Notes: Serious Spoilers for Season 5 and written on speculation. For those wondering LIFE has 10,000 and more words that I'm trying to edit as we speak! Bare with me guys!
Reset by Atheniandream
x
Donna Paulsen could not stand it any longer.
Which, in retrospect was an obscure feeling for her. She had always prided herself on being resilient. No matter what,
After leaving Harvey: She could stand it.
When he had ordered her out of his office with a flash of bitter, unfettered words: She could stand it.
When Louis tried to stick the knife into Harvey, right in front of her very eyes just to see him strain at the fact: She could stand it. Albiet barely.
When Jessica pushed her, near accused her of being the one to help the supposed titanfall of The Indelible Harvey Specter and the woman's own kingdom with it: She stood every word and every blow.
But right now?
She couldn't stand it.
Not one little bit.
He was a mess. He was an absolute, fumbling mess. His shirts were creased. His hair, dishevelled and uneven and seemingly greying with every minute. His tie, loose and lax and lopping to the side most days, regardless of meetings. He'd visibly lost weight, too; his shoulders permanently slumped and his cheekbones slightly sharper now, more so when she noticed him march past her from time to time. And she swore he stood kind of crookedly, now. No longer that arrogant swagger and sturdiness that she thought was ingrained in him. Turns out that Harvey absorbed the world around him. Either that or she made the man from toes to teeth to the point that he ran had run on autopilot for the past ten years.
She had shuddered at the thought that she was to blame for it all.
And people had obviously reported back to her, regardless of whether she wanted them to do or not. And every single one of them said the same damn thing.
Harvey Specter...was not Harvey Specter anymore.
That man was gone.
And she had tried, before.
Tried to go back to him. But he had been so angry and so hurt and so focused on that that his bile laden words and Louis's polarising overprotectiveness had set things to solid immovable stone. The proverbial rock and hard place that somehow made her the frozen conundrum in the middle.
She approached his office, noticing the lights on full glare. He never relaxed anymore. Never sat in his office like he used to, going over things with a little casual music, a Macallan and the low glow of moodiness.
Those days had truly gone.
She felt herself falter slightly, chewing on her lip before trying to rein in her emotion enough to do what she had come here to do. What she had rehearsed.
When she moved over the threshold of his office, he didn't even blink. Not because he was ignoring her. Apparently he'd taking to drifting off into space nowadays instead of working and thinking or even doing.
It pained her to see it. And not in the disconnected, piteous kind of way.
It pained her like she finally might break into tiny little pieces, as if she was suddenly made of glass. Ironic that she thought six weeks ago she already had shattered...as if there could be more to it all.
She said his name slowly, concentrating on her tone. "Harvey…?" It was almost a whisper.
He didn't look up.
"Harvey." She repeated. Louder then.
Still nothing.
"For god sakes, Harvey. Will you just look at me?" She spat then, her hair waving in frustration.
"Donna. I really don't need this right now." He sighed, but dropped his pen anyway. His shirt was rolled up to his sleeves and she could see that he'd abandoned his tie, probably hours before.
"Well, you know what...I really can't take this anymore." She told him, huffing with the effort of merely standing straight.
"Take what?" He squinted, although relaxed, none of the pressure and accusation that before would have backed up his words.
"Watching you. Like this. You're...a mess, and I..."
"Thanks for that," He remarked, sighing.
"I'm serious, Harvey." She sighed, frowning. "I can't watch you like...this."
"Donna, please just go." He asked, picking up his pen once more as his eyes looked back to the files in front of him.
His lacklustre reply was just enough to snap her in two.
"You know what, Harvey?" She started, her temper rising. "I wish I could!" She spat. "God, i wish i could just walk away and go and live my life somewhere else. I really do. I'd be happier, for one. And married, probably. To an investment banker named David. But despite our situation, and regardless of how I feel and how you clearly don't, I can't stand by and just do nothing. I've tried. But I can't. Not anymore."
Before there would have been a sharp look on his face, a wounded reaction and a slash of a remark.
