I own nothing. This was written for my good friend nighthawkms, who I hope enjoys this. Who cares if it's a bit late for Xmas, we all need a pick me up after these holidays anyway.
He's staring at the blank sheet in front of him; the pencil is starting to slide in his hand as his palms become sweaty. He tugs irritably at his shirt, wishing he dared to unbutton the collar and risk Sister Mercy's wrath… as it was he was going to be deep enough in her bad books without adding another ten strokes for violating the dress code.
Looking about the classroom, he noticed that no one else was having a problem with this stupid assignment. Not that that was surprising. It was simple. Even if Santa Claus 'stole the glory away from our Holy Savior's birth', he was still a saint, which meant that they could write letters to him to request what presents they'd like to find under their tree --- as a penmanship exercise.
He was pretty sure he wasn't the only one who didn't believe in Santa Claus anymore, but writing a list of what you wanted seemed like a pretty good way to ensure you got what you wanted from your parents in theory. He didn't know much about that in practice.
It should've been easy for him to write down a list of toys like everyone else in the class—except that he didn't want toys. What he wanted was for his father to hit him somewhere where everyone could see it, for his mother to stop watching and DO something for once, for a nice family to come and take him in…
He'd definitely get strokes for those wishes. Not that it mattered, because he was going to get strokes for not completing the assignment beyond 'Dear Santa' and probably a call to his mother. Not that she'd care, but then she'd complain to Dad about him being in trouble and---
"Psst… just copy mine…"
He's starts when Ronald leans over; he's never talked to him before, but they're both sorts of outcasts in this stupid school… Ronald's black and he's heard the nasty names the other kids call him when the teachers aren't around. The kid's nicknames for him aren't nearly as bad, but they're not very nice either…
Smiling faintly, he begins to copy Ronald's list in careful cursive print:
'Dear Santa, this Christmas I want a black G.I. Joe with Eagle Eye vision and Kung Fu grip…'
***///***///***
"---PA RUMPA PUM PUM, RUMPA PUM PUM, RUMPA PUM PUM!!!!"
The apartment was in chaos. Between Jack running about, the cartoons loudly blasting on the television in a failed attempt to keep Jack out of their hair, all the packing they were attempting to do and Perry's grumbling, he was starting to get a migraine.
It'll be worth it when we get to the cabin… he reminds himself as he rubs at his sore temples.
The plan was to take Jack up north so that he could have his first white Christmas; at four years old he could finally appreciate it. J.D. also had found himself missing the snow that had blanketed his home town during the holidays. He hadn't broached the idea of going out to Ohio to visit his family with Perry yet, but perhaps if this year went well…
In fact, the whole trip was Perry's idea in the first place, which had surprised him because Perry was a bit of a homebody. However, considering how much time he was spending in the hospital since he'd been promoted to Chief of Medicine he could understand why Perry might want to get out of town. Perry barely made it home most nights to see Jack before he went to bed.
It'd be nice, to get away and have a chance to reconnect --- to talk without one of their pagers going off…
"J.D.? I'm going to see if I can't tire out Jack," Perry says, snagging the back of Jack's overalls as he makes another run through the bedroom and tugging the squirming child into his lap. Jack's going to be a great marathon runner when he's older… I could be the second daddy to an Olympic athlete. "We need to get snow suits too. Finding ours is a lost cause and Jack doesn't have anything."
He smiles gratefully at Perry, who keeps a hold on the wriggling preschooler as he stands.
"Hey, Newbie, make sure to take an aspirin while we're out. Last thing we need is you in one of your moods," Perry smirks, ducking the pair of socks that J.D. throws at him.
After Perry struggles to convince Jack that he does, in fact, have to wear the jacket and the TV goes off, J.D. sighs in relief and heads to the bathroom to take an aspirin or three.
They were leaving tomorrow morning and there was still so much to do… he was going to have to call his mother and apologize for all the times he'd complained that they never went anywhere as a kid, because he was barely managing with one kid and he had Perry to help…
He decides to take a quick nap to try and kill the headache and perk up his energy… part of the stress, he knows, is because he still hasn't found a present for Perry. Normally he's excellent at getting the perfect gift for everyone on his list: A book on diversifying into cash businesses for Dan who's real estate career was a bit stalled along with the economy, a set of interchangeable circular knitting needles and some cashmere yarn for Mom, a nice hat and set of gloves for Carla who'd been complaining about cold fingers earlier this week, a box of sugar-free candies that actually tasted good for Turk, a cute little plush zebra for Izzy, a wooden Thomas the Tank Engine set for Jack, and gift certificates for an exclusive spa for Elliot and Jordan.
He'd done the sexy gift, their first Christmas together (note to self, pack that outfit…), the funny gift their second (the Dr. Bad Ass coffee mug and embroidered scrubs had gone over rather well), then there'd been the practical ones like jeans, sneakers, shirts… this year was going to be underwear and socks if he didn't find something special…
He's about to drift out when a loud buzz echoes from the buzzer. Groaning, he rolls off the couch and slams the intercom.
"…yeah?"
"Package delivery for John Dorian?"
Odd, he hadn't ordered a package… Mom had already sent Dan and her gifts… He buzzed the man in, meeting him the lobby.
The package was from Paige, Perry's sister. Curiouser and curiouser… The box was fairly large, but lightweight and rattled when he shook it gently. Why had Paige sent it to him though? If it had just been presents, why hadn't she sent it to Perry, like usual?
Setting the box on the kitchen table he finds a butter knife (he doesn't want anything too sharp in case there's something close to the top…) and pops the seal.
