So, I am currently in the middle of writing a very long and plotty BatmanNolanVerse/Joker/Rachel fic but after watching season 7 of Buffy again I got a little bit of inspiration to right this little fic.
Its not fantastic and amazing
but its a good try and I hope people like it enough to review because reviews are like rays of light on a cloudy day any writer can tell you that xD
Its set post-chosen. Buffy is dealing with the aftermath of the events in Chosen, trying to adapt to the new life as one of many slayers. trying to deal with the loss of her home , all her memories and loved ones.
Including her relationship with Spike, She is haunted by surreal dreams of him, as she is desperate not to forget any detail of him, desperate to keep 'alive' so to speak. (I am not sure if Spike has come back in the Angel world... perhaps.. if he has Buffy doesn't know it)this fic is about her dreams as well as her guilt and her thoughts on what actually defined their 'relationship' what there love was in the grand scheme of things.
Disclaimer : I do not own it.... Joss Whedan created this wonderful world, it all belongs to him.
DESTINY
She stood and the waves crashed against the shore. The cold wind whispering all around her. Brushing against her cheek, her long blonde hair wild, blowing in the wind.
Her feet were bare in the sand, she was slowly sinking but she didn't care, it seemed she was always sinking. It didn't matter how many times she would rise above, crawl or claw her way out from the depths of darkness, the underground, the below, she still always managed to sink.
Dawn was coming; she could feel it like always, counting down the moments, imaginary clocks in her mind, always ticking. Soon, she would see the first rays of light rise from the horizon. Undeniable beauty and peace and yet somehow she felt sad.
The world was still dark, and the cold sea breeze mixed with the morning chill sent goose bumps over her arms. She could feel it, biting like blades dancing across her skin. How many times had she stood like this, on the edge, where the land met the sea? How many secret moments in her head had she waited.... for nothing at all.
Buffy was not miserable, - her mind had gathered a certain morbid and somewhat melancholy thought process, true- but she wasn't miserable, not anymore. In fact she was happier than she had been in a long time. Without the weight of the world on her shoulders, she felt like she could breathe easier.
Now she was not the only one, slayers were everywhere literally, Buffy had never realised just how many there would be.
Her life was simpler now, of course she'd never be normal she may not be the slayer but she would always be a slayer and that was enough to prove that Buffy Summer's life would never be normal.
She had her friends, her beloved devoted friends who'd been there from the very beginning, her new found friends from around the world and Dawn of course. She had so much, so much more than she may have deserved.
But that didn't mean, that in those moments, that occurred quite often she released the hidden tears that she still cried.
Her act done, her facade finished, her walls crumbling, she could cry, only when she was alone, only when she was locked inside the deepest recesses of her mind, locked inside her dreams.
Only then would she allow herself this...
Her hidden grief, if she could describe how it felt, it would be something along the lines of being bitten by a vampire, painful, as if something had ripped her open, a force sucking the life out of her. It was harsh, but it was truth.
She was still mourning, and she supposed though it was getting better with each day a part of her would always be mourning.
Not mourning one thing in particular, she was mourning a whole life.... a life destroyed with nothing left but a crater in the ground; much like her heart had been in the first few months after Sunnydale had disappeared, an empty hole... all life missing.
She had talked a little to Willow and Xander about it, they'd understand a bit seeing as they grew up in Sunnydale, lived their whole lives there, filled with so many memories, they'd understand. But it seemed even they had limits on understanding why Buffy just couldn't seem to let so many things go.
The Bronze, where her and her friends had spent so much time, The graveyards as disturbing as it sounded, the mansion- a place filled with so many happy and beautiful memories of Angel and also the most painful memories, the moment she rammed that sword into him and sent him to hell-, Her home, memories she had of so many people, of those who'd left them, Tara and her mother..., Tara and Her mother's graves... her own grave. So much, too much...They were all gone, just echoes in their minds.... it hurt to breathe when she thought about it all.
That day, she still thought about often, she supposed that they all did, she disliked talking about it, it was too hard. Everyone lost so much that day. Buffy could still see the blood stained faces of all those young girls, their bodies broken; it still made her ache inside.
And Anya, as much as she'd annoyed Buffy she still considered Anya a friend and she had felt grief over her death.
Most particular, what had saved them all, what had also caused Sunnydale to become nothing more than a crater of horror and memories, what had caused much of the large hole in her chest, was the one thing that seemed the hardest to talk about.
Because it hurt, and she'd rather keep what nobody else had ever understood inside, secret...treasured, loved.
Pride......... nobody would ever understand the pride she felt, because none of them really knew him. In fact, if she was honest she never really knew him either...not even he knew him half the time.
But in the middle of the chaos that was that day, as she stood by him, she saw the brightness of his soul, it was blinding. That was who she'd remember, the man who's soul shone. As her hand clung to his and she told him those words that he had longed to hear for so long, the words that she denied him so many times, she felt proud.... proud of him, of what he had done, of who he had become, she did not feel disgust, even at his horrifying past actions, not at all the disgusting things he'd done, because all those moments had lead him to where he was, standing in the hellmouth, sacrificing himself for the world, for her...... and laughing in the face of death, and laughing in the face of the evil he had beaten.
