Title: Consequences
of Our Actions
Author: Kate
Pairing: CJ/Toby
Spoilers: Full Disclosure, Slow News Day, ITSOTG -2 and Let Bartlet be Bartlet
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: Not mine so please don't sue
Feedback: Is always welcomed at katepaul01@optusnet.com.au
Democratic Party Fundraiser - California 1994
CJ Cregg's eyes scanned the room for the hundredth time. She knew he'd be here, he rung two days ago to say he'd be here. Just as she was about to give up hope and resign herself to the fact that something had come up, there he was.
The man looked great in a tux, mind you, she smiled to herself, he looked even greater out of a tux. She sub consciously moved towards him, her smile lighting up her face.
Toby Zeigler instinctively turned as she moved towards him. Her beauty always took his breath away. They didn't see each other more than a handful of times each year and while they were apart his memory of her beauty dimmed just enough for it to surprise him all over again the next time he saw her.
"Toby! I was beginning to think you weren't going to make it." They lightly kissed, as good friends do, when in the company of others and wanting to maintain an air of professionalism. CJ knew there would be better to come later that night and it only helped to increase the anticipation.
"CJ, you look very nice," Toby said clearly distracted by something over her shoulder.
CJ laughed lightly, "you know that would carry a lot more sincerity if I thought you had actually looked at what I was wearing." She knew Toby wouldn't know the difference between a cocktail gown and a burlap sack, yet surprisingly she didn't care. There was so much more to Toby than any man she had ever known. It was one of the reasons she loved him.
They had been in this bizarre relationship of theirs for over two years now. At first neither had wanted a commitment or even what CJ would have considered a relationship, they were great friends who had even greater sex but somewhere along the way her feelings had changed and she was pretty sure Toby's had too.
It was one of the things she wanted to talk to him about while he was in California. She wasn't sure what she wanted – it certainly wasn't living together – she'd been there and done that and it had turned into a disastrous mistake, admittedly she and Ben had both been young and stupid but it wasn't an experience she was ready to try again, even ten years later.
Yet she knew she loved Toby and if anyone could convince her to try again it would be him. She wasn't exactly sure how she was going to tell him but she knew she owed it to both of them to be honest. Just sleeping together whenever they happened to be in the same city was no longer enough for her, she wanted more. She needed more.
Whatever had been distracting Toby had obviously disappeared because he was guiding her to the terrace where it was slightly quieter and definitely darker.
"Before I forget, I've moved since last time you were here – I'll have to give you directions to my new place." She tingled at the feel of his hand at the small of her back, her anticipation of the evening ahead grew.
"CJ, I need to talk to you." CJ smiled at how nervous he sounded. Maybe they really were on the same page? Maybe he had been having the same thoughts as her? "I won't be able to come home with you tonight." Toby announced as though relieved to get the sentence out.
"Oh…..okay…..well if you need to get back to Washington…." She could barely mask the disappointment in her voice.
"No. No it's not that. It's…….well it's…….I've met someone" Toby rubbed the top of his balding head and looked towards his shoes as he spoke, a gesture CJ knew was borne of nervousness. "I…..we're…… we're getting married…..so you see I can't……not anymore."
Toby looked up just in time to see the hurt and pain flicker across CJ's face. Gone before it had a chance to settle, only to be replaced by what he knew to be her 'game' smile.
"Well that's great Toby" she forced out. "I guess I should be saying congratulations and, I don't know, toasting you or something." She quickly caught the attention of a passing waiter and grabbed two glasses of champagne off the tray. Handing one to Toby, she raised hers and said, "to you and……"
"Andi," he replied quietly.
"Well, to you and Andi, I hope you are very happy." She downed the champagne in one gulp and signalled for the waiter to return.
Toby watched his friend, he knew she would be hurt and he hated to be the one doing the hurting but their relationship was no longer enough for him – he needed more and CJ had made it perfectly clear from the beginning that she did not do commitment. Andi wanted to get married, she wanted a family, all the things Toby wanted. The troubling thought after seeing CJ though, was he knew he wanted them with her.
CJ knew that alcohol was not the answer – in fact she knew from bitter experience that drinking when her heart was breaking was probably the worst thing she could do, yet she couldn't seem to help herself. She knew if she drank enough the pain would at least recede until she had time to figure out a way to deal with it.