Instead he merely looked at her tiredly, disconnected like he had more important things going on in his life, somewhere else. Like the entire situation in front of him was trivial. "Donna. I appreciate the sentiment...but...I don't need your help." He told her simply.
"You think I don't know that? You don't need me anymore. I can see it. And I could deal with that if I you would actually dealt with it, first."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
There it was. Harvey. Just a flash and only for a second, until he reigned it in.
"You're losing cases. Clients? You're the proverbial black sheep of your own firm just because I'm not there anymore. And it's killing me, Harvey. Not because you don't need me, or even because I did it all because I didn't. If anything, I just...loved you. And supported you. And now you're not even you anymore and I..." She swallowed, the acknowledgment of the tears trickling down her pale face and the slight slump of her shoulders in a weak attempt to hold whatever emotion was still left inside her. "I didn't leave you so you could completely fall apart. I left because I couldn't be in love with you and get nothing back anymore...but," She smiled, bitterly as the honest notes fell straight out of her like cool running air. "Right now, I'd settle for knowing that things would never change just to...have things go back to the way the were. The way you were."
She sniffed, watching his face. There was no anger there. Maybe a slight tinge of guilt and sympathy. But no kempt wave of emotion.
It was official.
The man she had loved...still loved, had truly left her.
"Donna," He said quietly.
She swallowed, her throat thick and cold feeling. She adjusted her footing as the need to bail ran through her body.
"We can't change the past. But right now...I don't know what to do with the future. I just don't." He admitted, a dull shrug emanating from his shoulders.
"Just...get your shit together. For me?" She asked.
"Donna..." He sighed, pushing off of his desk. "I'm sorry. But I don't know how to fix this. I don't even know where to start. And I'm trying to do it on my own. But...you always were irreplaceable." He said, a twinge of a smile falling on his tired face. "Very high shoes to fill." He admitted, shrugging fully then.
"What do you need?" She found herself saying, her eyes steely and concentrated.
He squinted for a moment, sitting back in his chair as a thought took over.
"How about I order us some food...your favourite?" He offered, an eyebrow quirking. "I haven't had shitty thai food in a...really long time."
For a moment it knocked her off kilter.
He was taking the lead. He was deciding for them. She stifled the urge to jump over the table and kiss his face.
She smiled instead, rolling her eyes as she slowly sat down in front of him, watching as he slid the file in front of him towards her side of his desk.
She watched then as he watched her, leaning forward and taking the file in her hands, his shoulders broadening ever so slightly when she reached for a pen.
"Oh, by the way. I'm going to need my lawyer back." She added boldy.
"Wasn't that the whole point of this?" He offered with a slight smirk, immediately gaining her attention for the memories it envoked.
"Well..." She cleared her throat. "That and to get me out of the iron clad contract my asshole employer made me sign." She answered, her eyes flicking to his with emphasis of the pink Louis shaped elephant in the room.
"He was smart." He said quietly, his eyes disguising something in them that his mouth appeared to disregard. "It was the only way to keep us apart." He remarked. "Well...that and my apparent inability to develop a feeling." He added, a note of honesty in his voice.
"What...did the hot shrink tell you that?" She added, arching an eyebrow at him.
The was Donna. She knew things.
"Shut up and start highlighting." He commanded, picking up the phone then. When she looked up to glare at him there was the ghost of a slight smile on his face.
Her face faltered for a second, his eyes drawing her slightly. "You realise that eventually we...do need to talk about things?"
"What do you think the hot shrink's for?" He offered, arching an eyebrow at her.
She snorted. He was most likely fucking the shrink.
And talking about her after...the bastard.
Maybe they'd be okay.
Despite her heart…
"Donna?" He asked her then, his hand suddenly holding the disconnect button on the phone console.
"What?" She asked, the highlighter paused above the paper.
"We do...need to talk. At some point...soon." He agreed. "There are things that…we need to discuss." He told her, his face paused for a fraction longer than he should her. Waiting for his answer from her.
She nodded slowly.
Suddenly overcome. For so many reasons.
She wondered, if they had the power to reset it all.
Couldn't help it! Spoilers got me mad thinking. A~