A/N: I own nothing, save for my small collection of words and phrases. It all belongs to the creative goddess of our generation, which just isn't me.
Story premise taken from Coldplay's Fix You without permission or intention of sale or profit.
There are references in this story to class schedules and timetables for students and teachers which may not conform to what JKR gave us in canon. If you are interested in where this information comes from, visit my Resources website (link on author profile) and look under the Downloads section.
This is un-betaed, so any mistakes are my own. See one? Please, let me know.
=========FIX YOU=========
Tired hands swept long, unkempt strands of curls from where they rested on her forehead, tucking them thoughtlessly back behind her ears where they waited to slowly drift back forward, moving over the frames of her glasses to hang limply between her brown eyes and the dimly lit parchment on her desk. A quill was dipped delicately into a pot of black ink, prompting a string of curse words as she pulled it back and muttered Scourgify to remove the black ink from the nib.
Hermione Granger laid the cleaned quill on her desk and removed her glasses, setting them next to the quill, and massaged her eyes with the heels of her hands. It was well past midnight and she had a class early the next morning, but the essays she was marking couldn't wait; they were for her first period students.
Sighing deeply at the thick sheaf of parchments yet to be graded, she slipped her glasses back on her face, took a sip of cool water from the glass at her left hand, and picked the quill back up with her right, dipping it into the correct pot of red ink this time, continuing to scrawl her notes on the sixth years' essays.
=========FIX YOU=========
The next morning at breakfast, she barely scratched at the food on her plate, fighting to keep her eyes open. She'd gotten less than an hour's sleep after finishing up her marking, but was expected to be at breakfast by the venerable Headmistress of Hogwarts, Minerva McGonagall, and that was the one woman in her life she daren't disobey.
Her eyelids fluttered down for a moment before jerking upward rapidly as the brush of a touch was felt along her shoulders. She didn't dare turn around, but she knew from whom the caress had come; Minerva teased her endlessly in small, subtle ways like this. It was always a touch here, a brush there, the ghost of a finger trailing over her exposed skin, but never more. Hermione was wilting away, desperately in love with a woman who would never love her back, and was intent on destroying her with the mild contact, stringing her along like a leashed puppy.
"Why do you let her do this to you, Hermione? You deserve so much better than this half-existence." Tonks' words reached her ears through the pain of yet another scrap of contact that would go nowhere.
"But she's who I want, Nym."
=========FIX YOU=========
Hermione made it through the day thanks to sheer willpower – well, that and a cocktail of potions which combined the effects of Pepper-Up, Rejuvenation Serum, and Strengthening Solution. It was a potent mixture, but one of its major drawbacks was that it was quite short-lived in its effectiveness. Quickly lagging once her last class was released, she stumbled into her rooms, intent on tackling her next round of essays before dinner, but made it only as far as the sofa in front of her fireplace before she fell into it, exhausted, and finally succumbed to sleep.
Stretching, she yawned and sat up in her bed, all lingering traces of both tiredness and Somnix Crash vanished from her system. For the first time in weeks, her mind was fully alert and clear. Thinking it must be time for dinner, she looked at her clock and was surprised to see it read six-thirty in the morning. She had slept for more than twelve hours! Marveling at how well-rested she felt, she padded into the bathroom to take care of her morning ablutions. Halfway through shampooing her hair, she remembered the essays she was supposed to have marked for the day's classes. Her eyes shot open in shock, and soapy water flooded into them, causing a long stream of profanities to leave her mouth. She finished her shower in record time, rushed through brushing her teeth, and threw a robe around her still-damp body to storm into her front room, which served as both private office and sitting room.
She cast a quick-dry charm on her hair, which would make it frizz even worse than normal, but she didn't have time to do it properly if she had any chance of getting even a portion of her work done before the students would arrive, expecting it to be completed. Sighing deeply, she picked up the first essay from the waiting stack and began reading through it while her right hand reached for a quill from her drawer.
Not for the first time that morning, she was drawn short in her actions when she saw what appeared to be her handwriting in the margins and a grade at the top of the parchment, just the way she always did things. Abandoning her search for a quill, she flipped through the stacks of essays on her desk, finding all of them marked, graded, and properly annotated in her grade book.
She sat, stunned, eyebrows seemingly permanently raised up into her hairline, having absolutely no memory of having done any of it. Then again, hadn't she come in and passed out on the couch after crashing from Somnix? How had she ended up in her bed? She'd woken in her favorite pajamas and not in the clothes she'd worn the previous day as well, and now all of her work for... she checked again to be sure. All of her work for the next week was sitting on her desk perfectly marked, getting her ahead of the game for the first time since she'd become a teacher.
Had she sleep-walked? Her father used to do it from time to time when he was extremely exhausted or under a great deal of stress, but she'd never seemed to suffer from the malady, even during her year on the run with the boys, and one could argue there couldn't be much more stress she could be under than that, so if anything was going to trigger an onset of somnambulism, it would have been that, and not simple exhaustion from teaching. The only other solution she could think of was that someone had come in, redressed her as she slept, put her into bed, and then sat and done all of her work for her.
But then that raised the question which would plague her all day: Who?
=========FIX YOU=========
With the extra time granted her, Hermione wet her hair back down, tamed the extra frizz with a liberal dose of Sleekeazy's, and slowly tucked each strand into a thick French braid, all the while, her brain buzzing, trying to figure out who could have entered her quarters and taken care of her the previous night. Tying off the plait with a Muggle hair elastic she had infused with a lattice of spellwork that would prevent any flyaways from occurring and keep everything exactly where she placed it, she sighed and began accepting that she may never know who had acted as her assistant and caretaker. Dressed and ready for the day, she headed down to breakfast, finding that her growling stomach was demanding substance.
She was one of the first teachers to arrive, and only a smattering of students were down yet, so the atmosphere of the Great Hall was subdued as its few occupants wrapped chilled fingers around mugs of tea and coffee, caffeine required to give them a jump-start to the morning.