Before either of them had a chance to talk further a tall, dark haired man approached them. As CJ looked at him she thought he was familiar but knew she had never met him before. Her heart may belong to Toby Zeigler but she was still a woman who recognised an attractive man when she saw one.
"Toby I've been wondering all night who this lovely lady is – I was about to come up and introduce myself, but as you obviously know her would you mind doing the honours?" He had a deep voice, with a slight southern accent CJ noted. She also noted that while he was addressing Toby he hadn't taken his eyes off her.
Toby didn't like the way the senator was looking at CJ and felt a stab of jealousy. "Certainly. Senator John Hoynes, CJ Cregg."
CJ held out a hand to shake the senators, a hand he promptly took in his own and raised to his lips. "The pleasure is all mine – I have to admit I have been admiring you all evening and looking for an opportunity to meet you Ms Cregg."
CJ had had just enough champagne to smile flirtatiously. "Senator Hoynes from Texas?" She asked coyly, now knowing exactly who he was.
"Guilty as charged I'm afraid," he said as he flashed his most dazzling smile. "And I believe you are the woman behind the recent success of EMILYs list – a very worthy cause – I don't think we do nearly enough to get women into government, after all women make up more than 50% of the vote and yet are barely represented. I would love to talk to you about other ways we can work together to get more women into positions of power."
Neither had noticed that Toby had edged away from them. He didn't like the senator but he had no right to interfere, CJ was a grown woman and capable of making her own decisions. Weighed down with love for a woman who would never be his, he moved towards the bar.
"Wel,l that would be wonderful." She allowed the handsome senator to guide her to a table in a darkened corner of the terrace where she knew they would not be discussing anything work related but he would flirt outrageously and she might even flirt back just to try and mend her bruised ego.
It took John Hoynes less than five minutes and another glass of champagne to be lightly caressing her hand. CJ knew she should put a stop to it; after all it was widely known that the senator was a married man but it felt so good to her damaged heart to have a man obviously wanting her. A little flirting was harmless enough.
An hour, and several more glasses of champagne, later John Hoynes was leaning forward whispering in her ear that he had a room in the hotel and would she like to come up and have a night cap with him.
Part of CJ knew she should say no but she was feeling very emotional and vulnerable tonight. The man she loved had just told her he was marrying someone else, had basically told her she was good enough to sleep with but wasn't what he wanted in a wife. "A night cap sounds great," she whispered back.
John helped to steady her on her feet and lead her through the party and into the hotel lobby. They waited for the elevator and CJ began to have second thoughts, she was just about to tell John she had changed her mind when the elevator arrived and he quickly ushered her inside.
As she turned, just before the doors closed, CJ looked out into the lobby and saw Toby staring at her. She had never seen him looking so sad and disappointed, yet he made no move to stop what he knew was going to happen.
John also saw Toby in the lobby and flashed one of his brilliant smiles before the doors closed and left them alone in the elevator. CJ knew this was a mistake, she knew she couldn't go through with it. John Hoynes was married for a start and she knew that meaningless sex with a virtual stranger was not going to make her feel any better in the morning. She opened her mouth to let John know she had changed her mind but before she could utter a word his mouth crashed against hers and he pushed her against the wall of the elevator.
His tongue plundered hers and she felt the beginnings of his arousal against her thigh. She was resistant at first, not wanting to encourage him, but the feel of his hard male form pressing against her was something she had missed since the last time she had seen Toby and she was already aroused from the anticipation of spending the evening making love with Toby.
They came apart briefly as the elevator doors opened and they quickly moved to John's suite where he had her pressed against the closed door the minute they were inside.
His hands were eagerly tracing the outline of her body, while lifting the hem of her dress.
"John!" CJ gasped as he slid her panties down her legs. "We shouldn't do this…...." He slowly slid a finger between her thighs and she moaned against his shoulder.
John smiled at how wet and ready for him she was "and yet something tells me otherwise." He lifted her and carried her to the bedroom. As John carried her to the bedroom she pushed his jacket to the floor and pressed her mouth to his. CJ's last coherent thought was that maybe this was all she would ever get – she didn't get to have 'happily ever after'.
