Prologue: Haze
Author's note: Hey there, since so many asked, here's the sequel to Je le Crois. Truthfully, I have no clue how long this will take me to write. Even in my notes it's at least twice as long as the other. Also for the prologue I am switching to first person. By the first chapter we will be back to normal…It is way too exhausting to try not to use I and me too often n.n; not to mention Ed's thoughts are not really flowers and kittens (snickers...That's Al.) Anyways, I hope you all enjoy the sequel...I will try and make it happier.
I feel my brother's cool hand around my wrist and hear the gravel snapping beneath my feet, but truthfully my mind is miles away. I don't want to follow him….I don't want to be dragged off to face my fears, since I know exactly where Al is taking me. To him….To the real him. I feel so empty, the shock has all but drained me of my usual boisterousness, my confidence is nothing but a shadow that forlornly follows me. I don't want to see him…I can't imagine facing him. I won't be able to look him in the eyes, not after all I've done, and felt and seen. Now that I've opened up my heart and divulged its darkest secret, how can I stuff it back into oblivion and pretend that I'm fine? Now that I know how good it could be…How can I keep my feelings from overflowing? How can I face someone who will be oblivious to my true feelings when my heart is still laying in a million shattered pieces on the ground?....I wish I had been given at least a few hours to pull myself together.
While trying to figure out a way to postpone the inevitable meeting I begin to worry my lower lip, a bad habit I have picked up that immediately gives away the fact that I am upset. I glance over….Damnit, I know Al saw...He catches my eye and gives me a look that I have always interpreted as him trying to guilt me into telling him what's wrong. Maybe he's worried that I won't be able to take the sight waiting in that hell of anti-septics, white walls and tastelessly decorated rooms. I'm betting he hasn't guessed the truth of what happened…Beyond the fact that I was attacked by that bastard Envy. Though I know he's worried…This time….I can't tell him.
Before we'd left I'd caught a quick glimpse of myself in the full length mirror in Mustang's room. I had noticed the almost black bruises along my neck in the shape of his hands, the pallor of my skin and my eyes…So dead looking…Probably the reason when my brother had found me he'd gasped in shock. At that moment I had wondered: Why am I alive? Not only could the Homunculus have crushed the life out of me with insane simplicity…But why the pain, so red-hot and all-encompassing…Why hadn't that killed me? I almost wanted to be dead. I was so stupid! Only someone like me, someone who's selfish and naïve could think that after all they had done that they still deserved to fall happily in love. That someone with as many sins as I have on my shoulders has any claim on being happy…I guess this was justice. It hurt…But it was fair. Just another wounding example of my foolishness…of my inexperience and egotistical desires. Had I been more careful with my yearnings, perhaps none of this would have happened. My breathing hitches as another wave of self-loathing hits me with crippling force…I had been the cause of Mustang's pain as well. I was pathetic and weak and disgusting and someone else got dragged down with me because of it…Again…..Maybe he already knows. I'll just have to apologize over and over again, suck up all this pain and discard it...Taking the consequences for my actions, end of story!
As if it is that easy….I'm only human. I know that when I see him my breathing will catch in my throat, my heart will race hard and fast and it'll take every ounce of self-control I possess not to want to throw myself into the safety of his arms. No matter what, these dark desires have been unleashed in me and though it was a self-indulgent wish, one steeped in sin and stupidity and was obviously unrequited…I couldn't help myself. Even so...I can't act on it; I won't drag him down any more than I already have. I can't clue him into my selfish needs because that would be the ultimate transgression and after all I put Roy--no, Mustang…through, making him outright tell me I was delusional was unfair to him…And would destroy me. In any case, Envy was probably right…I'd never seen anything in Mustang to suggest he'd ever cared more for me than he would a younger sibling or his own child. As hard as it was to accept…I'd never be his lover. I'd never be anything more than Fullmetal, the child he'd recruited and now had to watch over.
I stall in front of the hospital, staring up at the gate separating it from the world outside. My world…My solution to the problem I am facing is to stall childishly refusing to budge an inch. I hoped if I behaved as such that Al would sick of dealing with me and my stubbornness and go on alone. It's never worked in the past, but who knows right? I always wait for the day where he finally snaps and gets angry for everything that's happened, and get mad at me like I deserve. Maybe then he'll abandon me, and I could never stop it, because if he really wanted to… I would never begrudge his choice. It's not that I'm not thankful my brothers around and that he's kind and forgiving… It's just that I don't deserve it, and truthfully he probably lets me get away with far too much.
