HEY GUYS! ;D
So basically, I'm in love with the song Our Deal by Best Coast. I found out about it because I'm so in lesbian love with Chloe Moretz lmfao;), that I was looking her up on tumblr and found out she was in the music video for the song, which also stars Miranda Cosgrove, and was directed by Drew Barrymore! It's really good and heartbreaking, you should check it out if you haven't already :) But anyway, I didn't like the song at all when I first heard it, it takes some getting used to, believe me. But when you actually get used to the strangeness of it, and listen to the lyrics, it's pretty relate-able on most levels. And when I hear it, I can't help but compare it to the whole Seddie situation. I mean come on, two people liking each other, but having too much pride, or not wanting to ruin their friendship, or ruin their rep, just in general refusing to tell each other? That screams Seddie.
So if you haven't heard this song, PLEASE give it a go. It's one of those weird songs that you grow to love, but when you play it to other people they don't really get it and think it's weird haha :) But that's okay cause it makes it feel like it's kinda my own :) (I DON'T ACTUALLY OWN IT, PLZ DON'T SUE ME)
So yeah, this is one of the longest things I've ever written that follows a storyline with a good solid beginning, middle and end haha. Pretty proud of it, I actually really like it:) I sent it to a friend and she loved it, so :)
Okay! Long intro is long, sorry bout that!
In this, the Seddie arc never happened.
Enjoy, & please review! (Reviews make my whole day ahw)
Carly was freaking out.
Sam had been gone for hours, leaving no clue as to where she had gone, her phone was switched off, no way of finding her.
Of course, Freddie knew where she was.
He could have told Carly, but he knew that would ruin things for Sam. You see, he had stumbled across Sam's hiding place a few years ago, by accident. He had come up to the roof to try out his new DSLR camera on the stunning Seattle night life view, and had saw her sitting there. She had looked beautiful, like something out of a movie or a picture, her soft curls being gentley tousled by the wind, sitting in an old deckchair, one leg underneath her and the other one swinging lazily and slowly to the music coming from the speakers she had manged to set up. He could still remember the song playing, Our Deal by Best Coast. To this day it was one of his favourites.
He had taken a picture of the scene before she even noticed he was there, and she heard the snap of the camera and turned around. She saw it was him, and actually smiled. When asked why she was smiling, she said because this was her special hiding place from the world, and she was glad it was only him that had discovered it, because she wasn't afraid to beat the shit out of him if he told anyone about it, but Carly on the other hand, was a different matter.
She had offered him to join her, and he had sat on the roof cross legged beside her chair and just listened to the song in blissful silence with her. The lyrics were tattoo-ed into his brain now:
'I wish you would tell me, how you really feel. But you'll never tell me, cause that's not our deal.'
And from that night on, he had known that whenever Sam had her phone turned off for a couple hours, she would be on the roof, listening to that soothing song, escaping the real world herself for a few hours as she watched life around her carry on. He had to admit it was magical up there, and sometimes he would get the guts to join her. He didn't know why he was so shy when it came to it... She always let him. Up there with Sam, watching the traffic and bright lights below, hearing the soft music, it almost seemed like time stopped for them, even as they watched it carry on for the rest of Seattle. It was an amazing feeling.
So tonight, he knew not to be worried about Sam. He just had to try and make up a seemingly legitimate reason for her dissaperance in order to reassure Carly of her safety.
'Oh, I know where she is. She's gone for a therapy session with her mom, and they have to turn their phones off in there. She told me earlier, I forgot to tell you.' He lied smoothly. He had, after all, learnt from the best.
'Oh... I guess that makes sense.' Carly frowned. 'Well, do you know what time she gets out?' She asked.
'Not too sure, but you know Sam and her mom. They have a few issues... They could be there a couple more hours yet.' He said, shrugging easily.
'True.' Carly laughed... He had her fooled alright.
'Well, I'm gonna head home, still have some homework I have to do.' Of course, another lie, his homework was already completed the day he got it, as always.
'Okay, seeya!' She waved, bounding upstairs to her room, knowing he'd show himself out.
'Seeya Freddster.' Spencer waved from the kitchen.
'Bye!' He called, closing the door behind him with a wave.
He took a deep breath, and headed for the roof.
'Hey.' She said softly, barely audible over the music.
