A/N: This is Remus/Sirius slash, so ya know, if you're not into it, don't read the ficcy, easy enough? ^_^ good. This is a fic i wrote for my friend in answer to the challenge that all Harry Potter slash is trashy smutt, so here this is, fluffy with a does of intelligence (at least i think so ^_~). Enjoy enjoy, and as always, i own nothing, not harry potter, the chara's or even the computer i wrote this on, so you can't sue me. ^_^
Sirius gazed into the fire of the Gryffindor house common room and drifted off into his thoughts. Everyone had long since gone to bed and now wandered out of time and space into the land of dreams. For Sirius, however, such bliss was not his to be had. Long now he had sat in front of the licking flames and come no closer to sleep than he had when he began. If only he were in the History of Magic class right now, then sleep would find him swiftly. But such luxury was not to be had at this late hour of the night…or was it morning? He could not recall the hour.
The room around him was all shadows and warmth. Black flowing in from all corners of the room, pooling under the stairwell that lead to the bedchambers, hanging in thick dark lines from the heavy curtains drawn over the windows. Only the light of the fire beat back the inky blackness, and for all the heat that emanated from within the embers, Sirius felt icy through and through. A deep chill that could not be beaten back as easily as the darkness of the room.
He wasn't depressed, not really. Nor was he deep in philosophical contemplation of the universe. No, Sirius Black found himself captivated by thoughts so embarrassingly simple, yet so complex, he couldn't make heads or tales of the solution. He was in love. And while love itself, the very idea of it, was easy enough to understand, he had no idea what to do with the feelings that made his pulse race and breath come short.
A few times over the last week he nearly found himself blurting the reason for his pains to James, and getting his best friends advice, but then, for this particular romantic interest, even James may be left with no good advice to be had. Sirius's problems were not that he was in love, not really, but that his love was for a rather close friend. Close to him in so many ways that not even the word "Close" really described what they had. But then, feeling that they were more than just 'close' could be one-sided Sirius feared.
For one thing, the object of such lust, such mental worship, such heart flurries, was a person who would know all too well what it meant to be a boy in the clutches of unrequited love. For it was a he in fact, another boy like himself.
To tell Remus that he was in love with him was something Sirius had resolved not to do since the first stirrings had started. And not all stirrings were of the heart. Even James had noticed when Sirius opted a month ago not to shower in view of him and Remus anymore. He had inquired about it, but Sirius brushed it off, saying that he preferred to use the time under the hot water to think and relax after the long day of classes and harassment of the Slytherin. It ended up being an awkward moment between the three of them, but not nearly as awkward as it could have been had Sirius stayed and let everyone notice his…ahem…problem.
Sirius woke from his thoughts to a sound on the stairs. Somebody was standing on the landing looking down into the common room on him, he could feel their gaze on his back, making the tiny baby hairs on his neck stand up in apprehension. The entity behind him moved again, now a faint rustling of pajamas and bare feet on carpet approached him slowly and deliberately. A quiet and gentle presence took a seat by him on the marble in front of the fireplace.
"Couldn't sleep tonight either Siri?" A familiar voice said. Sirius looked at the smaller boy next to him. Remus's sandy hair hung sleep tussled in his face, and his eyes stared worriedly at him, a look only somebody who cared about him as much as Remus did could have.
"It's proving difficult." his longish black hair fell in wispy strands around his face, making him look more haggard than he already was.
"Want to talk about what's bothering you then?" Remus's searching eyes begged him to spill the pains in his heart, to confess all that he felt and be done with this undying torture that plagued him. Yet Sirius feared rejection, and more so, the loss of such a dear friend to god given emotions beyond his control.
"Remmy…what would you do if you had feelings inside you, and you knew that if others knew about them…people could be hurt. Does that make you a bad person?" Blue eyes searched the others boys face, trying desperately to read his mind with magic that Sirius knew he did not possess.
Remus's face softened, "You could never be a bad person Siri, nobody can control the way they feel, if we could, nobody would ever feel anything for fear of getting hurt."
Sirius stared at his friend, not sure what to say, what to do, so he did the only sensible thing he could think of at that time, embrace the other boy and hold him close. Remus's skin was still fever warm from sleep, and toasty all over from the fire in front of them.
"Siri? You're starting to worry me, are you going to be alright? Is something wrong with you that James and I should know about?" Remus's voice held worry and pain, and with the smaller boy's moist breath against the skin of his neck, Sirius was tearing at his inner heart strings to yell out how much he did cherish this prime example of human compassion.
