The spymaster was a fascinating woman. Essya didn't respect humans, but Leliana had proven herself to be an honorable woman and a precious ally since she stood by Briala in the winter palace and encouraged Essya to do the right thing for the elves. even if Inquisitor Lavellan didn't consider Alienage elves to be her "people", she would never let a woman who burned elves in their homes draw another breath. hopefully, Florianne did the job. Letting the weaked exterminate each others for power was quite enjoyable.

In another universe, Leliana would have been a great keeper. Essaya thought as she entered the spymaster's office.

"Am I disturbing you?"

Leliana raised her head, she was wearing the same severe look, yet she seemed more sad than frightening.

"How can I help you, Inquisitor?"

"I can come back later if…are you writing a letter?"

"Yes"

They both remained silent. Essya fought the urge to ask for she knew that leliana was always holding the most unspeakable secrets.

"I should go"

"I was trying to write to Kallian Tabris"

"The hero of Ferelden?"

"To tell her… what happened to Loghain"

Essya frowned. How hard was it to announce to an elf that the man who wrecked her alienage was dead? Then, all of a sudden she realized.

"I knew it!" she shouted amused, "she was fucking him, that's why she kept him alive!"

Leliana had always a knife or two dissimulated under her clock, and from the glare she was sending her way, Essya could tell that the spymaster was about to throw one of them at her. The Inquisitor cleared her throat and managed to mutter something more dignified.

"I mean it explains a lot of things if we see the matter from this angle"

"From your angle Inquisitor everything seems awfully black and white"

"I didn't intend to insult your friend, Leliana"

Leliana sighed and sat back in her chair.

"You and the commander are a lovely couple. It's far easier to love what is best for us, isn't it, Inquisitor? Some people can't help falling for the wrong person, Kallian is like this"

"But it's… Loghain" Essya wanted to say "evil", "disgusting", but she opted for "loghain" as a moderate synonym of those words.

"She was younger than you when she first met Loghain at Ostagar, he said nice things to her, things that no human told her before. I remember her crying after we discovered what he was doing in the alienage, I never saw someone crying like this"

"She felt like a fool" Essya declared as if speaking to herself. Leliana continued,

"She swore she would kill him with her own hands yet her hands were shaking after she defeated him in single combat. He put a knee down and yielded and her rage disappeared. I remember Alistair exalting her to kill him, then Riordan spoke about making him a Grey Warden and her eyes lit up"

"Did you want her to execute him?"

"At the moment, no. but after that, I witnessed his hold on her growing stronger and I wished she did"

Loghain was a smart man, a gifted strategist and an excellent orator, a peasant who fought and manipulated his way through nobles and kings. A pity that Cailan was already someone else's puppet and he couldn't have any power over him, his death was inevitable if one think about it. Kallian's interest for him was also inevitable. Leliana met her father, Cyrion, and she knew then how much her friend must be tired of men who did nothing to save or to avenge the ones they love.

Loghain was a force of nature. It didn't matter how much Kallian hated him. He was what she craved.

"What happened after that?" Essya asked.

"Kallian was short tempered but kind-hearted and honorable, somehow she was everything Loghain wasn't and he seemed to appreciate this kind of women he also wasn't insensitive to her beauty"

In her last night at the royal palace, Leliana brought a bottle of wine and some petits fours to share a last jovial evening with her friend. Kallian was the most insomniac person she had known and to find her door locked made her suspicious. She got into the next room's balcony and jumped in kallian's balcony. She saw them. Her friend in bed with Loghain.

Kallian was in her hands and knees, clinging to the bed sheets. Loghain was fucking her from behind his fingers digging into her small hips while grabbing a fistful of her dark hair with his other hand. He was shoving his impressive length inside her in hard slow thrusts

It didn't take long before her hands and knees gave way underneath her. It didn't stop him from continuing to pound her, chuckling with evident satisfaction. she was lying beneath him visibly enjoying every moment as his implacable thrusts made her hips rub against the mattress until she came screaming his name.

Leliana tried not to judge but she felt angry, she felt like she could aim an arrow to the heart of that pompous bastard without any remorse. Instead, she left her a goodbye note and left the palace at dawn.

"She wrote to me after that and told me about their relationship, said that I'm the only one who won't judge her" Leliana paused, as if she was trying to remember the exact words "she said, inside each one of us exists a monster, I'm in love with the man, not the monster"

"beautiful lies we tell ourselves to justify bad choices" Essya chuckled dryly

"did the commander pay you a single compliment when you were a dalish spy suspected of murder?"

"No"

"Loghain complimented and encouraged her when she was a conscripted elf who beheaded an Arl's son"

Leliana was getting frustrated. Accusing Cullen or trying to hurt the Inquisitor wasn't her goal. She tried to tell the young hotheaded dalish that "good man" was a versatile notion... Or was she trying to convince herself.

"Well,he left me to die in Haven like Loghain left her in Ostagar. See, I can totally understand"

Leliana smiled, maybe the Inquisitor was more lucid than she looks like.

"I was concerned about her. Imagine all those dirty mongrels if they learn that the elven hero of Ferelden was sleeping with that man"

"Oh, I'll try!"

"it's not the same thing Inquisitor, you are a dalish a foreigner, you didn't live under them, their cruelty and disdain, you don't battle every day to prove to yourself that they are not your dalish taught you pride and to fight. Kallian fought against everyone to prove her value, her people, and humans. I know why she chose him, but the others will never understand. I wanted to protect her"

"I can understand that. I am sorry for what I said earlier"

"So am I…" For having felt relief when I learned he was dead.

"I leave you to your task spymaster"

"Yes"

Essay realized that no decision was going to be easy not even sending a man like Loghain to his death, and if she could go back she would let the old man live for the sake of a stranger elven woman that she would probably never meet.