She looks so beautiful. She stands by the train with her red hair blowing in the September wind, green eyes bright with expectation and I don't think I've ever seen a sight as captivating as her right now. She is the centre of attention, even with all the chaos that boarding the Hogwarts Express causes, but I never expected anything else of Lily. All her friends crowd around her, chattering animatedly and she looks almost deliriously happy. I want to walk up to her, to be able to talk to her again, but it's been two years since that horrifying experience by the lake and she hasn't talked to me since. But Merlin knows I've tried, I've bloody tried too many times to count and lost my courage far too bloody often too. My fists clench instinctively as I think about it. Merlin knows I shouldn't be forgiven for what I'd done, though I'd desperately hoped she'd find it in her heart to. But every time, every time I had gathered up the wits to talk to her
"I'm sorry, Severus. I really wish it could be different. But you've chosen your side and I've chosen mine."
Her exact words, every single time. It's hard to forget the most crushing words you've ever heard in your life. And I can still remember every second of that encounter by the lake in fifth year. By far the worst moment of my life.
Since then, she's been so out of reach. So far away, and falling precariously closer to the arrogant toe-rag Potter. My eyes flicker back to her and her group of friends; Alice, Marlene, and a recent addition to their close group, Teresa Penhallows. Lily's showing them something, her face lighting up with excitement and I can't help but smile because it's Lily and I've never been able to hide anything when it comes to her. Even my love. But she was never good at seeing things like that. Hell, she didn't even see Potter's obvious obsession with her and the whole school knew about that. I craned my neck and took a few cautious steps towards her, trying to see what it was that she was showing them.
A Head Girl badge. That's what she was holding and for a moment I'm stunned, but then again, I never expected anything less of her. Head Girl. She deserved it. She worked her arse off all year just to achieve her outstanding grades. Truly, I was happy for her. It was hard not to be when her happiness was so contagious.
But I wasn't Head Boy. I'd hoped for the position but there was no way Dumbledore would've given it to me. Now though, I wanted it desperately, wanted nothing but to work with Lily all year and have her hear me out so that she'd forgive me and we could go back to the way we used to be, friends, maybe something more. But I hadn't gotten the fucking badge. So who could it be? Jonathan Wendall. If it was that prat I'd kill him. Christopher Avenwood. No, he was abominable at Potions. Remus Lupin. Yes, it could be him. Merlin, if it wasn't me I hoped it was him because if it was Wendall or Avenwood or even bloody Potter I'd murder them before we got to Hogwarts. The pricks, they'd all fancied Lily and none of them deserved her. None of them. Especially Potter, because he was so fucking close to dating Lily it physically pained me to see them together. And speak of the devil, there he was, strutting towards her a smug smile fixated upon his hideous face.
I was going to kill him. I would kill Potter because in the palm of his hand he held the Head Boy badge and Lily was hugging him so tightly, a smile and a laugh on her lips. I reached inside my robes, gripping my wand tightly, the feel of it comfortable in my hands after so many years, and began the walk towards that blasted ass Potter, who was smirking and staring blatantly at Lily when he had no right. Five more steps and I would be able to hex Potter, curse him so badly that not even his mother would want to touch him again. Three more steps. Two.
TOOOT.
The sharp staccato wheeze of the train started me and I stopped in my tracks. I hesitated a second, but when I looked back, they had disappeared into the train. And I, too, had no choice but to go with them because not going to Hogwarts would be like spitting upon the only thing I still held sacred. So I boarded the train with all the other students, sat down in the seat that Avery had saved for me and stared with forced interest out the window as the sights and sounds of the station blurred into grass and wilderness.