A series of post-ep oneshots for Casey and Olivia. Friendship or preslash, whichever your preference is. And I won't be doing Intoxicated, because I don't write fics for episodes I've never seen and I've never seen a re-run of it. When it was originally aired... well, I thought blond Casey and Alex were the same person. Enough said.

Actually, not enough said. I have a question. I've heard about her infamous choice of lime green and purple as a color scheme, but I've actually never seen it before. Does anyone know what episode she wears that in? Because I am a limer so I have to see it!

First up, Blinded. Obvious spoilers for 'Blinded' and 'Influence'. Minor spoilers for 'Intoxicated' as well.

Chapter 1

Past Guilt

"Where did you get this?" Casey whispered haltingly, but of course, she already knew. Only one person had the means, motive, and opportunity to break her heart like this. Look at that, she thought, I was just betrayed by my best friend and I'm still thinking like a lawyer.

At that, she couldn't back a soft, sad chuckle, and Jack got to his feet and snapped, "You think this is funny, Novak?"

She sobered up immediately and shook her head. "No sir," Casey said quietly, struggling not to cry right then and there. She couldn't believe this. The one person Casey had ever trusted with that secret about Charlie had just sold her out. I knew I shouldn't have ever trusted her. Fuckin in love with her partner. No, this just proves what Charlie taught me- I'm an unlovable bitch who deserves everything she got. Why would anyone ever chose me over Elliot, anyway? Who could ever want to be with someone as worthless as me?

But Jack is still talking. "-and don't think I won't have you disbarred, Novak, because I will!"

Casey had no idea what he was talking about, but she had to play the nice, compliant ADA to get to escape to her office. "Yes sir."

He nodded, but he was clearly still angry. "Now, get out of here before I change my mind and suspend you." Casey turned and started to leave, but when she got to the door he called out, "Oh, and Casey?" The ADA looked back at him, her face blank, and he said softly, "That's the only copy of the incident report left in existence. All that's left is the one in the police archives and the one in your hand. I will pretend I never read that so long as this doesn't happen again. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," she said again before hurrying out into the hallway with only one thought on her mind: to escape to her office before anybody else sees her start to cry.

The moment she was in the dark confines of her office, Casey shut and locked the door, fed the single sheet of paper into the shredder, then sat down at her desk and pulled the picture of her and Charlie out of the drawer.

She sighed as the memories rushed back to her, and she put her head down on her arms and tried to stifle the sobs.

"Charlie," she pleaded weakly, trying to talk through the blood in her mouth. "Charlie, stop. Please."

He hit her again, and the blow was strong enough to dislodge her already failing grip and she collapsed. Casey could dimly hear him shouting, "I know you're cheating on me! I know you are!"

"I'm not," she tried again, but he silenced her with another kick to the head.

"Don't lie to me!" he screamed before everything went black.

When she woke up, Casey could hear people in her apartment. At least, that's where she hoped she was. After a minute or so of struggling to open her eyes through her pounding head, she only had one concern: Charlie. But then someone kicked in the door to the bedroom, and in rushed two armed police officers. When they spotted her lying on the floor and covered in blood, one ran to her side while the other hurried to check the open window. "No," she managed to gasp, spitting out some of the blood in her mouth so she could talk clearer. "Stop."

"Ma'am, you need to lie still," the officer told her. "I've called an ambulance, but it could take a couple-"

"No!" she insisted again, sitting upright. "I'm fine! I don't need an ambulance."

The officer frowned uncertainly, then shook his head. "Ma'am, you're hurt pretty badly. You need to go to the hospital." When Casey started to protest again, he held up his hand and said, "Just let the EMTs take a look at you, at least." The ADA nodded reluctantly- she was fine, it was just a little fight, she wasn't hurt. But she supposed she didn't have a choice. "Ma'am, your neighbors- the ones who called us- said they recognized your voice as well as your fiancé's, Charlie Parker, and that you were fighting. Do you know where he is? We have to take him into custody."

That woke Casey up with a vengeance. "No!" she shouted. "No, don't, please! It... It wasn't his fault, he's sick! I said something stupid, that's all, I should of known better- it wasn't his fault! You can't take him!"

The officer looked down at her sympathetically, and Casey hated the pity in his gaze. "Miss, if he loved you, he wouldn't have hurt you."