On top are the usual three gifts that Paige sends every year, wrapped in her signature religious wrapping paper Nativity scene this year, nice… that always sends Perry into a fit of snark, but he never gets around to rewrapping the gifts like he threatens to. J.D.'s pretty sure they pick the paper that will most irritate the other; J.D. saw Perry wrapping Paige's gift in paper covered with naughty naked Mrs. Clauses last week…
Pulling out the gifts and setting them aside he gets to the real mystery, a slightly smaller faded and worn cardboard box and the attached note with his name on it.
J.D.---
Perry's never been one for sentimentality, but I was cleaning out my storage locker and found some of the old family ornaments. I heard you were taking Jack up north to have his first white Christmas, so I thought I'd send these to you. The Cox family should be equally represented on the tree, and knowing Perry he probably didn't have any ornaments until you came along.
Love, God Bless, and it's Merry Christmas you hippies,
Paige
P.S.: The sheep goes on top of the tree.
He smiles, the letter's so typically Paige, who has more in common with Perry than either are willing to admit.
He can hear Perry's footsteps coming down the hallway, talking quietly to Jack and he quickly puts the presents back on the box. If Perry knew that Paige had sent ornaments he'd find a way to make sure that there wasn't any room in the car to take them.
When Perry opens the door he almost bursts out laughing, but Perry's glare freezes any chuckle in his throat, as does Jack's splotchy, red, tear stained face. His eyes slide up to the monstrosity pulled down over Perry's head: A cotton-candy pink knit cap with white fur trim and bobble, topped off with sequins.
"C'mon Jack, time for a bath…" Perry says as he takes off Jack's coat and shoes. Jack must be tired, since he nods his head instead of putting up a protest like usual. Perry keeps the pink cap on as he carries Jack into the bathroom and starts running the bath.
He opens up the shopping bag, eager to pack away the coats; they won't need them until they get to the cabin after all…
A large black coat with matching pants for Perry, a blue jumpsuit now the Janitor and I can be twins! that is obviously for him, and what appears to be the cause of the problem stuffed at the bottom of the sack: A bright pink child's snowsuit.
What the---? Now, if it were my size I'd understand; Perry would be on the couch for a month and get irregular underwear for Christmas, but I'd get it.
He pokes his head into the bath where Jack is leaning heavily on the side of the tub, eyes half closed, as Perry rinses the shampoo from his hair.
"Long day," He asks, smiling as Perry rolls his eyes dramatically.
"I'll tell you after I get him to bed," Perry replies, carefully pitching his voice so as not to disturb the dozing Jack.
J.D. fetches a pair of Jack's favorite Wiggles pajamas and helps Perry dry off the exhausted boy.
"Why don't you go and finish packing, I'll put Jack to bed," J.D. offers, holding the tired child to his chest.
Tucking Jack in takes less time than usual, probably since he was three-quarters of the way to the land of Nod before they'd even finished toweling him off. Jack's eyes have drifted shut by the third verse of 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'.
After making sure the night light was on and the bedroom door cracked just a little bit, he heads into the living room to find Perry sprawled across the couch, drinking a scotch. The hat, J.D. notices, is still on his head.
"That bad, huh?"
"Finding a store that carried real snow gear was hard enough. The one I found didn't have any boys suits or bottoms in his size, so it was either get something too big or the girly one, it didn't go down well…"
"You could've got a used one---" Perry's face screws up, cutting him off before he can even finish.
"No. Think about all the snot and drool those things get on them by the time wind up at the store! They're a breeding ground for disease and we don't have time to sterilize---"
J.D. rolls his eyes and pushes Perry's feet off the couch so he can sit down. Personally, he thought that Perry might be a little paranoid about germs, but Jordan was just as bad. Perry and Jordan had already had screaming arguments about Jack playing flag football and he wouldn't even be old enough to play for another few years. Good thing I'm here or Jack would be convinced he needed to live in a bubble…
"So, you got the hat to make him feel better about wearing a girl's suit."
"Yeah…," Perry grumbles, yanking the hat off and scratching his head. "Only thing that'd get him to shut up long enough for us to get out of the store. Jordan's going to have goddamn field day."
"You were the one who thought it was so important to teach him 'gender roles'."
"It was tap class, Newbie. Tap dancing class."
J.D. rolls his eyes at the familiar argument, but he was personally with Jordan on this one. Dance lessons certainly weren't hurting Jack in any way, not that they could convince Perry of that. After Perry's lecture on 'girl things' and 'boy things' Jack had thrown a screaming fit the next time Jordan tried to take him to lessons. Jordan had brought Jack to the hospital and forced Perry to convince Jack to go to class on the threat of having to go himself to show Jack that tap class 'was so boy stuff'.
He needs to call Jordan, because she definitely deserved to hear this story as payback for the grand mal tantrum Jack had thrown---
"What, they're going to think he's a sissy? He'll wind up gay? Since it's mostly genetic he's pretty much screwed…" He says, more bitterly than he'd planned.
Except, it's silly that Perry's throwing such a fit over Jack's masculinity when Jack's peers still call their penises 'wee wees', and boys and girls wear pretty much the same clothes. How hypocritical for Perry, involved in a long term homosexual relationship, to be in a tizzy to defend his son's sexuality.
"It's not that… they'll pick on him. Kids have a sixth sense for 'different'. He shouldn't have to deal with that."
That's something that J.D. can't argue with, he remembers being picked on in school all too well, and it's not something he wants for Jack either. Doesn't mean that Perry's right, though…
"You know, if they want to pick on him they'll find something and it won't be because of anything he does or doesn't do."