"Sirius! Sirius Black!" Remus's stifled cries woke him from his reverie. 'Bugger!' Sirius thought, 'quit thinking so much! You're scaring him!' He pushed away from Remus a little more forcefully than he would have liked, stood up, and began to pace back and forth worriedly. He was more than nervous, and with what was about to pour forth from his lips he couldn't hold inward much longer. It was in his nature to be fidgety, and under the current circumstances, it was made all the worse.
"Remus, do you promise not to get mad?" He came to stand in front of the kneeling form looking up at him. Tender eyes, slightly annoyed stared back,
"I promise if you don't tell me what the hell is going on with you I will get mad."
"Fair enough…I guess…" Sirius couldn't help but show a little of his amusement, him and James were starting to rub off on the boy. Remus stared back at him expectantly, arms crossed in a pouting manner across his chest. The 'tough guy' effect was ruined somewhat by the striped pajama's and the fact that he was still kneeling at Sirius's feet.
"Okay…err…"
"Yes?" Tough look gone and replaced again with the look of concern and caring that had been there before.
"I'm in love." Sirius looked away again, into the shadows, and back again fearfully, as if his dear friend and object of affection were going to pull a knife on him at any second.
"That's wonderful! Wait…why are you so upset about such good news?" he glanced at the guilty expression on his dark haired friends face, "Is she a Slytherin? Or that girl Lily? James wouldn't like that very much but you are our frien-" His words were cut short by a pair of warm, slightly moistened lips against his own. Remus's eye's went wide.
"Siri…what are you doing?!" he pushed away, hands squarely on either side of Sirius's shoulders. Remus's eyes were wide with shock, not knowing what to say.
Sirius looked like he'd been slapped. He hadn't meant to do what he just did. He had meant to tell Remus his feelings for him, even if that went badly…they could still have probably been friends knowing Remmy's good nature, but this…Sirius had just crossed so many boundaries and gone against taboo in that one kiss, what must Remus think of him?
The young werewolf had retreated from Sirius and withdrawn into the shadows of the room. All that was clear was his face, the firelight dancing across his skin creating a orange-golden glow across his complexion. Wide eyes glistened with unshed tears dancing like diamonds in the flickering light.
"Please Remmy…I'm sorry…I didn't mean too…" But he stopped, for Remus was now walking towards him again. Sirius didn't know what to think now, was he loved, was he hated, was everything alright between them even with the events of the last minute?
"Say what you were going to say. Before you …kissed me." quiet and even, no hint of the afore mentioned shock and confusion that had so prominently shown upon his face.
"I…love you?" Unsure of what was the best way to express such a forbidden sentiment to another man. Surely the illustrious pure wizarding family he came from would not approve of such feelings to anyone afflicted with lycanthropy, but then, to another male on top of that? He'd never find the right way to express those feelings to Remus if he'd had a thousand years to contemplate them.
"I thought as much. Well, hoped I guess…why'd you have to go and kiss me first? God damn you Sirius Black, must you do everything on impulse?" Tears still glistened in his eyes, but was Sirius hearing what he thought he was? Could he have possibly confused the meaning of those kind words for something else? Or had Remmy indeed alluded to returning such feelings back to him?
"So…what are you saying then? Do you hate me? Or …?" he couldn't connect the words with his thoughts; they all came spilling out of him too fast to sound anything close to dignified. Bold amazement shown on his face.
"I love you too Pad-Foot. I have longer than you've loved me I think. You just surprised me there…you're kiss knocked down my defenses there for a second, you understand what it feels like to suppress such emotion, it's hard when those blockers are shaken, even for a moment, to keep from breaking down completely." Remus whispered, more to himself it sounded, rather than to the surprised wizard before him.
"Full moons, Mooney, you scared me." Sirius breathed a long sigh of relief.
"Well, you aren't the only one here who can frighten and confuse them. I am a werewolf after all." Remus smirked and closed the distance between them again, embracing his friend, boyfriend, lover, his certain…je ne sais pas.
"Ah Mooney, you're not more than a timid puppy." Sirius laughed and stole a glance into the others eyes only to find them dark and holding a heat that promised many things, some violent, some dangerous, all passionate, all the landmark for trouble making that they as Marauders had become infamous for.
"Maybe not so much a puppy, love, more a ravenous beast." A toothy grin spread across Remmy's face, same old Remmy.
"So now that all this is off my chest, what do we do?" ebony hair snuck in front if Sirius's eyes, causing him the annoyance of brushing it back behind his ear where it wouldn't block his view of his newfound love.
"You love me, I love you back. What more is there that needs to be discussed?"
"What about what people think? Two men together in not natural Remmy."
