PUSH × PULL: ENAMORED
Written on: 12/20/18
Posted on 12/20/18
A/N: PUSH × PULL is a collection of abandoned ideas that I turned into quick drabbles.
i. Enamored
Rating: K+ / T
Genre: Romance, Existential, Rewind (term I will start to use when rewriting/re-narrating scenes from canon)
Summary: Three years later, I find myself pondering that love was not love. It was infatuation.
TW: rape mention (alluded), violence and gore referenced.
There is the subtlety of infatuation that we seem to overlook; ladies and gentlemen, there is no such thing as true love nor is there such a thing called falling in love. It is attraction and desire, euphemized so sublimely in order for us to romanticize—normalize—the concept of attraction. Then, when man sees the truth, utters out the taboo—infatuation. It was abhorrent, to desire momentarily and therefore described the word as such and therefore love had been born. It latched onto every human being's heart, until it grew into their beating organs and spewed out the most nonsensical thoughts and adverse effects.
There is no need, no reason, to justify or even reason murder; absolutely no reason to do so. Suicide, homicide, accident, collateral damages, loss of life is as it is and murder is simply the taking of another or one's own life: murder of another or murder of oneself. Akin to this love, love is love and so is desire. What do I desire to implant into your minds? Ladies and gentlemen, love is simply desire, euphemized for an eternal yearning and commitment. Desire is desire. People are so foolish to have made other humans choose: fall in love or be infatuated? They are simply the same! By the Gods!
Forgive me, for I am but a youthful flower. True, my purity retains—I am as clean as the day I have been born, my soul is untouched and my body is owned by none however my heart—oh, my heart—it is soured and blackened. It is doused in woe and infatuation. I am enamored by my own sorrow.
Haha! I speak so haughtily in my mind when in fact I am no diplomat, linguist, philosopher or whichever profession that could fit! I speak as if I am an old lady (or man, whichever!) who have lived over centuries, remembered her past lives and have scoured the earth (and yes, the world is round—to hell to those who deem it to be flat!). In truth, I am a sixteen year old high school girl. If I could speak the way I think I probably would make a fortune (not that the way I think is any astonishing), but I may have such a talent put to good use—I mayhap enter the course International Relations, I think it would be a lovely concept—nah!
Yes, I am an eighteen (turning nineteen quite soon) year old girl—yet my soul has lived half a thousand years past—and my soul still yearns to turn back the time and grovel the ground to go back to where it belongs.
Forgive me, there is no other way for me to speak other than to scream in my mind—I have been wallowing in my sorrow for over three years—and there had been no one to hear my thoughts other than my excruciating negativity.
Desire is desire. It simmers down, but it will and always will exist whether it is at the surface or the depths of your heart. Whether or not the host of your desire has passed, it still remains embedded in your heart. And I have learned this the day I found him. A man whom I had been infatuated with—a man I so desired quite innocently—hold his hand, touch his ears, tangle my fingers within to silver tresses, stay by his side, hear his drumming heart, memorize the way he breathes, find his snores to be my lullaby. It was innocent, and quite embarrassingly, cringe worthy and yet I still find myself, three years later, still desiring to do the same. I learnt of how desire felt like with him. I learnt what desire is when he desired her—no, not me—that woman. Oh, I do not hate her, if I said so I would be hating myself (truth be told, I do hate aspects of myself but I do not hate her). I admit, I have grown envious of her soul—grown envious of how her soul tangled with his yet mine remained like oil and water with his.
She was a lovely woman, mature and very much capable, if I were a man I probably would have desired her as well (but I am not, and as a woman I am envious of her yet I also admired her). Then do I desire her? No, absolutely not! However, I did (and probably still) desire to be like her. I was only a young teen back then, I was lost in who I am, truly? Oh, you know, those intrusive thoughts—was I really of any significance in this world? My family was... average—yes, a little peculiar, but average. I was not the top of my class, not in any subjects, I was not a teacher's pet (but a few did like me!), I only had a few close friends although I was not necessarily ostracized in my school, or at the very least, my class. I was average, I was fairly normal—will I ever have any worth in the future? So then, with those thoughts, of course—I yearned, I desired to have a sense of purpose! I was completely and fully taken by the art of living, of existing!
And that day fell before my very own eyes. It was like my heart and soul had been douse din kerosene and set my fate on fire. Yes, this was what I needed—the adrenaline, the purpose! I was tangled in the arms of a monster, pulled into the well my grandfather so profusely made clear not to get near to without proper guidance and talismans! But I do not shy away from the fact that I was overwhelmed with fear. Was my purpose to die such a horrid death? I wondered—all I knew I wanted to live, of course, it was human to survive—thus, my survival instincts came and even if it was foolish I just screamed "Stop!" to that demon and wow, was I truly this peculiar? Light shone from my palm and some invisible force had disintegrated the monster's arm!
Nonetheless, I am not here to re-narrate the obvious; I rather not remember every detail—or rather, explain every bit of it.
It was, as well, on that day I met the love of my life.