Perry grumbles, taking a deep drink of his scotch before setting it heavily on the coffee table.
"What are you going to do if they do pick on him, Perry? Are you going to go down to the school and kick their asses?" He's teasing, but the glare that Perry shoots him tells him Perry's not. "Perry, you can't go around beating up every kid who picks on Jack. Then they'll just pick on him because his big scary dad defends him all the time."
"Yeah, well dance lessons certainly won't help him."
"You don't know that. Are you going to really be upset if he's not as popular as you were in school?"
"Of course not! I don't care what he does as long he's happy and healthy. And I wasn't popular," Perry snaps, before turning on the television and ending their conversation.
Perry's defensiveness surprises him a bit --- no parent wants their kid to be picked on obviously, (although if there was anyone he knew that would have argued it was good for 'character building'…), but Perry's taking it to a whole new level.
"Oh come on, Mr. Quarterback wasn't popular, you don't expect me to believe that, do you?"
Perry doesn't respond, focused in on his episode of Ice Road Truckers… He'd thought about buying the first season on DVD for Perry as a present, until Perry had come home with a copy and made him watch a marathon of it. That was a problem with Perry, who never thought that sometimes people might like to buy him things, especially poor life partners who had no idea what to get them for Christmas---
Perry's ruthlessly independent attitude had been one of the things that had attracted him years ago, but he had thought that eventually he might open up, just a little bit. Even after all these years Perry refuses to be vulnerable with him except in the very rarest of occasions.
It makes him feel useless as he watches Perry struggle with his responsibilities and have no idea what to do… He was almost tempted to go to Kelso (who seemed to make a habit of hanging out the hospital Coffeebucks now that he was retired) and ask for advice, because Perry certainly wasn't going to ask him for help, or tell him something other than "Everything's fine, Nellie, don't you have patients to misdiagnose?". These last few months have just been so frustrating---
Sighing, he goes into the bedroom to see if he can get some sleep and get rid of the last remnants of his headache. Perry will probably want to head out early tomorrow, he'd been muttering earlier about 6 AM…
***///***///***
They manage to get on the road around eight thirty, much to Perry's frustration. There just wasn't any way that Jack was going to be up and ready to go by five forty-five in the morning. Seeing it was one of J.D.'s first days off in weeks so they could take this vacation in the first place, he wasn't too eager to be up at the crack of dawn either. Then there was the ordeal of trying to pack everything into the SUV they'd rented with a hyperactive four year old running about.
As if to make up for their late start, Perry was going at least twenty miles over the speed limit. That was fine when they were still in the southern portion of the state where it was mostly straight highway and it was sunny 70 degrees outside. As they got further up north, though, the road began to wind around the mountains and there were clouds, then snow falling, it wasn't such a good thing.
"Perry, slow down," He asks for the fifteenth time as he scans the road looking for ice; even though black ice, the deadliest on roads, is invisible.
"Will you get your panties out of a wad and stop telling me how to drive? I've driven in snow before, you know, I'm not a complete So Cal moron," Perry snaps under his breath, looking in the rear view where Jack is sleeping.
J.D. was about to point out that Perry probably last drove in snow when he was in college at Rutgers and that's been almost twenty-five years ago, when fate decides to prove his point for him. He feels the back tires start to swing out to the ditch, and sees Perry out of the corner of his eye desperately trying to correct the car, overcompensating for the weight of the car---
"Let go of the wheel!"
Perry's got it in a death grip though, and then he does the worst possible thing as the car fishtails in the other direction---
He hits the brakes.
His stomach lurches as the car spins in circles onetwothree---four---five times before it finally comes to a stop perpendicular to the road. Jack's giggling in the backseat—
Thank god they didn't end up in the ditch, thank god that there were ditches on this stretch of road and not a cliff, thank god there wasn't anyone else on this road, thank god the car didn't flip, thank god they were still alive--- And Perry was probably going to make some flip remark and head out like it never even happened---
"I told you to slow down, but do you listen? NO, of course not, because you think you're Jesus H. Cox, MD and how could you ever possibly be wrong!? You could've got us killed!"
It takes a moment for the rage to clear from his eyes and the adrenaline to stop pounding through his system. Another few before he realizes that the only sound in the car is the sound of his breath rushing in and out of his chest. Jack's stopped laughing, now looking at him with a bewildered expression…
Perry is staring out the windshield, skin as white as the snow that's gently falling down around them. Only the faintest quiver of his nostrils shows that he's still breathing.
He reaches out to put a hand on Perry's shoulder --- he'd meant what he'd said but he could've been less harsh about it, nothing had happened, or come close to happening, they were lucky --- but Perry flinched back sharply before he'd even touched him.
"Perry, it's okay --- we're all okay --- why don't you let me drive and you can take a break?"
Perry nods absently, killing the engine before sliding out of the car.
***///***///***
As he sinks into the back seat, he finally lets out the breath he's been holding ever since the car began to fishtail. The problem with working the Intensive Care unit for so many years is that you get a very clear, gruesome picture of the sort of trauma associated with car accidents. Head trauma from the airbags, cracked collarbones and ribs from the seat belt, cuts from glass… and that was if they were lucky and it was only a minor collision. Broken and severed limbs, serious internal injuries if they weren't.
They weren't exactly in the middle of civilization here either, in fact he wasn't even sure he had cell reception this far up in the mountains --- a quick check of his blackberry shows one bar of reception (so, if it had been serious they were pretty much screwed) --- and three messages from Ted with an increasing number of exclamation points in each header.
Sighing again, he turns off the phone. He thought, seven months ago, that he was prepared to take over as Chief; convinced that he could just walk in that Monday morning and do the job ten times better than Kelso ever did.