"Say's who? The same people who claim that mud bloods aren't true wizards and all lycanthropes are monsters? You don't believe those do you?"
"Mooney, you are not a monster."
"Then our love is natural." He smiled and kissed Sirius then, holding him close and reveling in the taste of the other boy. At first Sirius was shy to respond to this shock of lips and tongue returned to him, but only briefly, for he soon joined in returning the kiss with full fervor, so much emotion that was bottle up free at last to taste the sweet nectars of a realized dream.
They ended their kiss, reluctantly, as the first rays of the dawning sun came streaming through the gap in the curtains. The fire had sunk to glowing embers and the pale glow of the morning light crept into the middle of the room where they stood, illuminating them in the rays of a new day.
"Good morning Padfoot."
"g'morning Mooney."
"Lets get to bed now before James wakes up and finds us in such a compromising posture." Remus laughed quietly at the thought, "How should we break the news to good ol' Prongs?"
"Let's tell him after a particularly bad day, ya know, just to torture him a bit." Sirius's eyes gleamed at the thought of such mischief. A better prank he couldn't make up that could top the truth.
"So today after the test in potions then?"
"Bugger, I forgot about the test!" Sirius slapped his forehead and cursed a little louder than was wise at that early hour.
"You forgetfulness is natural, I seem to have a penchant for the dumber ones." Remus Lupin smiled and followed Sirius, who was already sprinting up the stairs toward his bed and the book that was lying nets to the bed covered undoubtedly with dust .
"What a night, and this will prove to be a day to remember as well, I can tell." A devilish grin passed over Sirius Black's face, tousled hair wild, adding to the overall mischievous aura that seemed to float around his being at that moment.
"Why? We have no prank on the Slytherin's planned for today Siri, did we?" Remus looked nervous, it was never a good thing when Sirius got that look on his face. Usually James played some role in creating it however. Yet James was still dead to the world upstairs. What evil was his new lover plotting?
"No Remmy. No prank! Pure brilliance Remmy! When I give the professor my excuse for not studying for the test, that I was busy kissing you, well then, all thought of grades will go out the window!"
"You wouldn't dare!" Remmy ran up the stairs in hot pursuit, "Damn you Sirius Black! That's my honor you're thinking of toying with!"
"What is this 'honor' you speak of?" he said with a laugh, "You're a Marauder, remember! you have no honor. And even if you did, you're my lover now, do you think anybody will ever respect your taste in men after me?"
"No PadFoot, I don't even respect my taste in men" Remus shook his head and smiled inwardly to himself, this was going to be a very interesting day indeed.
Fin
Sirius gazed into the fire of the Gryffindor house common room and drifted off into his thoughts. Everyone had long since gone to bed and now wandered out of time and space into the land of dreams. For Sirius, however, such bliss was not his to be had. Long now he had sat in front of the licking flames and come no closer to sleep than he had when he began. If only he were in the History of Magic class right now, then sleep would find him swiftly. But such luxury was not to be had at this late hour of the night…or was it morning? He could not recall the hour.
The room around him was all shadows and warmth. Black flowing in from all corners of the room, pooling under the stairwell that lead to the bedchambers, hanging in thick dark lines from the heavy curtains drawn over the windows. Only the light of the fire beat back the inky blackness, and for all the heat that emanated from within the embers, Sirius felt icy through and through. A deep chill that could not be beaten back as easily as the darkness of the room.
He wasn't depressed, not really. Nor was he deep in philosophical contemplation of the universe. No, Sirius Black found himself captivated by thoughts so embarrassingly simple, yet so complex, he couldn't make heads or tales of the solution. He was in love. And while love itself, the very idea of it, was easy enough to understand, he had no idea what to do with the feelings that made his pulse race and breath come short.
A few times over the last week he nearly found himself blurting the reason for his pains to James, and getting his best friends advice, but then, for this particular romantic interest, even James may be left with no good advice to be had. Sirius's problems were not that he was in love, not really, but that his love was for a rather close friend. Close to him in so many ways that not even the word "Close" really described what they had. But then, feeling that they were more than just 'close' could be one-sided Sirius feared.
For one thing, the object of such lust, such mental worship, such heart flurries, was a person who would know all too well what it meant to be a boy in the clutches of unrequited love. For it was a he in fact, another boy like himself.
To tell Remus that he was in love with him was something Sirius had resolved not to do since the first stirrings had started. And not all stirrings were of the heart. Even James had noticed when Sirius opted a month ago not to shower in view of him and Remus anymore. He had inquired about it, but Sirius brushed it off, saying that he preferred to use the time under the hot water to think and relax after the long day of classes and harassment of the Slytherin. It ended up being an awkward moment between the three of them, but not nearly as awkward as it could have been had Sirius stayed and let everyone notice his…ahem…problem.
