Crash and Burn: The Story of Love or Hate

Dedicated to:
-.- myhopelessromance -.-

Just because I love you.

Under the books and the dreamy smile,
I'm still just a girl, under a love spell for a while.

-Samsafanfic-

Chapter One: Not Ready To Go

Are you unhappy, or are you low?

I should be leaving but I'm not ready to go

I'm not ready to go

I'm not ready to go

"Not Ready To Go" - The Trews

There were beautiful trees and fields filled with a wonderful variety of wildflowers from where I came from. There were forests of trees that were filled with a canopy of leaves and a whole bunch of beautiful colors that flourished wherever I went.

Our home had been a nice, medium sized cottage that sat on a hill that overlooked our humble village. I didn't need a gigantic mall, a sports car, or a richly furnished school to make me happy. Just the fresh, clear oxygen in the air, the faint glowing lights of the village at night, and the sprinkle of stars in the dark, night sky. That was all I needed… all I've ever needed.

Too bad I was leaving all of that behind.

The city was everything I hated. I could tell that it would take me a lot of time getting used to it. As we left our village behind and crept closer towards the city, I could already see the tinge of grey in the sky, the tell tale sign of pollution in the air. The burst of wind passing past my face through the open window was tainted with the city gas.

It disgusted me.

"You're mad at me, aren't you?" Mom accused from the driver's seat. I could feel the hair on the back of my neck stand on end at her gaze but she already knew the answer.

I didn't understand why she thought I deserved this, since I've never really been the rebellious kind of child. Needless to say, my routines at home were fairly simple. I'd wake up, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, throw on a pair of pants and a sweater and go to school. Once I returned home, I would help out in the kitchen, go watch the sun set on the porch with a book in my hands, finish my homework and then get to bed, hopefully a bit of daydreaming in between everything.

I liked to be alone, left to my own thoughts and my own devices. School wasn't any different. I was just happy that I blended in, a shadow of a student that came and left school without disturbing anyone.

You could actually say that I was lonely. Not that I minded, really.

But now...

"Amu-chan, please," my mom begged, a tinge of guilt in her voice. Just hearing her this way made my heart ache.

"I'm not mad, mom," I told her softly, pushing a small smile her way.

"I just want you to see what it's like here!" She said, still a tad on the defensive side. "There's a beautiful school that you'll absolutely love! I'm positive!" She seemed so excited for me. She'd been squealing all morning about this new school of mine and the more she did, the less excited I became.

"Like I said, I'm fine. I just wish it wasn't a boarding school."

That's right. She was driving me to a school where I would stay in a dorm, with a stranger. This meant that I'd have to interact with this stranger… everyday! Interacting with my mom was hard enough. But with a stranger?!? Never gonna to happen.

I mean, if I have difficulties letting the woman that brought me into this world talk to me, then what were the chances that I'd feel comfortable talking to some other person?

"Mom, I really don't think this is a good idea," I told her for what seemed to be the hundredth time. "You know what I think about city kids."

I turned away from the window to look at my mom. Her hands were firm on the wheel, her eyes gazing intently on the road before her. I looked like her. Or so I've heard. In my opinion, I couldn't see the resemblance at all.

She had auburn curls that cascaded down past her shoulders, ending just below her shoulder blades. Her eyes were a sparkly honey that flared with life. She was beautiful, to put it simply.

Me, the puny girl at her side, her daughter… wasn't. Well, it was safe to say I wasn't horrendously ugly. I was just… plain. Unlike my mother, I had pink, straight hair that curled at the tips. It was a couple of shades darker than bubble-gum pink, and fell just past my shoulders. My eyes were a boring golden-brown, the same as my dad's, who unfortunately, had died a few months before.

There were days when I'd look in the mirror and wonder who the girl in the mirror was. And sometimes, I surprised myself. I wasn't ugly, but I wasn't pretty either.

"Amu," my mom sighed, clearly a bit frustrated with me. "Can't you just try this? For me, please?"

I rolled my eyes, looking at her earnest expression. She could be such a drama queen at times. "I wouldn't be sitting in this car if I wasn't doing this for you, Mom," I told her pointedly.

She smiled my way; taking her eyes off of the road and I jumped, steadying the wheel with my own hands. "Mom! How many times have I told you to keep your eyes on the road?!"

She was a hazard to society, that much was for sure. And I'm am not being a drama queen—she's just about as clumsy as me… and that's definitely saying something.

She chuckled at my expense and I sighed with relief when she complied. "I'm going to try, okay? I'm just saying now, that it's only because I love you so much, that I'm doing this."

"I love you too," my mom replied sweetly. "And you know, when I finish my tour for "You Can Do Better", we'll take that trip to wherever like that I promised you, okay?"