He didn't know what killed him more: that he had to ask for Kelso's advice; that so far he was failing as a Chief of Medicine; or that he was finding that he hated the job he'd spent his whole career working towards.
He was used to the long hours, but back then he was at least helping people. Since being promoted to Chief it seems he never manages to get away from his desk long enough to actually practice medicine. He still led the interns on their rounds, but it just wasn't the same…
He's glad he scheduled this vacation away from the hospital. He knew J.D. was beginning to resent how much time he spent at work; and if he hadn't yet he eventually would. J.D. might have more patience and sympathy than Jordan did, but there would come a day, a missed anniversary, or birthday, and they would be over.
Things would be better, after they got away for a bit…
***///***///***
After he orients himself to his surrounding and he has a feel for the road he glances in the back seat he notices that Perry has drifted off to sleep. Even asleep, though, he looks exhausted. He knew Perry was suffering from a bit of fatigue, but it was obviously worse than he expected---
Why couldn't Perry tell him what was going on? This was so frustrating---
He's pulled out of his gloomy thoughts as he turns the final bend and sees the cabin. It's a large A-framed cabin, tucked in amongst the large pines and overlooking what looks to be a perfect sledding hill. There's a stack of wood out front and chimney peeking out one of the sides, which means they can have a cozy fire at night. It's ideal really… the perfect place to get away from everything.
***///***///***
He wakes up as he feels the car come to a stop, surprised that he managed to fall asleep during the last hour and a half of their trip. He must have been more tired than he thought, because he normally couldn't sleep in cars.
"You awake now, Daddy," Jack stage whispers to him.
"Yeah, kiddo, I'm awake."
"Poppy told me to be quiet since you were sleepin', I was extra quiet wasn't I," Jack asks, eyes blinking owlishly.
His lip curls up at Jack's pet name for J.D.; it'd taken near groveling to convince him that he hadn't taught Jack to call him that. Jack's reasons for insisting on calling J.D. 'Poppy' were known only to him. Still hilarious though.
"You were very very quiet Jack." He gives Jack's hair a quick tussle, causing him to squeal, before slipping out of the car and stretching out the kinks in his back, wincing at a particularly loud pop.
"Have a nice nap," J.D. asks, popping the trunk.
"Yeah…"
"It's a beautiful cabin."
He glances behind him, trying to remember what the place looked like in the photo. He honestly hadn't given it much thought into picking the cabin, looking only for something that was semi-remote, had a fireplace, and was suitable for three or four people.
"Good."
As he's hauling the luggage in while J.D. wrestles with Jack, trying to prevent him from jumping headfirst into the snow without so much as a coat on, he spots the cardboard box tucked in the back. He hadn't seen it when they were packing, which means J.D. must have felt the need to sneak it in--- maybe it's those plaid ruffled panties from their first Christmas together… or something new?
He's walks in the house a very carefully worded inquiry on his tongue, when he sees J.D. staring at the Christmas tree, a sense of disappointment palpable in the air.
"You bought the tree," J.D. says, with no inflection in his tone but might as well have been a screaming accusation.
"Yeah, thought it might be easier---"
"I was hoping we could go and cut one down---"
He opens his mouth to tell J.D. that if it matters sooooo much to him they can just toss this damn tree that he paid an extra hundred dollars to have put in here go out and hunt one down at the local tree farm, not that it'd look any damn different and they'd be a lot warmer if they just kept this tree--- when his cell phone rings.
Snarling he rips the phone out of pocket, groaning as he realizes he still gets reception out here, then answers.
"Speak!"
***///***///***
"Speak!"
He barely manages to suppress a moan as Perry's phone rings and he's more than half tempted to smash that stupid thing to bits. He's talking to Ted, judging from the impatient expression, as Ted stutters out whatever emergency's going on at the hospital. Whatever it is, Perry doesn't seem too concerned, just irritated. He feels resentment burning in his belly anyway because he knows Perry's going to---
"I've got to go."
He doesn't say anything for a moment, focusing on zipping up Jack's suit and helping him with his mittens, before letting him outside and warning him to stay where he can see him. After he shuts the door, he turns back to Perry, who's fidgeting guiltily.
"What happened?"
"The board caught whiff of some rich patient being admitted, they want me to treat him---" Perry sighs, running his hand through his hair.
"So you're going to leave your family, two days before Christmas, to treat some rich guy's case of the sniffles in hopes he'll give the hospital some money?"
"It's not just the sniffles, and if I didn't have to I would be right here with you---"
"The Perry Cox I knew would've told the board to, what was it you used to say? Oh, yeah 'Blow it out their ass'."
"Has Jordan been giving you unreasonable bitch lessons, Taylor, because you have to be her star pupil. You think I'm happy to be taking a four hour drive back to the hospital to coddle some wealthy moron with a case pneumonia just so the board can try and squeeze some money out of him? I would rather be here, with you and Jack, but we both knew there were going to have to be sacrifices when I took this job."
"I didn't think one of those sacrifices would be you completely selling out!"
The words land hard and vicious… Perry goes white and then pinks, trembling with barely controlled rage and the faintest hint of hurt. It's exactly the reaction he wanted, and it makes him feel like crap.
"There's an airport in town, I'll catch a flight back down to San DeFrangeles, and you can have the car," Perry says without inflection, zipping up his coat again.
Shit…
Perry manages to wrestle Jack out of the snow and back into his car seat without a fit of tears, thank god, although it's close. As they pull away from their perfect cabin, he begins to wonder….
"How do you know if they'll have a flight," He struggles to keep his voice neutral, as they drive into town.