It wouldn't be long before the rest of the staff and students would begin trickling in and the caffeinated beverages and hearty morning fare would being loosening tongues, taking the quiet room and turning the silence into the expected cacophony of noises that breakfast always wrought. Morning gossip, whispered and muttered between friends, the scraping of forks and spoons across plates and bowls, the clinking of tea and coffee being stirred, and the constant swishing and clacking of robes and shoes as people came and went was an impossible din to some, but Hermione had always found sounds of the morning breakfast rush to be comforting in a way she hadn't ever been able to explain to anyone.
Finding her seat, she nodded and smiled in greeting to Filius and Pomona, and waved her hand at Poppy in response to the Healing Matron's own gesture. She efficiently filled her plate and poured a cup of strong tea, adding a touch of sugar and lemon to it, and began methodically devouring the entire plate. She was ravenous, having slept through dinner the previous night, and it didn't take her long to finish eating.
She sat back in her chair and laid her napkin across her empty plate, one hand going down to rest across her full belly, inhaling deeply and enjoying the feeling that only a sated hunger and a good night's rest could bring.
"You are looking remarkably bright-eyed this morning, Hermione. Sleep well last night?"
Her heart clenched at the voice from behind her. Minerva. What did she mean? Did she know? Had it been Minerva who had come in last night? Unclenching, her heart did a double-take at the implications if it had been her. Did she... could she actually care for Hermione in the way that Hermione cared for her? Hope began blossoming, a rapid growth spurt of heat swelling out from her still quickly-beating heart and moving toward all of her extremities, lightening the last of the burdens she had been carrying on her shoulders.
"I did, thanks."
In her new lightness of spirit, she could find no more words than those. Gods, I sound like a blithering idiot. How could she ever think to care for me?
A strong hand reached out to grip her shoulder, lightly squeezing. "Good. I'd hate to hear that my Muggle Studies instructor was unwell. Fourth years first thing in the morning always was bad for the constitution."
"Oh, they're not that bad. Just … inquisitive." To be honest, all of her classes were trying. Most of the students who opted into Muggle Studies were either there for the extra OWL or NEWT, thinking it would be an easy grade, trying to get through with a minimum of effort and learning, or they were there to see the war heroine, Hermione Granger, fall flat on her face. Many didn't understand why someone with such purported power levels and skill in the various Magical fields would reduce themselves to teach the young populace about the Muggle world from which she had come. They didn't understand that the non-Magical world was just as important to their futures as the Magical one, but she was trying to get them there, one unwilling student at a time.
"If you can put up with them first thing in the morning, then you're a better woman than I. Good luck, my dear." The warmth of Minerva's hand disappeared and the Headmistress moved on to her own chair and breakfast.
My dear. Did she think of Hermione as her dear? Her brain started buzzing again as she sat there, stunned, not seeing that someone else had watched the interaction with a frown marring their features.
=========FIX YOU=========
For the next month, Hermione continued to ride the high of her assumptions that Minerva had finally begun to care for her as more than a teacher might care about a student, or as the leader of a prestigious school might for one of their employees. She'd taken the head-start granted her with the advance marking Minerva had done, and at first, had done well keeping up with the new work, but she was beginning to lag behind again, and Minerva had gone back to the little touches and caresses that had teased her before the incident, and the high was starting to dissipate.
Deep brown eyes watched, saddened by the decline of someone for whom their owner had such strong feelings. They couldn't understand why Hermione so idolized someone who would toy with her and mess her about the way Minerva did. The older woman had to know what she was doing to her once-protégé, didn't she? Minerva McGonagall had never been hailed as a woman who liked other women in that way, but so many were deeply closeted… It was possible, but the owner of the sad eyes didn't think that the Headmistress held the same inclinations toward other women that she did.
It was painfully clear by watching Hermione interact with her former Head of House that she was head over heels in love with the woman, and while she wanted to believe that it would someday fade, she was afraid of what it meant for her if things kept moving along the way they had been recently. Hermione was headed for disaster, both professionally and personally, and though she wanted to be there to help pick up the pieces, she wasn't sure she would be welcome or even wanted. Until something happened, however, she would continue to watch and to care and to do what she could to help Hermione avoid as much of the pain that was bound to come as she could.
=========FIX YOU=========
There were dark circles under her eyes, evidence of the late nights she spent marking up essays in preparation for her classes. She felt brittle, on edge, and as though she were about to shatter if one was only to touch her with a little too much pressure. She was balanced on the edge of a razor blade, a deep plunge awaiting her on either side if she fell there, and the razor itself was waiting for her if she tripped or stumbled forward or backward, ready to slice her to ribbons. Any direction she fell would be painful if she didn't just keep going, though walking on that blade was nearly as painful as the fall would be. She had been fighting her whole life, it seemed, however, and she just didn't know how to give up and let fate take her where it would.
"Hermione, you have got to stop assigning so many essays. Give the students a day off here and there. Instead of having them write out their exams, give them a multiple choice one sometimes. You're working too hard for too little reward." Tonks' voice was strong and insistent as she pleaded with Hermione to take things easier.
In counterpoint, Hermione's own voice sounded thin and reedy to her ears, further evidence of the thin line she was toeing. "If you don't write out essays, if you don't work for your grades, you don't learn, Tonks. They have to learn."
"Oh, honey. They aren't learning as it is. You're barely staying awake during classes, and the days you aren't almost asleep, you're manic from Somnix, and you aren't keeping up with what you assign. How do you expect them to learn if you aren't capable of teaching because you're so sleepy all the time?"
Tears began gathering behind her eyelids, and she willed them not to fall. "But I'm a good teacher. I can do this." Her voice broke with her composure, and the tears took over. "Why can't I do this, Nym? Why?" She crumpled into herself before feeling the comforting pull of warm arms pulling her over into a ready and waiting lap.
"Shh, it'll be alright. We'll figure it out. It's almost Christmas break. We'll take some time over the break and revise things so you can take it easier. I'll help you. We'll work it out, I promise." Her voice was calm and soothing, hands stroking up and down Hermione's shaking back and through her thick mass of hair, trying to calm her upset friend.
"But she said I'd make an excellent teacher, that someday I'd be like her. I have to show her that I can be the person she wants me to be; that I can be like her."
"Who said that? McGonagall? She was right; you can be all of those things, but Hermione, everyone needs a helping hand sometimes, even her."