"Sure, mom."

My mom was an author. She wrote a lot of books for adults and teens. I've read a few of them, including the one that she would be touring the world to advertise. It was called "You Can Do Better" and it was about woman and dating. How we ladies had to increase our standards for the men that we should date and how we could do better than the lying/cheating/using/abusive exes of our past.

She's a specialist for the whole dating thing. Most of her books were either romantic comedies, beauty tips, how to get the man of your dreams, or just something to make women feel better about themselves. I thought it was all a little pathetic, but then again, that's just me. I didn't believe in the internet dating, phone dating, blind dating scene. All of it just seemed to scream pathetic.

She had, of course, tried to set me up with some boys, but all of them had ended horribly. I like to think that the boys thought I was too boring for their tastes. My mom said it was because they were nervous around me.

Pfft. Nervous my arse.

Not that I cared about boys. Having a boyfriend? Ha! I could easily do without them. I was my mom's worst nightmare because… well, I despised guys.

Okay, fine. I didn't despise guys. It's just, well… screw the boys! They're hopeless! Of course, I've had a few thoughts about what it would be like having a boyfriend. I mean, even the most dense, most anti-boyfriend person has had those thoughts. Even lesbians have those thoughts! [And no, I am definitely not a lesbian. I just don't think that guys are worth the trouble!]

But for me… I find the greatest comfort in books. It was kind of ironic how I found the most perfect boyfriends and they were fictional. Don't try to point out the patheticalness in that. I'm well aware of it.

It was just so frustrating that boys in the real world were pig-headed, conceited, selfish, insensitive, inconsiderate—Ack!!

Don't get me wrong. I like boys as friends. As something other than that? Don't think so. I feel like I'll forever stay single. I'll never have a boyfriend, husband, or children. I personally think it's better to adopt. Too many orphans; not enough parents.

What brought up this strange attitude towards guys? Well, it happened when I lost my first kiss…

It had been on one of the few dates set up by my mom and when Kioshi—I don't even remember his last name—had started pushing his face closer to mine, I had been stupid enough to be curious about what it'd feel like. He looked like an idiot with his lips puckered and his cheeks scrunched up, but still, I had placed my lips on his.

What a mistake that was.

I've never really understood how couples enjoyed the act of kissing after that. It was gross, wet and strangely animalistic. They must be forced to kiss. I had later come to the conclusion that kissing was the downside of having a boyfriend. It was something you had to do—were forced to do. Perhaps it was in the unwritten book of 'being a couple' that my mother has yet to write. After that kiss with Kioshi, I've never kissed anyone else. It was just… unnecessary.

Needless to say, Kioshi looked too… pleased about it, and for the life of me, I couldn't, and have yet to understand why.

"Remember, Amu. I'm coming into your dorm room with you to see if it's clean enough. I'm giving you my card, so you can buy whatever you need to make your room more livable. I'd hate to see you sitting on your bed, lonely, when at least you can be lonely and comfortable at the same time."

I smiled. My mom was so thoughtful… in a weird kind of way, seeing as she pictured me being lonely… damn… she knew me too well.

"You know all I need is food, right? I'm not going to take advantage of my own mom just because she's going on tour."

She shot me a pointed look, taking her eyes off the road again.

"Mom," I warned in a growl.

"Buy an alarm clock. If you're late to your class's everyday because you can't wake up in time, I'm going to kill you!"

"Sure, mom," I said, though I knew I'd probably just use my cell's alarm.

She placed a warm hand on my thigh and gave it a light squeeze. "You're my only daughter—only child—and I want to do everything I can for you. I'm not going to have another child after your dad passed away, so please make me happy, and take my credit card… okay? It's the least I can do when I can't see you for a while," she urged, already rummaging in her purse to look for the credit card in question.

"Mom, seriously, I don't think—"

"Don't 'Mom' me. Just take the card!!"

I took it from her hand and looked at it without much interest. "It's unlimited. I can pay for it with my savings account that Ji-chan left for me."

"Thanks, Mom."

"Don't worry about it, kiddo."

We sat in an awkward silence for a while, looking out at the city flashing past our car windows until we stopped at a pair of large iron gates that were open and inviting.

I gulped at the view. "Mom, you weren't kidding! This place is gigantic!" Think about me! You know how easily I get lost!

I was horrified to hear the twinge of anxiety in my voice. This was terrible! This place was so big, I would get lost the second I stepped foot in that school. Everything was ten times bigger than my small town school, and I hated it. This was just one more thing to hate about the city; they made small towns look so puny.

"Wow! It's everything I thought it'd be and more! I'm so excited for you!" she chirped, driving past the gates and up to a large brick building with a sign that read Alice B.