"I made sure they did before I booked the cabin, just in case…"
He bites his tongue, hard enough that he might just draw blood. He planned for this! He knew it was going to come up! He brought Jack and I up to these mountains and is just ABANDONING us here…
He takes a deep breath, trying to think through it rationally. Perry wouldn't have deliberately planned to abandon his vacation --- he would have planned for the possibility of being called back though, so really it made sense to book a cabin near an airport that could fly him back on short notice. Although it also would have made sense to book a place that was out of cell phone reception and barely accessible…
The twenty minute ride into town was awkwardly silent, even Jack wasn't speaking. He drops Perry off at the entrance of the airport, hoping that all the flights are cancelled, or booked, or at least won't be leaving until late tonight so that he might as well stay until tomorrow morning --- his stomach drops when the caller ID on his phone says it's Perry.
"There's a flight leaving in a half hour from now with space for me on it. Hopefully, I'll be able to clear up this situation at the hospital and I'll be back tomorrow…"
"Alright, have a nice flight…" he says, even as he hopes the flight has enough turbulence that it has to return to the airport…
"Thanks," Perry mutters, before hanging up the phone.
"Poppy," Jack pipes up after they leave the airport.
He's learned not to wince every time Jack calls him that. Perry and Jordan both swear they didn't teach him to call him that --- not that it matters if they did or not because it seems he's stuck with 'Poppy' until Jack decides on something else. Although it is starting to grow on him…
"What Jack?"
"Are you mad at Daddy, Poppy?"
"I'm not mad at Daddy," He says, trying not to remember how many times he'd heard that from his own mother, when it obviously wasn't true.
"Then why were you yelling at him?"
Shit, he must have heard us… He and Jordan were trying to keep any arguments between themselves and Perry out of Jack's earshot, and for the most part he thought they were pretty successful… except today it seemed.
"Sometimes, when you're scared you get angry, and you say something you don't mean-"
"So you're not getting a divorce?"
"Of course not, Jack. Why would you think that?"
"'Cause Daddy's never home, and Billy's parents told me that if your parents are gone and fight lots that means they're going to get a divorce."
"Your daddy is just working very hard at the hospital. He got that big promotion, remember?"
"Yeah, he's the chief of the doctors…"
A faint smile comes to his face as he imagines Perry (topless, natch) dressed in tribal war paint and a huge feather headdress--- and oh god Perry look out Chief Carla of the Nurse tribe has allied herself with Chief Wen of the Surgeon tribe through marriage to Chief Wen's son Brave Turk, and they've got a---
"Then why'd you send Daddy away!? I don' wanna spend a week at Mom's, Daddy's and then your place!"
"Jack, your Daddy got a call from work telling him he had to go back. I love your Daddy very much, and he's just been very busy at work. Next year is going to be better, I promise."
Which is something else his mother, time and time again, especially in the months leading up to his parent's divorce. Technically, they wouldn't be able to get divorced as they weren't ever married in the first place, but if they broke up it would be about the same. He'd always assumed they'd last forever, but if things continued as they were---
"Are you gonna apologize?"
"For what, Jack?"
"For yellin' at Daddy. Mrs. Kaspers always makes us 'pologize to each other when we fight."
Part of him rebels at the idea; he has nothing to apologize for here, Perry's the one who said he'd go back to work and leave his family only a few days before Christmas. Except it would be a good gesture… and he shouldn't have called Perry a sell out for doing his job, if he'd gotten a call about one of his patients he would've been on that plane too. Of course he would've done it because they were his patient, not because the board told him to---
He presses Perry's speed dial, trying not to feel disappointed when it goes straight to voicemail. He probably just turned off the phone at the checkpoint, or maybe it died, or maybe he just didn't want to talk to you.
"Perry… Perry, hurry back, Jack and I miss you."
***///***///***
If there could be a bright side to Perry going back to work, it was that he finally discovered what to buy him for Christmas.
By the time he finished getting groceries in town and driving back into the mountains it was far too dark for Jack to go playing outside. The promise of finally being allowed to help decorate the tree, however, seems to be a suitable alternative.
Jack is carefully trying to stick a plastic needle through the popcorn to make the garland (and is somewhat successful, surprisingly, there isn't nearly as many broken kernels as he was expecting) as he starts to string the lights on the tree, while the Charlie Brown Christmas special plays in the background.
He saves the box that Paige sent until last, hoping that somehow Perry would be back and he could explain the significance of each ornament as they hung it on the tree --- and Perry would think it was too Hallmark and just laugh in his face.
"What's that?"
"It's some ornaments Aunt Paige sent us from when your Daddy and she were little."
"Can I help you hang them up?"
"If you're very careful, Jack, these ornaments are very old."
"As old as you, Poppy?"
"Older than your Daddy, probably."
"Whoa… that's old."
"Yeah, it is."
Fortunately they don't find too many glass ornaments in amongst the ancient yellowed newspaper. A small wooly lamb with a porcelain face (placed at the top of the tree, just as Paige had said), a faded wooden soldier, a dozen tatted snowflakes, a pair of blue hand knit infant's mittens, and a lone red glass ball with a crudely painted forest scene all find their place on the tree
At the bottom of the box he finds a crude popsicle stick frame painted bright red. At one time it probably had glitter, but all that remains of it is a lone sequin and a few faint glimmers of silver and gold.
The picture inside the frame is yellowed with age, but still fairly clear. A stern looking nun stood over twenty small children wearing gray sweaters, button down shirts with ties, and slacks or skirts depending on their gender. In the bottom corner, slightly separated from the rest of his classmates, a child with a familiar mop of curly red hair stares out with a grim expression.