~I wish you would tell me, how you really feel. But you'll never tell me, cause that's not our deal.~
It was always the same song, and of that it was glad. While everything moved forward in the world so quickly, what they had right here never changed. 'Mind if I join you?' She smiled and moved over, allowing him room. Okay, one thing had changed. He had been upgraded from the floor to the deck chair, and she would curl up around him. But even that had taken time, and he loved being tangled up with her, looking out on the world like this.
'This is perfect.' He sighed into her hair. She only nodded into his chest, watching some birds swoop by slowly. He knew she was close to falling asleep, so he stroked her head softly to help send her off. He loved it when she did this almost as much as when she was awake, the feeling of her chest rising and falling against his own, the sound of her breathy little sleep sighs. Every time they were up here, this song nearly sent him to sleep too. But he never ended up actually falling like she did, because he analyzed too much. He over thought the lyrics of the song, turning them upside down and over in his mind, seeing the deeper meaning.
Why did she always choose to play this song? What was her obsession with it? Sure, it was soothing and a beautiful, lovely song, but didn't all songs get boring in the end?
Not ones you could relate to... That's what he had found. As he never himself seemed to tire of it.
'I wish you could tell me, how you really feel.'
Did she think that? About who? He hoped, dared to think it was of him. Because he was the only person she would allow up here with her.
She sat in his arms countless nights and sunrises on this roof, listening to this song with him. Was she trying to send him a message?
He knew how he felt for her. His feelings were so strong he couldn't help but be sure. It was love. Pure, stupid, reckless, teenage love. To others it meant nothing, but to him the world.
Since the break up, she still had every power over him. He still felt the same passion he did in that lift the night of the break up. And hadn't she said she loved him back? So that meant there was a possibility it was likely, what with what happened out here on the roof.
It was hard not to fall in love with eachother.
'But you'll never tell me, cause that's not our deal.'
He was afraid that the lyrics were true to them and their situation. Both as stubborn as the other, they could refuse to admit their feelings forever. No matter how many times she fell asleep in his arms like this, she would never wake up and kiss him, tell him what she felt. They felt the unspoken 'deal' between them of never talking about their feelings. They were so in love, yet so unwilling to embrace it. They got up from this deck chair and carried on with their normal lives, the events on the roof left remaning unspoken. He wanted to break their deal with all his heart, but doubts pulled him back.
What if she just liked the song, and the vibe it gave out? Maybe the lyrics weren't important to her, maybe it was just a blissful song for a blissful place. Maybe that's all there was to it.
So if he went and said something stupid like his true feelings for the blonde headed demon, it could ruin everything. Make things awkward. Their escapes to the roof from the world would stop. He would have nothing to look forward to anymore. And so he couldn't put that in peril, jepordise these perfect, precious moments with Sam.
He just couldn't bring himself to do it.
He just couldn't.
One morning, they had both turned up to watch the sunrise. She was nestled sideways intbetween his legs, her two legs swung over one of his. He was holding her around the waist, his thumbs tracing infinity signs into her sides. (He hoped she thought they were just circles.)
'We could stay up here all day you know.' He said softly into her ear. She smiled lazily. 'Carly's in Yakima with Spence and her Granddad, my mom's out of town at a convention...' He continued, brushing some hair away from her face and tucking it behind her ear.
'Okay.' She nodded, looking at him. The light from the sun reflected in her eyes and he felt all warm inside. A whole day alone with Sam, in this amazing hiding place? He got to listen to his favourite song over and over again as well. He seemed to forget all of his worries and stress up here. It was like they had nothing to do, no where to be, nothing to say. Sometimes he even dreamed he was up here.
'How can a place be this perfect?' She sighed, the whole of Seattle bathed in the orange, warm colours of the sunrise.
'I'm so glad we have this place. Just to ourselves. No one else.' He said, stroking her leg softly.
'I know...' She smiled, leaning into his chest. 'Phones off?' She asked.
'Check. Yours?'
'Ditto.'
'Good. Then let the perfect day begin.' He chuckled.
It had been about four hours, of lazy conversation and warmness and lyrics that held so much significance and being tangled up in eachother. He had felt the need to tell her his feelings growing stronger with each hour that passed. Surely now was the perfect time to do it?
But the same doubts as before held him back, and he battled it out in his mind for another hour. Sam had now fallen asleep on him again, and he was cradling her gently. He had apparently underestimated the power of this song though, as it softly blended it's way through the air amongst the traffic and people below, he felt himself fall to sleep up there for the first time, the sun's rays warming his face and his heartbeat slowing so that is was almost in sync with a sleeping Sam's.