"I think this is your dorm building. Either this one or Alice D, let me check." [The school is named Alice Blackstone Academy, after a supposedly famous city principal.]

She rummaged in her huge purse, another strange fetish of hers, and dug up a crumpled up, large and yellow envelope that I recognized to contain all of my school information.

"Yup, it's this one, let's go," Mom called, excited. She was practically bouncing in her seat. "I made sure they brought all of your stuff late yesterday night so you could settle in today!!"

I yanked open the car door and stepped out into the afternoon sun, the light bouncing off of the windows of my dorm building flashed before my eyes. "I know mom, you told me this morning and twice in the car," I reminded her.

She smiled sheepishly in return.

I started walking with my mother at my side towards the dorm building and I couldn't help but notice that boys and girls alike turned to admire my mother. She was beautiful… and I could hear the whispers around us like bees buzzing around my head.

"Hey, there's a new girl in town and I can't wait to get to know her..."

"Oh God. Look how much make-up she has on… how else do you get that perfect tint of pale but not pale…?"

"Beautiful…"

It would be a lie to say that I wasn't bothered by this. I mean, this was my mother they were talking about!! New girl in town? Sure, we were new but … even though my mother looked young, she definitely couldn't pass as a fifteen year old teenager like me! Make-up? My mom barely wore any make up!

But that last one was dead on. She was beautiful. No doubt about it.

My mother was a person that made you feel insignificant walking beside her. She had a graceful stride that made her look like she floated and just the jubilant look on her face made her look all the more astounding.

At times like these, I felt so small compared to her.

My mom looked my way, throwing me a reassuring smile before squeezing my hand. "Aren't you excited?!" she whispered conspiratorially, like what she was saying was a secret to my ears and only my ears.

I smiled back, catching her ecstatic mood. "Yes," I whispered back, another smile gracing my lips, "—I am." Not.

We stopped at the check-in counter somewhere near my dorm and my mom checked me in while I waited at the side, looking over the huge campus. I was appalled at the vastness of everything! In the distance, I could hear laughter and there were already groups of friends, talking and hanging out nearby.

The start of the semester would be next week and I felt so small and lonely in this vast campus. Everyone had friends of their own… why would they want to make room for someone like me?

I could only shudder at the thought of starting classes next week. Maybe if I sat at the back of the class near the window, I'd attract less attention.

I smiled at the thought.

A few boys stopped curiously before me and I could only flush with embarrassment and slink to a different corner. What did they want from me? Was I smiling at nothing again?

I put a hand to my cheek and was horrified to feel the definite heat on my cheeks. Remain unnoticed… remain unnoticed…

"Mikan, let's go. I have your key card," my mother called and before I could scan the interested faces that were looking for the famous author's daughter, I rushed in a step in front of her, still hoping to stay out of the public eye.

"Slow down, honey. I have the key card, remember?"

I slowed down. "Mom, could you not speak so loud in public!? I'm trying to keep a low profile, okay? And so far, the more you yell around, the more people keep looking my way!"

She smiled smugly. "Maybe, Amu, it's because you're so beautiful."

I snorted with laughter. "Mom, that's the last thing I am."

"Are you saying that your father and I didn't produce a beautiful child?" she asked, her voice hard with sadness when my father was brought into the situation.

I sighed softly, walking in step behind her. "That's not what I mean."

She shot me a wary look and stopped in front of a closed door, directly at the end of the hall. "Okay, number 584. This is it, Mikan. Now close your eyes and don't open them until I tell you to."

My mom probably had the camera in her hands. She loved to document every moment of my life. A major milestone. Like my first step, when I graduated from potty-training and my first missing tooth… and now this.

I heard the click of the camera's shutters and the swish of the key card in its assigned slot. The slow turn of the knob before she whispered, "Alright… Open!"

I did and I almost screamed.

I could hear the clicks from the camera going off in front of me as my mother documented the moment.

In front of me stood a girl with sparkling purple eyes, long blond hair held up on either side of her head in pigtails, and a frown on her lips. Her arms were folded and her right hip jutted out in an odd angle. Under her eyes were dark black circles and her left foot was tapping, annoyingly on the floor. But even then, she was very pretty…

"H-Hi there, I'm Hinamori Amu," I stammered, my eyes shot to the floor with embarrassment as my mother continued to snicker and take pictures of me.

The smooth voice that replied had a hint of annoyance as she said, "Hoshina Utau. And I can't say that I'm happy to meet you."

Oh, joy.

Here it is: The response to a challenge someone proposed to me via private message. Remember people, this is a work of fanfiction, therefore Amu's character is different… very much so. Especially since the challenge was Mikan being a bookworm, first person POV only, high school, and their pariah as students. Hope I did a decent job…

Samsafanfic