"She has helped me though. So much. And I love her, but she's so difficult. One day, she's calling me her dear and looking out for me, but the next, she's back to those teasing touches and not talking, and I don't know how to … I don't know how much longer I can take it."
"Have you ever told her how you feel?"
Hermione's spine stiffened and she sat up, face blotchy and wet as she stared at Tonks. "Of course not. It would be inappropriate. You know this."
"Would it? Inappropriate or not, I think you need to get it over with and find out once and for all how she feels about you in return. What's the worst thing that could happen?" Her cool hands smoothed the tears from Hermione's cheeks.
"I couldn't possibly. I... what if she said no? What if she rejected me? I don't think I could take that, Nym. Not on top of everything else."
"Don't be a coward," she snapped, hating herself for giving Hermione advice on how to approach another woman.
"A coward, am I? At least I didn't abandon my son to my mother, too afraid to see his father in his face, and hide away, seeking Merlin-knows-what in the position my dead husband once occupied. What could this place possibly offer you, Nym, that your own family can't?"
Before she was aware what her hand was doing, there was a resounding crack as it slapped Hermione sharply across the cheek with enough pressure to turn her head to the side.
"You know nothing about my situation, Hermione." She paused for a second and watched as her handprint began blooming scarlet on her face. "And no, you didn't do what I did, you only Obliviated yourself out of your parents' minds and then sent them off to a foreign country to avoid taking responsibility for them, and haven't been to even try and reverse the charms, so do not speak to me about fear."
Hermione shot to her feet, rage having taken over and replaced all of her fear and insecurities with overwhelming anger, the final vestiges of tiredness falling away with them, a sliver of hurt rising to the surface beneath the other disappearing emotions. "It's good to know how my friend actually feels about me for once then. I won't bother you with my cowardice," she sneered out the word, "any longer."
Before giving herself a moment to think about it or Tonks a chance to respond, she ran from the room, anger's adrenaline giving her speed and power that she hadn't felt since before the war had ended. She ran with no destination in mind, taking random corridors and staircases, not caring where she was going except for away from Tonks and her hurtful accusations. She ran, feeling the burdens of her life fall behind her, mind becoming clearer, face drying in the breeze she generated.
She didn't know how long she'd been aimlessly running, but as her lungs began aching for air and her long-unused muscles began crying out, she heard someone call out her name questioningly, and she slowed down, stopping and bending over to pant for breath with her hands on her knees.
"Hermione, is everything alright?" Her eyes squeezed shut at the crisp tones of Minerva's voice. She couldn't deal with her on top of what had happened with Tonks. Emotions were spread too thin, too volatile, as though the slightest pressure would break the veneer she'd been hiding behind all year and cause everything to blow up in a spectacular fashion. Still trying to force oxygen into her lungs, she didn't respond, unable to make herself speak anyway.
"Hermione, dear, what's wrong?" Hermione felt a hand rest on her shoulder, and heard the worry behind Minerva's words. Maybe Minerva cared for her, and maybe she didn't, but with Tonks' words reverberating loudly in her mind, a thought began to form in front of them, taking over with perfect clarity. If I never try, then I'll never know. Everything else started falling away, and she stood upright, heart still beating rapidly in her breast, breaths still coming ragged and harsh, but her mind held onto that thought, its goal finally within reach. Before she could overthink it, before she could talk herself out of it, before she could even try to stop herself, she turned to face the woman she secretly loved, eyes taking in the concerned look on her face before zooming in on soft lips, slightly parted as she waited for a response, and without further delay, she struck.
She gripped Minerva's head between her hands, thumbs caressing lightly at the corners of those glimmering green eyes, and pressed her lips against Minerva's, kissing her with every bit of pent up emotion she had. She felt as Minerva stiffened under the contact, and pulled back, searching her face for evidence that her feelings were returned.
"Hermione?" It was the barest of whispers, shock and confusion easy to read in her features.
"Please," she breathed out, chest heaving. "Merlin, please. I need…" She croaked out the final words, unable to find any more to go with them. The silence between them seemed to stretch on forever, and then Minerva spoke, her voice husky and low.
"Well, then, we should probably get out of this corridor."
=========FIX YOU=========
The next morning, tears again streaming down her face, Hermione ran through the gates along the path that led down to Hogsmeade Village. Reaching The Three Broomsticks, she asked for and was granted permission to use Rosmerta's Floo, and with a whispered jumble of words that nobody in the room could decipher and a flash of green fire, she disappeared from the Wizarding World.
Back at Hogwarts, Tonks' eyes were scanning the Great Hall as the last stragglers arrived for breakfast, and still there was no Hermione. She desperately needed to apologize for her angry words from the previous night, and was worried for her friend when she didn't show up.
"Professor Lupin." The starched contralto tones of the Headmistress greeted her.
"Good morning, Headmistress."
"I was wondering if you might assist me in handling a little situation which has arisen this morning."
"What can I do for you?"
"You're familiar with Professor Granger's grading methods, are you not?"
"I am," she agreed, eyes beginning to narrow in suspicion.
"If you have a few spare moments this week, I was hoping you could make sure that any remaining essays and exams have been marked up and recorded before the students leave for their holiday. We seem to be short a Muggle Studies professor, and while I do not doubt I can find a replacement during the break, the students will be wanting their marks for this term before they leave."
"What do you mean, 'we seem to be short a Muggle Studies professor'?" Her heart rose to stick in her throat. "Where is Hermione?"
Green eyes flashed dangerously at her. "Professor Granger has seen fit to leave us. I can tell you no more than that. Will you help or shall I do the work myself? I am not as familiar with her methods or with the modern Muggle world, but I could probably muddle through if you can't handle it on top of your Defense classes. I know this is a busy week when you have theory and practical exams to complete."
"No, I'll do it. But… pardon me for asking, but did she say why she was leaving?"
Minerva sighed. "There was an unfortunate incident last night, and this morning, she seemed unwilling to accept reality as it is, and left."
"Unwilling to … What did you do to her?"
"Nothing for which I wasn't asked, although it appeared our motivations were at odds."
"Gods help me, Minerva, but if you hurt her the way it sounds like you hurt her, knowing full well how she feels about you, you'll soon find yourself short another professor, regardless of our arrangement."