Part 2/6
Four weeks after the Fundraiser 1994 - Flight between California and Washington
CJ sat wringing her hands. She didn't know what she wanted more, for the whole ordeal to just be over so she could move on with her life, or for the plane to circle around with time standing still, so she didn't have to face the reality of her life at the moment.
Not for the first time, she thought back to that one night four weeks ago. She hadn't planned to sleep with anyone other than Toby – she had been completely unprepared for a one night stand. Not that birth control had really crossed her mind. Right up to the point where John carried her to his room she had been planning to call a halt to their actions but once he had her pinned to his bed all coherent thought had left her. She was 33 for Gods sake, well and truly old enough to know better, particularly in this day and age. She had had unprotected sex with John Hoynes and now she was pregnant. Pregnant and no idea what to do.
She had replayed that night over and over in her head. She had never, ever been that careless, even when she had a lot to drink. But he had been so …..so….. she searched for the right word. It was almost like he knew she was going to call a halt to it and didn't want to give her the chance.
If only Toby hadn't told her he was getting married maybe it would have been his baby she was now carrying and she would be on her way to Washington to tell him – her instincts knew if that had been the case she wouldn't be facing the toughest decision of her life.
CJ mentally shook herself. There was no point in playing the 'what if' game. She was pregnant and she was on her way to tell the father. She had no idea what reaction to expect from him, after all, he was basically a stranger.
Office of Senator John Hoynes 1994
"The senator can see you now," the very efficient assistant informed CJ as she sat waiting in the outer office, hoping her nervousness wasn't showing.
CJ walked into the spacious office and was greeted by the polished and sophisticated man she remembered. Looking at him like this, she understood why she had fallen for his charm so easily that night. He was exactly the sort of man she was attracted to when she was emotionally vulnerable, good looking and yet had a certain distance – someone who would provide no emotional ties and no commitment. Well, it backfired on her this time.
"CJ. What an unexpected surprise." He spoke the words but she could tell from his tone he was surprised to be seeing her again. "Please sit down."
"No. This won't take long. I ……well I just thought…….what I'm trying to say is I'm pregnant." She had finally got it out, it was almost a relief to share it with someone.
"Well – I guess I should be congratulating you. I didn't realise you were seeing someone….." he left the end of the sentence unfinished. It took CJ several seconds to grasp his meaning.
"I'm not – it's yours."
John laughed. "Come now CJ, you can't possibly be sure of that…..I mean you do have a certain reputation….one you certainly lived up to that night but as for me being the father….well, I find that hard to believe"
CJ stood there dumbfounded. She'd had no idea what to expect from him but this reaction would never have even made the list. She wasn't sure what was more upsetting, that he could deny outright any responsibility or the fact that he had basically just called her a slut.
"I most certainly can be sure, and mistakenly, I thought you had a right to know and be a part of any decision that was made – obviously I was wrong." Her voice was cold as she turned to leave, relieved she hadn't taken off her coat.
Just as she got to the door John spoke again, this time without the confidence and arrogance he had displayed earlier, "this type of scandal would mean political death to me." He almost had a pleading tone to his voice – almost.
CJ could tell from his voice that he knew the child was his but for political reasons would never admit to it. "Don't worry about it Senator – it's not your problem to deal with." CJ left the office with as much dignity as she could, hoping she never had to set eyes on Senator John Hoynes again.
CJ spent the next two days in her Washington hotel room. For two days she barely ate or slept, going over every possible scenario and she kept coming back to the same conclusion – she didn't want this baby. She mulled over all the pro-life arguments, she knew she was at an age an in the financial position to have a baby but when all her thinking and soul searching was done it boiled down to the fact that she didn't want John Hoynes child. She didn't know if she could love a child that was genetically half his and this admission shocked her more than she thought possible.
On the third day she made two phone calls. One to a DC clinic for women and the other to Toby.
Toby came over as soon as he heard her voice. He knew CJ well enough to know when she was on the edge and he was shocked when she let him in the room. She looked pale and withdrawn and paced the small room as she spoke to him, al the while rubbing the same spot on her neck over and over.