Sirius woke from his thoughts to a sound on the stairs. Somebody was standing on the landing looking down into the common room on him, he could feel their gaze on his back, making the tiny baby hairs on his neck stand up in apprehension. The entity behind him moved again, now a faint rustling of pajamas and bare feet on carpet approached him slowly and deliberately. A quiet and gentle presence took a seat by him on the marble in front of the fireplace.
"Couldn't sleep tonight either Siri?" A familiar voice said. Sirius looked at the smaller boy next to him. Remus's sandy hair hung sleep tussled in his face, and his eyes stared worriedly at him, a look only somebody who cared about him as much as Remus did could have.
"It's proving difficult." his longish black hair fell in wispy strands around his face, making him look more haggard than he already was.
"Want to talk about what's bothering you then?" Remus's searching eyes begged him to spill the pains in his heart, to confess all that he felt and be done with this undying torture that plagued him. Yet Sirius feared rejection, and more so, the loss of such a dear friend to god given emotions beyond his control.
"Remmy…what would you do if you had feelings inside you, and you knew that if others knew about them…people could be hurt. Does that make you a bad person?" Blue eyes searched the others boys face, trying desperately to read his mind with magic that Sirius knew he did not possess.
Remus's face softened, "You could never be a bad person Siri, nobody can control the way they feel, if we could, nobody would ever feel anything for fear of getting hurt."
Sirius stared at his friend, not sure what to say, what to do, so he did the only sensible thing he could think of at that time, embrace the other boy and hold him close. Remus's skin was still fever warm from sleep, and toasty all over from the fire in front of them.
"Siri? You're starting to worry me, are you going to be alright? Is something wrong with you that James and I should know about?" Remus's voice held worry and pain, and with the smaller boy's moist breath against the skin of his neck, Sirius was tearing at his inner heart strings to yell out how much he did cherish this prime example of human compassion.
"Sirius! Sirius Black!" Remus's stifled cries woke him from his reverie. 'Bugger!' Sirius thought, 'quit thinking so much! You're scaring him!' He pushed away from Remus a little more forcefully than he would have liked, stood up, and began to pace back and forth worriedly. He was more than nervous, and with what was about to pour forth from his lips he couldn't hold inward much longer. It was in his nature to be fidgety, and under the current circumstances, it was made all the worse.
"Remus, do you promise not to get mad?" He came to stand in front of the kneeling form looking up at him. Tender eyes, slightly annoyed stared back,
"I promise if you don't tell me what the hell is going on with you I will get mad."
"Fair enough…I guess…" Sirius couldn't help but show a little of his amusement, him and James were starting to rub off on the boy. Remus stared back at him expectantly, arms crossed in a pouting manner across his chest. The 'tough guy' effect was ruined somewhat by the striped pajama's and the fact that he was still kneeling at Sirius's feet.
"Okay…err…"
"Yes?" Tough look gone and replaced again with the look of concern and caring that had been there before.
"I'm in love." Sirius looked away again, into the shadows, and back again fearfully, as if his dear friend and object of affection were going to pull a knife on him at any second.
"That's wonderful! Wait…why are you so upset about such good news?" he glanced at the guilty expression on his dark haired friends face, "Is she a Slytherin? Or that girl Lily? James wouldn't like that very much but you are our frien-" His words were cut short by a pair of warm, slightly moistened lips against his own. Remus's eye's went wide.
"Siri…what are you doing?!" he pushed away, hands squarely on either side of Sirius's shoulders. Remus's eyes were wide with shock, not knowing what to say.
Sirius looked like he'd been slapped. He hadn't meant to do what he just did. He had meant to tell Remus his feelings for him, even if that went badly…they could still have probably been friends knowing Remmy's good nature, but this…Sirius had just crossed so many boundaries and gone against taboo in that one kiss, what must Remus think of him?
The young werewolf had retreated from Sirius and withdrawn into the shadows of the room. All that was clear was his face, the firelight dancing across his skin creating a orange-golden glow across his complexion. Wide eyes glistened with unshed tears dancing like diamonds in the flickering light.
"Please Remmy…I'm sorry…I didn't mean too…" But he stopped, for Remus was now walking towards him again. Sirius didn't know what to think now, was he loved, was he hated, was everything alright between them even with the events of the last minute?
"Say what you were going to say. Before you …kissed me." quiet and even, no hint of the afore mentioned shock and confusion that had so prominently shown upon his face.
