At any rate, Connor deserved credit for trying, Abby thought to herself miserably: credit for trying to save her from the utter humiliation she now felt. She sat on the edge of her bed, the offending book in her hand, and stared at the cover of it as she berated herself for her stupidity. Regardless of Connor's attempt to cover for her, it was her fault this time. She knew that it'd likely been hard for Connor not to say anything when, inside, he was probably bursting with glee and amazement, and she was thankful to him for his efforts, but it didn't take genius to figure out what had happened, what he'd seen, and what she'd done.

It was a good book actually, one she really liked. She'd read it at least three times, but that wasn't the point because the last time had to have been two years ago or more. She hadn't even given it a second thought in such a long time. Chasing dinosaurs really did a toll on your reading time. She knew for a fact that it wasn't her that'd taken the large covered novel out of her bookshelf and placed it strategically on her desk. This meant it'd been Connor since he'd been the last person, the only person, besides her to enter her bedroom.

And it'd been her fault that he'd even been in her room in the first place. She should've just fetched the pen for herself. That's really what had caused this whole mess in the first place. They'd been deciding what toppings they wanted on their pizza and Abby'd wanted to write everything down to make sure they had it right. The pens in the living room had all run out of ink and Abby'd scolded Connor for not throwing them out so that she knew to buy new ones. Then she decided that, since it was his fault there were no pens nearby, it was he that should have to get up off the sofa and run to her room to fetch one from the cup on her desk. He'd done so with very little complaining, but when he'd come back, he'd been unusually quiet and nervous around her, and now she knew why.

Abby sighed. Stupid, stupid, stupid, the words ran through her head. She was always a bit of a neat freak, and she liked a tidy work surface. The cup of pens on the desk was normally the only item on the desktop, unless she had a particular project she was working on at the time. So of course when she'd retired to her room to go to bed, she noticed the book sitting on the desk almost immediately. It wasn't the book itself that was the problem really; it was the piece of paper under the book that Connor had tried to hide.

She'd picked up the book and had to choke back a sob of embarrassment when she saw it. She'd completely forgotten how she'd sat at that desk only hours earlier while talking to Jenny on the phone, how she'd kept her hand occupied by thoughtlessly doodling all over a scrap piece of paper while they gossiped about men, the ARC, movies, and everything else. And now she'd gone and left that paper there on the desk for Connor to see.

If it'd been her usual doodles of lizards or sometimes snakes, life would still be good. But instead the paper was covered in dozens of little red hearts with little things written in them: things like "Connor", "Mrs. Temple," "Abby & Connor 4ever" and even "I love Connor." It hadn't exactly been the way she'd wanted him to find out.

To be perfectly honest, she'd probably not have thought anything of it had the paper still been sat on the top of her desk. She'd have crumpled it up and tossed it, forgetting that Connor had even been in the room. But he didn't know that, so he'd taken the book from her bookshelf to cover it up, hoping that she'd think she'd hidden the paper herself.

Her hands shook as she replaced the book on her shelf. The paper itself had already been torn to pieces and thrown into the trash, though she didn't know the point now. It'd been a panicked reaction, she supposed, when it'd hit her that he'd seen it.

And now she had to decide what to do. She could confront him on it, but really, what would she say? She could ignore it, pretend that the book had done the trick and that she didn't know he knew. It was the easiest option for sure, but it didn't change the fact that he knew, and more than likely he'd be tiptoeing around her nervously and awkwardly for the next month like he'd been tonight, wondering if he should confront her or not. Abby winced at the thought, and went back to the first option: confronting him.

She wondered a bit, as she thought about it, what she was so scared of. Really, it wasn't like her feelings for him weren't returned. Connor had never been overly subtle with his hints that he liked her. In some ways she had even wanted him to know. She'd just been scared to tell him, hadn't known how or what to say. Now he knew, and maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe her mistake was a lucky one, maybe it'd helped her out.

The thought relaxed her a tiny bit, but she was still terrified: far more terrified than anyone who dealt with dinosaurs for a living ever had a right to be.

She took a deep breath and shakily left her room, wanting nothing more than to get this over and done with so that things could go back to the way they were. Then again, after this particular talk, they might not go back to how they were, she mused, and that could be either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on Connor's thoughts. Oh she knew he loved her, she just didn't know if he was ready to admit it after she'd shut him out for so long.

She caught him halfway up the stairs to the loft, heading for bed himself.

"Connor," she called to him.

He stopped in his tracks and looked over the rail to her, but he didn't say anything.

"Connor, I think we need to talk, yeah?"

He nodded nervously and turned around, slowly coming back down the stairs toward her. " 'bout what, Abs?" he asked, fiddling with the fingerless gloves on his hand and avoiding all eye contact with her.