Yes, I announce such because my soul had been torn the moment I saw him. Granted, I acted rather casually (and curiously) the first moments; my soul had trembled and felt warm against him. It was also on that day I had made my first grave sin (I shattered the Sacred Jewel). Who could have known! This idiotic man continued to proclaim how my previous life was a master archer and claimed that I may have the talent as well! It was infuriating, I tell you! And because of such I had no other way but to release the arrow and although I caught my target, there were repercussions. The arrow hit right at the center of the jewel and shattered it to hundreds of fragments. Thought it may be small, its power still had of significance. And so, my life had been carved on divine hands on that day. I had to make amends—no, I had to protect the Jewel. It was infuriating, but a sense of relief washed over my soul. This was... this was my purpose? And so I lived in the moment, infatuated with my purpose, without even any consideration of what will be of me when the mission has been closed?
I had never considered it until it was time to let go of my life.
But... but that is not what I have come to tell you; the beginning or the end does not concern me, it was what happened in between!
I can no longer accurately pinpoint when it had happened, it was a humid day—I remember—the sun was painstakingly quite direct with its heat on that day as well. The clouds were nearly nonexistent and the sky was kind despite the sun's sultry heat. I had thought it would be a normal day (by normal I meant, just casually trekking around the forest, slaying some demons while I stand idly, slightly alert of course if I wanted my head intact by the end of the day, then announce where the jewel shards were located—occasionally purifying some things) however the scent of blood washed over all our senses—and it were heightened when a nearly dead man came grovelling on the ground and found us. It was too late to save him from the hands of death, and so we ran to the source of the scent and once we found the village—God, the horror. Yes, I have witnessed murder (hell, I was kidnapped and almost eaten!), but this... that was a whole massacre. My spine still shivers at the member it was too macabre.
Ah, I was sidetracked in my memory, moving forward—Inuyasha, he had fought some wolves, I pitied them, slightly, wolves in my time were not very common so I always wondered what fate had in store for them. Nonetheless, they were demon wolves—man eating wolves, to be specific—so I had to keep my sympathies aside and place my duty before anything else. Not before long, the wolves retreated and howled. It was neither of victory or retreat, they were calling reinforcements! And not before long, I had sensed the Sacred Jewel fragments. Three of them, mind you. I did not even have the time to utter a warning to Inuyasha as our opponent dashed and arrived not too long after.
Fear overcame me more than what mayhap be my girlish desire lingered.
"Inuyasha, watch out! He has—"
And the hanyou ignored her warning and proceeded to argue with the demon. Damn him! Nonetheless I never let go of my worry.
"You reek of human blood—how many have your killed?!" The words he spat out seeped of bitter hatred.
The demon on crossed his arms, his casual (although slightly annoyed, he was still infuriated with how his dear wolves were murdered) expression remained unchanged, "I just let them feed—any complaints, you dog?" He stated as a matter of fact.
Well, that was a very honest answer. Kagome ought to argue as well, murder was not an option, then again—humans did murder animals for the sake of food. Basically the roles were just reversed. They were man-eating wolves! Of course they fed on humans! It was in their culture, their biological data that they eat human flesh. How peculiar it is that the food pyramid—food chain—operated like this.
"You call me a dog?!" Inuyasha was thrown into puzzlement (and slightly hurt, his pride was scorned).
"I hate the smell of dogs." The casual expression turned heated, his arms fisting and thrown to his sides as he bared his fangs, "It makes me sick to my stomach!" The wolf demon spat venomously.
Inuyasha smirked, "Well then, I'll slit that belly in two... and let some air through!" Immediately, the hanyou jumped into battle—taking advantage of the first move and used his blade to attack him from above.
Would you believe me that, for a moment, I thought that they had some sort of connection right on that moment? It was not some sort of romantic connection; I doubt it ever will be. It was an odd intuition, a nagging feeling and thought, that their connection was more of a messy entanglement. I could not describe this intuition, I'm telling you—but it had haunted my thoughts so subtly that it was hard to forget or even remember!
He had thought he would gain some upper hand (especially that he had trust in his mighty blade), however as he sparred a close handed combat with the demon, however his opponent smoothly took a step back and jumped out of the target spot. His movements quick enough that before Inuyasha had picked his blade up, he had delivered a kick on the hanyou's left cheek, throwing him to the sidelines. The demon's expression remained unchanged, as if unfazed.
"Inuyasha, what out!" I screamed immediately, she was sure Inuyasha would finally listen! "He's using the power of the Sacred Jewel—his right arm and both legs!" Now this would get through that thick, impulsive skull of his! I let my gaze remain on Inuyasha, worry filling my heart, though this was not the first time we had encountered a demon who had more than one shard implanted in their bodies... this was the first demon that I have seen to have great control with their shards. I never put much thought to it until ma much later time, actually. I never thought of how his shards were not completely tainted—it glowed a bright pink light that lingered dark spots. It was peculiar. Hiten, I remember him, he was a demon who bore multiple shards as well—yet his shards were completely tainted.