"Don't be so dramatic. How was I to know how she felt? Now, I will not discuss this any further. It's inappropriate, especially in front of students. Do I find myself in need of a new Defense instructor as well?"
Tonks swallowed her pride and anger. It wouldn't do to hash this all out in front of the students and the rest of the faculty. Minerva was right about that, at least. "Not at this time."
"Good. Then I wish you good morning, and offer my thanks for helping with this Muggle Studies situation."
"Good morning."
=========FIX YOU=========
A week later, sitting at her mother's table with a cup of tea clutched between her hands, she found comfort in the low rumble of her mother's voice as they caught up.
"How's he been?"
"He's fine. He's a perfect little gentleman. Better than you were at that age." They shared a smile at that comment.
"No signs of …"
"No, none whatsoever. He's perfect, Dora. Perfect."
"I'd never have seen him as anything but perfect anyway, Mum, even if he had inherited Remus' lycanthropy."
"I know, darling. I know. Still no progress on allowing him to stay in the castle with you?"
"No," she replied bitterly. "She still says the castle is no place for a baby, and will not relent. I don't understand. She says she needs me to teach, she says she needs a good strong Hufflepuff teacher to prepare to take over when Sprout retires – rumors are she's bringing in an apprentice next term to start training to take over the post and the greenhouses, though nobody yet knows who – but she won't allow me to have my family there. I know it would be a bit of an imposition, but Merlin knows the House-Elves would be delighted to help take care of him, and neither of you would be in anyone's way. I just don't understand why she's forcing me to be away from him, especially given his age and how soon this all is to Remus' death. Why can't she understand I just want my son to be with me?"
Her normally vibrant pink hair had wilted down as she spoke, and was now a rather limp, nondescript brown as it lay at odds over her head, tears rolling down her cheeks.
"I don't know, baby, I don't know."
"Would you be terribly disappointed in me if I tried to find something else? I don't want to face the dangers of being an Auror again with Teddy in the picture, but I don't like being so far away from him all the time. I know the Head of House position has a ton of benefits, especially for someone as young as I am, but I just don't know, Mum. I'm not sure what to do."
"I could never be disappointed in you. You are my daughter and I love you, and there is nothing you could do to change that. Nothing."
"Thanks, Mum. I love you, too."
The room got quiet for a moment as Tonks sipped at her tea and Andromeda watched her closely.
"Who is he?"
"What? Who is who?"
"Whoever it is you've fallen for. The issues with Minerva and the school aside, I haven't seen you look this depressed since Remus was trying to resolve his feelings for you and left you in limbo."
"Oh, Mum."
"Don't 'oh, mum' me. Who is he? I can't imagine who you've had the chance to meet while stuck up at Hogwarts, but I know you well enough to recognize the signs."
"What if I was to tell you it's not a he?"
"Okay, then, who is she? Surely not Minerva?"
"Merlin and Morgana, no, it's not the bloody Headmistress. It doesn't bother you that it's a woman, though?"
"Like I just told you, Dora, you are my daughter and I love you, and there is nothing, nothing, you could ever do to change that. Besides, why would it make any difference who it is you love, so long as you love?"
Evidence of true unconditional love at hand, she sat her cup on the table and rushed into her mother's arms, dropping to her knees and burying her head in her lap, the way she used to when she was a small child. "Oh, Mum. It's terrible. I love her so much but she's in love with someone else and doesn't even remotely see me that way, and now she's gone to Merlin only knows where, and I don't know what to do." Sobs wracked her body, making her speech stilted as she stumbled over the words.
Andromeda smoothed her fingers through the short strands of her daughter's hair, brushing it back off her face and tucking it behind her ears where she could, letting her get her grief out. "We've both found ourselves to be war widows, my darling, and just nineteen months isn't long to become accustomed to that; to being alone after having someone. I've found, however, that there is never enough time to grieve, and it's never too soon to find someone new, no matter what anyone else may say. You'll never stop grieving Remus, and you'll never stop loving him, but your heart is too big to only love once. If this person, whoever she is, can't see you for who you truly are, and doesn't love you for yourself, then she doesn't deserve you anyway."
"I think she could, though, Mum, if she could just stop idolizing this other person long enough to see that she isn't perfect and can't be the person she wants her to be."
"You never did say who she is."
"Hermione."
"Granger? Harry's friend?" Tonks nodded, cheek still pressed into her mum's lap, enjoying the comfort of having her mother run her fingers through her hair. "You know, you and Remus made a good decision, naming Harry as godfather. He comes by to visit with Teddy a couple times a week. The last time he stopped in, he seemed upset, so I asked what was wrong, and he said Granger had flooed into his house surprisingly a couple of mornings earlier with some kind of sob story, stayed there a day or so to make arrangements, and then swanned off to Australia or somewhere, of all places, with no word on when she might be back. This is the woman you love?"
Tonks sat up, shocked to hear the news. "She went to Harry's and then to Australia? Maybe I got through to her after all."
Andromeda didn't know what she meant, but didn't get the chance to ask. At that moment, Teddy came down from his nap, swiping sleepily at his eyes, and squealed with delight at seeing his Mummy back home. She watched as Tonks stood and swung him around in circles before pressing him into a close hug, a wide smile on her face, her hair back to its signature pink spikes. Andy knew her daughter well enough to see the lingering sadness behind the smiles and joy of being reunited with her son, but for the moment, it was good enough to just see the smile.
She would find out more about this situation with her daughter and Hermione Granger later.
=========FIX YOU=========
Six months passed, and Tonks didn't hear from Hermione once. She pestered Harry until he agreed to let her know if Hermione contacted him, but so far, neither one of them had heard anything.
She still had made no headway with Minerva on allowing Teddy to come live in the castle with her, and had reluctantly begun to put out feelers for different jobs. She really did enjoy teaching, and she was very good at the subject despite her innate clumsiness, but she had a two year old son with whom she'd barely been able to spend any time since the school had reopened. The job simply wasn't enough.
The Headmistress was still tight-lipped over what had happened the night Hermione left, and Tonks was left on tenterhooks, trying to piece things together. Certainly Hermione had met up with Minerva after fleeing from her own rooms, and something had happened that led to Hermione leaving, but while she may have her suspicions, she knew nothing.
