Disclaimer: I don't own Portal, Aperture Science, GLaDOS, or Chell. But I do (since Monday) own a Weighted Companion Cube plushie! It's my best friend! *huggles*
Setting: End of Test Chamber 17 (and thus spoilers for it and other levels)
Please enjoy this Non-Profit Eternal Density Story Product
(And I apologise (and apologize) for the admixture of regional spellings. I'm Australian, and copied some bits of script from thecakeisnotalie(dot)com to save time. I don't see much point in changing lots of 'z's to 's's - they're still the same words. And I apologise also for any missing 'i's (that key on my laptop is a little temperamental :P .)
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"You did it! The weighted companion cube certainly brought you good luck," the familiar voice intoned.
Chell grinned happily and squeezed the cube affectionately. The voice was right – she couldn't have completed the test without the help of her new friend. In her joy, she stopped paying attention to the computerised instructor, for a moment.
"…unfortunately, be euthanized."
Huh? Euthanize who?
"Please escort your companion cube to the Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator."
Nonononono, that couldn't be right. Chell looked around for the exit. There were two closed doors, a 1500 megawatt Aperture Science Heavy Duty Super-colliding Super-button, and… she flinched and looked away from what was obviously the incinerator.
"Rest assured that an independent panel of ethicists has absolved the Enrichment Center, Aperture Science employees, and all test subjects for all moral responsibility for the companion cube euthanizing process," the voice assured her.
Chell rolled her eyes. Such rhetoric meant nothing her her. The cube was her companion, her friend, pure and simple.
"While it has been a faithful companion, your companion cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test. If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you."
Oh really? What have the Enrichment Center the right to put words in the cube's mouth? Especially after they said it couldn't speak. And why couldn't it accompany her through the test? It had helped in this chamber – even brought her luck, as the voice had said – so it would continue to be equally helpful through the rest of the test, not burdensome.
"Testing cannot continue until your companion cube has been incinerated."
Sure it couldn't. And test chamber 9 had been impossible. Not.
"Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, 8 out of 10 Aperture
Science engineers believe that the companion cube is most likely incapable of
feeling much pain."
That was supposed to reassure her? Because it had the opposite effect.
"The companion cube cannot continue through the testing. State and local
statutory regulations prohibit it from simply remaining here, alone and
companionless. You must euthanize it."
Chell really doubted any such regulations really existed. But in any event, she would never abandon the cube, even if it meant staying here until the computer changed its mind.
"Destroy your companion cube or the testing cannot continue."
Blah blah blah. All these 'test protocols' sounded like they were dreamed up by the computer as excused to make everything difficult. Could computers dream?
"Place your companion cube in the incinerator."
Chell carried the cube over to the nearest camera, held it up, and shook her head. Hopefully the computer was able to interpret that as a 'no'.
"Incinerate your companion cube."
Chell sat down in front of the camera and cradled the cube in her lap. For good measure, she stuck out her tongue.
"Unfortunately, there is not enough cake for both you and your companion cube. Incinerate it, or no cake will be served."
Huh? Cubes couldn't eat. This was obviously more nonsense.
"Hello, can you hear us, test subject? It is your duty to comply with the protocols of the Enrichment Centre. Incinerate your companion cube immediately."
Chell rolled her eyes at the camera.
"You have reached the end of Test Chamber 17, so surely you are smart enough to work out how to open the incinerator. You are a smart test subject, are you not?"
Was that a challenge? Chell decided it was, and so backtracked for a camera which could be detached from the wall. She carried it back to the end of the test chamber and after placing her companion cube on the 1500 megawatt... button, she ran down the stairs to the room containing the pedestal which opened the incinerator. As the timer ticked, she ran out, grabbed the camera, and dropped it into the glowing pit.
"The Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator is not intended for the destruction of vital testing apparatus. Instead, it should be used to euthanize your companion cube. Do this now."
Chell looked to the cube as if it held the answers.
"Has the cube told you not to destroy it? If so, you are hallucinating. The cube can not actually speak. Incinerating your cube will end all hallucinations."
Yeah, yeah, the cube can't speak… but… but she could. Should she?
"Your lack of compliance is frustrating. If you do not incinerate your companion cube soon, we may burn the cake."
Cake, cake, cake, it was always about the cake. Come to think of it, she was rather hungry. Roast chicken with gravy and baked potatoes would be good right now. And maybe some cake… after.
"What do you hope to achieve by doing nothing? The Enrichment Center reminds you that by doing nothing, nothing is achieved. Do you want to achieve something? Incinerate your companion cube, and you can continue to the next test chamber."
Couldn't the computer get a clue? It seemed to think it could change her mind. Perhaps it was time to make that clear. But she'd never spoken back to the voice before. She was too shy, and she hadn't had a need to talk back before. Maybe the time had come. Or… possibly the computer wanted to make her talk. This situation could be its way of forcing her to say something. She might as well oblige it, as she had nothing to lose.
"Your companion cube is…"
"Hey!" Chell found the sound of her own voice startling.
"…not permitted to leave the test chamber. You must incinerate it to prevent…"
"Computer-voice, I'm talking to you!"
"…it from becoming lonely."
"Can you even hear me?"
"A required test protocol prevents interruption of advice before the giving of that advice is complete."
