Goodbye, Rachel
AU. Baam caughts up to Rachel.
"Hello, Rachel. I finally caught up to you.
Don't look at me with that face, please. I know you didn't want me to come looking for you.
I'm aware that we're enemies, but, can you listen to what I have to say? Just this one time. After this, I'll never look for you anymore, I promise.
Phew, thank you. I wasn't really sure you'd accept.
You know, Rachel, back when I was in the cave, the moments that we were together were the happiest that I could imagine. I used to spend hours thinking about the games that you taught me so that if we played again, you'd stay just a bit longer. When you left, I recited aloud the lessons that you taught me so that I wouldn't forget anything, be it new words, or random facts, or bits of trivia, and speculated about what else you could tell me about the world outside.
And then, after the rush passed and I was alone in the darkness once more, I laid on my back, watched the light that filtered through the ceiling and thought about tomorrow, when you'd come, and the loneliness would wash away on its own.
It was a shock when you left. I think it was then that I first understood what true 'fear' meant. The next days were… exciting, I guess. It was my first time seeing so many new things. And I made friends. Then I discovered that you were in the Second Floor, and suddenly everything was perfect.
To present, I still consider those days one of the happiest periods of my life. At that time, I… I really was ready to take you up the tower, all the way to the top.
Haha. Don't worry, I didn't come to ask why didn't you take my hand at that moment. I'm not sure I understand, but… It's okay. I just need to accept it.
After that, I didn't know what to do. My light had left me, my friends had left me, and I was alone again. At that time, Ms. Ryun told me that the answer was at the top, so I ended up climbing to try and understand your reasons… But every time we met, you refused to give me an answer.
I became so obsessed at one point that Ms. Ryun got mad at me. Hehe, how shameful. I was lucky that she was with me. Thanks to her, I realized that I had friends by my side, who would stick with me even when I made those kind of unreasonable demands. I was truly blessed. That's what I think.
You know how it goes from there. You kept climbing, I kept chasing. There were some hard battles, I met new friends, and I also had to say some goodbyes. I guess I wasn't strong enough yet to live without farewells.
About half a year ago, our team was waiting to take a test. We were conversing about some of the basic tactics that each position use. Mr. Koon talked about light bearers, and he told me about a very interesting fact. It seems that, to deal with scouts, a light bearer would sometimes lure them to dark zones, give them a bit of time to adjust to it, and then use a sudden flash to blind them. It seems that the longer the scout stayed without light, the longer it would take for them to recover. And it also appears that until their sight returns, all they see is the same light that originally stole them of their senses.
I thought about it so hard that we almost failed the test, but we somehow succeeded at the end and we moved to the next floor. That day, after dinner, I went out to the balcony. However, instead of looking up like always, I looked around. Do you know what I saw?
Light. There was so much light around me. So many stars of all colors, shapes and forms. Mr. Rak's light was boisterous and warm; Mr. Koon's was a bit colder, but always near. Ms. Androssi's was radiant and regal, admired by everyone; Mr. Hatsu's was proud and unchanging; and Ms. Anak was always strong and unbudging. Mr. Leesoo's wasn't as bright, but its color bound them all together and made their shine more dazzling.
Ms. Ryun's light was mysterious and fickle, and very beautiful, always present at the corner of my eyes, showing me the path and daring me to follow. Mr. Laure's was very calm and peaceful, never agitated; the complete opposite of Mr. Dan's, that was always racing around all of the others. Mr. Ran's and Mr. Novicks were constantly clashing, but they seemed more lively when they did so; while Ms. Xia Xia's bounced all around.
Ms. Yihwa's flickered unsteadily from time to time, but it had the brightest core. Mr. Wagnan's seemed average at first glance, but it attracted other lights to him, and became a center around which they orbited. There were also Mr. Horyang's, Mr. Prince's, Ms. Goseng's and Ms. Miseng's, and many, many more.
When I looked down, I saw more light. There was Mr. Boro's, Mr. Sachi's, Mr. Aka, and Mr. Daniel's, that despite growing apart they still sought each other. There was also Mr Chang's and Mr. Quaetro's, that always moved together; and Ms. Elaine's, that had become so brilliant after it was freed.
I also remembered Yuri-noona's light, always moving ahead with confidence; and Mr. Evan's that was constantly chasing after it. Mr. Lero-ro's, helpful and tranquil; Mr. Quant's, Mr. Yinsung's and Teacher's; and Mr. Mazino's light, that shined the brightest of them all.
There was just so much light around me, enough to forever chase the night away. I must have been blind not to notice sooner.
