Winning This Game.
It's almost like something is pushing against him, suffocating him deftly he feels like he can push through it but his voice fails him "I-" He's anticipating the strangle in his tone "I don't know what to say." and for once he really doesn't, He wants to hug her and whisper it's all okay but the sheets that surround him are radiating the heat from her body and he feels sick, physically sick. So instead he swings his legs to the side of the bed and says in his taught southern accent "I'm sorry," he turns his head back in time to see her cheeks stain with pink and he feels bad.
She forgets about the reaction she had hoped for and focuses on the reality, she had wanted him to kiss her and lax his hand on her bare stomach and grin, but his face is grim and his body unwelcome, and she tries to remember the affection he had shown the night before. Or had he? Had she imagined his fingers dancing on her back? His lips touching against her hot neck? His legs teasing hers open?
Now she wants Jack, and underneath her layer of confidence she can understand his previous comment about "bouncing back." but she refuses to let the acceptance surface and neglects the guilt stirring in her stomach. "Sawyer-" unexpectedly her voice sounds fed up and she lets out the breath she's been holding in. She had expected his neglect to be worse than it is, and she wonders if she's gotten the full blow "I knew I shouldn't have told you!" The sudden change is her calmness doesn't confuse him because he knows she's right.
Before he can turn fully to see her she's already got her top on and her jeans are following his gaze falls to her flat stomach and he can't imagine it being any bigger, it's so perfect the way it is "All you wanted was a person to screw." venom enters her words and she zips her jeans, her head looks upwards at the white ceiling as if contemplating what to do, her body sways "Right?" She's angry now and he opens his mouth to speak "Right!?" she doesn't give him the satisfaction and her eyes sting with unwanted tears.
"No, that not all I want freckles!" He feels the need to protect himself from her accusation, because she's the only girl he had imagined having before he got her, and it hurts him to hear her correct him.
"Oh-- I forgot, you wanted to have this baby!"
The sarcasm in her words hurt him and he winces "Alright." his hands raise in forfeit "I just hadn't expected an off-spring just yet, I thought the P's and Q's came first." he realizes his joke fell flat as a tear falls down her cheek, and he moves forward, "I'm sorry, I was just upset when you said yer' leavin'"
"I'm sure you were." her green eyes challenge his from across the room and now he knows what he should have done at the start, but it's too late because he knows how angry she is, and as much as he wants to bound across the room and tuck her beneath his head he doesn't because his pride gets the better of him.
"I suppose Jack won't mind taking care of me." She doesn't say it because it's true instead she says it to annoy him further and a surge of satisfaction runs through her when his eyes look alarmed "Kate-"
He's using her full name because it gives more impact and she stops her eyes from challenging him and they turn to the ground "It's dangerous on this island for babies, even you know that."
She nods because she's thought about it only too much but she can't bare to kill the baby, she might as well kill herself when she does.
"Killing it will only kill me -- It might be different for me, it might live." Both of them know it's a lie "All the same I have to get rescued, that why I'm leaving."
His sudden instinct it to let her but he remembers that's she's carrying his child-his burden and he offers to go with her, her eyes sparkle in relief and he's glad he's said the right thing finally.
"We'll leave today." he's actually worried for her now and his emotions get the better of his tough charade. Calling it a burden would be an understatement he realizes as she edges towards him her fingers fiddling with her tangled hair nervously, he wants to let her hug him but his body disagrees and he sways away. The thing he gave her is going to kill her, "Kate.." he's scared to say the words that are haunting him because she's already neglected them, "I jus' don't think you should do this." he wants to bring it up now, rather than later because if she runs away now he'll have time to catch her; but her stare bores into his, fire flaring and he knows she's not going to run, because her fists clench and she's fighting the urge to leave, either that or she's fighting the urge to punch him square in the jaw.
"I can't, I wont." the urge in her voice alarms him, but the expected pain in it alarms him more, he doesn't think she understands the impact of it yet so he continues uneasily "But how can you-"
She gives a fluid motion of wrapping her arms around herself and she looks more vulnerable than he's ever seen her before "No!"
He wants to question her; but he supposes his eyes must have first because the sigh that falls from her mouth is so scared and reluctant he knows she understands what she's doing.
"Okay, okay." he sounds uneasy and immediately regrets it because its making him look bad; mean. He puts an emphatic apology against his rough voice "alright freckles you win, go pack."
He's not scared of returning to the island because of what Locke says will happen, if anything he believes Locke has never lied more, he scared of letting Jack win Kate; and he's never known anything before with such assurity, that's why when Kate gives him her last smile before they come through the trees to the beach he smiles back as wide as he can, it's probably the last proper smile they'll share again.
