"An Unusual Arrangement," a Criminal Minds fanfiction by PhantomDaae1981.
Summary: Reid comtemplates his relationship with Hotch, who is still married to Haley, while they all consent to the arrangement. A drabble, mainly written to help me deal with some issues of my own. Contains slash!
It was an unusual arrangement. Aaron Hotchner was married to his wife Haley, but he was also in an intimate relationship with Supervisory Special Agent Spencer Reid. Reid knew about Haley, of course. And Haley also knew about Reid. Hotch wasn't cheating on anybody: Haley and Reid had both consented to the arrangement. They both understood that Hotch was bisexual, and had certain needs which neither gender could fulfill on its own.
Of course, Reid was bisexual, too. And he was also allowed to have a relationship with a woman, if he so desired. Hotch had been very clear that he wanted things to be "fair." But, the truth was, Reid was happy enough with just Hotch. He didn't need a girlfriend to complete his heart.
Sometimes, Reid wished that Hotch didn't need to be with Haley. Sometimes, Reid wished that Hotch would make a home with him. But he knew that would never happen. Hotch was afraid to be "out" at the Bureau. Besides, Hotch was in love with Haley. Reid knew that. Reid accepted that. Or, at least, he tried to accept it.
There were things inside Reid's head that he never told Hotch. Like how it killed him every time he imagined Hotch and Haley making love, how he would try to predict which nights they would be intimate, how he dreaded the days when he noticed a purple mark on Hotch's neck. Reid was always so gentle with Hotch; he never had managed to leave a mark where he kissed him.
Reid supposed that Haley was Hotch's place of normalcy, a place of security. Hotch and Haley had a house, had a child, didn't have to hide their relationship in public.
Reid knew that Hotch viewed him as a sort of escape, a place to go when things got too tense at home. Reid didn't exactly understand that; how could Reid's arms be any sort of escape, when the two men saw so much horror together while at work?
Once, Reid had asked Hotch about it, and Hotch's reply had been simple: "I don't love the things we see together at work, but I love you. And you are not just the job."
There were so many less-than-attractive things about Reid, things that Hotch simply overlooked. Hotch would smile faintly when Reid rambled on with his statistics on the most obscure topics; he considered it part of Reid's charm.
And Hotch didn't even notice the scars, the old track marks, in the crook of Reid's elbow.
"I don't see the scars when I look at you, Spencer."
Reid wasn't sure how he felt when Hotch had told him that. He knew Hotch had meant it kindly, lovingly. But the scars were part of Reid, part of who he was. He wanted Hotch to love all of him, not just the nice parts.
But Reid didn't tell Hotch about his mixed feelings. He never told Hotch about the feelings he had which hurt so deeply, because he knew Hotch would only be angry. Reid's feelings were never justified, never anyone's responsibility but his own.
Sometimes, Reid tried to hint around about his mixed feelings regarding the setup of his relationship with Hotch. But such attempts only ended up with Reid crying, alone.