So, yeah, I decided to try out one-shots. All the scenes take place in the living/dining room. Let's take it that Itachi, Sasori, Deidara and Hidan are sitting round the four-seater table; Pain and Kakuzu are sitting at opposite ends of the long couch; Kisame's hogging the smaller couch; Konan is in the kitchen and Zetsu is sticking out of the ground (except in the first story where he's not in the room at all!). And for the first story exclusively, bold letters means Black Zetsu is talking. There is no mature content (I'm an innocent reader). Enjoy!

Zetsu(The Misunderstood)
"Zetsu's girlfriend is pregnant," Itachi said nonchalantly as he sipped his coffee, his eyes immediately returning to his book. Sasori, Hidan and Deidara stared at Itachi, mouths hanging open. Kakuzu stopped counting his money. Konan poked her head out of the kitchen. Pain dropped his cup of coffee. "What...did...you...say?"
"You heard me," Itachi said, eyes not leaving his book. Kisame grinned. "That's great news!" he said. "Wait a sec...is that even possible?" Deidara stuttered. "Interesting, I never knew plants produced sperm..." Sasori muttered thoughtfully. "Maybe I could add that to my puppets." "Hold the fuck up, why would puppets need sperm?" Hidan asked. "There's a long list of reasons," Sasori said seriously.
"I'm not sure I heard you correctly," Pain said, screwing his pinky into his ear. "Zetsu's girl is fuckin' pregnant! And he's got sperm too!" Hidan practically screamed at Pain. "I thought plants have pollen..." Pain murmured, obviously in a daze. "It must be some kind of scientific breakthrough. Gotta hand it to Madara, he must be making a lot of cash," Kakuzu said. "Scientific breakthrough, un?" Deidara asked. "Kakuzu's got a point. How else would Zetsu's sperm impregnate a girl?" Sasori said matter-of-factly.
"This conversation is disgusting," Konan said, sticking her head back into the kitchen. "It's surprising though, how Zetsu got a girlfriend before the more attractive ones in this organization," Kisame said, looking pointedly at Itachi, Deidara, Sasori, Hidan and Pain. "That really bothers you, doesn't it, un?" Deidara asked as he sweat-dropped. "Not only is he the fuckin' first, he's the only one too!" Hidan humphed.
"I wonder what the baby will look like?" Konan said, coming out once more. "Twins. I'm betting its twins," Kakuzu said. "One will be all black, while the other will be all white," Kisame guessed. "And they'll be named 'Ze' and 'Tsu', un!" Deidara said sarcastically. "They could take their mother's traits too," Sasori pointed out. "That's true. Anyone remember what Zetsu's girlfriend looks like?" Konan asked.
Silence.
"You guys are pathetic," Konan sighed, shaking her head.
Just then, Zetsu walked in. "Zetsu! Congratulations, man!" Deidara beamed. "Huh?" "I didn't know you had it in you, you son of a bitch!" Hidan grinned (that's his way of saying good job). "Huh?" "I have to admit, me neither," Sasori said, closing his brown eyes in respect. "We might have to make room for a new Akatsuki member!" Pain and Konan chorused. "Huh?" "Don't come begging me for baby-care money!" Kakuzu snapped. "Huh?" "I just hope you don't feed it shark fin soup first," Kisame said worriedly.
"What the hell are you idiots bumbling about?" Black Zetsu snapped. "Your baby, un!" Deidara said (Ha ha! Zetsu said idiot and he's the only one that replied!). "Huh?" Zetsu asked, dumbfounded. "Itachi said that your girlfriend is pregnant," Konan explained.
White Zetsu burst out laughing. "Oh, I get it now!" he cackled. "What's so funny?" Sasori grumbled, getting impatient. "I said I got her a pendant, not pregnant!" White Zetsu managed between giggles.
Every eye (and eye scope) in the room turned to Itachi, who had remained silent through the whole thing. He didn't even flinch. He drained his cup before he looked up. "Well?" Pain demanded. "A little positive thinking wouldn't hurt anybody," Itachi said stoically.