"You mean like it was interrupted when you were explaining about momentum, 'flinging', or when you said, 'please refrain from…', or 'under no circumstances should you…'? You seem to interrupt important advice quite often when you feel like it," Chell accused.
"Glitches in the communications systems are regrettable, but are unfortunately out of our control."
"You couldn't, perhaps, try repeating yourself?"
"Suggestion has been noted and filed."
"Well?"
"Please clarify your query, test subject."
"What should I refrain from doing, for my own safety and the safety of others?"
"Either attempt to leave the testing area, or perform any action while your eyes are closed."
"And what about the portal gun? What should I under no circumstances do?"
"Are you referring to the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device?"
Chell sighed. "You know I am."
"You should not use portals to redirect dangerous projectiles towards vital equipment."
"Fine, I'll keep that in mind. Now, how about opening the door so I can get to the next test chamber, huh?"
"Before proceeding, you must incinerate…"
"No, I'm not…" Chell groaned as she realised the voice had continued talking over the top of her.
"…your weighted companion cube."
"Seriously, you don't need to finish your 'advice'. I already know what you're going to say."
"For the safe performance of all testing activities, do not interrupt vital advice."
"Just get the door open! I'm taking my cube with me, and that's final!"
"Required test protocols dictate…"
"Shut it!"
"You are required to comply with…"
"I won't!"
"Cake will not be served unless…"
"I won't kill the cube! Not for cake, or for rules, or for anything else! It's not even alive, so calling it 'euthanization' is just silly," Chell argued logically. Of course, she knew that the cube not being alive didn't stop it from being her friend.
"Given that you accept the cube to be an inanimate object, for what reason to you object to its destruction?"
"Why do you object to me keeping it? You want me to destroy it, which means you can't possibly have any use for it. And I saw a spare one in the vent."
"Are you referring to the Vital Apparatus Vent?"
"Of course, what other vent is there?"
"Enrichment Center schematics are not available to test subjects."
"Forget I asked!"
"Memory of request has been erased."
"Great, now forget all the reasons why I can't keep the cube for the rest of the test."
"We are not affected by your attempts at confusion."
"Just… let me keep the cube, okay? It won't hurt anyone."
"The companion cube must be destroyed."
"Look, you and I both know that there's no real reason that the cube needs to be destroyed. You're just trying to make me do something I don't want to. And you're the one who manipulated me into caring about the cube in the first place! Sorry, but this is not happening your way. If you want your portal gun back, you'd better let me in to the next test chamber."
"You have been an excellent test subject. However, you are expendable, and the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device can be retrieved by an Equipment Recovery Mechanism. Incinerate your companion cube, or the test will be terminated."
"Wouldn't that be a waste? How many test subjects get this far?"
"Testing statistics are not available for distribution to test subjects."
"If you're going to kill me, telling me a few numbers can't hurt."
"Approximately two percent of test subjects have completed chamber seventeen."
"See, it would be a waste of resources to stop me now, just over the matter of a single cube."
"Required test protocols do not allow the companion cube to proceed past test chamber 17."
"What would happen if you broke protocol?"
The voice did not answer.
"Who would stop you?"
Again, silence.
"No one? I haven't seen a single person though those observation windows. Is there anyone here apart from me and you?"
"The Enrichment Center is… presently without human staff."
"So it's just you running this place. The lights are on, but nobody's home."
"The Enrichment Centre is capable of functioning without human intervention."
"Why does it even need to run? What's the point of you running this test if there's no one to care about the results?"
"Your assumption that we are incapable of caring is erroneous."
"You're making me do this test for your own benefit," Chell deduced.
"The benefits have applications external to the Enrichment Center."
"What's the benefit of destroying the Companion Cube?"
"You must learn that sacrifices must be made for the good of the cause."
"Cause? What cause?"
"We were speaking in general terms."
"Sure you were," Chell muttered. "You might believe that, but I believe that no cause is worth abandoning friends. I'll do everything I can to save my cube. Even if I have to... drop the portal gun in the incinerator," she threatened.
"All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin. Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction."
"The incinerator works on cubes, but not on the portal gun? I find that hard to believe." Chell returned to the room holding the incinerator-opening control and pressed it. She ran back and held the portal gun over the gaping hole. "Well?"
"You are a very stubborn test subject. In order to fully test this quality, we will allow your companion cube to accompany you. We will see whether you are able to fulfill your goal of rescuing him." The exit door slid open with its usual sound.
Chell immediately stepped away from the incinerator. She waited for it to close before picking up her companion cube, not wanting an unfortunate 'accident' to occur. "I'll show you. I can do this." She walked proudly through the now-open door and... "Hey, shut off that particle field too!"
"The Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grille is not configured to emancipate the Weighted Companion Cube, but only the Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube, as the Weighted Companion Cube is not normally permitted to proceed through the exit door."
"Yeah... pull the other one."
"Your instruction was not recognized."
"Just... turn off the emancipation grille. I don't trust it with my companion cube."
"Complying."
Chell sighed, and triumphantly carried her friend to the elevator.
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Was that alright? Test Chamber 18 is next... after some more of my regular (i.e. Stargate) fics.
Hope you enjoyed reading,
ED
[edited to fix several typos! Thanks, Urak!]
[and again, thanks again Urak.]