"I…love you?" Unsure of what was the best way to express such a forbidden sentiment to another man. Surely the illustrious pure wizarding family he came from would not approve of such feelings to anyone afflicted with lycanthropy, but then, to another male on top of that? He'd never find the right way to express those feelings to Remus if he'd had a thousand years to contemplate them.
"I thought as much. Well, hoped I guess…why'd you have to go and kiss me first? God damn you Sirius Black, must you do everything on impulse?" Tears still glistened in his eyes, but was Sirius hearing what he thought he was? Could he have possibly confused the meaning of those kind words for something else? Or had Remmy indeed alluded to returning such feelings back to him?
"So…what are you saying then? Do you hate me? Or …?" he couldn't connect the words with his thoughts; they all came spilling out of him too fast to sound anything close to dignified. Bold amazement shown on his face.
"I love you too Pad-Foot. I have longer than you've loved me I think. You just surprised me there…you're kiss knocked down my defenses there for a second, you understand what it feels like to suppress such emotion, it's hard when those blockers are shaken, even for a moment, to keep from breaking down completely." Remus whispered, more to himself it sounded, rather than to the surprised wizard before him.
"Full moons, Mooney, you scared me." Sirius breathed a long sigh of relief.
"Well, you aren't the only one here who can frighten and confuse them. I am a werewolf after all." Remus smirked and closed the distance between them again, embracing his friend, boyfriend, lover, his certain…je ne sais pas.
"Ah Mooney, you're not more than a timid puppy." Sirius laughed and stole a glance into the others eyes only to find them dark and holding a heat that promised many things, some violent, some dangerous, all passionate, all the landmark for trouble making that they as Marauders had become infamous for.
"Maybe not so much a puppy, love, more a ravenous beast." A toothy grin spread across Remmy's face, same old Remmy.
"So now that all this is off my chest, what do we do?" ebony hair snuck in front if Sirius's eyes, causing him the annoyance of brushing it back behind his ear where it wouldn't block his view of his newfound love.
"You love me, I love you back. What more is there that needs to be discussed?"
"What about what people think? Two men together in not natural Remmy."
"Say's who? The same people who claim that mud bloods aren't true wizards and all lycanthropes are monsters? You don't believe those do you?"
"Mooney, you are not a monster."
"Then our love is natural." He smiled and kissed Sirius then, holding him close and reveling in the taste of the other boy. At first Sirius was shy to respond to this shock of lips and tongue returned to him, but only briefly, for he soon joined in returning the kiss with full fervor, so much emotion that was bottle up free at last to taste the sweet nectars of a realized dream.
They ended their kiss, reluctantly, as the first rays of the dawning sun came streaming through the gap in the curtains. The fire had sunk to glowing embers and the pale glow of the morning light crept into the middle of the room where they stood, illuminating them in the rays of a new day.
"Good morning Padfoot."
"g'morning Mooney."
"Lets get to bed now before James wakes up and finds us in such a compromising posture." Remus laughed quietly at the thought, "How should we break the news to good ol' Prongs?"
"Let's tell him after a particularly bad day, ya know, just to torture him a bit." Sirius's eyes gleamed at the thought of such mischief. A better prank he couldn't make up that could top the truth.
"So today after the test in potions then?"
"Bugger, I forgot about the test!" Sirius slapped his forehead and cursed a little louder than was wise at that early hour.
"You forgetfulness is natural, I seem to have a penchant for the dumber ones." Remus Lupin smiled and followed Sirius, who was already sprinting up the stairs toward his bed and the book that was lying nets to the bed covered undoubtedly with dust .
"What a night, and this will prove to be a day to remember as well, I can tell." A devilish grin passed over Sirius Black's face, tousled hair wild, adding to the overall mischievous aura that seemed to float around his being at that moment.
"Why? We have no prank on the Slytherin's planned for today Siri, did we?" Remus looked nervous, it was never a good thing when Sirius got that look on his face. Usually James played some role in creating it however. Yet James was still dead to the world upstairs. What evil was his new lover plotting?
"No Remmy. No prank! Pure brilliance Remmy! When I give the professor my excuse for not studying for the test, that I was busy kissing you, well then, all thought of grades will go out the window!"
"You wouldn't dare!" Remmy ran up the stairs in hot pursuit, "Damn you Sirius Black! That's my honor you're thinking of toying with!"
"What is this 'honor' you speak of?" he said with a laugh, "You're a Marauder, remember! you have no honor. And even if you did, you're my lover now, do you think anybody will ever respect your taste in men after me?"
"No PadFoot, I don't even respect my taste in men" Remus shook his head and smiled inwardly to himself, this was going to be a very interesting day indeed.
Fin