Deidara (The Innocent)
"So how's it going with your girlfriend, Deidara?" Sasori said out of the blue. 6 pairs of eyes turned to Deidara and Konan (who obviously has the ears of a cat) poked her head through the kitchen door. Deidara himself was bright red. "Thanks a lot, Sasori no Danna," Deidara groaned while his red-headed partner smirked. "You weren't not gonna fuckin' tell us, were you?" Hidan said, raising an eyebrow. "That was sort of the plan, un," Deidara muttered. "I knew," Zetsu volunteered.
"Cool. When'd you start dating?" Kakuzu asked. "And how much money did you spend on them?" Deidara rolled his eyes. "A few weeks ago," he answered. "How does she feel about dating another woman?" Itachi asked, not actually taking his eyes off his newspaper. "You're one to talk, Ponytail!" Deidara snapped. "No, that's a serious question," Pain said, and Kisame snickered.
Hidan put his arm around Deidara (almost strangling the poor guy) with a mischievous grin on his face. Uh oh, Deidara thought. "So, have you kids done anything yet?" he asked. "Er...done?" Deidara asked. He immediately regretted it. "Ya know, the basics. Hugging, kissing, touching..." Deidara felt his cheeks go hot. "T-touching?" he stammered. Another regretted action.
"Fingers roaming, clothes flying, girl's moaning," Hidan said seductively. "Ugh!" Konan growled, stomping back into her kitchen. "Can't you guys have a normal conversation for once?!"
Deidara's whole face was red, and steam was floating out from all openings, with Hidan still whispering suggestive phrases into his ear. "S-stop...please," he whimpered. "Cut it out, Hidan," Sasori said, though amused. "Deidara's still a kid." "I am NOT! I am 19 years old!" Deidara objected, completely forgetting about Hidan. "Sure you are," Itachi scoffed with a roll of his eyes. Deidara lost it. "You're only two years older than me, you big *BEEEEEEEEP*!"
Sasori, Hidan, Kisame, Kakuzu and Pain stared at Deidara in shock. Even Konan peeped out once more, cursing her curiosity. "The kid knows some adult words," Zetsu said simply.

Hidan (The Doubted)
"Dammit woman! Bring the damned food already!" Hidan yelled. "Damned?! You think my food is damned?! Fine! I'm not cooking anymore!" Konan fumed, and stomped out of the kitchen angrily. "Women," Kakuzu scoffed. "Whatever. I wasn't going to eat anyway," Sasori said boredly. Itachi materialized a black crow on his palm, and the crow flew out the window. It flew back shortly after, carrying a huge branch of grapes in its beak. Itachi took the branch, and the crow diasppeared. "Eating healthy, eh Itachi?" Zetsu grinned. "Everyone needs to once in a while," Itachi said blandly, chewing slowly on his breakfast. "No fair, Itachi!" Deidara whined. "Oi, Itachi. Why don't you summon a kingfisher instead and send it to get a mackerel for me?" Kisame asked. "Ugh. Cannibal," Sasori scoffed, disgusted.
"I'm not a cannibal. Sharks eat smaller fish. It's practically a law of nature!" Kisame objected, grinning. Itachi and Sasori rolled their eyes.
Deidara's stomach growled, and he looked at Pain with big, watery blue eyes. "Leader-sama, please get Konan back! Before I...die!" he pleaded. Pain sighed. "Fine!' he said, closing his newspaper and getting up to chase after Konan. "Ugh, no use keeping her waiting. I'm off!" Hidan sighed, getting up. "Keeping who waiting, un?" Deidara asked. "My girlfriend. We have a date today," Hidan said.
"Your what?" Kakuzu asked. "You have a what?" Sasori questioned. An anime vein popped on Hidan's forehead. "I said I have a fuckin' girlfriend, you assholes! What the fuck is wrong with you guys?! Do you have hearing problems?!" he screamed. "Well, now I do," Itachi said, screwing a pinky into his ear.
"What happened?!" Pain exclaimed, running back into the room with a reluctant Konan following him. "Hidan said he has a girlfriend," Kisame grinned. Pain's jaw dropped. "Go complain about her food instead then," Konan muttered. "What the fuck is wrong with you fuckers?!" Hidan spat. "You don't believe me?!" "I believe you," Zetsu said cheekily. "After all, I've seen her." "Yeah yeah, we know you're literally everywhere at the same time, un," Deidara snapped, annoyed.
"I feel bad for the poor girl who ended up dating a sex fiend," Sasori sighed melodramatically. "I AM NOT A SEX FIEND, YOU FRIGGIN' PUPPET!" Hidan raved, stomping his feet like a child. Sasori smirked. He loved messing with people. "Correction, Sasori, feel bad for the girl who ended up dating a 5-year-old," Kakuzu said. "Correction taken," Sasori quipped. That only made Hidan scream more.
"Urusai," Itachi sighed. Konan giggled and Pain sighed. "Don't worry Hidan," Deidara said, placing a reassuring hand on Hidan's shoulder. "I'll make fireworks for your one year anniversary...that is, if she even survives that long, un!"
"BULLSHIT!"
Sorry, we cannot show what happened next due to the fact that it is inappropriate to all viewers under 50.