She couldn't help but wonder that perhaps all of what had happened; perhaps even from the moment they had met
What happens on Saturday?
I kill you..
Was meant to happen, was already planned... was destined.
That was who she'd remember.......
She didn't think she had loved him, it was something that she had pondered many times... but always refused.
She did not love him.... because she couldn't.... because it was Spike.
But once again, there in the hell mouth, the world falling around them, in that moment, she loved him.
It wasn't the kind of love that she had felt before, it wasn't the passionate and blinding love that she had felt for Angel, and always would. That earth shattering, soul consuming, forever love. It wasn't the innocent, almost pitying, safe love she had with Riley.
It was something more
There were no words, no love and passion filled words, it was just something more.
A fix point, a period in the vast abyss of time that spanned eternity, such a small amount of time, but it was significant, because it caused a chain reaction of events... leading to one moment.
I want to see how it ends...
His death..... Her life.
Destiny.......
That was why she refused to talk about it, because it wasn't simple or easy or something that her friends would understand, because to her friends, Spike was what he would always be, a sadistic (if somewhat sensitive) evil vampire, with an obsession that caused him to get his soul, filling him with guilt making him want to do the right thing.
That would be how they would see him, she'd let them.
Buffy breathed in, and she could almost taste the salt of the ocean on her tongue, she could feel it burn in her nostrils.
Everything was so very real, vivid with extreme clarity that almost frightened her, like having brand knew eyes.
The darkness was changing, getting a little lighter but the sun was still not here, there was still time...., she could see the dark and peaceful waves of the ocean.
She felt a presence next to her, and felt her whole body relax, finally...
Buffy didn't need to look next to her to know who it was, she felt it inside, always aware of whenever he was near in life.
In this ... existence she didn't need to have a weird instinct to know it was him, she knew it because it was always him.
There was no one else.
Not here.
He was standing close enough to her that she could smell him; he still smelt the same as she had remembered him, she was glad, she didn't want to forget any detail of him.
Her hand seemed to have a life of its own for it had slowly moved closer to his, just to feel....
She felt her fingers brush against his.
Her fingers moved against his, until her hand was firmly interlaced with his. His skin was cold, like she knew it would be.
Most people liked the warmth of someone else's body, but something that Buffy had found was that she always loved the cold feeling of Vampire's skin, she'd come to realise this with both Angel and Spike. Riley was always too hot.
Buffy's hand was interlaced with his, and she felt her heart ache again, she couldn't remember a time when she had actually held Spike's hand. But here she stood now, in this beautiful place, with him by her side.
"I miss you" She said, her voice was clear and it almost sounded fare away and dream like.
"I know" he answered, his voice, just as she remembered it, once again she was glad. She definitely didn't want to forget the tone of his voice.
There was more silence in the vast openness of the beach. Where she knew it was just him and her standing on the edge, if she wanted she could have stayed there forever, but it always ended....because it had to.
"The sun will come up soon.... it always does, you know what it means love"
Buffy finally looked up at him, his face looked even more pale that she had remembered, his face somehow looked younger and weaker than she remembered, but still beautiful and forever youthful.
He was looking at the horizon, his eyes waiting for the inevitable.
"You have to leave....." she whispered.
He nodded, but he didn't look at her, his eyes continuing to look out at the eternal ocean. Taking in every cloud and ripple in the water.
"Please....don't" her voice broke and his flinch did not go unnoticed.
Then he did look at her, his pale features with a haunting blankness to them turned towards her, blue eyes staring into hers.
"Its too late for that..... You know it too, you saw it happen" he said looking into her, crawling his way under her skin like he always did.
Buffy swallowed, trying to keep the sob from rising.
"I know... "She opened her mouth to say more but couldn't find enough strength to say them.
"Guess there are worse ways for a fella to go...." he shrugged.
Buffy blinked back tears and nodded,
"Everything is so different now...."
She watched as Spike's lips turned into a smirk, and for a second she felt okay, because it was familiar, it was normal, it wasn't new.
"Things change pet, you know that better than anyone".
He spoke the truth, things did change, it didn't matter how much you wished that things would just stop, she couldn't count how many times she had wished that time would stop.
Sixteen years old, madly in love with a gorgeous and immortal being, she had started to think about time.... and change. At that point in her life, with her naive way of thinking she would have given anything to have stopped time to be with Angel.
Things always change.....
"I know, but I wish it wouldn't" she whispered. "It hurts"
"Not always, things change for the better too, your life is better now isn't it, you have all those... little girly miniature slayers now don't you, don't have to be the one and only anymore,".
Buffy continued to stare into his eyes and gripped his hand tighter in her own, hard enough to hurt someone, he didn't even flinch.
"Yes... but not without a cost" her eyes filled with tears again "You're not here" her voice was shaky and it somewhat annoyed Buffy that she couldn't keep her voice from trembling.
It shocked her to see Spike smile, not a smirk but a smile...
"It's because of you Buffy that I'll always be here..."