Her breakfast musings were interrupted by the arrival of post owls. A sharp-beaked bird she had never seen before dropped a small scroll of parchment neatly on top of her plate, avoiding making a mess before flying away, not waiting behind for a reply.
Curious, she picked up the scroll, broke the heavy wax seal, and unrolled it, eyes flying over the words. She had been accepted as a member of an elite research team which was seeking to combine aspects from every magical discipline in order to finally find a final cure for Lycanthropy – or if not a full cure, a better treatment than the current Wolfsbane formula. She was wanted, not only for her expertise in Defense and her history as an Auror who had trained under Alastor Moody, but also for her inner knowledge of how the affliction worked against its victims. Having been married to Remus came with one final perk.
The pay wasn't quite as good as her current salary, but with magical transportation networks the way they stood, she could Floo or Apparate to and from work every day and would be able to live at home and see her son every day. That, in itself, was worth more than the extra salary her position at Hogwarts offered.
Still, it wasn't something to be rushed into. It was a big decision, and one she couldn't make on her own.
Quickly finishing her breakfast, she hurried back to her suite to pen a quick letter to Andromeda, letting her know that she'd been accepted for the team position and asking for her thoughts on the matter. She glanced up at the clock and decided she had just enough time to get up to the Owlery and back down before having to face her Fourth-Year students. As she made her way to the top of the West Tower, scroll in hand, she was again contemplating the pros and cons of taking the research team position or of staying at Hogwarts, especially with Hermione gone.
Her heart flip-flopped in her chest at the thought of the woman for whom she had so deeply fallen, believing there was very little hope she would see her again, and even if she did come back from Australia, Tonks honestly believed that Hermione would never be able to see her the way she desired, stuck on her hero-worship approximation of love for Minerva.
She sent the missive off to her mother and took a moment to enjoy the warm breeze as it whistled through the high tower as she stood outside on the winding staircase that led up to the Owlery. Thankfully upwind from the stench of the owls, she simply stood and soaked up the morning sunshine, eyes closed, allowing her mind to be empty of all her worries and cares, if only for those few moments.
She checked her wristwatch and sighed. If she didn't go back down now, she would be late for her class. She hurried down from the tower and across the castle to her classroom, managing to only trip herself twice in her haste, and made it just in time for the first few students to begin trickling in. She inwardly groaned at the prospect of the Fourth-Years, because they tended to ask the most questions throughout the year, but now, leading up to their final exams, they were relentless.
Watching the students come in and find their seats, she couldn't take the thought of answering all those theory questions, so she made an on-the-fly decision to switch things up and make it a practical lesson. This was her only class for the day, and the last before the weekend, the next week beginning the exams. One last practicum wouldn't hurt them, and it would spare her brain. If they didn't know the theory by this point, one last Q&A session wouldn't do them any good.
As the last stragglers came in, she grounded herself, releasing all her other-worldly thoughts and cares and plastered a wide smile on her face. "Alright, students, if you would please put away your books and clear the floor, we're going to do a few demonstrations today."
She could hear a few of them mumbling under their breaths, but to their credit, they all put away their books and parchments and moved to the rear of the room, congregating in wait in clusters of Housemates. With a wave of her wand, all the desks were moved to either side of the classroom, and cushioned mats were laid out to cover the hard stone floor.
"Pair up into your usual teams of three, and then we'll begin."
=========FIX YOU=========
After a tiring session and a quick lunch in the Great Hall, Tonks headed back to her rooms to start on the final round of paper-marking she would have to do before exams the next week. She still had her First, Second, and Third-years on Monday before exams began on Tuesday, and there were just a few things left she needed to address with them on the last day.
As she gave her password to the portrait guarding her door, she began to feel uneasy. The air felt thick, buzzing with the sort of anticipation you feel just before a big rainstorm hits. She shook her head and stepped through the doorway, but as she went to wave her wand to light the room, she drew up short. The lights were already on. Confused and feeling just a little light-headed, she moved further into the room, wand gripped firmly in her fist as she sought out the dangers that might be lurking in the shadows. Slipping her Auror's mask back on, she lost all sense of her normal clumsiness, and crept slowly, carefully, and silently into the room, eyes darting around, checking all dark spots and corners where one might hide in ambush. As Head Auror Moody had once drilled into her head, Constant Vigilance! was required to find and apprehend this intruder.
Eyes widened in surprise, and her wand slipped from suddenly weak fingers to thud dully on the rug. The light from the fireplace ringed her intruder in a russet haze, highlighting the golden strands in her wild brown hair as she turned in response to the sound of Tonks' wand hitting the floor.
"Nym," she breathed out, a wide smile breaking over her features.
"You're … you're back."
"I am."
"Why'd you leave?"
Hermione sighed, casting her gaze down to the floor as she slouched. "You were right. I was living here, so full of fear that I couldn't do anything. I desperately needed my mum and dad, but I was scared that even if I could find them, I wouldn't be able to properly undo the memory charms, or that I'd find they were happier and better off without me, or that I'd get down there and find that Death Eaters had gotten to them despite my best efforts… There was so much worry rattling around in my head that I wasn't living. You were right about more than that, but I'd rather not get into that right now, if that's okay."
"Of course." Tonks bent down and retrieved her wand and moved around the sofa to where Hermione was standing, eyes still downcast and beginning to brim with tears. "Take all the time you need, but … can I have a hug at least? I mis… ooft!"
Before she could finish saying that she'd missed Hermione, she found herself wrapped tightly in her arms, Hermione's cheek pressed against her chest, the crown of her head wedged under her chin. Gripping the younger woman to her just as tightly, she moved to rest her cheek on top of chestnut curls and closed her eyes, joy overtaking her at the feel of the woman she loved back safely within the circle of her embrace.
They stood there for several long minutes, drawing comfort from each other before Hermione pulled back, saying, "I missed you, too."
Tonks lifted a hand to tuck a loose strand of hair back behind Hermione's ear, fingertips lingering over her cheek for a moment before dropping back to her side.
With a furtive smile, Hermione's cheeks colored slightly and she sat down on the sofa, tucking her feet beneath her. "I guess I should start by telling you what's been happening."