"I am only going to say this once and then we are never going to speak about it again okay?" She waited for his agreement. At the slight nod of his head she continued.
"You know what happened the night of the fundraiser," she couldn't make eye contact with him as she spoke of that night, she couldn't bear to see the disappointment in his eyes again, "well, it turns out I'm pregnant," CJ rushed on before Toby had a chance to react. "I've decided not to keep the baby – this isn't a decision I've come to lightly, but it's the decision I've made so please don't try and talk me out of it." This time she did look him in the eyes and she saw the sadness there.
Toby reached out to grab hold of her hand and pulled her to a sitting position on the couch next to him. "CJ, I would never judge you – I know you well enough to know you have put a lot of thought into this – in fact, if I know you, you have probably over-thought it to the point where you haven't slept since you found out." He smiled encouragingly at her.
He was rewarded with a smile in return. "Toby, I have the biggest favour to ask you, and I want you to know that it's okay to say no, but I really want you to come with me when I have it done. I know this may seem silly but I don't want to be alone when it happens and you are my best friend……" She didn't finish the sentence, instead waited to see his reaction to her request.
Toby squeezed her hand in reassurance and promised he would pick her up the next morning and stay with her as long as she wanted.
"That's just it – after it's done, I don't think I can see you again. You are going to be a living, breathing reminder of the worst period of my life and I think it would be the best thing for me, and for your marriage, if we went our separate ways – for good."
Toby sat there trying to absorb what CJ had just said. The thought of never seeing her again upset him more than he thought possible but in his heart he knew she was right about one thing – if his marriage stood any kind of chance he needed to put CJ Cregg at a distance. Once again he nodded and pulled her into a tight embrace, tomorrow would come soon enough but for now he just wanted to hold her and commit this last moment to memory.
Part 3/6
CJ's House - California 1997
Seeing Toby again after all these years had certainly shocked CJ. Just the sound of his voice had caused her to fall fully clothed into her swimming pool – well, that and the fact that she wasn't wearing her glasses. Not that Toby had been surprised – he'd sat there with an amused expression on his face – amazed that she had become more beautiful in the last three years as well as more clumsy.
Then he had dropped his bombshell – they wanted her for Bartlet's campaign. She had been unwillingly following the career of John Hoynes for the last three years and knew he was supposed to be a shoe in for the democratic nomination. She had asked Toby if Bartlet was a good man. Toby knew what she was really asking – would he make a better president than John Hoynes. The minute Toby nodded his head she knew she would be heading to New Hampshire in the next few days.
Fifteen minutes later Toby was stretched out on her bed while she was in the bathroom drying herself and trying to make herself look presentable while they discussed Jed Bartlet and his campaign.
"So how is Andi?" CJ asked as she poked her head around the bathroom door. At Toby's silence she walked out of the bathroom and sat next to him on the bed. "Toby?"
"We're having problems," he told her reluctantly, while rubbing his hand across his head.
"You want to talk about it?"
"No." he answered quickly. He then looked at her and saw the concern in her eyes. "It's just….we're …. Well we're trying to have a baby and things are….well we're having problems and that's leading to even more problems…" he really didn't want to elaborate because he wasn't sure how sensitive a subject babies were for CJ.
Sensing Toby's discomfort with the topic CJ wanted to put him at ease. "It's okay Toby, I can say the word baby without falling to pieces – mind you, it took a while and to be honest seeing you again today has bought up a lot of memories."
Toby reached out and took her hand in his. "Do you ever regret it?….I mean do you wish things had been different?"
CJ debated with herself whether to tell Toby the truth or just gloss over the question, but she was enjoying sitting here with him talking. It was intimate and it reminded her of the way it used to be between them.
"Yeah. I try not to dwell on it and I know I made the right decision in the circumstances but sometimes…..late at night….well I can't help thinking that I would have a three year old now, then I try and imagine what that would be like and I just can't. I mean I never really thought about having them – it's not like it was something I ever felt I had to do but yeah, sometimes……" She turned to look at him and noticed that it was the same look he used to have when they were together.
CJ knew she had to get off the bed before they slipped into old habits and intimacies. She had slept with one married man and she vowed it would never happen again.
