Okay, so like I've said this is my English A-level coursework so I'd appreciate you telling me what you think of it! I had to do a text transformation as in choosing a text and a style model then changing it. So I got The Raven and Bridget Jones' diary and well, this is the result.
Wednesday 28th November.
10.35 PM. Nora's dead. Dead. My Nora. How could this happen? This…this isn't right. Isn't how it should be! Should have had kids, taken that second honeymoon she always yaps…yapped on about, should have grown old together.
Monday 3rd December.
4.53 AM. Funeral today. Don't know if can cope with Nora's parents, and their sad pitying eyes. They hate me. More than normal parents should. More than enough to think their daughter's death is my fault. Like I gave her the cancer.
11.50 PM. Was worse than thought it'd be. Whole family in uproar because I wouldn't look at her, wanted to remember her how she used to be before cancer not withered and sick. Can still hear her mother's voice shrill and unyielding as she spat, "How dare you, how dare you! She was your wife! My daughter! And you can't even look at her! You selfish bastard-"
And that was where I walked out. Wasn't about to stand around listening to Martin and Janine scream their throats raw at me for not looking at my wife one last bloody time.
Tuesday 4th December.
8.17 AM. Woken by bloody phone, five missed calls. Am going to switch it off. Need to forget about this whole thing, tried looking through books but ended up reading the same paragraph over and over again. Need to forget.
10.35 AM. Too early to drink isn't it? Too early. Nora always said shouldn't drink before noon…to hell with it.
4.10 PM. Have no bloody alcohol. Need lots.
4.45 PM. Ha ha! Alcohol acquired!
5.30 PM Phone won't stop ringing. Maybe should disconnect the line? Hmm. Got about 50 different voice mails, mainly Janine screaming at me. Must delete.
5.35 PM Phone still ringing. Def disconnecting line.
7.15 PM. Oh god, sick on couch. Made more room for tequila. Brilliant.
Wednesday 5th December.
1.00 AM. Hangover. Bad, bad, bad. Time flies when you're drunk. Everything's wait…oooh hangover v.bad. Need more tequila, if keep drinking no hangover, though may destroy liver…hmm…
1.04 AM. Decided don't care about liver, alcohol good, v.g. Helps forget about Nora.
11.00 AM. Bloody James - Mr-I'm-better-than-you, Mr-I'm-always-right - came around to see if I was all right. I'd turned off my phone to politely say to friends and family: "I don't want to bleeding talk to you!" but apparently Mr-I-am-King-of-the-world-bow-down-to-me-scum doesn't take rejection very well. Bad looser you see, never could play poker with him. So does this mean I now need a giant flashing neon sign outside my house declaring this to be camp 'Fuck off, I'm brooding'? Thought it'd be a good way to stop people from coming around to see if I'm, how did he put it? "Alright?" Needless to say I'd choked on my mouthful of Jack. Whiskey in the lungs, keeps you warm at night.
"Of course I'm not bloody alright!" I'd growled lips around the bottle of Jack
Daniels – yes I'd moved on at this point from tequila to something with a little more burn.
"You need to get out of this house Charlie," James had said with his happy 'come and tell me your feelings' bullshit slapped on his face. Wonderful. Peachy. Prying little git. I took another deep draught from the bottle.
"Hey now, come on. You need to talk to someone, all this…" At this point he waved his arm around to encompass the apparent 'severity' of the situation, "it's going to kill you." What the alcohol? Pfft, no! Who was he anyway Dr. Phil? Yes James, have you taken a sneaky psychology degree when I was away last summer? Hmm. Wouldn't put it past the bugger.
"At this point James my boy, I don't give a sh-"
"Charlie," He said his sad tone reprimanding as he stood hands on his hips - looks like a damn woman I thought then snorted into the bottle. Nice image of James wearing a…never mind. "Charlie, what would Nora think of this?" That. That was uncalled for! Took another drink said tightly: "Get out." Not moving from the purple armchair strewn with handmade cushions designed by Nora. Put the empty bottle down to accompany the small array of other empty bottles at my feet.
"Charlie," He'd said again taking a step towards my slumped figure, "Jesus-"
"Out. Get. Out!" I snarled and am quite pleased to say that he did in fact leave…quite speedily. Whoever said anything about my bad persuading skills well take that!
5.15 PM. Think they've finally taken hint. Phone calls – nil. Text messages – nil. House visits – nil. Snotty voice mails from Nora's parents – down from 50 to…okay so I've got more voice mails maybe all haven't taken hint.
8.00 PM. Run out of alcohol. No money. Wait may have emergency supply of whiskey in cellar.
8.45 PM. Emergency supply found. Must drink. Must drink.
8.47 PM. Emergency supply of alcohol tastes like ass, but burns all the way.
11.57 PM. Think drunk too much, can hear tapping. Think going crazy. Tapping might be hangover…it's my brain…sure of it.
Thursday 6th December.