"About this for one," she responded, gesturing towards him. "About how you're all nervous and awkward around me tonight. What's going on?" She willed him to tell her.

He didn't, he shook his head vehemently. "It's nothing, Abs. Tired is all."

"Usually," Abby said, taking him by the elbow and leading him to the living room so they could sit on the sofa. "Usually, when you act like this, it's because you've done something you don't want me to know about."

"I didn't do anything, Abs, I swear!" Connor protested.

"Okaaay," Abby drew out the word, stalling for time as she summoned her courage. "Okay, then maybe you think I've done something, and you don't want me to know I did it."

The deer in the headlights look told her that this was exactly what he thought and confirmed for her what she already knew. He didn't say anything though, and Abby wondered why he was so nervous when it was her that'd messed up. Isn't this what he wanted?

What if it wasn't? The thought left her almost panicked again. After all, it had been a long time since he'd hit on her. What if the reason he'd not said anything wasn't to her was because he didn't love her anymore. As the doubts flooded her, she suddenly wanted to back out of this, to run back to her room and hide. He was still staring at her, not saying a word.

And then she did get up, she did leave, but only for a moment, because she wasn't a coward. She composed herself, retrieved the book from her room, and handed it to him. "Do you recognize this book, Connor?"

A puzzled look crossed his face. He shook his head vehemently. "No."

He wasn't lying. Abby saw that and she smiled a bit. He'd obviously been in such a rush to cover the paper up that he hadn't even looked to see what book he'd grabbed, and now he was staring at it, confused.

"Really?" she asked. "It's a good book, but I've not read it in years. It was sitting on my desk and I know I didn't put it there."

Connor dropped the book like a hot potato as he realised what she was getting at. "I didn't either, Abs."

Abby frowned, because now he was lying, he was lying through his teeth, and she didn't like that fact one bit. "So you didn't take it from my bookshelf and put it on my desk to cover something that I accidentally left out?"

Connor shook his head again, his eyes refusing to meet hers. "No! Abs, I-I don't know what you're talking about. Can I go to bed now, please?"

Abby turned away quickly so that he didn't see how much his denial hurt her and nodded. "Fine, yes, I'm tired too," she said. Then she quickly added, "Must be imagining things is all," to let him off the hook a bit before storming back to her own room too.

As soon as the door closed behind her, she let the tears fall. She thought Connor would've wanted to talk about it, to hear her admit that she loved him too. Turned out he didn't want anything to do with it. She muffled her sobs with her pillow, not wanting Connor to hear.

Abby groaned at her appearance in the mirror the next morning. Her eyes were puffy and red and had bags under them. She'd cried herself to sleep and even after she'd finally drifted off, she'd suffered nightmares all night: dreams that consisted of people close to her telling her she was useless and unlovable.

Now morning had finally arrived and she still felt a bit weepy and almost betrayed. The other people in her dreams, old boyfriends, her parents, teachers, etc… well, that was normal. She'd grown up hearing those kinds of things from them. But now Connor's face was in the mixture and that hurt more than she could bear. She'd come to depend on him to be her lifeline, her one ray of light. Connor was loyal to her. He'd never stop loving her, or so she'd thought.

Now the only thing she felt she could do was to mask her emotions and pretend that she was okay. She'd act like nothing had happened and hopefully he'd go back to acting like her best pal at least. She frowned at the mirror; it was going to take a lot of makeup to mask her emotions today.

It felt like Abby's worst nightmares were coming true. Connor didn't right out tell her he didn't love her, but he was still acting awkward and weird around her, and he was pushing her away with everything he said and did. She'd tried to make it up to him by making him his favourite breakfast of French Toast, but he'd only eyed it suspiciously and informed her that she "didn't have to do that": a fact that she was actually well aware of. At least he ate it.

He'd sat as far from her as possible and when she asked if he wanted to walk to work with her, he'd declined. He hadn't visited her lab once at work, and when she'd come to check on him at the ADD he'd told her he was actually too busy to talk to her right then. Then he'd stayed at the ARC later and bummed a ride home with one of the lab techs instead of walking back with her too. The final straw came when he cancelled their movie night tradition. It'd even been his turn to choose, but he said he wanted to finish his book instead and retired to the loft.

Abby chose one of his all-time favourite movies to watch and made a big batch of popcorn, hoping to lure him back downstairs, but he didn't take the bait and she wound up watching Star Wars all by herself, something she really never thought she'd ever do.

The next few days didn't get any better. It seemed that the more Abby tried to draw Connor to her, the more he pushed her away. She was starting to feel downright depressed and she didn't understand why he was acting like this, only that it had started when he'd seen her doodles.

After having a lie-in on Saturday morning, she awoke to find him playing video games and she watched him for a bit, secretly, as she made her breakfast. Even this was wrong because he normally made breakfast for her on the weekends. She took a deep breath and moved to sit beside him on the couch, desperate to make things right and not knowing how.