The only thing worse than losing her, is watching himself lose her to the good guy. The guy who has everyone already, who doesn't need the girl that is standing in front of him now, playing with her long wild hair consciously, he doesn't need the girl who Sawyer needs so badly. So he puts on the brave act he's been holding onto for so long and grins boldly at the good guy who appeared from nowhere, Juliet at his side "Thought is was time we visited the reunion doc."
She can't read his expression anymore. His eyes aren't as warm as they used to be, they haven't been long apart but even only after 3 days they've become so distant. She's not jealous as Juliet swings her arm around Jack's waist and Jack gives her a weak smile, She's jealous because Jack doesn't look at her the way he used to.
"Hey." His voice is still the same however and that makes her smile "Hi." It's weird saying hello like this, like they don't even know each other. Juliet's hand brushes against Jack's shoulder "Nice to have you back."
Kate's reluctant to let Juliet examine her, she's more angry then scared so she finds herself holding Sawyer's outstretched hand for reassurance, and she sees Jack's eyes close on their tangled fingers, a pang of guilt rushes through her. It's childish playing a game such as this one Who has the better partner? She wants to stop but Juliet's satisfied eyes urges her further on "I have some news."
She finds all eyes turning to her and she feels Sawyer's hand squeeze hers gently it doesn't really fit properly, "I'm pregnant." She tries her hardest not to let the hint of regret hit her words. She doesn't know whether to be proud or disappointed, scared she'll look like a bad mother, a mother who doesn't deserve her baby, and she's scared the truth will surface on her words.
Jack's expression becomes more readable and she can immediately see the care in his features as he brushes off Juliet's hand and steps towards her. She wants to untangle Sawyer's fingers but right now she's winning this game.
I see her in the distance and I'm walking hurriedly towards her before I can stop, and I hear the familiar set of footsteps behind me I scowl internally and keep walking without turning back to see her pale skin her blue eyes. I scold myself for being so harsh, "He knows how I feel about you Jack." I couldn't turn her down after that.
I'm finally in contact and I stop myself from looking excited because he's behind her and they're close, so close. Just like me and Juliet are as her arm reaches my waist. I hear the comment from Sawyer but I don't engage. Instead I let my eyes fall to her face, it's grimmer than I had expected so I keep mine the same "Hey." I see her smile genuinely and the small squeak "Hi."
Juliet's hand is on my shoulder and I fight the urge to push her away, if she was Kate I'd have been the one with my hand around her waist and on her shoulder. "Nice to have you back." It annoys me the way Juliet is speaking, she doesn't belong to this conversation, this is between me and Kate.
Their fingers are intertwined I notice and I feel a stab hit me, I'm really uncomfortable now and I feel guilty for being so mean to Juliet, after all she does make situations like this easier.
"I have some news."
"I'm pregnant."
Now's my chance to pull away from Juliet, I take it. She's pregnant.
My first instinct is to cry because I know there's an absurdity she'll die but my second is to fight because Sawyer gave her it. He felt her small muscular body against his, he touched her rigid back, and he watched as her combats hit the ground reviling her rippled legs, I've never seen her legs before but I can imagine what they look like, pale and dainty yet I can see the strength they hold. They must hold as much strength as her eyes do right now, more even because they carry her as she runs.
Not only did Sawyer see Kate like that, feel her like that, he's going to kill her because of that.
"Kate." There's an automatic pressure against my words and my hands fight to touch her stomach but I keep them at my sides knowing how inappropriate it would be right now.
Her expression doesn't change but I see her cling to Sawyer more as her teeth grip her lip, gnawing a trickle of blood. She licks it away I can't help but let my eyes linger on her tongue "This is dangerous." I say with such unexpected authority I feel her reel back.
"You think I don't know?" She asks, and I critise myself for making me look more superior than her.
"Jack?" It's like a hiss "What do you want me to do?" Her eyes are fighting back the tears I hear shake in her voice.
Of course I've imagined me and her, but real love shouldn't be as hard as this. It shouldn't be as hard to get her as it is, and I can't help but wonder if her making me chase her was her plan all along.
Right now I know she's honest. I know she's not deceiving me; or herself for that matter and as she ducks her head beneath Sawyer's I think its too late so I feel myself reaching for Juliet's hand as I say "You're right, Kate. Of course you're right. This is your baby and you can do whatever you want with it."
Her expression changes and I think I've said the wrong thing. Her tone stays indifferent, it's still as cold as it was before "I don't know what I want."
So I smile at her. Then I smile at Sawyer as he wraps his arms around her. I drop Juliet's hand.
My heart is literally breaking in two as I see Sawyer's gaze fall to Kate's stomach.
The smile plastered across my face is the hardest emotion I've ever had to support. The tears that surface in my eyes are tears of regret. She's won this game.
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