It was my sole, loyal worry to Inuyasha that had made me overlook the surprised and knowing gaze the wolf demon had towards me.
"Damn! Why didn't you say so earlier?!" Inuyasha said angrily as he rubbed his sore face. He got back on his feet and held the hilt of his sword, "That explains why you're acting so cocky!" Inuyasha too, overlooked, the slight lack of attention the wolf demon had—as if something else had captured his attention—but he had no time for whatever that the wolf demon had his eyes on. What he needed to do was exterminate this wolf demon and grab his shards!
"Hah! Stop whining like a sick dog!"
"You have the Sacred Jewel fragments and that's the limit of your power? What a laugh!" Inuyasha spat, taunting him, hoping to graze through that prideful exterior of his.
"Shut up, mutt!" Inuyasha growled at the nickname, he didn't want to be some dog and more so a derogatory term, mutt.
"Back off, you stray wolf!" This had made the wolf demon's blood boil, if there was another thing that a wolf hated it was being called a stray!
I had to inwardly face palm at the situation, my other two human friends—a monk and a demon slayer—had also noted the uncouth nature that the two demons had. Then my friend noted how the wolf demon was one of the Wolf Demon tribe.
"I'm the young leader of the Yorozoku." The demon began, "Remember the name—Kouga!"
Then my heart curled and throbbed. I didn't understand why.
They continued to fight, but my attention—though were stuck on Inuyasha—my thoughts wandered and waltzed along with my heart. I tell you this, my friends, I desired something... something; I never really knew what I desired. But I was human who knew what desire was! There's something... something I wanted! I just didn't know what and it was confusing and honestly had made my patience run thin. As I absentmindedly watched the fight unfold, I let my spirit project itself into the other plane of existence.
I was thrown out of my stupor when I heard a wooden shed crash to pieces. I looked over at the smoke and dust that accumulated due to the impact. Kouga.
"Look at you! You have your hands full just being on defensive!" Kouga noted with a smirk on his lips.
I widened my eyes slightly, was this opponent that strong? But he was completely and utterly clueless with Inuyasha's true strength! I balled my fists, feeling the heat of the moment. Tessaiga! His blade that is able to cut through a hundred demons!
Kouga sped towards Inuyasha and the hanyou lifted his blade. This is it! Inuyasha was going to use Wind Scar! Once Inuyasha seemed to have found the right moment, he was to finally unleash his move when Kouga halted his moves and took steps back.
"Watch out!" His voice roared, as he jumped away, landing atop a roof of a stable house. "Hey, retreat! This is dangerous!" Not before long, the remaining wolves began to follow him as Kouga ran away from the battle, leaving the hanyou and the rest of the others dumbfounded.
"W...what the...!" Inuyasha could not even form the words out of evident surprise and puzzlement.
"He ran away...," I uttered, equally just as surprised, "he makes up his mind quick." I noted.
Miroku, the monk who travelled along with us, interjected, "Inuyasha, were you to use the Wind Scar?" He inquired.
Inuyasha let his blade rest, reverting to its rusty old form as he sheathed it. "Yeah... but he just ran. He's only talk." He said with a click of his tongue before turning his body to face the other male.
"I wonder," the monk's brows furrowed.
"What?"
"That Kouga would not know the power of the Tessaiga." He began, "If he knew instinctively that he was in danger..."
"It's not just brute strength we're up against." Their other companion, Sango, the demon slayer, finished.
Eventually I let my attention drift again.
Let me tell you, my mind was so preoccupied that by nightfall I still brought the topic of the wolf demons. Sango and out little fox demon companion, Shippo, did not seem to mind after all, if there were an oddly strong demon I would oftentimes ask of its nature to those with better knowledge of them. As I gained insight of their kind from Sango and Shippo I only sighed in ponder. Fortunately, this whole situation did not end up occupying my whole attention. I was still very much focused on my duty to reassemble the Sacred Jewel however the thought of meeting Kouga once again lingered at the back of my mind. There was no way our group will not encounter him once more—it worried me. This demon, Kouga, was unlike the others. Yes, he bore more fragments than usual and he was definitely more aware than others. He had a good head, a sense of duty as well as compassion for his wolves seeing as he put his comrades first before the battle. Perhaps that was because he was a wolf? They were always in a pack.
That was a first.
A first of what, you may ask, I cannot remember. All I knew was that on that moment my heart knew something. It was a first that I may have over complimented an enemy.
I never really thought of the future that thoroughly, I never would have expected the outcome of events to turn out that way. I was sure that I would meet him again, as an enemy, but I never caught wind of the possibility of being... enamored by him?
It happened not soon after, the day after actually. With Inuyasha's keen sense of smell, we eventually were able to track him down. There was no other reason to blindly walk around waiting for a jewel sharp to appear within my senses and so we decided to follow the wolf demon's trail—and hopefully, succeed in obtaining his three shards before they accumulate more in the hands of the wolf demon.
While on a mountain and travelling, suddenly a pack of wolves came running straight towards our group and attacked us—three, I remember, three wolves sped straight to Inuyasha, biting a part of his clothes and pushed him off the cliff, the others remained to target Sango and Miroku. But I only had my focus on the hanyou that was thrown off the mountainside. I sped by the edge and looked over.