"What's that," Jack asks, peering over arm eagerly.
"It's a picture of your daddy, when he was about your age--- which one do you think he is?"
"Easy," Jack crows, jabbing his finger at the photo. "Only Daddy's got clown hair like that!"
"That's right, so where do you think we should hang it on the tree?"
Jack picks a branch right in the middle, where he can still see it, but it's not too low for 'big people' either.
As he's hanging it, he notices the piece of notebook pasted to the back. Turning it over, he stares at the shaky, but tidy cursive handwriting that is so very different from Perry's usual scrawl.
It also gives him an idea of what to get Perry for Christmas. What little he's picked up about Perry's childhood, and the picture of the boy on the other side, there was probably very little Christmas cheer in his house during the holidays--- or money, judging by the worn appearance of his sweater.
So, Santa might be thirty-seven years late, but it was better late than never.
Now where was he going to find a black G.I. Joe? Maybe Chocolate Bear would know…
***///***///***
After Perry finishes reading Jack his bedtime story over the phone (something that probably was disgusting and featured a thinly veiled references, judging from the way Jack kept giggling and looking at him), they finally get some time to talk.
"How's your patient?"
"Fan-fucking-tastic, for a corpse. He went into tachycardia a couple hours after I got here, he came back a couple times, but we had to let him go."
"Sorry."
"Whatever, he was seventy-nine," Perry snaps. Perry didn't like to lose, especially to Death, but normally he was better at accepting there was nothing to be done. Something else had to be going on--- but Perry probably wouldn't tell him.
"What time does your flight come in tomorrow?"
"… I'm driving up with Jordan."
He barely manages to avoid groaning out loud at the idea. It wasn't that he didn't like Jordan, not since they'd reached a sort of truce a couple years back; he was just looking forward to spending some alone time with Perry. Having sex while his ex-wife slept across the room and their kid down the hall was hardly a turn on.
"Oh… I thought she was staying at her mother's?"
"She claims she can't stand the she-beast's hovering any more, and since I 'knocked her up again', it's my job to get her away."
"Well, technically Dr. Carey knocked her up…" He can feel himself leering slightly as he remembers sneaking into the specimen collection room to provide some "inspiration" for Perry. It had resulted in a surprisingly satisfying ten minutes for the both of them…
"You try explaining that to Jordan then…," Perry grumbles, before sighing. "This wasn't how I saw our first Christmas away going…"
"I know."
"I'm going to bed, see you tomorrow."
The phone line clicks and goes dead and J.D. sighs, before going into the bathroom to take a shower. They might as well have stayed in San DeFrangeles and saved themselves travel, the way things were going. The few days they were going to have left together they weren't likely to get a moment alone---
It's some cruel irony that when he turns on the shower-radio that All I Want for Christmas is You begins to play.
***///***///***
Fortunately the nearby town also happened to have a toy store and while their G.I. Joes didn't have "Kung Fu Grip" or "Eagle Eyes", it was the gesture, not the actual toy that was important.
He also managed to only breakdown to one of Jack's requests at the grocery store, which was no small victory, and when you thought about it, Hawaiian Punch was probably just as good for Jack as orange juice...
He's surprised to see Jordan's car parked in the driveway… Perry must have gotten her out of bed early… God he hoped Perry was in one piece, Jordan was vicious enough in the morning, without adding the hormone overload brought on by the twins…
"Mommy," Jack squeals, running to his mother eagerly, climbing next to her on the couch. "Poppy let me decorate the tree, and he bought me Hawaiian punch and we bought Daddy's present and it's a---"
"Jack, if you tell me then it's not going to be a surprise…," Jordan says in a surprisingly tender voice as she runs her fingers through Jack's hair. It's always weird, to see her be so maternal and… soft, and then---
"DJ! Why the hell did you rent a cabin without a satellite?! If I'd have known I was going to be stuck in the backwoods; I would've stayed at my mother's house!"
"Merry Christmas to you too, Jordan…" He grumbles, setting down the groceries. "Where's Perry?
"Sulking in the bedroom, like the big crybaby he is."
"What'd you do," He sighs, not looking forward to refereeing Perry and Jordan for the rest of the vacation…fun.
"Why am I always the bad guy?"
"Because it's not just a good day for you unless you've crushed someone's spirit?"
"… Fine. I didn't do anything this time, though. Per-bear's just being pissy because he got dragged before the board."
Perry was going to be in a wonderful mood then--- not that he blamed him, losing a patient sucked hard enough without the board jumping down your throat for not squeezing some extra money out of the guy before he croaked.
"So how are Rainbow and Starshine doing?"
"I don't care what I promised you to get Perry's sperm, DJ, you can forget inflicting these kids with any stupid hippy names---"
"What about 'Prudence'? Or 'Chastity'---"
"Do you want them to end up on a pole? Like anyone would believe a kid of mine and Perry's would be named something as sappy as 'Chastity' ---- now hand me the cookie dough and I won't be forced to hurt you."
He meekly hands over the cookie dough, because he values his life…
***///***///***
He manages to get Perry out of the bedroom after dinner, just in time to open a present before Jack goes to bed. Whatever happened with the board must have been major (or mayjah like Posh Spice says), because Perry's still sullen all these hours later. It was unusual for him to stew this long… where were the death threats, and the schemes of revenge---
Jack is squirming against Jordan's side, eyes drooping even as he says he's going to stay up to see Santa while Perry slouches in the loveseat staring at the tree with a blank expression.