12.05 AM. Tapping still there. Maybe someone at door? Hmm at this time? The fuck?
12.11 AM. Went to door no-one there so called out. No answer. Hmm, creepy.
12.15 AM. No more tapping, ha, ha, ha.
12. 17 AM. No tapping anymore – it's banging now. I think I have def. been drinking too much. Went to the door to scream at whoever was banging on it. Still no-one there. Swear I'm going mad. Even called out for Nora thinking she was here. Mustn't be drunk enough.
12.20 AM. Nora wouldn't haunt me would she? I mean we always joked that if one of us died we'd haunt our other half. I recall what she said: "Seriously, I'm talking about full on chain rattling Charlie!" I hadn't believed her. Oh crap. She is isn't she? Oh god what did I do to deserve this?! Nora loved me she wouldn't torment me! Oh god what if it is Nora! Oh god! I'm sorry, I'm sorry I never let you sleep on the left side of the bed! I'm sorry I wouldn't let you shave your legs in the kitchen sink! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!
12.22 AM. Decided that Nora isn't haunting me. The chains aren't rattling! It's just bloody tapping on the bloody door! Well, hope it's not her.
12.25 AM. Blasted tapping is still there though moved to window. Hmm, must set up defences and traps for intruders…yes…hmm
12.34 AM. All defences intact? Sir, yes sir! No intruders' yet though tapping has become louder. Hmm, maybe hallucinating? No. Would see Nora if was. Should lock all doors and windows…hadn't thought of that!
12.52 AM. Am going to fucking murder whatever joker thinks it's funny to keep knocking on the door then running off. Must position myself by door in case they knock again so can throw empty bottles at said intruder.
12.53 AM. Bottles still at ready!
1.01 AM. The window's moving. Gah! Purple curtains are so being closed.
1.07 AM. There's a bloody black bird sat above my door. No, really! In fact don't even think it's a black bird. It's more like Oh-look-at-me-I'm-a-Raven-and-I'm-here-to-annoy-the-hell-out-of-Charlie-for-fun-bird! Ha!
I'm feeling more than slightly hysterical. So here's the story. Tapping gets louder on the window, said window starts to shake and so, like the idiot I am, I go and open it. And in return just about get scalped by the bloody thing. Bloody bird. Keep asking why its here, as if it'll answer but it won-GAHH!
1.30 AM. Current residence: under the stairs. And why you may ask? Bloody bird went and answered me didn't it? Oh, no didn't squawk, no that would be too obvious, too common, I mean an intellectual, majestic, superior Raven oh no, no, no, squawking much too primitive, no it has to bloody well talk to me doesn't it? It's not quiet either, oh no! There's no way in hell it could even possible think about being quiet. It talks like bloody George Bush lies! It. Won't. Shut. Up!
1.55 AM. Can't sleep. Finally worked out what the Raven said and v. creeped out. Keeps saying: 'Nevermore' as if calling for some twisted macabre, horrifying master who's taught it how to talk. But seriously how can you teach a bloody Raven to talk? I mean parrot maybe, but they say cheery things like 'Hello," and 'Polly want a cracker?' and other such nonsense not 'Nevermore'…what the fuck does that even mean anyway? No, just my luck I get psycho bird that's tormenting me for drinking too much old out of date alcohol.
Yes, that's what I've decided, the old stuff in the basement…cellar whatever, has poisoned me...uh huh, yep, you see this isn't real, nope. Not-at-all. I'm lying in some ditch, stark naked on the side of the road because I drank the mirage inducing hallucinogen hiding from a bloody bird that isn't there!
2.32 AM. Good thing don't believe in animal cruelty or would have killed bloody bird, stuffed and hung it on the wall.
2.50 AM. It's not a real bird!!! It's evolved…no not even that it's an alien…No! It's a bloody demon summoned by my arch nemesis-not that I have one…wait…JAMES-to torment me forever in this personal Hellhole of a house! Must not look directly in its eyes!
2.53 AM. Am currently thinking up many cheery ways to kill said arch nemesis and his sidekick.
3.01 AM. Decided need to call priest to do: "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" That could really help right now. Knew I should have become a monk then could do it myself. It's possessed or the devil or something I'm sure of it!
3.15 AM. Keeps staring at me. I mean really staring at me, like it's waiting for me to say something. "What? Stop staring I'm not going to do a trick!" Was never any good at staring contests. And it's got beady eyes…creepy.
3.20 AM. Current residence: under bed. Again, why you may ask? Am looking for helmet and hockey stick. Why? I tried to bloody stare the bird down. Scare it you might say get it out of my house, and that just aggravated the damn thing. Pecked my head. Really hard! I mean it drew blood. I fear for my eyes… Ah! Goggles!