"Inuyasha—!"
And suddenly a wave of strong gust of wind crossed and I instinctively step back, I looked up and before I could even react my eyes only widened until an arm was encircled around my waist and hoisted me up from the ground, picking me up and taking me away from my friends.
"No, what...?!" I knew what would happen, but God did I hope I was wrong. Unfortunately I wasn't.
Kouga jumped off the edge of the cliff, "With the Sacred Jewel fragments in my legs... this cliff is nothing!"
Dear God! I was not ready, not at all; never will I ever be ready! I screamed, I felt my throat burn and I still remember vividly how heavy my body felt as I fell (sort of fell, I was held by him but I still was falling!).
"No! You're not reaching it!" I saw him aim to step on the other mountain.
Well, he did, his feet was burrowing into the side of the mountain, seeing a way to slow his movements. But whatever, I literally just screamed and screamed—forgive me, I was only fifteen at that time and I was sure suicide was not in my agenda as of yet!
"We're gonna fall!" I cried out, God I was desperate, alright?
The wolf demon stopped, grabbing the mountain, until he scolded his hostage, "Shut up! Stop screaming!" then continued to hike up the mountain with wide jumps.
"I will scream!" I shouted back at him furiously. "Kyah! Kyah! Kyaaah!"
I think about it, the way his arms strongly held mine and putting me in place, making sure that I would not fall on his watch.
Ladies and gentlemen let me tell you, oh god, how I became mildly aware of how he held me. I suppressed my thundering emotions and wandering thoughts, but my skin doesn't fail and my senses definitely picked up the way he held me. It was rough, though safe. But I doubt he had an ounce of care anyways—I was going to be lunch, I just know it! My heart cried, oh god, was this going to be the end of my journey? For a moment I wondered if it would have been better being crushed by an Ogre demon's foot—it was gruesome, but at least the death would be quick—I definitely might prefer that instead of being bitten, chewed piece by piece by a pack of demon wolves!
Eventually my fear subsided—no, it was still fear but it wasn't about the fact I might be eaten—I saw a shadow of a creature that flew over us. I heard the way its wings flapped; it was a bird, but...
"W—what... a bird?" I stuttered out nervously. "But... isn't it awfully big for a bird?" I thought for the worst possible conclusion. A shard infused bird, or a demon bird. Either one isn't making her fear subside. "If that's not a bird, then—!" I looked up slightly and saw round... yes, round odd flying creatures with half a man atop its ball body. There was a whole flock of them, all with hunger filled eyes! God, was this wolf demon going to offer me then?!
"W—what are they?!"
"Those stupid birds are gathering to come after me." Kouga spat out with a frown. He paused then turned his head to look at me, "Good timing... Now, look hard."
I looked at him with slight confusion.
"Do you see any among the with Sacred Jewel fragments?"
Ah. "Sacred Jewel fragment...?" I looked back at the flock of peculiar demon birds and squinted hard, none. "No... None of them." I uttered with a hushed tone. It would be bad if these birds caught wind of my ability to see the shards (I figured I was like those limited time, on sale, collectible radars that was auctioned off). "Do those demons also have fragments?" If Kouga was asking, and for sure he was also hunting for the shards, then it may be possible these two clans of demons are at war for each other's fragments.
"So... None of 'em have it, huh?" He said with a slight tone of disappointment (and slight relief). Well I don't care, but I did care that he wasn't answering my question! "Then I've got no use for 'em." He said with a slight shrug before speeding away once again. "So long! Now scram!" he shouted towards the flock of birds that had their eyes on him—or me—or us.
Eventually we ended up in some inside—hidden waterfall. God I feel sick. The travel and the way I was carried pushed my abdomen and if I was not used to travelling I might have spewed my breakfast already. My head was throbbing by this time and I was not exactly in the best of moods (not like I was ever in a solid good mood anyways!)
"It's Kouga!" An unfamiliar voice rang, "Kouga's back!"
"Hey, Kouga!" Another voice registered in my mind. I didn't have any time or memory storage to scrutinize on each of their identities, all I knew was that I wanted to be put down—these people were probably more from his pack!
"Yo, I'm back." Kouga announced.
I look up, ignoring my growing nausea, worry and confusion building up in my head as I held onto my captor, "Where is this?" I uttered, as I scanned my surroundings I saw the rest of the wolves and wolf demons—actually, it was hard to decipher which is which, for all I know some of the wolves here were the demons and some were just plain wolves. This is the Wolf-Demon Tribe's den! God, I was in it for an awful day, huh?
After a few greetings—one that I didn't even need to hear, all their voices was sending me a sensory overload—my stomach was still acting up as well. I just wanted him to put me down! Soon enough my quiet wishes were heard. Though Kouga had put me down—he held onto my arm, painfully. I didn't like it—it was pressing onto my flesh, I can feel his nails digging through my uniform—! Then I was lead inside the waterfalls—it was a cave and there were more wolves inside, why am I not surprised?