I looked up then, to the sky, and I saw you. You hadn't changed. You were still there, you were still my star. However, now that I had seen all of the other stars, your light seemed so… dull.
Don't you see, Rachel? I was the scout, and you the light bearer. I had spent so much time in the darkness, that when you entered, I could only see your light, and it took me this long to recover, to actually see again.
I came to you today to give you my thanks. Because you came, I saw light. Because I followed the light, I arrived to where I am. But that's enough. I don't think I can follow you anymore. It was hard to reach you. I felt like, the moment I took my eyes off you, your light would be lost amidst the sea of stars that I failed to notice before. So, thank you. Thank you for everything until now.
...Goodbye, Rachel."
"Phew, look at him go. He's come a long way from that naive kid at the Floor of Tests, don't you think?
Why are you so surprised? Did you think we'd let him be alone with you, after all you made him go through? …Well, don't worry too much. I'll respect Baam's decision. He said that he only wanted to talk, so as long as you don't initiate something, I'll keep to myself.
Maan~ he dumped you at last, huh? About time. Some of the ladies on our team were waiting for this moment for ages. Not like he'd notice. Well, he did grow up in a cave, but you'd think staying with a criminal organization would teach him about the pleasures of life and the desires of man and all those things. I bet they'll push me the job to explain everything to him in the end. Sigh~ how am I supposed to go about this…
Still… He's surprisingly insightful. The way he described everything is practically the same as how I see it. ...What? Are you curious? You seriously didn't notice until now? Really… One would think someone who has made it this far in the Tower without abilities of her own would at least see things clearly. ...Well, fine. It doesn't matter anyway at this point if I tell you or not.
Why do you think people are so attracted to Baam? Because he's an Irregular? But then so are you, and I don't see legions of people ready to risk their life at your every wish. Because he's strong? Then how come that not every Ranker has their own entourage wherever they go?
Baam is different than us. He's like the night. He doesn't really have desires or ambitions of his own. He doesn't see the need to step over others to climb, or to betray his comrades for a little extra advantage. That's why people can truly relax when they're with him. They know he won't betray them, and that he would help them with whatever they ask. So, in turn, they're ready to put everything on the line for that safe link.
That he's different, however, implies that the rest of us share some common traits. His was a good metaphor. Stars gather around him. Do you know why we are stars?
That's because we are Regulars. We are the chosen ones. Our desire burns so strongly, that the Tower itself takes notice of us and grants us a chance. But once inside, we find out that we are not the only ones. And we fight. We fight so that we can climb higher, so that our light doesn't fade. That's the reason the night grants us solace. In the dark, there's no need for the lights to outshine the others, because each and every star blazes clearly for everyone to see.
And then there's you. You, who desired to climb the tower, but didn't have the valor to stand on your own. You, who always needs to stay in the shadow of another, brighter light to survive. You, who can't do anything by yourself.
Anyone with a bit of ambition can desire. That's easy. But only the desperate and the most determined ones shine bright enough to be noticed. Your ambition wasn't strong enough, so you weren't chosen, but you wouldn't give up and sneaked your way past the doors when Baam opened them, isn't that right?
How do I know that? I heard everything from the man himself. The ladies tied him to a chair and forced him to spill the beans about his past. I also heard some other interesting things, too.
For example. Before entering the Tower, you kept visiting Baam. If you abhorred him that much, why did you do so? Maybe his darkness gave a meaning to the bit of light that you had, that couldn't be seen anywhere else? Or maybe I got it backwards, and you felt good knowing that your meager light could affect someone so much?
And then, at the Floor of Test, you tried to kill him. You had been together with him for years. Taught him, educated him. If you really didn't want him to follow you, you could have just passed the test and disappeared immediately. You could have also talked to him directly and avoid all the hassle. Yet, you went for the most harmful method. Just what were you so afraid of? Maybe that your light would get swallowed in the pure darkness? Or maybe, now that you were no longer the only star in the sky, you'd be out-shined and no longer visible among all of the brighter, new ones?
What? You got angry? Good. I haven't forgiven you, and probably never will. I even promised that whatever you managed to grab, I'd take from you, remember? But that's no longer necessary.
I heard from Baam, you know. About your goal.
It's pathetic. Laughable. It's so pitiful that I won't even bother to interfere to see you fail.
This is not a taunt nor a provocation. You will not succeed. It is completely impossible.
You wanna now why? That's easy.
Someone who's afraid of the night will never see the stars.
They only shine during the night, after all.
...Well, do your best. I better get going now. Baam will get suspicious if I'm not there when he arrives.
See ya never, Miss Irregular."