When they woke up a few hours later, it was still light out. She had woken up first, and chuckled quietly, having never have seen him asleep up here before. He had woken up a few minutes later when she wriggled a little to try and get rid of the numbness in her butt and the pins and needles in her feet. 'Hey.' She smiled.
'Hey... I actually fell asleep up here. That's kinda nice... Wait, have we wasted the day?'
'Nah, we still got time left. It's only about 2.' She laughed. The song played on in the background as he thought about his earlier plans.
'Sam... Why do you love this song so much?'
She looked down, and then out to Seattle view. 'I don't know. It just seems to suit this place you know?' She said. He agreed - it did. But he could tell by the look in her eyes that there was something she was keeping from him.
He leaned forward and kissed her softly. It lasted for a few seconds before he pulled away, leaving her looking shocked.
'Freddie, I-'
'I love you Sam. I've waited so long to say it... And now seemed like the perfect time...' He paused, waiting for her to respond. She didn't. 'Please tell me I've made the right decision. That you feel the same.'
'I don't know.' She whispered, looking down. Quietly, she got up from his lap and left the roof.
He sat there by himself, the song still playing... And he suddenly hated everything. He got up, turning the stupid song off that he never wanted to hear again. How could he have given in? Ruined everything that they had?
He had been so stupid. This was a place for her to escape everything, and he had brought drama into it. He should have turned and walked away the first time he saw her up here. He was so naive to think that the song was about them. She just liked it. She was playing it before he even joined her up here the first time. This place was hers. Not theirs. And he was wrong to have fooled himself about it.
He left the roof.
He didn't see Sam on the roof after that. She had been accepted into some school in LA called Hollywood Arts, and left the following month. He never mentioned what had happened that day to her, but he checked the roof for her every morning and night nonetheless. It broke his heart every time to see the deckchair still folded up underneath the sheltered part of the roof, along with the CD player, no longer plugged in. She was never there.
The day she left, she gave him a long, tight hug. She had breathed, 'I'm so sorry' into his ear but they both knew it wasn't enough. He refused to cry. It was his fault.
He broke their deal.
Years passed. He never visited the roof after she left. He couldn't face it.
He got into the college of his dreams, moved out from Bushwell Plaza, eventually even lost touch with Carly, apart from the odd phone call and email every now and again. A christmas and birthday card would arrive at his dorm every year, signed from Carls and Spence.
But never one from her.
He met someone else. A girl named Hailey. She was shy, mature, kind, willing to settle... Everything SHE wasn't.
He fell in 'love'.
Everytime he thought about it, he couldn't help but think of it as 'love' instead of love. He was trying to stop, but... He wasn't sure he wanted love anyway. They were together years. They brought a proper house as soon as he got a job as a CEO, got married.
Tried to forget.
(He couldn't.)
He had come back to visit his mom. Spencer still lived across the hall, and Carly could come see him too. It would almost be like old times.
Except SHE wasn't there.
The whole trip, something was pulling him towards the roof. As if she was there, waiting for him. He made his excuses one night, saying he was tired and wanted to go to bed early.
He left, and headed for the roof. He almost ran up the stairs, too impatient to wait for the lift, and threw the doors open...
She wasn't there.
What was he expecting? Her to be sitting in the deck chair, the song playing, like she'd never even been to Hollywood? He had been so stupid. It was then that he saw the old deck chair, still leaning up the wall. The CD player exactly where he had left it. He felt every emotion he'd had about this whole thing rise up in him.
He grabbed the chair, positioned it in it's old spot, plugged in the CD player, and hit play. He sat down and as the song burst into life, he allowed himself to finally cry.
It all came out in such a rush. He leaned forward, sobbing uncontrollably. tears dripping onto his shirt and soaking his hands. He couldn't see, didn't want to see. He kept his eyes squeeed shut, seeing only Sam, hearing only this song, wanting nothing more than it all back.
He cried for over an hour, the song taunting him.
~That's not my deal, that's not your deal, that's not my deal, that's not your deal~
He had completely broken down, lost all control with no way of stopping it, the tears seemingly never ending, hiccuping violently, shaking...
By about midnight, he had managed to calm down. This song always had made him calm, always soothed him. It was like a remedy.
He had forgotten, because he hadn't heard it since that night.
But it always won him over.
A blessing and a curse.
