Her heart was too full of ache for words. Its thump-thump, slowed by tireless reminders of why she loves her-why no amount of rationalizing could ever detach her long enough to move on.
"Congratulations." Thump-thump. Her voice was kittenish as practiced, acceptable responses fell from her lips-each treacherous syllable cracking them and stinging her as they escaped. "What are you going to say?"Thump-thump. Motionless, she felt the room around her dissolve.
Jane didn't need to say anything for Maura to hear her answer. Uncertainty glazed over Jane's eyes as they darted to the side, to focus on anything but Maura's face, as she swallowed the pasty saliva in her dry mouth.
Her mouth straightened into a conflicted line that underscored the indecision in her other features. The yellow light of the afternoon drew shadows across her face, highlighting its hardness, in the stark juxtaposition.
Relieved to have the moment disrupted, Maura half-smiled before she was pulled away to sign some paper work, leaving Jane standing, tottery legged, in the middle of an unfamiliar room, blanketed in all too familiar thoughts and feelings.
She knew she needed to cry-to release the tumultuous uneasiness and sadness that had been jostling inside of her since Jane had told her, but as she sat at her kitchen island, forearms pressed against the cold granite, eyes unfocused and vacant, gazing at nothing in particular, her tears would not materialize.
Her mind, uncharacteristically devoid of curiosity and stimulation, could not disengage from the image of Jane sharing restful silence with him. The thought of Jane permitting anyone else to know her like that-exhausted, but contented-chafed at the lining of her stomach.
The beeping of her phone did not penetrate the internal ringing in her head. Four new messages blinked against the tungsten hue of the moonlight spilling into the house.
Then, without warning, her release did come, not as tears, but bile, burning through her throat before splashing across the spotless counter. Her empty stomach lurched as it attempted to clear matter that was not there.
Mindlessly, she wiped it up-sniffling through the acidic remnants. Rag in hand, a violent sob laced through her, erupting from her mouth with a determined force. Dry heaves rattled her tiny frame, bringing her to a kneeling position, one hand stretched out to support her weight.
Blinking away the moisture clouding her vision, she caught her breath and slid back against the side of the island. She could feel the physical release temporarily dulling the sharp pain in her chest.
As some level of clear mindedness washed over her, a jarring knock vibrated through the house.
"Maura." Jane's coarse voice seeped through the seams around the door. More powerful now, the knocking repeated. "Maura!"
Hazy and dazed from the recent evacuation of intense pain, she breathed in and sought the calm she had become so good at demonstrating, even during the most painful of moments.
"Maura! I'm coming in." Maura could picture Jane's precise appearance on her stoop. Biting at the cuticle on her thumb or at the inside of her cheek when she first approached, Jane would have transferred her nervous energy to basically pacing by her third set of knocks. "Maura!"
"I'm coming, Jane!" Maura shouted in an unfamiliar voice, as she braced herself and began to move to her feet, scraping at the corners of her mouth to assure their cleanliness. She wiped under her swollen eyes and walked to the door, determined to appear collected.
After a final deep breath, she opened the door to see Jane, with red rimmed eyes. She fought the wave of lightheadedness she often felt when she saw Jane. "Jane? Are you okay?"
Jane ran a hand through her messy hair and nodded unconvincingly. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm ok. I've been texting you. Where have you been?"
Maura told a half truth that she hoped her sabotaging body would let her get away with. "I took a nap after work. I'm sorry—I didn't see that you texted."
"Oh. Okay. What are you up to this weekend?" The tensed muscles along Jane's jaw and neck and the shifting of her weight from side to side confirmed what had already been quite obvious.
Any sadness that Maura felt for herself momentarily dissipated as she looked at her best friend, who was clearly hurting. Maura smiled in an attempt to help calm Jane. "I don't have anything specific planned. Why? What's going on? Here, come inside." She pulled Jane into the house and quietly closed the door behind her.
"I'm going away for the long weekend and was wondering if you want to come with me." Jane's eyes begged Maura not to ask too many questions. "What I mean is, I really want...no, I need, you to come with me. If you want to, of course. I was going to ask you earlier, but we got interrupted, and then I didn't catch you before you left for the day."
