matching tee with an orange tie, a brown jacket and a matching 1940's fedora. He begins to speak quietly in an Australian-
American accent.
"Hey, I'm Perry. I take survival classes under Major Monobrow, err, Monogram. He calls us agents. His secret agents. I think it's pretty cool. Plus a lot of people call me Perry the Platypus because of this chirring sound I sometimes make. Usually it's involuntary, but," He pauses to unfocus his eyes. "Grururu." He blinks a few times then lets out a small chuckle. "My brothers even made me this attachable tail."
He digs under his bed and pulls out an automated platypus tail. "It works along with my emotions and all. And it's really impressive, considering they're only in kindergarten. My sister Candace is roughly my age, meaning she's ten, but I'm not really much into her life. Um, let's see. I'm short for my age. Four foot six. I don't mind. I'm a big surprise in a small package."
He does a quick somersault in the air and turns off the camera.
[Ren, age 17, Hollywood]
The lens cap is removed, broadcasting an old, broken-down couch. A tall yet scrawny teenager trudges over and collapses with a beer bottle. He wolfs down about half the drink and blinks over to the camera.
"I am Ren. I-ee can hold my own and I hate people. But, eet seems I need to get out more. I am ready to take what you can deesh out, you magneefeecent sadeesteec freak of nature!"
He drinks the rest and hurls the bottle at the camera. It breaks the bottle and the lens, causing the picture to go out.
[Robbie, age 17, Lazytown]
A towering, slender teen saunters in front of the camera. He is wearing a jumpsuit of red and purple vertical stripes. Behind him is a fluffy orange chair sitting in a dark, violet, mechanical room. He groans and attempts a grin, which only devolves into a mocking sneer. He falls into the chair and begins to speak.
"I eat unhealthy shit, I wear disguises constantly and sometimes I dress like a woman. Sue me. I'm inventive and extremely antisocial but I know how to muck it up. This godforsaken town is awake and jumping at 5:08 in the morning until 8:08 in the afternoon. In that time space, I'm underground. In my lair under the fucking cow billboard. I don't know anyone in this spiteful town and I use the time they're asleep to run my errands and get shit done. So lemme get on the show so I can get outta Lazytown."
He finishes his thoughts my grabbing a giant mallet from the floor. He stands and begins crushing the camera with impressive force.
[Shego, age 17, Go Tower]
The camera flicks on to reveal a pale teen with long raven hair sitting in the dark at a round black table in a dimly lit room. She is wearing a neon green and black long-sleeved top. Though it isn't seen, her pants match. Her eyes shine a glorious jade as she glares at the camera.
"Alright, about me. Name's Shego. Hobbies? Martial arts and poker. Personality?"
"Cynical." A twenty-something man dressed in blue turns the camera toward him.
"Abrasive." A younger teen dressed in purple switches the camera to him.
"Actively illegal." A set of very young twins dressed in red move the camera to face them.
"Antisocial." Shego angrily turns the attention back to her. "Those dolts are my brothers. You just seen how they are. Oh, and Chris? You say you're a freak of nature? You ain't seen nothing yet."
She leaps onto the table. She is wearing long black gloves and a sweltering green blaze lights up on each hand. While lighting her face up with one, she hurls the other to the camera, successfully ending the tape.
[Snake, age 16, Townsville]
The camera turns on to transmit a teen with a narrow pale face crouching behind a dumpster. The dumpster is disgusting but the teen doesn't seem to mind. He has long shaggy hair sticking out from beneath his 1930's backwards London cap. He is wearing a stained white tank top and old orange-brown shorts, along with some stolen high-tops.
"I'sss in a dangeroussss placccce, here. My name'sss Sssnake an I'sss an outcasssst 'causse of my lissssp. I can takes a punch thoughsss, ands I knows how to fightsss. I knows the waysss of the ssstreetssss ands I wants outs. Takesss me on your ssshow and I's cans show yousss my talentssss."
A loud crash is heard down the alley. Snake hurriedly bounds from his hiding place and the camera shuts off.
[Spencer, age 15, Seattle]
There are dozens of sculptures made from items from junkyards, or just lying around the house. They flitter throughout the living room, pausing at the wooden bench-couch. A goofy teen jumps out from behind with a shout. He tumbles onto the couch and turns to the screen with a wide grin.
"I'm Spencer and I've got cool socks!" He shows off his socks, which light up. "Courtesy of my best bud Socko! I am full of wacky antics and have set something in my house on fire at least ten times! I love, love, love smoothies! Also, I have a baby sister Carlotta who is just awesome! If I get on here, she'll go stay with her juvenile delinquent friend Sam, nerdy friend Freddie with an overbearing helicopter mom, or with the shirtless Gibby and his hot mom."
He drums on the coffee table and it suddenly catches fire. Spencer frowns at this. "Oh, come on!" He extinguishes it and the camera goes off.
[Sportacus, age 16, Lazytown]
The opening camera is an exceptionally dazzling white room. It appears to be a kitchen, what with the outward table and unused bench beside it. A teen dressed head to toe in blue clothing choices literally flips onto the scene. He has a thick Icelandic accent.