He had been home for about 2 weeks, and he had just about been able to push back the memories of his recent trip to the roof to the back of his mind. He was driving home from work, blasting his favourite radio station, that played the old classics he liked from his childhood, such as Cuttle Fish. He was in a bad mood because he was going through a rough patch with Hailey, (a rough patch which had lasted several months now, with her screaming and shouting and just being a bitch) and was trying to convince himself not to just leave the damned woman.
Freddie was about halfway home when the song came on.
When you leave me
The bed is empty
And I feel crazy
Cause I didn't say anything
I wish you would tell me how you really feel
But you'll never tell me
Cause that's not our deal
Nothing could have prepared him for that. It was like a punch in the face. Why was this song on the radio? It was one of the most unheard songs ever. He felt the tears rising up and he was forced to pull over into a shopping centre car park.
He sat in the glow of the street lamps and had one thought; 'It's a sign.'
He had been thinking about leaving his wife for some time and this was the last straw, he knew that if this song still made him so hysterical over Sam then he was just fooling himself and hurting his wife. The sooner he left her, the better.
He was already crying, silent tears running down his face. He needed Sam.
He had recieved the letter late one Wednesday evening, when he had finally gone through the mail. The word 'Freddo' was scrawled over the envelope in careless writing and he knew at once who the sender was.
He ripped it open in the privacy of the locked bathroom, eager to hear from her.
'Dear Freddie,
I'm sorry it took so long to send this. Been years, huh?
I know I kinda dissapeared, and I have no right to expect you to understand... But I was so scared. Yeah, that's right, I, Sam, was actually scared. It was just that nothing changed up on that roof. I could depend on it, you and me, to always be the same, to be my escape. When you kissed me I just... I didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle anything serious at that point. I loved what we had at that time, there was no implications. No labels. Just you, me, the roof, and that song. It was all so perfect...
I want you to know that I regret walking away so so much Freddie. I drifted from you out of shame, embarrasment, and fright. I was so convinced you hated me for ruining things that night, I would have been furious if I were you... And then when I got accepted into that school, it was so easy to just run away from it all. But I was wrong. Every moments been harder than the last. I can't forget you, or the roof, or the song, or that damn night.
I've tried so hard. Carly told me you're happily married now.
I don't know how to react... I'm trying so hard to be happy for you...
I want you to know that I'm going back there for one night. To Bushwell. I'm gonna stay with Spence, 26th of March. I'd love to see you if you could make it. I know I shouldn't expect it though, after all this.
I love you.
Sam.'
He must have read the letter about 23 times before her words finally sunk in.
He got up immediatly, and grabbed his suitcase from his closet.
He arrived at Bushwell at 6:30. It was already getting dark. He didn't bother to even say hello to his mother or Spencer, he carried his belongings straight up to the roof.
She was there.
It was like that first night all over again, the moon and the Seattle lights illuminating her features sotly, the wind tousling her hair, the music playing.
'Sam.' He tried to say, but it came out in a sob.
She got up and gasped, he could see she had been crying. 'You came!' She said, crying harder now, running over to him, into his arms. 'You actually came!'
He dropped his suitcase and pulled her into a tight embrace, crying shamelessly into her curls.
'I love you so much Sam.'
'I love you too, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you- I'm so sorry-' She choked.
'It's okay. It's okay.' He cried. They stood in eachothers embrace, still crying for a little while, before they calmed down and tangled up with eachother in the deckchair. The music played on.
He looked into her eyes, and leaned forward. This time, she kissed him back.
Her hands reached up to rake through his hair, he placed one hand on her back to pull her closer, his other on her chin so he could kiss her properly, and they got lost in eachother, for what seemed like hours. Infinatly. When they pulled apart, they rested their foreheads together and just breathed. 'You have a wife. A job. A life. We can't-'
'I don't. I divorced Hailey.'
'What?'
'I just couldn't fool myself any more. It's always been you Sam...'
She blushed as he rubbed her cheek with his thumb, his eyes twinkling with fresh tears. 'Don't worry about all that now. We're escaping. We're on the roof. Nothing here matters but us. Just you, me, the view, and this song.' He said.
She leaned forward and captured his lips again.
I wish you would tell me,
How you really feel.
But you'll never tell me,
Cause that's not our deal.
That's not your deal That's not my deal That's not your deal That's not my deal That's not your deal That's not my deal That's not your deal That's not my deal.