Casey jumped to her feet and grabbed her ADA badge, showing it to him. "Look, I know the law- you couldn't get a conviction if you tried, and I won't let you arrest him! You don't have a complaining witness! I'm an ADA, I know that unless I agree to testify you wouldn't have a case, and any half-assed defense attorney would make an insanity plea in a minute! Please, it's just better for everyone if you leave us alone."

"It won't be better for you if he attacks you again."

That was too much for Casey. She jumped to her feet and shouted, "Get the hell out of my apartment! If you touch Charlie I will make sure you lose your jobs and I will personally make your lives hell! Leave us the hell alone!"

She shook her head, desperately wiping the tears from her eyes. The next day, Charlie had shown up and apologized, promising for the hundredth time that he would take his medication and saying over and over again that he loved her. And Casey had fallen for him, hard, all over again. The only thing that had gotten her out of the relationship was the week-long business trip just several days after he had attacked her. Charlie had hugged and kissed her goodbye, and even though she loved him, Casey had been terrified standing that close to him, breaking the bad news of the trip to him... and feeling his rough hands on her delicate body had nearly sent her into a panic attack. And then, that week apart... she had spent alot of time thinking on that trip.

Realizing that, even though she loved Charlie, if she stayed with him... she was going to die.

She went to see him, that one last time, to gather her stuff and leave. When she told him what she was going to do, he went into a wild rage, flying around the apartment like a tornado and almost killing Casey in the process. But, somehow, she had escaped with her life. The next day, she moved to an unlisted address and got a new office and tried to forget about Charlie.

But you can't forget about someone you loved- or still love, to this very day, even though he beat the hell out of her and had been dead for six months. She still loved him and blamed herself for his death, blamed herself for not staying with him and taking care of him, making sure he took his medication. For some reason that amazing man had loved her back, even though she clearly hadn't deserved it, until the sick, cruel shell of a man took his place. When she left him, it proved to her that she was unlovable and that everything she touched turned to mud.

Someone knocked loudly on her office door, bringing her back to reality. She sniffed, trying to regain her composure before calling in a slightly cracked voice, "Come in."

Olivia stepped inside and stood smugly in the doorway, a small smirk on her face, which grew even more pronounced when she saw that Casey had been crying. "Well?" she asked, an expectant look on her face. "Now that you know who's boss, got something to say?"

Oh no. Oh hell no. The only good thing that had come out of her break-up with Charlie was the fact that Casey would never let someone 'be the boss of her'. Sure, with Jack McCoy, it was in a professional light, but not with Olivia Benson. If Casey had let Charlie get what he wanted, she would be dead. She would never let someone take control of her life again. "Excuse me?" she snapped, gripping the photo of her and Charlie under the desk and trying to keep her voice steady.

"I showed you that I really don't care who you work for, you don't hurt my partner and expect to go unpunished. Now I think someone needs to mature past the age of five and say she's sorry."

"Yeah, and I'm looking right at her." Despite her cool demeanor, Casey was about five seconds away from strangling Olivia. She was sick of people continuously pointing out to her what an unlovable bitch she was, and the detective had better wise up and leave before Casey let her self-control slip and hit her.

Olivia looked surprised, but only for a moment. "Well, it seems you need another lesson in who not to mess with. I told you, you hurt Elliot, and I'm not going to let you do what you did just because of some stupid thing from the past and get away with-"

"Stupid thing from the past?" she screamed, shoving Olivia back up against the wall. "How dare you?! I loved him! It's my fault he's dead and I wasn't going to let someone else die when I could have prevented it! And what do you think you're doing, telling me to apologize? What about what you did, huh?" Casey knew she should stop, before she said something that she regretted, but she was in full-on rant mode, interested only in telling Olivia exactly what she had done to her. "And I did not hurt Elliot! He was mad I used him, but he acted like a fuckin adult and talked to me about it instead of running to my boss like a tattletale and telling him the worst secret from my past! You only want revenge, and to do it you just about broke my heart by betraying my trust the way you did! Do you have any idea how much that hurts, Olivia? Since you seem incapable of understanding anyone else's feelings, I'll give you an example- Carrie fuckin Eldrige! You told me secrets about your past, but did I go running to Cragen and running my mouth to try and get you in trouble! No! I kept your damn secret! If you think I'm ever going to trust you again you're fuckin wrong, because now I know anything I say can and will be used against me by Olivia Benson, vigilante bitch you will break her friend's hearts to get what she wants! All I wanted was someone who wouldn't betray me, was that too much to ask? But apparently it was, because you just proved something to me again- I deserve everything I get because I let Charlie die and didn't stay with him when he was sick, and no one's ever going to love me because I'm just a selfish bitch- well, I get it already! Enough! Can't you just stop shouting the truth at me and leave me alone?"