3.21 AM. This is some freaky hallucination. Wonder where really am? Hmm…
3.45 AM. Should call pest control. Although are Ravens classed as a pests? In my case it bloody is!
3.47 AM. Could get rid of it myself. Yes, dispose of the body sneakily…yes. Think will kill bird and use it feathers to stuff pillowcase…
3.59 AM. I wonder if it's a messenger from hell? Is it going to take me? Nora! "Is Nora in Hell? I mean if you're a messenger from Hell you should know right?"
"Nevermore!" Wonderful. Super. V.helpful.
4.20 AM. It'll leave. It will. It will. Everyone else has left so why not him…if it is a he that is…
4.22 AM. It's really testing my 'It will leave' theory…
4.25 AM. It's a she. Only women are this bloody irritating!
4.30 AM. Bloody leave! Why won't you bloody leave?
4.32 AM. Must drink more alcohol and stop swirly Raven shadows from chasing me across room.
4.33 AM. Am currently trying to throw chess pieces at Raven but it's too high. Wonder if could smoke it out of house? Hmm, would involve burning said house down so it wouldn't really help my situation at all. Will continue throwing…oh, no more chess pieces…ah scrabble! Oh shit doesn't look happy, take cover! Hit the deck!
4.45 AM. Why is a Raven like a writing desk? Wahahahaa!
4.50 AM. Oh god room spinning. World's in double vision. Crap, there's 5 Ravens! God kill me now!
5.10 AM. Can really envision my life if the bird doesn't leave…Oh hell! Need more alcohol! Just thought about what it'd be like having a Raven as a housewife…oh the horror! Frilly aprons and demented Raven/human crossbred children! The horror.
5.22 AM. Much better, more alcohol in blood stream.
5.30 AM. Need some: "The power of Christ compels you!" in here people!
5.35 AM. Alcohol has healing powers you know. Uh huh. Really does. I mean I don't even know what I'm talking about at the moment. Don't even remember why there's a bloody Raven talking to me. Ha, ha, ha! Need peashooter or something to get it out of here and what? STOP-
5.40 AM. Was preening itself. Bloody feathers everywhere! Wonderful.
5.45 AM. Suppose should get used to new housemate…don't think it's leaving. Not that I blame it this is a v.nice house. Historical features to boot! Oh god I'm turning into a history buff. Where'd I put that blasted whiskey?
6.06 AM. Really regret buying birdseed you know.
6.10 AM. Oh hell, no you don't! Get away from that!!!
6.15 AM. Swear am going to disregard feelings towards animal cruelty. The bloody bird went and took a shit on Nora's favourite statue of Athena! Gaaah! But no, it couldn't do it tidily, no, it had to circle the room, clout me about five bloody times then take aim and then PWAH! Splatter marks every-bloody-where!
6.21 AM. Am going to quietly lie down and sleep this whole hallucination off right now. Can't deal with the bloody bird any longer. Can feel my soul being tainted with its evilness! Must sleep.
12.45 PM. Nice sleep feel better. Think was v.b. dream. Woke up, house tidy, smelling of Nora, and that potpourri that makes me gag and my life continues as normal… This is what I would like to be writing right now. But no, my life is never that easy. I woke up, you see, looked over to Raven's perch a.k.a. the coat hanger on my bloody bedroom door and said Raven was absent. Hurrah you may call! But no it was not gone. Just moved. To the head of my bloody bed! Watching me as I fucking slept!
1.12 PM. Like dawn of the fucking dead right now without the blood and gore and…well mainly everything except the weapons and 'mangst'…yes that really does mean man angst. I decided to try and take my bright and shiny meat cleaver to the birds' head. It flew back to the door just managed to slice a couple of feathers. I mean I wasn't going to hurt it. I mean it's not like was going to bloody cut the thing up and serve it to James in a pie! No, thought never crossed my mind.
1.30 PM. Think def. have developed ornithophobia. Saw pigeon outside window and threw nearest object, i.e. heavy book. Pigeon flew away unscathed and managed to break a window. Yes, the window was closed. Am loosing mind. But now have giant hole in window, like big bloody sign calling every bird in city to my house. My house'll be overrun with pigeons soon…and the Raven.
2.00 PM. Fallen down the rabbit hole to a little place I like to call Hell. Can't get out, God'll fry me with a fucking lightning bolt then bring me back and do it again. The Raven's dead and you'd think I'd be happy but oh no, nothing ever goes right for me. Just dropped down dead like it had a sell-by-date tattooed on the back of its neck. Doesn't matter, still screwed beyond belief. It laid a bloody egg!
Huzzah! The end! Press that lil purple button, tell me what you think!