As I stood by the doorway, their howls echoed. Uhu... I want to go home. Then Koga began to walk forward, I had no other choice but to follow him.
"Hey, Kouga! Who's that woman?" I didn't know who or even placed an ounce of care on who spoke.
This place is full of man-eating wolves and skeletons! So much for good ambiance and hygiene, it reeked of decay and raw flesh and meat! I looked around, I couldn't tell if my nausea was out of fear or from travelling—all I knew was that I was hyper aware of the looks the other demons had on me.
Not before long I was thrown at some bedding, it wasn't soft—but it wasn't exactly hard. It was like piled up hay. So I'm sort of thankful it wasn't solid hard. I clutched onto the bedding, my side aching at the harsh treatment. I looked up slightly, seeing the other demons gather around—their gazes hungry. Yes, literally hungry! They were about to eat me!
I remembered reading a documentary, it was about a fair Japanese teenage, she was in high school, she was so beautiful (I can say this is true, I saw a photograph of her and I was absolutely caught breathless, her skin seemed fair and pale and her smile was almost divine!), apparently some Yakuza boy saw her and immediately was intrigued, apparently he wanted to claim her. And so he confessed, of course confident that the woman would agree to be his woman. The article state dhow the woman politely declined which had made the Yakuza boy infuriated. The next few days, the Japanese woman was caught in some danger as she walked home from school, then a boy in her school saved her. Out of gratitude, she let the boys walk her home until she was knocked out unconscious.
The next thing I remember reading was that the Japanese woman was held captive in the Yakuza boy's house and was raped. I remember having to close my phone and go to the bathroom to wash my face, it was horrifying, and I tell you. The woman was not raped by normal means, her womanhood was penetrated by different tools—even a lit up light bulb that had shattered inside her (bulbs are fragile and easily shattered!) I shivered at the memory of reading that article. She cried, screamed and was repeatedly beaten. I won't even go to the details, many boys had penetrated her, beaten her and no matter how much she cried no help came. This happened for forty-four days until she died and her corpse was thrown in a barrel where she was covered in cement.
This... this feeling—I felt it! I felt her fear! Those demon wolves looked at me and I felt as if the spirit of that Japanese Woman possessed me and took control of my heart, I was in so much fear!
"Hey, Kouga! Tasty-looking prey!" Oh my god, please let me out, please let this be a bad dream! Of course I won't be raped, I'll just be torn apart limb by limb while they tangle their fingers into my organs and rip it out then shove it into their hungry mouths while I cried for help!
"Lemme eat some of her!" Uhu...
Thank you, Mama, Souta, Jii-chan, this was a good life.
I was to close my eyes when Kouga spoke, "This woman is not food!" He paused, looking over at his fellow demon wolves, "I'll kill anyone who takes a bite outta her!" he said, emphasizing on kill. I opened my eyes, looking at the fear stricken wolves then looked back at Kouga. Oh no... What is going to happen to me... then again, he asked me about the Jewel fragment earlier—then. Ah, I get it now, with my ability to sense the Sacred Jewel fragment, I suppose he aims to take me hostage to work with him. Either that or become wolf demon dinner. Then again, at the very least—at least they won't kill me yet. That was much better, that meant I had some chance of escaping, someday—hopefully soon.
Then some cries of the wolves caught my attention.
Kouga looked behind, his wolves were sniffing his tail?
"Ah," He then raised his tail and—! Shippo! He was dizzy and stuck on Kouga's tail! It must have been the speed of their travel that had him dizzy! The wolf demo ncasually plucked the fox demon out and threw him onto the clear ground, "Here, go and eat him." He said nonchalantly and the wolves circled around Shippo.
Regaining consciousness, the tiny fox demon looked around in frenzy and cried, "W—what...! K—Kagome...!"
I stood up, ignoring whatever blood rush that came to my brain and ran up to Kouga, "Wait a second!" I announced, "You want my help right?!" His gaze averted from the fox demon to me, "If you lay a hand on Shippo, I refuse to help you!" This would kill me but I don't care, Shippo mattered more! I won't let a friend of mine die on my watch!
Then he only smirks, "Oh? Then that makes it easy." Huh?
Kouga then walks towards the wolves that gathered, encircling his arms around the wolves and carrying them, "hey, move!" He paused as his eyes widened, "Whoa... You guys put on weight again!" he said in disbelief as a slight pout was on his expression, "All of you are eating too much!" He then gently throws the demon from his arms to the side, the wolf leaping away then the rest followed. "Here." Kouga then threw the fox demon towards me and Shippo clutched onto my chest. I held him in relief as I let my fingers run through his orange tresses, calming the frightened child.
But his rather casual demeanor among his wolves did not leave my mind; I looked back at him after giving a reassuring smile to Shippo. This Kouga... Maybe he's not that bad? After all, this was like that food chain. The chicken eats the worms, so then chickens befriend other chickens. Of course Kouga would be so kind to his fellow wolves, which were their pack. I did not have enough time to think about it because not soon after a voice rang throughout the cave.