In the end, she simply asked him, "Maybe I can play too?"

Connor looked at her and shrugged, tossing her the controller in his hand. "Go for it, she's all yours. I've got other stuff to do."

Abby frowned, "I meant I'd play with you, two players."

"I'm busy, Abs."

She felt the tears spring to her eyes and didn't try to hide them this time. "Connor, please, we really need to talk."

He sighed and, to her relief, he nodded. "Yeah, you're right, we do. I have something that I need to tell you, Abs."

She inhaled, happy he was going to talk about it finally. This was it. He'd tell her he'd seen the drawings after all, but that he just wasn't in love with her anymore, and she could tell him that it was okay, it'd be fine and they could still be pals, just like they could when the feelings were reversed, and then everything would go back to normal.

Only the words that came out of his mouth were so sudden, so unexpected, and so hurtful that she felt like she'd been punched in the stomach, multiple times.

"I'm moving out, Abs."

"What?" The question came out in a stunned, hoarse whisper.

"You heard me. This isn't working anymore, Abs. I need to leave."

She didn't care that she was openly sobbing now. She wanted to beg him to stay, to ask him why and what she'd done wrong. She wanted to ask him what it was about her that made everyone turn their back on her eventually, abandon her, but she couldn't find the words. Instead all she could manage was a choked, "When?"

He looked away and shrugged, "As soon as I've got somewhere else to go, I guess. I saw an ad for a place that opens up next week, so maybe then."

She'd lost him then, she couldn't get him back this time, it was too late. And this was all because of a stupid pen and paper. She stared at him in silence for a moment, willing him to tell her that it was some mean prank that'd gone too far, but nothing came. Finally she stood up and wiped the tears with the back of her hand and mumbled something about him still having to pay the month's rent before slinking back to her bedroom.

This time the absent-mindedly doodled hearts were done in black ink and they were pierced with arrows and dripping blood. The little scripts inside them read much the same as the ones she'd drawn while the teachers were talking back in her high school days: Connor hates me, I hate me, I wish I was dead, I'm worthless, I deserve to die, What did I do? Life sucks, everyone hates me, etc. She was sitting on one of the bar stools in the kitchen eating a snack and she'd not really noticed she was drawing them, she never did, it was just a habit to doodle when her mind wandered.

When she finally noticed what she was doing, she stared at the paper in front of her a bit longer, reading what she'd written and then purposely drew one more in red, thoughtfully writing in it I still love and need Connor.

Connor walked in at that moment and Abby quickly moved to hide the paper from him, but then changed her mind. Why bother now? He already knew she loved him, let him see what he was doing to her, let him see how much he'd hurt her. If he was going to betray her in this way, at least he should feel bad about doing it. She left the paper where it was sitting and stormed out of the room without so much as a good night to him. It wouldn't have mattered if she had said it, she thought to herself, as he was unlikely to respond.

She grabbed her pyjamas and moved to the bathroom to shower. She stayed there for a long time before finally emerging and heading back to her room, but something halted her on the way. She stood, stunned, in the kitchen doorway as she watched Connor sobbing with his head buried in his arms on the counter, her drawings crumpled in his fist.

And now she was torn in two. Half of her wanted to go and comfort him, to tell him it was okay, that really, she was fine. The other half wanted to leave him to his tears like he'd done with her. Let him cry himself to sleep this time. It was him that had hurt her. But she loved him and the first half won over. She cautiously crept up and placed her palm gently on his back. Immediately he sat up and looked at her, eyeing her pyjamas for a moment.

"Go get dressed, Abs," he ordered firmly, wiping the tears from his eyes. "I'm taking you somewhere."

She hadn't known what she expected when she'd come to comfort him, but that wasn't it. He sounded stern, maybe even angry but she wasn't sure about that. Her eyes searched his, questioningly, as she asked where they were going, but he hadn't responded. Instead he only told her to hurry up. And so she did.

It was already late by the time they got into the car. Abby tried asking him again where they were going, but he still refused to answer as he started to drive. She stared out the window as he pulled onto the M25 and sped up. They were both silent then and Abby let her thoughts wander, wondering what to make of this new outcome. Eventually Connor turned off the motorway and started driving through a smaller town, taking less travelled and less maintained roads. The car twisted and turned, taking foreign routes and paths and Abby lost all track of the way they had come. She glanced at the clock and was surprised to find that it was two in the morning and they'd been driving for hours.

"Connor, where are we?" she asked finally, breaking the silence that was somehow both comfortable and awkward at the same time.

He still didn't answer her, but suddenly he pulled the car over to the side of the road and climbed out. Abby stayed seated, not sure what was going on, until he came and opened her door too.

