Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story.
The moments of quiet are the ones that you remember most. The dim pale gray light streaming from a window in the winter, the quiet inhale and exhale of suspense after the silence. The glorious whisper of a dream you wish would come true, hidden underneath the mass of blankets trying so desperately to bury yourself to dull the ache of loss.
Peggy Carter knows this most of all. She remembers the ache of looking at his photo, glancing into the past of when he was scrawny skeleton, and wondering what would have happened if he had survived. She remembers the moments where there would be too much empty space, too much emptiness in the room even when it was filled with people. The space that was left behind, where his personality should be. Peggy thinks back, to when he would smile and his eyes would crinkle just barely at the edges. She remembers his quiet righteousness, underneath the mask of slight cockiness. Peggy remembers how careful his hands were, the strokes of his pencil lines coming together, creating an image. Peggy remembers the exact color of his eyes, like the sky on a sunny summer day. She remembers the sound of his breath over the radio, the quiet, desperate inhale of air. As if he was trying to breathe while he still could. She reminisces, of snippets of peace and calm in the chaos. Peggy remembers the silent tears that would slide down her face in the middle of the night, and be lost in the mass of cloth that she buried herself in on her bed. She remembers the bitter thoughts of it should have been me, and, he didn't deserve this and the horrible ache of Oh God, it hurts, he's GONE. Peggy remembers looking out the window in the colder seasons and wondering how it was possible that someone so pure and kind and courageous and determined could simply not exist anymore.
Even now, 5 years later, she sits on a barstool, at the Stork club, on a Saturday, at precisely 8:00 on the dot, and wonders if they could have had a future together. And she is pulled back into the grief of what ifs and quiet moments that they both shared. But now she is the only one who remembers them.