"Move! Move!" A pause, "We've got Injured! Make way!" I looked at the source of the voice. I saw injured wolf demons lay in some sort of a stretcher and placed on the ground gently. "What happened?! Hang in there! Get water, quick!" The wolf ordered the other demon.
"Such terrible wounds...," I spoke softly.
Kouga looked at me, "You saw them earlier...," I turn my attention from the injured to Kouga, "They call themselves Birds of Paradise." Aha, they're more like Birds from hell itself...; I honestly could just laugh in my thoughts. "They're our natural enemies, this is their doing." Oh, it's like worms and chickens then. "They swoop down silently... and capture our comrades with sharp talons." Kouga then moved along to the bedding where I was thrown to a while ago and sat down, looking dejected and frustrated.
"The... what do they do?"
"They eat them." He paused. "Wolf bones are scattered around their nests." Yikes.
"Even you're no match for them?"
"That's just how it is."
I understood then, on that moment understood the predicament that Kouga and his tribe had against those demon birds.
"The trouble is, one among the Birds of Paradise possesses a Sacred Jewel fragment." He paused, his brows furrowing further, "He's faster than we are, naturally, and he's much faster now with the fragment's powers." His voice trailing off as if hesitant with his words, "He even killed twenty of our wolves in one swoop." His teeth clenched and I only felt my hands fist in frustration. "They were never this strong before." He paused and looked up at me, "So it must be the power of the Sacred Jewel."
"That's why you want me to find which one has the fragment." I'm piecing up the information until I've decided. I'll truly help Kouga.
"We'll attack their nest and steal the fragment. Then—we'll attack that one bird with the fragment—enmasse." He averted his gaze from the ground to my direction, "Got it? You know what to do?"
My breath hitched for a split second but I didn't doubt any longer, "Mm, All right, I'll do it." And besides, the quicker I get to finish this side duty, the easier I will hopefully find my escape of leaving this den and hopefully see Inuyasha.
Night fell, and my thoughts were, at all, not in any ease. My heart rattled as I sat alone at some part of this cave. Kouga gave strict orders that I wouldn't be eaten an di trusted that. They trusted their leader's orders. But hell, could you blame me? Their hunger was genuine! It was an awful night, I could not sleep well—but I had to. I did not have my sleeping bag and even if there were some bedding, it still felt uncomfortable. Before I even knew it, my heart cried for Inuyasha to come back and I fell into deep slumber—holding the fox demon close to me.
The morning came; I don't think I remember having a dream. It felt awful, waking up, that is. I was soaked in sweat—my uniform clung onto my skin and I felt sticker—my hair was all puffed and god how I would like to borrow a brush. I was so deep in my thoughts that I did not notice Shippo was missing—oh no! I thought the worst, but Kouga's wolves wouldn't dare defy him, right?
Then I heard his voice. I looked back and for a moment was surprised. Kouga!
But his voice was not and relief washed over me. It was Shippo disguised as Kouga!
I tell you this, had you been there, you might have seen that I did not hesitate to pursue this idea—this escape plan. But truly, my heart tangled itself in guilt. Yes, guilt. It was on my own accord that I wanted to help Kouga, it was on my own terms and wishes that I desired to aid him in defeating their natural enemy. I think, I think that natural enemies would not harm the food chain, but the Jewel Fragment did. I—no, we, had to remove it away from their grasp. I wanted to help him, but I know I had my duties. It was hard, suppressing my guilt, that is. I nodded towards Shippo and let him hold me the way Kouga harshly held me. I was amazed by the way Shippo carried his acting—although I did worry for his voice. It was not the same as Kouga's, but it did not seem like the other wolves noticed.
"Oi, Ginta, Hakkaku—accompany Kouga!" Shit.
"What do you mean? Ginta and Hakkaku went on patrol." A pause, maybe slight relief on my side. "With Kouga." Fuck! Absolutely the biggest fuck I inwardly screamed!
"What do you mean?! Then who—?!"
Before Shippo and I could have reacted, some wolves came up to us and sniffed Shippo. Oh Gods, the tail! Kouga's tail was different!
One of the wolves bit Shippo's tail and out of utter pain, the fox demon cried and jumped in the air before transforming back to his original form. The other wolves gasped in hock and immediately reacted, grabbing their weaponries and cornered us! I grabbed a free spear and held Shippo's hand then ran off—the pressure of the waterfall stuck on my spine but the adrenaline pumped more than my fear. I ran off despite my soaked clothing—running as far as i could with no exactly journey, I just wanted to run as far away as I could. However luck was not on my side, at all. We ended up on a dead end—we were at the edge of a cliff.
I looked back and saw the other wolves, ready to devour me and Shippo!
"Shippo, you can expand and fly, can't you?" I hurriedly asked.
"yes, but I don't know if I can fly with you!"
I didn't speak and grabbed his hand then threw him off the cliff.