Feeling the loss of her warmth, Tonks took a seat in the chair next to the sofa, wrapping her arms around herself. "Yes, tell me everything."
"When I left, I went to Harry's. I took a couple of days with him to gather myself back together and make my travel plans. I used the International Portkey Relay System and over another couple of days, I made my way to Canberra, where the immigration records are kept. It took me a while to cut through the red tape, but I finally found that my parents had settled down in a small town just north of Adelaide. They were – are – well, and thriving there. I watched them for a month, and had a conversation with my mother one day that cemented the idea that I should at least try to reverse the charms.
"So I did. It wasn't easy, but I finally unlocked all the memories I'd put away, and Mum and I cried together. She was so happy to have all her memories back, and overlooked the initial invasion it took to lock them all away. Dad, on the other hand," she paused to sigh deeply, picking at a loose thread on her jumper, "wasn't so easy to forgive as she'd been. It took me another month of sticking around and numerous explanations of what had been happening to cause me to do what I'd done before he finally gave in. I've spent the remainder of the time I've been gone with them, catching up and trying to regain the closeness we once had.
"I talked to Mum quite a bit about … well, about a lot of things, and from somewhere, found the courage to come out to them. Again, Mum was more easily accepting than Dad, but I think they've both come to accept it. Only time will truly tell, I suppose."
She stopped speaking for a moment, caught up in the emotions of her tale, and Tonks took the opportunity to softly inquire, "So what made you come back? Why not stay longer with them and further repair your relationships with them?"
"It has to do with some things I'm still not ready to talk about with you, but basically, Mum convinced me that I have unfinished business here and that I need to face it before I can truly move on and be happy."
"Unfinished business… with Minerva?"
"Partially, yes, but not entirely. I do need to speak with her, but there is more to it than just her."
"Can you at least tell me what happened after you left here that night? She found me at breakfast the next morning and asked me to finish marking up your papers before the students left, and when I asked her, all she would say was that some 'unfortunate incident' had occurred and that your motivations were at odds. I've been going crazy trying to piece things together."
"I… I think I need to talk to her before we go there, Nym. I'm sorry."
"Did you want to go now? Lunch is just over, so she should be in her office."
"I… yes. I should go do that now and get it over with." The uncertainty in her features melted away, revealing a steel determination. "Yes." She stood, body stiff and looking unsettled, and crossed to the door. As it swung open, she spoke again without turning around, one hand pressed against the cool stone wall. "Will you be here when I'm finished?"
"I have a few last-minute things to do before the weekend, so yes. I'll be here."
"Good. That's … good." Swallowing hard and gritting her teeth together, she put one foot in front of the other and disappeared through the open door.
=========FIX YOU=========
As difficult as it was for Tonks to concentrate on the work she had to do, she managed to muddle through it all slowly while waiting for Hermione to come back from her visit with Minerva. It was nearing dinner time when she finished the last paper, and finally left alone with her thoughts, she found that although she was happy Hermione was back and had reconciled with her parents, she couldn't help but frown at how long her meeting was taking.
She envisioned several different scenarios of what they could be talking about for so long, the worst of which involved crude imagery of Hermione and Minerva having crazy, kinky sex while laughing at "poor clueless Tonks" waiting for something that would never happen. Rationally, her mind knew that would never happen, but fear and nerves make for a powerful deterrent to reason and logic.
Sighing, she stood to head up to dinner, but as she reached the door, it slammed open in front of her, revealing a manic Hermione, hair flying in an invisible breeze with sparks flying off the tips, eyes wild, and wand clutched so tightly in her hand that Tonks didn't think she'd be able to get a spell off without hurting herself.
"It was YOU? All this time, you let me think it was Minerva when it was YOU?!"
Slowly and carefully, letting nothing betray her calm exterior, Tonks backed up a couple of steps, and with a low, calm voice, coaxed, "Hermione, why don't you come in, and we can discuss this inside?"
"Why should I listen to anything you have to say, Nym, after you lied to me for months and months?" As she spoke, Tonks could see the grip on her wand changing, moving to the more fluid hold that meant danger – with the change, Hermione could easily cast any number of spells, and Tonks knew from their past that even with her Auror and Order training, she would be mostly defenseless, unable to cast a strong enough shield fast enough to do any good.
"I'm not sure what you're talking about, but wouldn't you rather talk about it in here, away from prying ears? Come on, Hermione, let's just step inside, eh?"
"For months, I labored under the belief that Minerva had come in, tucked me into bed, and graded my papers for me. I took it as a sign that maybe, just maybe, my feelings were reciprocated. I moved her ever further up the proverbial pedestal, thinking perhaps she could care for me, and it was you, Nym." Her eyes were still wild, breathing labored, coming out in short bursts of hot air, but there was something behind it that Tonks couldn't place.
"Oh, that."
"Yes, 'oh, that,'" she spat out.
"I noticed how tired you were looking and wanted to come check on you – to offer to help with whatever you needed – and found you passed out, dead to the world on your sofa, presumably from the aftereffects of Somnix, so I put you to bed and marked your papers. I may not be the Muggle Studies professor, but my dad was from the Muggle world, and I was raised in it. I know more than enough to handle the differences in how Muggle communication methods contrast and compare to their Wizarding counterparts. Hell, even Mum has a mobile phone in case there are problems with Teddy at his nursery school while she's out running errands, and she was born into Wizarding elite – not that it's ever done her any favors. I was going to tell you, but you started going on and on about Minerva and looking so happy and excited … I couldn't take that away from you. You needed it too much."
"What I needed was the truth."
There was so much venom in Hermione's words, and Tonks' ire was raised in response. "You couldn't have handled the truth at that point."
"It wasn't up to you to decide what I could and could not handle!"
"I refuse to discuss this any further in the corridor where anyone can eavesdrop, Hermione. Come in and we can hash it all out in privacy, or get out. Right now, I don't care which." Tonks spun on her heel and headed back toward the sofa, wondering whether or not she would be followed. She sank into the safety of her favorite chair, and Hermione stormed further into the room, the door closing itself behind her.
"What gave you the right?!"
Tired of fighting when she should just be happy to have her friend back, Tonks slouched further into the chair, a single word dropping softly from her lips. "Love."