It's like that last Christmas before his parents got divorced, only Jordan isn't passed out on the couch. Which makes him Dan… trying to keep the Christmas cheer…
He hands Perry the gift he got him, hoping that this will somehow break the gloom that's settling over them like the snow over the trees outside.
"Here's your present, Poppy. I drawed it for you!"
He smiles, taking the red construction paper card with the brightly colored Christmas tree on the front, the preschool teacher's careful handwriting on the bottom proclaiming 'Merry Christmas'.
Opening the card a sloppily folded piece of white paper slips out; unfolding it carefully reveals a marker drawing of vaguely humanoid figures. Obviously Jack got his artistic abilities from his father… where did Perry stick that plate… Fortunately they were helpfully identified at the bottom in Jack's shaky handwriting.
The purple round blob with brown hair was labeled Jordan; Perry probably didn't need to be labeled as his bright orange afro was a pretty good tip off, and then there was Papi?!
"Who's this, Jack," He asks, pointing to the skinny figure in blue with black blob of hair.
"That you, silly! See I labeled it Poppy! Mrs. Kaspers tol' me that it means 'daddy' in Spanish…"
All this time he'd thought Jack was calling him a girl's name --- the permanence that the simple word communicates, 'Daddy', especially since he was never going to be having children of his own… it is quite possibly the best Christmas present he's ever received.
"Thank you, Jack," He whispers, kissing the boy on the head.
"What the hell," Perry asks hoarsely, staring at the unwrapped present in his lap.
"It's what you wanted---"
Perry just stares at him in bewilderment and he gets the feeling he just might have made a big mistake… He pulls the photo off the tree and shows it to Perry.
"When you were ten ---- your sister sent some ornaments and inside was this with a list of what you wanted when you were ten, and I thought it might be nice, because I know things weren't so nice --- for you," His babbling winds down as Perry continues to stare at him in bafflement. "---and I'm just going to shut up now."
Perry stares at the completely articulated special edition black GI Joe commando for another long moment before tossing it aside and standing.
"Thanks," He mumbles before going back to bed.
He doesn't know what to say anymore --- and he's done with being the only one being the only one talking, the only vulnerable one in this relationship.
He's done.
***///***///***
He lies in bed beside Perry, guilt and apprehension wrestling in his stomach like rabid weasels. He's so tired of being shut out by Perry, of trying to be there for him and failing. Perry was certainly affectionate in his own way, and he had no doubts that he loved him --- but he didn't trust him with anything but the superficial. It wasn't enough anymore, to be loved but not trusted.
If he leaves though, he's giving up Jack, and the life they've formed, and the family he's always wanted --- was it worth having the family if Perry wasn't really going to be there? Relationships are about sharing, and he can't watch Perry struggle anymore and not be allowed to help…
Is Perry's love enough, anymore?
Then from the bathroom arose such a clatter--- only it wasn't reindeer in the bathtub, at least he didn't think so...
So wrapped up in his own thoughts he didn't notice when Perry had left the bed. Padding quietly into the bathroom he turns on the light, just in time to see Perry vomit into the toilet.
"…oh gawd turn that light off…"
He ignores the request, dampening a washcloth and kneeling down beside Perry, wiping the sweat and bile from his face as he comes back up for air with a gasp.
"Is it something you ate?"
"It's the goddamn flu, Florence, and turn off that light," Perry rasps, eyes squinted as he swats away the washcloth.
"I thought you got a flu shot---" Perry's silence and slightly averted gaze tell him everything, and reaches out and does something he's wanted to do for a long time---
"Owww! J.D. what the hell---" Perry moans, clutching his ear where he flicked it.
"Why the hell didn't you get your flu shot?! We work with sick people all day, why wouldn't you get one?"
"It's not like I planned this! I didn't have time---" Perry breaks off to wretch miserably in the toilet. "Hate this job, hate the hospital---" Perry moans, resting his forehead on the toilet seat.
"Think you can drink some water and make it to the bed without throwing up," he asks, offering his hand to Perry --- who doesn't take it, hauling himself up with visible effort and stumbling back into the bedroom.
Sighing, he sets a glass of water on the nightstand and a trashcan near Perry's head before grabbing his pillow and going into the front room to sleep on the couch.
***///***///***
His rest is no better on the couch than in the bed, but at least he is alone with his thoughts. God, he'd thought this whole time that Perry was just being a brat, when he'd had the flu the whole time --- stupid, stubborn ass.
Why won't he tell me anything!?!
He gives up trying to rest when he hears heavy steps come slowly down the hallway --- unfortunately from the wrong direction for it to be Perry.
"You know, you're supposed to send the man out to sleep on the couch. Of course, Perry always was a little emotional around the middle of the month---" Jordan clucks, apparently no hour is too early for her to be a bitch.
"He's sick, I wanted him to get some rest," He grumbles, sitting up and rubbing his eyes against the fluorescent lights from the kitchen.
"I thought you'd be tripping over your feet to play nurse for him."
"Yeah, well, it's not like he'd appreciate it."
He tries to block out the sound of Jordan starting the stove top and setting the kettle on and making a whole bunch of other kitchen-y noises. It's stupid to think that by simply ignoring her she's going to magically go away, but it is Christmas, and he's overdue a miracle at this point---
He's surprised when a few minutes later Jordan sets a cup of hot chocolate in front of him, taking a hearty sip of her own as she sits down across from him.
"I don't know how you could stand it…"
"I divorced him, I quite obviously couldn't stand whatever it is you're whining about this week."