One of the other wolves threw their chains in an attempt to capture Shippo. I held onto my spear and threw it on the chain, thus tangled and rendering the attempt to capture the fox demon a failure—I saw Shippo transform into the pink balloon as he flew away, "Shippo! Go and get Inuyasha, Hurry!"
I looked back at the hunger filled eyes of the wolf demons, my fear finally filling my senses. This time, my adrenaline won't et me run—because there was nowhere to run. And fighting back would be a measly attempt, I was nowhere near their power physically and they were much more I numbers. I was just a singular person against a pack of demon wolves and wolves.
"Tricky woman! I'll devour your alive!" This is it! The day I die, folks! I was about to accept my fate when a huge boar came flying from above and fell on the man who ought to eat me.
We all looked up.
"Hey! What did I say about eating her?!" It was Kouga! Thank God! Oh... wait, even if this wolf did partially disobey his order, he was probably going to go through with it since I let Shippo escape and I attempted to run away!
"Kouga! The little kid is way over there!" on e of the wolf demons who were travelling with Kouga said, pointing at Shippo was floating away.
"Just to let your friend escape, huh?" I couldn't see or hear what he said, but I did not like the way he looked at me! He jumped off the cliff and stood right in front of me, my heart was going to fly out of my rib cages!
"All right, it's decided." He paused as he placed his hands on his hips, "You're gonna be my woman."
That basically spooked and thrw my spirit to another plane of existence. I looked at him dumbfounded. "Huh?"
I couldn't even hear anything else that Kouga said with his fellow demon wolves, all I knew was that there was heat pooling on my cheeks and my face was probably growing shades of pink to red as I stood there with a gaping open mouth. What... what? I do have experience with boys confessing but it was never like this! They were usually after school hours by the sides of the school grounds where there were little to none other students watching. But even so, no one was ever this confident to claim me—they were all shy boys who offered me some letter or something, but... Oh God, what was happening? I was aware that this was not at all romantic though! I refused to believe it was anywhere near romantic, I was a victim and he was my captor—he wanted to use me for my ability to sense the fragments, that was it, right?
Then my attention is caught when Koga too k a few steps forward towards me. Oh God, I'm being hyper aware of how close he is! "She's much more useful to us than some demon woman." Kouga said, finishing his conversation with the other wolves. "Kagome... that's what you're called?" Oh, his voice was gentle this time, and though there was a slight frown on his face it was definitely much friendly than yesterday or a little while ago! My hands flew to my chest, holding to the tie of my uniform. His arm held onto my back and pulled my slightly closer to him, "From today, you're my woman." What! What a forceful guy! "Understood?" He wore an annoying smirk! Despite my flushed expression and thundering heart, I knew he only wanted my ability—men, gross creatures!
I was heated, I didn't like the situation, I wasn't a very public person—I did not like the way he announced his claim on me. I looked at him with a slightly wavering gaze and took a few step back despite being held and raised my hand. "S—say... don't, don't touch me, stupid!" And I closed my eyes as he slapped him hard across his cheek. Immediately he let me go. I look at him, peering though, oh god. I just realized what I had done. I heard their murmurings and whispers—fear once again filled my senses. I'm good as dead, you're right! Then is aw the other wofl demons step back.
"H—hey... uh, it's! It's rude to claim a girl as your 'woman'... A—and... Besides, I already have someone I'm seeing." I said, sort of muttering the latter part as my hands fisted and I held it close to my chest.
"Seeing? Not that mutt-face." Kouga looked at me with wide eyes as he had a hand by his temples, he had just touched his burning cheek—I suppose it hurt, it was so red!
I frowned as I look at him aggravated, "yes! That mutt-face—no! His name is Inuyasha! My sweetheart has a name, Inuyasha!" Oh god what was I thinking? He was obviously in love with Kikyou; I was totally out of the picture! But this was not the first time I lied, last time I had to bait Hiten with the same strategy, although the circumstances were slightly different. "So stop calling him mutt-face!" I said as I crossed my arms, obviously frustrated.
"I see, so that's it?" Huh? "Well, it's just as well. Next time I see him, I'll kill 'im!" What!
Kouga picked up his hunt and slung it over his shoulder and looked back at me with a triumphant smirk, "And when this Inuyasha fella is dead, there won't be a problem."
What did I get myself into...?
Ladies and gentlemen, that was not all—it was barely what I have to tell you the most. I never would have expected that I would put my experience with desire to action. Actually, it was a little later when I had realize—maybe a year or two years before I did. Actually, no wait; this was the time I learned of this infatuation: the reality of desire. That love did not exist as it is, it was ripped off from the original world, doused it with honey until it became a reason of justification.
I tell you, no one could have expected it. Neither did I. But what I could say was that I truly yearned for Inuyasha. Or at least I think I did.
Every wolf demon stood still in their positions, weapons in hand as eyes only had their gaze on their goal. "Everyone, are you ready?" Kouga shouted, and everyone else roared.
"The Birds of Paradise resides in this mountain...," I began.
"Ah, somewhere in this mountain is one who has the Sacred Jewel." Kouga gazed sternly at the mountain before them as he looked back at me, "You must find him."