"What does love have to do with this, Nym? These are not the actions of someone who claims to be my friend, who claims to love me."
"Oh, 'Mione. I do love you, but not like a friend." Hermione's mouth gaped open, but before she could let loose any more vitriol, Tonks stopped her. "No. No, it's my turn to talk, and you will take a moment to listen to me. Since the war ended, you've been broken. Whether it was from what you did to your parents, what happened with my bloody aunt, the year spent out in a tent with Harry, or any combination of these things and more, you were broken. I was proud of you when you sat for your NEWTs despite the Ministry-offered exemptions for the three of you. I was proud when you seemed to pull yourself together enough to help rebuild. I started seeing you as more than Harry Potter's smart little friend, and started seeing you for you, and when you are at your best, you are nothing less than pure brilliance in every way. How could I not fall for you?
"Then once the term began and you started to slowly drown, I could see just how broken you were. I started to see all the cracks in the plaster beneath the layers of paint, and you were even more beautiful than before. I wanted to be the one to help fix you, and so I tried to do that however I could."
"The problem is, Nym, that I didn't need someone to fix me. I needed to be the one to fix myself." Much of her rage bled away listening to Tonks' tale. She was still angry, and she had a right to be, but she was curious. "One thing I still don't understand is why you're here, though, and not with Teddy. Or why Teddy isn't here with you. He's so young… doesn't he need his mother?"
"Don't you think I want him here," she asked bitterly. "Minerva won't allow it! When I accepted the Defense post, I thought I would be able to have him with me, and Mum as well to help watch him during classes. It's part of why I accepted the post. You know how good the pay is here, and I've been promised the Hufflepuff Head position once Sprout retires – they've already brought in Neville to start learning the ropes over the next couple years to take over for Herbology, but as a Gryffindor, he cannot take over for the 'Puffs like I can. The pay is even better for a Head of House, and there are so many benefits and perks that come with it as well. It's a great opportunity, especially for someone as young as I am, though I suppose Snape was younger when he got the Slytherin post.
"Anyway, when we showed up to get settled in, Minerva informed us that Hogwarts is no place for a baby and that he and Mum would have to go. I was naïve, Hermione. I thought it wouldn't be so hard. I thought it would be okay. I thought I'd have at least a weekend or two a month to go home and see him, and that Mum could come up for Hogsmeade weekends, but it just didn't work out that way. Weekends are busy. Hogsmeade days are crazy, trying to keep all the rowdy teenagers in line, and there's just no spare time to go visit. It's hard. I keep after Minerva to reconsider, but it appears there is no making her budge on the issue.
"As much as I want the Head position she's offered, I've been looking for something else where I can be home with him. This life isn't fair to him and it's not fair to me and it's not fair to my Mum, trying to keep up with a toddler at her age."
The air rang softly in the silence that followed her words. Finally, the tension was too much and Hermione timidly spoke up. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"No, you couldn't have. It's not like I ever told you. I just … I couldn't further burden you with my problems when you had so many of your own."
"But I accused you of…"
"I know. It's okay. You didn't know."
"About what you said though. About me. I … I do love you, Nym, but I don't love you like that. I'm only just figuring out that what I've thought was love for Minerva all this time was something else, and I need to pull myself together before even trying to sort out feelings for anyone else." The last of her anger had fled, leaving behind only sadness and confusion.
"I don't expect you to love me. I never expected my feelings to be returned. I just needed to tell you."
"You asked me earlier what happened between Minerva and me that night that caused me to run away. Do you still want to know?"
"I'd like to understand, but if you don't want to share, you don't have to."
"No, after talking with her today, I feel okay with telling you." She stopped and swallowed, a thick lump forming in her throat at what she was about to share. "When I left here, I ran. I ran until I couldn't run anymore, and still I kept running. I had no idea where I was going, but I suppose, in the end, it was inevitable I'd end up in the hallway outside her door. She stopped me, and she spoke kindly, asking what was wrong, and before I could stop myself, I kissed her. And we went into her room, and it was amazing, Nym. It was everything I'd dreamt of. I fell asleep in her arms and it finally felt like everything wrong in the world had been made right.
Tonks felt her heart shattering. Not only did Hermione not love her in return, but also her foolish words that night had driven her straight to Minerva.
"And then the morning came." Again Hermione paused for a moment. "And with it came the realization that whereas I'd gone into the encounter thinking of it as making love, she had not. I learned today she'd been intent on seeking out Hooch, as they've scratched other's periodic itches for years, but instead found me and took the opportunity to take someone fresh to bed. I asked for it, and I got what I asked for. I got what I wanted, but in the end, it wasn't what I needed. At the time, however, all I got in the morning were crisp words asking me to leave before the students began waking, and to please take a care not to tell anyone it happened, but that she would be more than happy to repeat the performance any time I had a need. It was so impersonal. So abrupt. So … absolutely nothing I thought the morning after would be. I was devastated, and unable to take any further stress, I jerked my clothes on, quit, and ran.
"I didn't think I would ever stop crying, and for several hours, I didn't. Finally Harry dragged part of the story out of me, but I couldn't tell him everything. I just couldn't. He wouldn't understand. And then I was gone. I missed you terribly while I was gone, Nym, and I've hated myself for the words I spoke to you in anger. I wanted so many times to write and tell you I was sorry, but I was too much of a coward to do it. I've already told you the rest of the story, so now you know the whole thing."
Fighting the tears threatening to well in her eyes, Tonks had to ask, "But what happens next in your story? Will you go back to your parents in Australia? Teach again? What are your plans?"
"I don't know exactly, and honestly, that's the exciting part. I won't be returning here to teach, though. That much I know for sure. I need more time to get over Minerva and all the fantasies I had about her, and I just can't do that here, under her power and having to see her every day." Hermione shook her head. "That's not the healthy thing to do. I'm also not going directly back to Australia, although that is an option in the future. I need to spend some time reconnecting with the friends I have here. I'll probably stay with Harry, at least for a few days, because I know he has plenty of room to spare and will be happy for the company, but after that … after that, as they say, the world is my oyster. I've standing offers to work for any number of companies, almost every department in the Ministry if I thought I could handle the bureaucracy and narrow-mindedness there, and there's always the idea of entering into an Apprenticeship in pursuit of a Mastery or two so I can do my own research. I'm young, I'm free, and when I put my mind and heart to it, there's nothing I can't accomplish. I have an open book in front of me, awaiting only my quill and a pot of ink to begin filling it. And fill it, I shall."