CJ got off the bed and stopped at the sound of Toby's whispered voice. "I can imagine it – you would have been a great mom."
Unsure of how to respond to Toby's words, CJ decided the best tactic was to change topics. "So where are you taking me for lunch so we can discuss my new job?"
Part 4 /6
Democratic National Convention - 1998
The euphoria of winning the Democratic nomination was now passing as they discussed the position of Vice President. CJ felt physically sick when John Hoynes name came up in the first minutes of the discussion – in the ensuing three hours the nausea had diminished and been replaced by internal conflict. Personally, the thought of having to work that closely with a man she despised as much as she did John Hoynes horrified her. However, professionally she knew he was the right man for the job.
Since she had last seen him CJ had thrown herself into her career doing everything she could to shed the reputation she had been unaware of until John had thrown it in her face that day in Washington. Her career was the most important thing in her life and she wanted to get Jed Bartlet into the White House – she truly believed they could effect great changes and if the best way to get him there was with John Hoynes as Vice President then her decision was made.
The Governor had just finished asking if they all agreed John Hoynes was the man to be Vice President and they had all agreed. Toby looked at her as she gave her answer but she couldn't make eye contact with him – instead choosing to concentrate on the Governor.
As they all left the suite a few minutes later she passed John. The urge to slap his face was strong but she knew this was just the first of many times their paths were going to cross in the next few years and she was going to have to learn to deal with her emotions.
CJ excused herself from the others, walked outside and sat on one of the lounges by the pool. Grateful for the dark, she felt a tear slip from her eye. She was feeling very emotional as she lay back on the lounge and looked at the stars. She had managed to avoid seeing him in person up to this point but passing him on the way out of the Governors suite had stirred up emotions she had kept hidden, even from herself, for the last four years.
She had no idea how long she had been sitting there but the sound of someone making themselves comfortable on the lounge next to her bought her out of her reverie.
"CJ?" The voice was more compassionate than she remembered. She looked at him, startled that he was there.
"Senator Hoynes I really am not in the mood for company tonight – especially yours!"
"CJ," he said quietly, "I have wanted to apologise to you for the last four years – the way I treated you that day – well, there was no excuse for it and I am deeply sorry." CJ could tell there was truth behind the words but it didn't ease her pain.
"I don't even think about that day anymore – you shouldn't either," she said with far more bravado than she actually felt.
"It must be hard for you." She looked at him questioningly, not quite sure what he was talking about.
"Campaigning all over the country with a small child – I admire you." He was making an attempt at mending some bridges with her. She wanted to feel angry at the mere mention of the child that could have been, but instead, she just felt sad.
"There is no child," she said tonelessly.
"You had a miscarriage. I'm sor.." She turned to look at him with steely eyes before he could finish the sentence and he understood what had happened. The thought that she had an abortion cut him like a knife – not that he blamed her, the way he had so selfishly reacted. The sorrow he felt for both of them was surprising in its intensity.
"I've just been offered the Vice Presidency if he wins." John said not knowing what else to say to her but recognising the fact that she wasn't going to open up to him.
"I know – believe me I tried to come up with a legitimate reason, that wasn't personal, not have you." He smiled at her honesty. "Unfortunately I couldn't – you're the right man for the job."
John rose from the pool lounge, knowing someone would come looking for him very soon. "For what little it is probably worth CJ, I am truly sorry."
CJ sat there watching his retreating form, and for the first time in four years felt a sense of calm wash over her – she had closure on that part of her life – it was now time to move on.
Part 5 / 6
CJ's Office 2004
CJ watched as Toby left her office. He was the only one who had an inkling of how the baby story would truly affect her and he had come to apologise for it. She smiled at the thought. They had been spending so much time together lately and a lot of the old feelings were resurfacing for her – she knew she would never act on them – Toby was her best friend – the one who knew all her secrets, there was no way she was going to jeopardise that.
Just as she sat back in her chair Toby poked his head around the office door. "Did you….you know….want to talk about it….I mean we never really have….but if you do – well – I'm here."
CJ looked at him. This was not the type of thing Toby usually offered to do – discussing feelings and emotions was not natural to him but he had been there with her and it suddenly hit her that maybe he needed to talk about it.
