Reality Is Something Open For Discussion
It wasn't hard to let go – he had wanted it since the first beginning. What was hard was getting his eyes to open again after that. He wanted to allow himself to sink into forgetfulness, but the sounds were calling for him. It didn't sound like hospital monitors and screams of doctors and nurses – it sounded domestic, and there was the laughter of children and a smell of fresh baked bread in the air.
Slowly, Mark opened his eyes.
And around him, there was no white sterility that characterized both hospitals and the usual after-life crap. The bed was soft, but the sheets were decidedly creamy, and the walls painted in turquoise blue against dark paneling wood. There were too many things lying around, and it felt absolutely alien, and at the same time, it felt like home. Maybe this was home – a new home and maybe the sound of laughter were Sophia and Zola running from Tuck while someone – maybe Bailey? – cooked them a nice dinner.
The curiosity made him stand up – easily, as if he hadn't just been dying. The floor was cold, and he couldn't find anything to put his feet into. As he descended the stairs, the sound of children became closer, apparently in the kitchen, and Mark decided that this was where he should be.
He had been expecting a foreign place, but this felt much like Meredith's house – in an impossible time that never had come. Two twin girls looked up as soon as he entered the room – dark hair and blue eyes so like him that he stopped for a moment, wondering if he had gotten insane. A slightly older boy, probably around eight, walked through the other door and smiled at him – just like him, except for his green eyes.
"Mom, he's up" he said, running out again.
Mark couldn't think, didn't want to think, and didn't want to wonder – yet, he couldn't avoid the pain in his heart in knowing that whatever it was, it wasn't anywhere near what he wanted.
This made everything much more painful when Lexie Grey walked into the kitchen and dropped the big green leaves in the floor as she saw him.
"You're dead" he whispered, clutching his head, as she walked towards him.
"You shouldn't have come so soon" she said, throwing herself at him, and kissing him. He could feel her as if she were real – her mouth tasted the same as ever, she smelled as she always had, the softness of her lips and the tightness of her embrace although she could barely circle them around him.
Lexie's fingers run through his hair, and for just a moment, he let himself go, let himself get lost in the moment, enjoying every second of it. For just one moment, he could forget what had happened and hold her tight, feeling the love he had denied for so long, but as she pulled away, the reality came crumbling in.
"Lexie…" he said, holding her face between his hands. "You died", Mark pleaded, wanting her to understand that his was impossible.
She nodded, still looking at him, a small smile in her lips.
"And I… I was dying" he said, letting go of her. "Is this the last high of my body before I go?"
Her smile was tight and understanding.
"No. This is… after that."
He snorted – for Mark was a man of science, and he never believed in any sort of after-life, and surely wasn't going to start believing it now.
"I'm not… No. This isn't real."
"And what defines real?" she asked, holding his hand. "You can think, and you can feel, and you have all your senses working – how is it not real? Maybe this is what's really real, and before… Was something else, a dark reflex of what should have been?"
Mark shook his head, denying it.
"We never… We never had a house. We never had children" he nodded toward the girls, who giggled at him.
"No, but we should have, so here they are" said Lexie, still smiling. "Lena and Dora; and Lucas" she moved her head a bit to the side. "He calls me mom, but he's actually Addison's" she added, pulling him toward the children.
"Addison?" Mark asked, and Lexie gripped his arm tighter. "But she… He never…"
"Here he did" was her answer, her voice simple. "She did… And so here he is. You'll notice there's no Sophia" she added, after a bit. "But that's good – she's in good hands."
Mark looked at her, holding Lexie with all his force, wishing it to be real, and not believing it.
"This can't be."
Lexie just smiled touching his hair lightly.
"And yet, it is. As it should have been – as it was meant to be."
Mark looked at her, and he knew, in that very moment, that she was real – not a dream, not a memory, not a shadow, but something real in some sort of impossible way – and he kissed her, and held her close before reaching for the children with tears on his eyes, and it was so simple – so right, and the love overwhelmed him quickly, even if some part of him thought this was an awful trick of his brain.
It didn't matter anymore because it was as it should have been.
This was what he could never let go – whether he lived or he died.
This is what was right.
Just this, and it was enough.