Buffy frowned "What do you mean?"
He stepped towards her and she felt her heart break a little again, because she knew just like he did as he stood there smiling knowingly, knew the truth of the situation... that he was just an echo.
"I'm still alive..... " He lifted his fingers and gently rested them on her temples"
"In here."
She took his hands in her own, guiding them to her chest, resting them over her heart.
"In here" she whispered.
He turned back towards the ocean, his eyes looking at the rising sun, it wasn't visible but the sky was beginning to lighten.
"New beginnings right?".
Buffy looked towards the horizon, readying herself for the coming sunrise.
"Yeah..." she took his hand in hers again.
They stood in comfortable silence for awhile, staring out at the open sea and the wide sky on the abandoned beach. Buffy found herself taking peeks at the corner of her eye of the man next to her.
The man who died for her, everything about the situation was unbelievable, surreal.... it was like she had stepped into a dream world.
"I'm dreaming"
Spike chuckled "You're just figuring that out now?"
"Dreams always end....... " Buffy looked up at him, taking in everything about him, she wanted to memorize everything, so she didn't forget.
"That they do....."
He was looking at her again and it was then that Buffy could no longer stop the tears from running down her cheeks.
"The sun always comes up..." she managed to choke out despite the way her throat was closing in on her.
Spike nodded and turned away from her. Buffy gasped looking towards the sky, she saw the first little dot of sun rising and felt herself panic.
"No, not yet"
She was desperate to be closer to him, just for a little bit longer, just to pretend.
She threw herself into his arms and was once again saddened by the fact that she couldn't remember ever really hugging Spike either.
A keening sound was heard and it took her a few seconds to realise it was her crying, piercing noises that she couldn't control.
Spike pulled her away, cupping her cheeks in his hand "The sun always comes up Buffy....but it always goes down".
She nodded before burying her face in the crook of his neck again, taking in everything she could. What she remembered of his smell, what she remembered of his body, the feeling of his leather jacket under her hands, the feeling of his body against hers.... everything
"Oh god.... the sun is coming up" she whispered more to herself than to spike.
The sun was beginning to send beautiful reflections of light across the ocean. Buffy could not admire its beauty, it was taking him away, now she longed for darkness... longed for the shadows.
Spike pulled away and gripped her shoulders
"You have to let go" he said shaking her slightly.
She shook her head her voice broken "But I'm not ready for you to not be here!.... I'll never be ready..." she felt her chest tighten and it was as if every muscle in her body was trembling.
He was going to disappear and she'd never see him in this clarity again, when the sun did go down again like he said, she'd wait in her dreams for him and he'd look that little less clearer to her.
She'd forget the details in time, the little things...
The smell...
The face....
The eyes....
She'd forget....... it was so much worse than living with the pain of memory. Forgetting was worse.
"Please not yet... " she was gripping the collar of his coat in her hands, her fists were white as she looked up at him, her eyes wide and glassy with tears.
"You know you have to wake up-"
He pulled her closer, his lips tracing the shell of her ear, "Gotta' move lamb" he whispered.
Buffy's eyes traced over his face, and felt a smile pulling at the corners of her lips.
"I love you..." she said her voice was full of emotion.
He smiled, it was the same smile he had smiled in the hell mouth as she said the words the first time, the same words she'd said to him every night since.
His answer was always the same...
"No you don't.... but thanks for sayin' it".
Her heart ached every single time, but she still said it at each sunrise in her dreams.
She said it and meant it each time.... his answer never changed.
He never kissed her in the dreams, despite how much she longed to kiss him, to press her lips to his just to feel it one last time.
He always pulled away first.
Taking a step back he always said the final words...
"Now go......" he turned towards the sun as it rose into the sky, the darkened beach bright with morning light.
Buffy watched on, always catching the last few glimpses of him bursting into flames
"I want to see how it ends..."
Her eyes snapped open, her chest ached and it felt as though if her heart pumped any harder it would break through her rib cage.
She wiped the fallen tears from her eyes, she knew he was right in saying it was time for her to let go.
But it was incredibly hard when he refused to leave her alone, always following her... even in her dreams.
In some ways she wished it would just stop but then again in many other ways it was a way to hold onto him, if she let go... then it would mean she would start forgetting.
Buffy didn't want to forget.... so she would continue to live with the dreams.
When the sun went down, when she was asleep it was the only time she would ever see him again, as much as she wished she could see him, touch him and hold him, she knew it was impossible, she would take what she could get.
She'd keep it a secret, not let anyone know just how much Spike was still with her.
Exactly how much Spike had affected her, no she'd keep that inside, secret... treasured, loved.
She wouldn't know what to tell them anyway... after all
There were no words, no love and passion filled words to describe Buffy and Spike, it was just something more.
Something more than love...
Something more important
Something that could not be explained or described
something that Buffy herself had never really understood
She simply supposed that it was meant to end up this way, because it all fit....
It was a fix point, a period in the vast abyss of time that spanned eternity, such a small amount of time, but it was significant, because it caused a chain reaction of events... leading to one moment.
I want to see how it ends...
His death..... Her life.
Destiny.......