"Toby?" She questioned him.
"I mean I know you never wanted to refer to it again but I just thought with the baby story it might have stirred up stuff you want to talk about." He couldn't make eye contact with her and that was when she knew he needed to talk about it. She rose from behind her desk and sat on the couch. He remained standing in the doorway not really sure if he wanted to have this conversation with her, but knowing for his own peace of mind he had to. He slowly closed the door and joined her.
"It was ten years ago Toby – it took a long time but I've made peace with my decision back then – to this day it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make but I have to believe it was the right one or I wouldn't be able to live with myself," she said with complete honesty. "I'm sorry I made you be a part of it though, she said quietly.
"God CJ, don't ever be sorry – I'm just glad you didn't have to go through it alone. But I….I….I've always wondered….."
"Do I regret it?" She asked cutting him off before he had to voice he question.
"Well yeah – I just look at Huck and Molly and I just can't imagine life without them now and I wonder…"
"I'll admit you having the twins was hard – it bought it all back. I remember when I was on the plane coming to tell him – I remember wishing so badly it was yours." CJ registered the look of shock on his face. "If it had been yours there would have been no hard decisions," she confessed, "I was in love with you ten years ago Toby – nothing would have stopped me from having your baby." She sensed he wanted to say something but she didn't want to risk embarrassing herself any further, she had already said far more than she ever intended.
"I can't even imagine what it would be like having a ten year old child now – I know I wouldn't be the White House Press Secretary though and I wouldn't have seen or done most of the things I have in the last ten years." She paused wondering whether to continue. "Lately though… well lately…I guess my biological clock has been ticking." She laughed self deprecatingly. Once again Toby looked at her in shock – he had always assumed the emotional scarring of the abortion was the reason she had never wanted children. She grinned at him. "Don't worry – mostly I ignore it and vent my maternal instincts with your kids."
Toby leaned over and kissed her on the cheek before getting up. He was glad they had finally talked about it and he had a lot he needed to work through before he could confess everything he was feeling for her, but there was one thing he did know for sure. "CJ, you would be a great mom, maybe you shouldn't be ignoring it."
Part 6/6
White House - 2004
She knew Toby would be there for her as soon as she got back. She knew there was no point in lying to him either, she was far from fine, but as long as he was the only one who knew she could handle it. Her first instinct had been to call Ben – she knew there would be no emotional ties, no commitment required by either of them and then she realised what she was doing. Once again she was turning to a meaningless relationship to avoid confronting her real feelings. No more. She had never stopped loving Toby but she knew Ben was not the answer, in fact she didn't even know if there was an answer.
Before she left her office she left a message for Carol to call in the morning and cancel the date with Ben.
Less than a minute later she was sitting in Toby's office. Toby was sitting there looking at her, "Can I ask why?"
CJ had no idea what he was talking about.
"That night – Hoynes – can I ask why?" He was tapping a pencil on his legal pad. CJ knew he had been dwelling on this for quite a while.
She took a deep breath, "Toby I don't think…."
"Please CJ – this is important – that night – why Hoynes?"
CJ's eyes flashed. "You really want to know – I'll tell you why – because he was there okay!" She was angry at him for making her talk about this. "You had just told me you were getting married – that I was good enough to sleep with but not to marry – so I proved you right – are you happy now! I proved I am not worthy of loving – you were right ten years ago and it's still right now!" Tears slid from her eyes, emotions she had kept hidden, even from herself, for the last ten years came pouring out. She felt unworthy of a mans love, there would be no happily ever after for her.
"CJ? What the Hell? Not worthy of loving? I have loved you for over ten years – that night – I watched you go up to Hoynes room, it just about tore my heart out. I actually caught the elevator after you to try and stop you – to tell you how I felt but you were a grown woman, I thought he was what you wanted, not me." He looked at her sadly thinking of all the time they had wasted.
He rose from behind his desk and grasped her hands in his and pulled her to her feet. He could tell from the look in her eyes that she didn't believe him. He leant forward slightly and their lips met for the first time in over ten years yet for CJ it felt like coming home. This is what had been missing from every relationship she ever had – this complete sense of 'rightness' when they were together.
"I love you CJ, then, now, forever."
The End