"He's always shutting me out. He won't talk to me about his job, how he's feeling, hell he didn't even tell anyone he was coming down with the flu! And god forbid you try to help him or do something for him---"
"Perry's an incredibly prideful, stupid guy, who couldn't pull his head out of his own ass if you tattooed a diagram in his colon. He's not going to open up just because you really really really want him to, because that would *gasp* make him vulnerable, and you know how much our precious Per-bear hates to be teased."
"I just don't know what to do anymore... I'm sick of banging on the walls, hoping that he'll let me through."
"DJ, did you ever quit whining and begging him to be your mentor, before you realized that you just wanted more than a pat on the head from daddy?"
"I know… I know," he groans, pulling at his hair. "I'm just so tired…"
"You don't have the option of quitting because 'you're tired' anymore, not when Jack calls you Papi and you're going to be naming these two brats who seem to enjoy playing tag team wrestling with my internal organs. Perry's sick, which means, whether he likes it or not, he needs someone to take care of him, because he turns into the biggest baby whenever he's got so much as the sniffles. So put on your big girl panties and take advantage of that."
"I know, but---"
"But nothing, princess, you can't let him have his way, if you want what's best for the both you. Perry's suicidal-ly stupid when it comes to this personal crap, and you're a big basket of emotional cotton candy wanting to bandage all the world's hurts; it was never going to be easy. Eventually, enough of you will rub on to him that he won't be able to wash it off, but not if you give up."
A rousing pep speech from Jordan, it really is a Christmas miracle…
"So what do I owe you?"
"Nothing."
"You didn't give me that speech to stay with your ex-husband out of the goodness of your heart---"
"Of course I didn't, my motives were entirely selfish. Who do you think he's going to be making rabid puppy eyes at if you leave, huh? Me. 'Jorderoo, shouldn't we give these kids a nice normal family' blah blah blah blah. I like being a cougar mommy with her whipped ex-husband and his boy toy to help take care of the kids. Don't screw up my deal."
***///***///***
After he'd loaded the presents into the car and sent Jordan and Jack off to Jordan's mother to celebrate Christmas (which he would be paying for, Jordan promised), he went back in to wait for Perry to wake up. While there wasn't any television, and he'd sent all the DVDs he'd packed back with Jordan to entertain Jack, there were a few novels lying about and he quickly found himself in a pulp novel romance involving two young men and a talking white horse---
That would be nice… I'd name mine Jon, so Stephen could have buddy, and they could ride over the rainbows and straight up into that lesbian cloud in heaven…
A weary groan from down the hallway wakes him from his dream.
"How are you feeling," he asks, standing and carefully positioning himself between the bedroom and the kitchen.
"Like hell, what do you think, Betty Lou," Perry snarls quietly, shielding his eyes as he enters the light.
'Hell' seems to be a pretty apt description, judging from Perry's pale and waxy face and clouded eyes. He's walking slowly, and J.D. can almost feel his joints ache in sympathy.
Reaching out he grabs Perry by the shoulders and guides him to the couch.
"You need to be resting."
"I can take care of myself," Perry grumbles, struggling against him weakly. Any other time Perry would've picked him up and physically moved him out of the way, but if this flu had one upside, it was that it finally gave him a physical advantage.
"I know, but I want to," He insists, pushing Perry back into the couch. "I thought you'd like being waited on hand and foot…"
Perry lets out a sour snort, but eases back into the couch cushions, pulling an afghan around him.
"Do you think you can handle some juice," he asks, going into the kitchen and pulling down a glass.
"Yeah…," Perry whispers, staring around the room. "Where's Jack and the she-beast?"
"At the she-beast's mother's; Jordan said you were a miserable bore when you were sick and she'd much rather put up with her mother if it meant she got to have cable."
He sits down on the coffee table across from Perry and hands him the glass, which Perry takes a hesitant sip from, before his face screws up in a disgusted expression.
"Too soon?"
"No--- Hawaiian Punch?"
"Sorry, it's that or water for you; and you need the calories."
"It's fine --- Jack must have talked you into buying it. I haven't had any of the stuff since I was his age…Only when I was sick though," Perry's expression becomes distant, in that way it does whenever he's thinking about something he'd rather pretend didn't happen but did --- and while he desperately wants to know what that was, he knows not to push right now.
"Why did you want the black G.I. Joe," he asks instead, because it's a safer topic, and Perry's guard has slipped ever so slightly---
"I didn't."
"Then why was he on your list?"
A rare fond expression comes across Perry's face, "It was Ron's list."
"Ron--- your buddy from high school?"
"Mmmhmm… I couldn't think of anything I could write so he told me to copy off of his, got twenty strikes with the ruler for cheating."
"Why is the lamb on top of the tree?"
"What is this, interrogate the sick guy?"
"No, I'm just curious… your sister didn't explain, she just said stick it on top of the tree."
"I'm going to kill her---"
"I thought it was sweet."
"You would. You're taking advantage of my weakened state---"
"Can you blame me? It's not like you talk about anything that bugs you."
"It's not important, not like you could change anything anyway."
"Doesn't matter, it's you."
Perry grumbled to himself, but didn't say anything else.
It was a start though, and the first sign he'd seen in a long time of those walls around Perry shifting enough to let him in.
"The lamb on top of the tree, seriously it's bugging me. Why is it there?"
"No clue. I think we didn't have a star one year so we improvised --- what you were expecting some Hallmark story about it's deeper meaning?"
"--- No."
"You totally were, weren't you--- Oh, Virginia---" Perry gasps, before breaking down into a cough.
"Why don't you try to get some more sleep, alright?"
"I'm not tired---"
"Uh huh, your eyes are half-shut."
"Fine, anything to shut you up---"
"Perry, go to sleep. I'll be right here, promise."