Casey wanted to go on, she really did, but it was just too much. She doubled over in tears and whirled away from Olivia so the detective wouldn't see her looking so weak, trying hard not to make a sound and hoping Olivia would get the message and leave.

Olivia was still trying to process what Casey had just said. She realized, with horror, that she had never given a thought to how the ADA would react to her betrayal- in fact, Olivia hadn't even thought of it as a betrayal. She had just thought that Casey deserved to be punished for what she had done to Elliot and that this would hurt her more then anything else.

When she realized that her aim had been to actually hurt Casey, she was disgusted with herself. Olivia couldn't believe she had been so heartless. Yes, Elliot was her best friend, but... so was Casey. And the ADA was right- this was no different from the situation with Carrie Eldridge. Except she hadn't kept Casey's secret.

Olivia turned back to Casey and felt her heart ache when she saw she was crying- even though she was trying to hide it. The detective walked slowly forward and put her hands on her shaking shoulders, turning her gently around then pulling her close in a crushing hug. "I'm so sorry, Casey," she whispered into Casey's hair, rubbing her back gently and trying to soothe her sobs. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, Casey, I never meant to, I'm so sorry..."

She held Casey for almost ten minutes until the ADA pulled away, wiping her eyes hurriedly and giving her a small, weak smile. "Thanks," she mumbled after a moment, then added on as an afterthought, "I'm sorry for- for what I said. I shouldn't have-"

"No, Casey," she interrupted, placing her hands on Casey's shoulders again so she couldn't back away. "Don't say you're sorry. You don't have anything to apologize for. I'm sorry. I never should have gone behind your back like that. Casey... what you said- you're wrong, you know. You don't deserve any of this, you didn't let Charlie die, you're not unlovable and you're not a selfish bitch. Casey, I love you- you're like my little sister. My smartass, brilliant, prosecutor little sister, but still, my sister. I love you and I know that you don't deserve what Charlie and... I did. When you left Charlie, you made the hardest choice a woman ever has to make- letting the love of you life go so you can live, or staying with him so you can die. You made the right choice, Casey."

"I don't know," she mumbled, staring at her feet. "Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed with him... if I hadn't walked out on him, if I had gone through with our marriage-"

"Casey, I do know what would happened," Olivia said sharply as she shook her head. "Abusive relationships only escalate. Now, you can Charlie wasn't abusive, but when he was sick, he was. From what you told me, it was a textbook case of abuse. If you had stayed, he eventually would have beaten you so hard you wouldn't have made it out alive. You had to save yourself."

"What about Charlie?" she asked miserably. "Who had to save him?"

Olivia sighed, putting an arm around Casey's shoulders and shaking her head. "You tried your best, Casey." There was nothing else she could say. She knew it wasn't Casey's fault, but that wouldn't change the fact that Casey loved Charlie and blamed herself for his death. She could only hope that, one day, Casey could realize it was not her fault.

They remained like that for a long time, then Casey walked away from Olivia and started gathering her stuff together. The detective waited silently until she was finished then walked with her to the door. Casey hesitated, then looked up at her, hand on the knob, and said, "Olivia, I forgive you. And... thank you for staying. And listening. It- well, it means alot to me."

The words were awkward and uncertain, but sincere. Olivia sighed in relief, finally voicing the nervous question that had been on her mind for the past half hour. "So we're still friends?"

Casey smiled slightly and nodded. Yes, Olivia had hurt her, probably more then the detective would ever know, but that didn't mean Casey couldn't forgive her. "You're like my sister too, Liv. I couldn't hate my sister."

Olivia gave a weak chuckle and wrapped a hesitant arm around Casey's shoulders, smiling even wider when the ADA returned the gesture.

Meh, I don't really like this, but whatever. Next up is 'Raw'. Also, I wrote a romantic version (CO, of course) of the above fic- drop a review if you want to read it and tell me and I'll post it here.