"Out," he ordered in the same demanding and un-Connor-like tone he'd taken with her before.

She obeyed, knowing that now was not the time to argue with him. Once out of the car, she took a good look at her surroundings. They were on a partially paved but still gravely road that was lined with thick trees and seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. Connor grabbed a torch from the glove compartment and then ordered for her to follow him before heading off into the brush on foot.

"Connor, this is crazy," she noted as she tagged after him, but he still ignored her until they'd gone far enough from the road that they could no longer see it.

He stopped then for a moment and Abby did too, wondering what he was planning now. And then suddenly she gasped in shock as she felt him roughly push her against the nearest tree, his lips crashing down on hers almost violently as he snogged her hard and desperately.

"Connor," she managed to get out before succumbing to the kiss, deepening it even. Her hands grasped at his hair, pulling him closer as she let loose all her pent up emotions in the kiss. She knew she was crying and so was he, she could taste the salty tears, but they didn't stop until they both needed to breathe. When he did let her go, she collapsed onto the ground, sitting with her back against the tree's trunk.

Connor stayed standing, running his fingers through his hair in a frustrated gesture. Neither of them spoke for a few moments and it was Connor that finally broke the silence first.

"I'm sorry, Abs," he whispered, his voice hoarse, but more like his old self again. He sat down beside her and wrapped her into his arms. "I just… Never, never think that I don't love you, okay?"

"But…" she protested, the way he'd been acting lately running through her head.

He put a finger to her lips. "I know, Abs. Don't you get it though? Don't you understand how hard it is for me? How you confuse me? You think it doesn't hurt me? You say you just want to be friends, you push me away all the time, Abby. I thought I could do it, I thought I could handle it for your sake. But then I find out that you love me? Yes, you were right, I saw the paper. Abby, how am I supposed to take that? If you love me, then why don't you want me? Am I not good enough to be seen with you? Is that it?"

"Connor…" Abby started to protest, but he shook his head, indicating he wasn't done, and she decided to let him finish this time.

"Abby, it hurts to be in love and to not be with the person you love. I know that from experience, so to think that you were going through that too then, well I couldn't bear it. I can't stand to watch you be in love with me when you can't have me and honestly, I don't know why you can't but it's your choice, not mine. All I know is that I can't not act on my feelings for you when I know how you feel. That's asking too much from me Abs, and I need to get away from you before I do something stupid."

"Stupid like driving three hours to snog me under an evergreen tree?"

Connor blushed a bit at her teasing but nodded, "Yeah, like that. I just… I didn't want you think I didn't love you Abs. I didn't mean to hurt you, honest. I mean, I knew I was, but I didn't know how badly and it was either that or make a move on you and seeing as how often you've told me to back off I figured that making a move'd probably be means for you to call the coppers or something. But when I saw the new paper I had to do something Abby, because I didn't never meant for you to feel all those terrible things."

"I didn't mean to hurt you either Connor," Abby whispered back, the enormity of what he was trying to tell her starting to sink in. He did still love her then. He'd just not understood that she wanted a relationship with him. For that matter, it wasn't even something she'd really considered herself. He was right, if she thought about it. Even just a couple hours before he'd found that first piece of paper, she'd rudely told him that he'd never get a girl if he didn't start tidying up after himself. She'd never made any indication to him that she might want him; it was no wonder he'd been confused.

They both fell silent again. Abby knew that nothing had been resolved yet and that it was up to her either let him know that she accepted him as her boyfriend, or release him to move out and get on with his life. It'd be impossible to go back to they way things had been before all this had happened now, but strangely enough, the thought of being in a relationship didn't scare her now. The only thing that scared her was losing her Connor and she was relieved and thrilled that she had another chance.

"Connor, where are we?" she asked again, persistently delaying because, despite all this, she was still Abby after all and it was part of her nature to take control of the situation by making him squirm and wait, if even for just a couple minutes.

"Haven't the foggiest," he admitted. "I just needed to get out and drive."

"Right," she groaned. "Well this should make for an interesting drive home, I suppose."

"Yep," he nodded.

"And when I say home," she announced firmly, "I mean our home, Connor, because there is no way I'm letting you move out after you snogged me senseless."

He glanced at her sidelong and nodded, a grin spreading across his face, "Then you'd better expect a lot more kisses where that one came from, Abby."

She nodded, "Yeah, Connor, I think I'm actually okay with that."

"So we're good?" he asked tentatively. "You aren't still thinking all those crazy terrible things you wrote on that paper?"

Abby shook her head, "No… just the one thing in the big red heart in the middle."

Connor smiled, "Good. I actually liked that one."

"Thought you might," she smiled back and she initiated the kiss this time.

Two days later Abby smiled to herself as she snuck up on Connor for a surprise kiss at the ADD and found him drawing big red hearts with her name in them.