As she spoke, Hermione's face brightened and the cares seemed to lift from her shoulders. Tonks hated to lose the idea of Hermione being there and falling for her slowly as they worked together, but she hadn't seen her look like this the whole time she'd known the younger woman. Was the brains of the Golden Trio really destined to mire herself down in a job she may never become good at just to remain closer to her – and at the same time, closer to Minerva, who was seemingly ready to take her back to bed any time she wanted? That was definitely not what she was meant to do. Hermione Granger was meant for greatness, and she could only achieve that away from the hallowed halls of Hogwarts.
"I'm sad to see you go; I can't lie to you, but you are worth more than the school could ever offer you, so I'm happy for you. I'm happy you're taking this chance to be who you're really supposed to be. I'll miss you, though."
"It's not like I'll never see you again. You're one of my best friends, Nym." Her broken heart seemed to mend itself just slightly at Hermione's words. "But what will you do? You can't stay away from Teddy and miss his entire childhood just for the chance to be Head of House someday."
"I know. It really was an amazing offer she made, but I've received an invitation to join a research team that doesn't pay as much, but will allow me to live at home and either Apparate or Floo to and from work every day. It's something I was going to discuss with Mum to see what she thought, as it greatly affects her as well, but honestly, I don't see her having any problems with it."
"Is that what you really want? I thought you loved being a teacher."
"I do, Hermione, I really do. I feel very at peace when helping teach kids how to defend themselves against whatever dark magics may be thrown at them, but it's as you said; I cannot live my life away from my son just for the promise of a promotion and a few extra perks."
Hermione seemed to digest the information for a second before hesitantly asking, "If Teddy wasn't in the picture, which option would you choose? Research, or Teaching?"
The unexpected question took Tonks aback. She thought about it for a moment before confidently answering, "Teaching. I know I could do some good on this research team, but teaching is something I'm really great at. It's something that my clumsiness doesn't hinder too often, and I honestly enjoy sharing what I've learned with others."
Hermione sort of hummed an answer before veering away to other subjects. The two passed a long conversation, discussing a wide variety of topics over a meal of sandwiches and tea, gladly provided by one of the castle's many House Elves before they could even think to ask for them.
When the last crumbs had been eaten and the last dregs of tea had been sipped, they stood and said their goodbyes. Hermione hugged Tonks tightly to her and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek. She pulled back and they stood for a moment, faces inches apart. "Please... just once," Tonks breathed out, and Hermione leaned forward, nose nudging into the cradle of her cheekbone where it turned into the side of Tonks' nose.
"Just once, then."
Their lips met and moved against each other for a few seconds before Hermione's parted and Tonks took advantage, deepening the kiss by slipping her tongue between them and brushing its tip up along the ridge running from the fleshy soft palate to the tougher, velvet-covered hard palate behind Hermione's teeth. Hermione shuddered at the motion, and pulled Tonks closer, twisting her fingers into the short strands of hair that were morphing from pink to blue to purple to green, shifting every couple of seconds until the kiss was over, the color finally settling on a brilliantly bright white.
Their eyes were closed, chests heaving, and without saying a word, Hermione turned away and began walking toward the door. When her outstretched hand reached the wall leading to the door, she paused again, inhaled deeply, opened her eyes, and walked out. Once in the hall, her fingers raised themselves to press against her still-tingling lips, her thoughts occupied by the Metamorphmagus she'd just left. If teaching was what she really wanted to do, then by Merlin, that's what she would do, and she wouldn't miss out on one more minute of Teddy's life, either.
She stalked back toward Minerva's office; she had enough sway with the woman to give Tonks the opportunity she deserved. After all, it was the fight with her that had led to so many important and necessary changes to her life. She owed the woman that much.
=========FIX YOU=========
Stunned by the passion and ferocity of the kiss, it took Tonks several minutes to regain her bearing. That had been the absolute best kiss of her life, and it was certain to never happen again.
Knowing Hermione was on her way off the castle grounds, she turned and raced up to the tallest tower she could get to. She tripped several times along the way, cursing each time as her last chance to see Hermione got slimmer and slimmer. Finally, however, she reached the very top. In the distance, she could see Hermione about half-way down the path to the gate, and she watched as she stopped walking for a second and raised her face to the sun's dying rays. As the darkness descended around her, Tonks could see her radiant aura emanating around her body, and it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen.
Hermione smiled and turned back toward the gate, hurrying down the rest of the path before passing through the gate and disappearing with a barely-audible crack.
Atop the tower, Tonks found her cheeks overrun with tears, the salty drops streaming endlessly down her face. Hermione was gone. She was really gone, and she wasn't coming back. Yes, they would see each other socially, and yes, they would always be friends, but Tonks still wanted more. She wanted to share more of those electric kisses with her. She wanted to wake up in the morning and see those riotous curls spread over her pillow and over her own skin. She wanted to discover every inch of that delectable body with her fingers, with her mouth, with her tongue. She wanted many things, but trumping all those desires, she wanted Hermione to be happy, and so she watched her leave, letting her go, and hoping that one day, she would return with more room in her heart for her.
The End
=========FIX YOU=========
Alright, that's it. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I see Tonks and Hermione remaining friends as Minerva is forced to allow Teddy to come live with his mum in the castle. As Hermione finishes coming into her own, there's a moment where they revisit that goodbye kiss and from there, a relationship grows and flourishes and they do end up together. Maybe in the back of your mind, you see things unfolding differently. That's okay, too. I'd love to hear your ideas of what happens next. Feel free to leave them in a review or a PM (my inbox is open), or if you'd like to read my day-to-day life of writing and gaming and other, more mundane topics, you can find me on Twitter at Cherrii951 (link on author profile). I'd love to hear from all of you who read this, no matter if you have a scenario in mind or not.
Thank you so much to all of you who favorite and follow and read along with the things I write. It means so much. Thank you. Until next time, dear readers.