When he finally pushes me towards the doors I know the battle is lost. My stubbornness never gets me anywhere with Al, because he's just as stubborn, even more so when he firmly believes he's helping. Numbly I make my way past the threshold, anxieties knowing at my stomach until I am surprised there's anything left. I feel like a condemned criminal on death row, slowly shuffling my feet towards their ultimate doom, with no escape or way to retreat. My feet are dragging too, but Al behind me blocks any escape I could have, and while there's a large part of me that does want to run away and never look back, there is that small hidden part that says I want to see him badly. Half way down the hall, one that seems to go on forever, I freeze for real my legs locking in fear. My anxieties become unbearable and I feel something uncommon, the beginnings of a panic attack. Breathing hard I clutch unconsciously at my shirt, trying to ground myself. I want to cry, but there's no way I'd sink so low. I keep telling myself I'm stronger than that, and I can't worry Al any more than he is. I feel with absolute certainty that if I face Mustang, I will break down completely, or my heart will beat so hard and burst…Something will happen anyways. What if that green-haired bastard had told him how I actually felt about him…What if he's sickened by me and wants me to disappear? The thought freezes my insides, filling me with an emotion I can only label as despair. My hands start shaking...And I hope it's not visable to anyone but myself. Carefully reigning in my doubts I turn to Al, addressing him in what I hope is an unconcerned voice.
"You first..." I ask him, trying to make it sound like a perfectly normal request. Of course Al is still surprised. I'm usually the one who rushes into things bravely, to have me hang back is very uncommon. I know I would be worried if someone I knew suddenly pulled a one eighty, and became shy and distant when they were usually anything but. I gesture meaningfully and with a shrug Al accepts, glancing over his shoulder at me. We continue on again with me just behind him praying that if I stand behind him just right I'll disappear and not have to deal with any of this shit.
I ruin it of course, by peeking out past Al once we're ushered into the room. Just as I feared my errant heart betrays me and begins to beat so loud I am sure people down the street can hear it, let alone the man in the bed at the other end of the room. Even worse, I feel my cheeks grow warm as I catch sight of him in the bed….even more perfect than I remember despite the bruises and pallor. Quickly, I duck behind Al again just as those other's sparkling eyes registered just who they were seeing. I tried valiantly to push my condemning emotions back into place in the darkest recesses of my mind and bring my reactions back under control. Unfortunately, at that very moment Colonel Mustang decided to call me by name, not Fullmetal as he usually did. The room practically twirled around me as those words pushed me over the edge, into an inescapable vortex of memories, all but one false…But all longed for with such an intensity it almost ripped me in two.
With much difficulty I succeed in pushing even these behind that wall of impassiveness. The same trick I have mastered after years of searching for the Philosopher's Stone and always coming up empty handed. The ritual is different yet the emotions are the same…Desperation, hopelessness…Duty and longing all battle hand in hand in me on an almost constant basis as it is. I plaster my usual brash smile on my face, but I don't saunter up to the bed with my usual arsenal of insults. Instead I hang back and just try bravely to keep it together, fearing what could go wrong if I let go of the restraints I have placed on myself even a bit…If I were to look too closely, or think too much this whole charade might come crashing down all around me, exposing me for who I really am. It's risk I dare not take, and my hand unconsciously snakes across my body, crossing across my torso as though I needed some sort of reminder on how much I was hurting. The smile so carefully constructed melts off as though it were never there. I want to be anywhere else right now…And it shows.
I manage to respond, greeting the man in the bed. Carefully he looks me over then gasps in surprise and with some difficulty hoists himself from the bed. He reaches out to me, his eyes focused at the marks around my neck and suddenly I understand…But also know I don't want him coming any closer to me. My instincts kick in before my mind processes it and I thrust my arms out in front of me. I feel something hard, in this case Mustang, connect with my arms and then unexpectedly there's nothing. I watch as the man stumbles backwards, caught off guard by the force of my assault…and suddenly I feel horrible. Ashamed that I would attack someone for no good reason like that I turn and walk from the room, leaving Al to explain. Right now…I need sleep. I want to forget and stomp out that little annoying voice in the back of my mind that keeps whispering to me about my sins and shortcomings and that is making me feel sick to my stomach. I don't feel I deserve to be near anyone at the moment…And I don't want anyone to witness my disgrace. This is something I must do alone. I break into a run the moment I am out the door and don't stop until I am safely in my own room, the door locked behind me. Flinging myself into my own bed for the first time since this whole ordeal I press the pillow to my face, muffling the scream that ripped itself from my throat and then for the second time that day, wept from the shame of all I had done.