"人と比べるんじゃなくて、自分は自分"

"Hito to kuraberun jyanakute, jibun ha jibun"

"Don't compare yourself to others, you are yourself."

Wmatsui Two Shot –

Part I - Things mustn't continue this way...

When was it that I started comparing myself to you, despite having such a quote that I shouldn't? I swore to myself, deep inside my heart that I wouldn't compare myself to you. Yet, I contradicted myself badly. Maybe those words I've said, were actually meant for myself.

Yes, there were things we shared. But we weren't the same person.

I didn't meant for things to take a change like this.

Is it possible for me to atone to my sins and lies to you?

I'd like to return to those days where we'd tease each other endlessly, share glances every now and then, treating each other like we were each, the most important person, the significant other of our lives.

Having me compare myself with you unknowingly, or maybe I had just tried to brush off what was obvious. Things that were on the surface, clear as glass. I must have been sarcastic with words I spoke to you. I must have hurt you deeply.

It hurts me having to watch you from afar, interacting so naturally with others and them having a conversation with you, not having any care in the world.

With a gentle smile on your face, one you did give anyone, including me, you'd show a concern for the group members. Our Kouhais. Helping them recover from any trouble they seem to have. Not noticing the stare I'd gave you, behind you back, every once in a while.

Why won't you look at me? Care for me? Like you did years ago?

Have I long past the age you'd show interest to?

Am I just the passing showering in your life? Someone insignificant that even after all these while I had been close to you, you chose to be blind to the wound that I've caused you – unwilling to let me apologise to you.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Tapping on my phone, then finally uploading a blog post for the day. I shot glances to the long hair beauty. The older girl was standing about 4 feet away from me. I forced myself to tear away the glare I had on the other members who interacted closely and intimately with her.

Returning to my phone when a message sounded, I slide my fingers to unlock my smartphone before I search the most recent notification.

Jurina. You are being too obvious. Control yourself!

It was a LINE message from Nishishi who had just returned from the caterings a minute ago, getting food for herself and me.

Scoffing at her message, I rolled my eyes as I turned to meet the short haired woman.

Like always, she held this small grin on her face.

It was when she finally arrived in front of me that she bend down, placing the food atop the table, whispering into my ears as she leaned towards my ear. "Didn't you guys make up after the letter you wrote for her birthday?" the short haired woman settled next to me.

"Oh right." I rolled my eyes once again. "If only it went that well." I shrugged at shoulders as I continued, "It was only on the surface that things have gone back to normal."

Chewing on her food Nishishi shot me a glance, "Yea. Yea." She swallowed. "Maybe if you hadn't started the problem, there would be none now."

I sighed.

"What's done, is done." I leaned back into my chair. "I was way too childish back then." My eyes shifted to the long hair woman for a few seconds then darted back in front of me to looking into the blank space. "But…" my eyes growing distant as each second passed. "It's too late to regret anything."

-x-x—x-x-x-

Soon, lunch break was over and it was time the members either leaving for the other work they had or leave for home for the day.

Practice was over today.

Packing my bag silently, I was deep in thoughts.

I was free this afternoon too. By any chance Rena had the afternoon off, I could invite her my place. I really need a talk with her. Nothing gonna change if I just stood by and watch things go.

Bracing myself for any outcome, I sling my bag over my shoulders. Walking over to where Rena was packing her own bag, I tapped her shoulders. She jolted back a little from surprise as her head turned to find the source of her shock.

"Oh." A gentle smile creeping up to her lips. "Jurina. Are you ready to go home for the day?" she started off the conversation lightly. "I actually have the afternoon off too."

My eyes widen from her words. "Really?" I tried confirming.

"Yes."

"Then…" I stood up straight, my eyes looking directly into hers. "Would you like to come over for some tea? And… maybe have some talk?"

"Sure." She replied almost immediately, supressing the surprise I had - for her being the one inviting me. "I have something to talk to about too." I saw a small but genuine smile on her face, satisfied with the answer I gave.

After the quick pack up and tidying of the leftover mess in the room, we left for my home on the train. The journey was quiet, neither of us spoke. It was as if, we needed the time to steel up the courage we had, sort out the thoughts and words we had to say.

It was clear then, that Rena had known that things could not continue this way.

That it must have an end where it had its beginning years ago.

The conclusion and answers we had been BOTH waiting for. It will reveal itself once we set foot and settled ourselves comfortably in my room.

I felt a warm and gentle touch over my hand. It was reassuring. In response to her touch, I turned my hand and intertwined my fingers with hers.

She didn't reject my touch but instead, she returned my actions, gripping tightly on my hand.

A small smile formed on my lips.

Everything is gonna be alright. I just know it.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

To be continued...