"I am Sportacus! I go to bed at 8:08 and wake at 5:08, every day. I am perfectly well rested each and every day. I am allergic to sugar and I always eat healthy."
To demonstrate, he steps on a button on the floor and shouts for an apple. He holds out his hand and an apple flies through the wall. He expertly catches it, winks at the camera and takes a bite.
"I love to exercise and play sports." To prove this point, he begins to do sit-ups and push-
ups as he finishes his fruit. "I'd like to come on the show to make new friends and work together! It'll be fun, I'm sure of it!"
[Stimpy, age 13, Hollywood]
The camera shows a bright orange bedroom. There is a child's bed with a cardboard cat at the headboard. There are dozens of stuffed animals in a certain position and pillows strewn around. Fingerpaintings hang up on the walls. A short, stout teenager skips into the center of the room with his tongue hanging out.
"Hello, I'm Stimpy. I don't got much friends but I like hugs! I like to fingerpaint. I like naptime but not too long. I like watching movies but I don't like to sit still very long. I like choo-choo trains and I love to dance. I can shake my booty! Whoop whoop! Happy happy joy joy!"
He ends transmission after losing his choo-choo train of thought.
[Susie, age 16, Yucaipa]
The first thing seen is a stage. There are windows beyond the curtains that obviously read opening and closing hours, along with an advertisement for a kemo san latte. A black girl walks up, placing a microphone and microphone stand in the center.
"Hi. I'm Susie Carmichael. This is the Java Lava, where I work as a barista. What I really wanna to is," She closes her eyes and her voice cuts off to resonate the next word. "sii-i-i-
i-i-ii-ing." Her voice goes back to normal and she opens her eyes. "I've got an eighteen-
year-old brother who's a genius and is working for NASA; a twenty-two-year-old brother working on his sophomore year of college through a basketball scholarship; and a twenty-eight-year-old sister with a husband and kid of her own. My mom's got a lot of practices, including plumbing and nursing; while my dad is a television producer. My life is pretty hectic and I'd love to leave it for a while so I can work my way to a million dollars. That is definitely something worth fighting for."
She cuts off the tape.
[Tobey, age 13, Fair City]
The bedroom seen has a lot of blueprints scattered, with a full bookshelf and posters of rockets. There is a rocking chair by the bookshelf, and a real portable fireplace in the corner. Just outside of the window, a giant robot is looking in. A blonde boy wearing glasses and a red bow tie walks over to the window, where the camera is now positioned. He is also wearing an eggshell blue long-sleeved top and tan khakis.
"Hello, I am Theodore 'Tobey' McCallister III." He introduces himself in a pompous British accent. "I am a mechanical genius, uh, hold on one moment."
He opens up the window to address the colossal robot. "Brutus, go play in the sandbox." He turns back to the camera. "That is my finest robut. I don't take him on battles; it's too violent. Although, he does take me to school. Mother has pulled strings as the city's district attorney and I attend a private school instead of the dullard public educational system. So, Mr. McClean. I suppose you can let me on the show or be destroyed by my many gigantic robuts which have already locked in on your current location. The clock is ticking!"
He presses a button which ends communication.
[Too-Tall, age 16, Bear County]
The camera is stumbling by exchanging hands. Finally, it rests on an imposing teen wearing a 1930's backwards London cap (like Snake), a yellow-and-red horizontally striped tee and blue jeans.
"I'm Too-Tall, and yeah, that's my name. We all got shitty names in this place. I'm sixteen and I hate kids. I hate school. I got a gang and it's me and these three clowns."
One hand reaches out, handing him and pack of cigarettes. Too-Tall takes one and lights it with the lighter he has in his pocket. "That's Smirk."
Another hand reaches out with a bottle of beer. Too-Tall takes it by the neck and screws the cap off with his pocketknife, also from his pocket. "That's Scuzz."
The camera shakes as the outlining of a downed bottle stirs up the screen. Too-Tall rolls his eyes. He hands off the bottle and places the cigarette in the corner of his mouth. "And Vinnie's recording the movie."
The gang follows Too-Tall as he climbs over a restricted fence, leading to an alley. "We ain't got no place to call home. So I'm gonna get on the show and win me some cash, so me and my buddies here can get a real place to stay."
The camera drops and the picture is gone.
[Zack, age 14, Palm Beach (Florida)]
The camera shows a teen asleep on a lawn chair. He is outside, in a grassy area, wearing blue shorts, a blue top with a picture of a gator on it, and a backwards hot pink baseball cap. Out of nowhere, a lot of ice water is poured on him. He jumps up with excitement and starts yelling to the screen.
"Whoo! That was an ice bucket challenge! Remember that? I'm so far up the alley I had to double back! I am ready for the drama! The Total Drama! Yeah! Come at me, bro! Come at me, ya froot loop dingus!"
The screen becomes static, and then it turns to Chris and Chef. The camera pushes through the screen, and you see Chef with a pot of something - that's trying to wriggle out. Chris grabs a skillet and smashes it over the head and then turns to the camera.
"That's right, we're back! We've got thirty-four contestants this time, with a whole lot of twists. Two are recurring and the rest are new, from all around the place! Stay tuned for our first episode, our first challenge and the groups our contestants will find themselves in! Next time! On, Total! Drama! Showmance!"