Aware that her friend needed her to just say yes, without the usual onslaught of questions, Maura answered quickly. "Okay. Are we leaving tonight?"
Surprised by Maura's brevity, Jane took a few seconds to respond. "Yeah, if you don't mind. We can get food on the road. It's not too long of a drive."
The truth was, Maura couldn't remember the last time the two of them had uninterrupted alone time for more than an hour, and she was thrilled by the prospect. Simply being able to have Jane to herself seemed like a treat these days.
"That's fine with me. I'm not that hungry. Am I allowed to ask where we're going? I'm only asking because I need to know what to pack."
"You're not my hostage, Maur. Of course you can ask. No where special. I rented a bungalow on the Cape, so casual clothes and a bathing suit, I guess? I'm having groceries delivered, so no need to pack that kind of stuff."
"Oh! That sounds lovely, Jane. I am going to bring some wine though."
Genuinely comforted by her friend's genuine enthusiasm, Jane smiled. "Great. Do you want help packing?"
"No. I'll just be a minute. Why don't you grab some snacks for the drive."
"Okay. No rush. The Cape's not going anywhere."
As she walked toward her room, Maura began to think about all the ways the weekend could go. Overwhelmed by the wide range of possibilities, Maura tried to focus only on the positive scenarios.
When Maura entered her bedroom, the despondency she had temporarily subdued, tugged at her gut. Sitting on the side of her bed, she fluffed up her hair, held her cold finger tips over her puffy eyes and just breathed for a few minutes. She swallowed a series of sobs and reminded herself that a weekend with Jane was a weekend with Jane, whether or not Jane was going to accept Casey's proposal.
Jane started speaking before she entered Maura's room. "Hey. I hope you're not going to crazy with the fancy clothes and..." Though Maura had had time to get to her feet, it was impossible to fully mask the anguish on her face.
"Hey, are you ok?" Out of habit, Jane slowly ran a hand down Maura's arm, stopping at her elbow and holding tightly.
Maura looked up at Jane, felt her throat begin to tighten, and quickly shot her eyes to the side. After swallowing down the freshly formed sobs, she brought her eyes to Jane's. "Yes. I'm just tired. It's been a crazy week. Well, you know how it's been."
Jane pulled Maura into a comforting hug, rubbing firm circles in the middle of her back. Maura felt instantly comforted and allowed Jane's physical closeness to assuage the burning that had begun to re-form in her stomach.
Speaking softly as she created space between their two bodies, Jane moved her hands to Maura's deltoids and gave a light squeeze. "You sure you want to come? I didn't mean to pressure you."
"I'm absolutely sure. I actually think it's exactly what I need. Let me just grab a few things." Maura's smile was genuine, as she began moving around the room, throwing various articles of clothing onto the bed. "Ok. I think that's everything. Oh! Sunscreen!" As Maura bounced toward the bathroom and Jane chuckled at Maura's animated hops.
After they packed the car, got in and buckled up, Jane stopped before turning the key in the ignition. Without looking at Maura, she spoke with a steady voice. "Thanks, Maura."
"Jane, you're the one treating me to a weekend at the Cape. Really, I should be thanking..."
"No. Don't." Jane removed one hand from the steering wheel and dropped it over Maura's hand on her lap. "Thank you for coming. I just really want to be alone with you, and I feel like it can't be here, in Boston."
"Jane." Maura pursed her lips and dropped her head toward her right shoulder.
"I've been a selfish asshole, and you've stuck by me. I really don't deserve you and I'm sorry."
"You've stuck with me through a lot, Jane." Moving her other hand over Jane's, Maura smiled reassuringly. "That's what friends do."
"Well, I'm a total bitch to you sometimes, but we can leave it at that for now and get on our way. But, thanks, Maura. Just thanks." With one final squeeze of Maura's hand, and a quivery smile, Jane withdrew her hand, started the car and pulled out of the driveway.
Maura sat totally still, breathing back tears. She felt guilty that she couldn't muster up the strength to be happy for Jane and Casey; she felt guilty for never having been one-hundred percent honest with Jane; above all else, she felt guilty that every time Jane touched her, all she could think about was kissing her.