Hoshigaki Kisame (The Mocked)
It was a normal morning at the Akatsuki hideout. Well, as normal as it could get with the Akatsuki. Konan had already served breakfast and was tidying the kitchen. Itachi and Pain were buried in their books. Sasori and Deidara were buried in their art. Kakuzu was buried in his money. Hidan was buried in his religion. And Zetsu was buried in the ground.
Kisame, however, was uncharacteristically buried in his thoughts. Though he wasn't really looking at his blue partner, Itachi sensed it immediately. "What's eating you?" he asked out of the blue. Kisame's head shot up, and he grinned his signature shark grin. "Nothing," he answered. Itachi narrowed his eyes. "I wasn't born yesterday," he stated. Kisame grinned. "Ever the observant one," he relented.
"I'm thinking," Kisame said. "Whoa. Kisame's thinking? Praise Jashin!" Hidan hooted. "I'm not sure Jashin was at work there," Kakuzu sweat-dropped, looking at his hopeless partner. "About what?" Deidara asked. "Just a random question: what do girl's like?" Kisame asked. The room went as silent as a graveyard.
Konan walked in and put her hands on her hips. "What's this about a girl?" she asked curiously. "Maybe he's meeting his long-lost little sister and wants to get her something nice," Pain suggested. "That makes sense, un," Deidara nodded. "Could be his mother," Sasori commented. "Or his niece," Deidara pointed out. "It could be a cousin," Kakuzu offered. Kisame rolled his eyes, relieved they weren't anywhere near the truth. Konan noticed the look on his face and exclaimed, "Isn't it obvious? Kisame has a girlfriend!"
Once again, pin-drop silence filled the room. "Excuse me, what?" Pain coughed. "That's fuckin' hilarious!" Hidan howled, bursting into a fit of cackles. Kisame ducked his head, annoyed. "Is that true?" Itachi asked his partner. "Well yeah, as Konan so helpfully pointed out," he said, managing a grin. "Wow. Is she 6 foot-1million too?" Sasori asked monotonously. Kisame grinned at the redhead. "I'm 6'5", and no, actually, she's around your height," he said. "Whoa! Talk about a long-distance relationship!" Deidara laughed, referring to the difference in height between the two. "She doesn't seem to mind," Kisame said, grinning dangerously.
"Oh, she will mind, sooner or later," Hidan said, finally recovering from his laughter. "When Samehada just fuckin' eats her shoes!" "Or when you accidentally drag her into a battle," Pain pointed out. "Or when you bite her tongue off in the middle of a kiss!" White Zetsu said, sending the rest of the Akatsuki into uproarious laughter. Even Itachi cracked a smile. "I-I'm s-s-sorryyyyyy!" Konan managed while still laughing.
Kisame rolled his eyes. Seems like he wasn't getting that present anytime soon.

I originally planned to make them all in one chapter. In fact, I already have it all typed up! I just thought that a little suspense would be good for the business! ^_^
Please comment! I love to hear what you all think!