"Understood." I sense it, a Sacred Jewel fragment, it's faint but I know it's there. I must get that jewel fragment... but God! Inuyasha... hurry!
My thoughts were caught when the noises and growls by the bird demons echoed, I looked up—they've caught us!
Kouga clicks his tongue, his brows furrowing as he looks at his fellow demon wolves, "You guys! I'm leaving these to you!" He ordered then wrapped his arm around my waist then hoisted me up, "Let's go, Kagome."
As I held onto him, I could not help but feel my blood go cold—I was experienced in fighting—not as much as a warrior, but I definitely had experience—but I was not used to fighting off opponents while being held and in the air! This was more than dangerous, other than that I feared that Kouga might slip! It was difficult to fight while carrying someone! I glanced quickly on the surface; the other wolves began to attack the incoming demon birds. I could only pray for their safety and victory.
"Kagome! Do you see the Sacred Jewel fragment?" Kouga asked, continued to jump higher and higher to the mountain.
"I can't look while you fight!" I noted—then, I felt it. "There!" I look up at the peak of the mountain, there was the Jewel fragment! "I see it right before us!"
Kouga paused then suddenly the wall breaks and a demon bird emerges out of the mountain. Kouga immediately find a stable ground and holds onto me as I held onto the mountain. I widened my eyes, this demon...! It was unlike the rest, he had a larger bird body as well as two half human bodies attached on top of it! No doubt, he was not only the leader but the one who possessed the fragment!
"Kagome, where's the jewel?"
I nodded and looked hard until gasped softly, "It's inside its mouth!"
The bird demon laughed and boasted, "You'll have to get inside our mouth!" Then proceeded to bare its sharp teeth and open its mouth to devour us both. Kouga held onto me and jumped off and lowered himself until he arrived at the surface. He immediately brought me to his two other demon wolves (who I assumed was Ginta and Hakkaku).
"Protect Kagome!" He let go of my arm. For some reason, I felt something odd. I couldn't place my finger where it was or what it was exactly. I look up at him quietly.
"But—what are you gonna do, Kouga?" One f them asked.
Kouga grabbed a weapon that pierced the corpse of one demon bird, "I'll cut up its mouth with this!"
I felt a lump in my throat, "You're going after the fragment in its mouth? It's impossible for you alone!" I cried out, my hands clenching into fists. Don't go.
"Only I can take on that giant ugly bird!" It was not over confidence that I felt from his words. It was not pride. It was sacrifice. This was a war they had—a war of who will live and who will die—of who will return victorious. I felt my heart tighten, there was no certainty, but Kouga was sure that the best shot they have in defeating that superior bird was him. I could only look at him as his figure began to blur away from my horizon.
"Alright, Sis! We'll get you to safety!" One of the demon wolves said as he reached out to me.
"Sis? You mean me?" Heat pooled on my cheeks.
The other demon wolf looked at me and blinked twice, "Of course! You're the boss's woman!"
I frowned and looked at him, "Hey! What are you thinking?!" I was embarrassed and not to mention I never gave any consent or agreed to that ordeal!
"Hey! It's coming your way!" I heard another demon announce and we looked back to see a demon bird flying towards us.
Ginta and Hakkaku raised their weapons, ready to attack. "Sis, watch out!" They said as they took steps forward and made sure I was behind them, I could only watch and my eyes widened as its sharp talons caught wind of one of them and swooped him away!
"Sis!" I heard him scream—had he been prideful, he would continue to fight and not call out to anybody. But... he was a gentle wolf.
"I have to save him!" That was my first thought, my heart ached, this was a war and loss was inevitable, but who cares? I have to try, I have to do something!
"It's too late! He'll be taken to their nest and devoured!" It was a bitter truth but I refuse to believe it until I've done what I could!
I looked around hurriedly and caught sight of a bow and a few scattered arrows. I immediately took it and without hesitation I prepared and aimed at the bird that had one of the demon wolves betwixt their talons. "Please hit the mark!" I prayed as I held onto my bow and arrow. But this prayer, this had my whole soul—my whole desire to protect. I needed no return; all I prayed for was the safety of my enemy! Soon as I released the arrow, it hit the wing, cutting right through it and practically almost slicing half of the bird. "Bull's eye!" relief washed over me. Once it did, the bird demon let go of the demon wolf in its grasp. The bird fell on the surface first and soon enough the demon wolf fell atop the bird's corpse and bounced to the surface.
A smile drew on my lips as I emitted a sigh, "I'm so glad! Are you all right?" I ran over to him as did the other wolf demons.
"Thanks... Ah! It's coming again!" The demon wolf said.
I looked back and saw that there was no escaping this one! Without any weapon I could only look at it with fear and not before long I heard a familiar voice.
"Kagome!"
Inuyasha!
My reunion was cut short when Kouga's voice registered in my mind.
"I have no time to take you on right now." He began, looking over at Inuyasha. "I'll let you go for today. So just go!" He spat out as he turned his back.
"Shaddup! You dared to kidnap Kagome and you're gonna pay right now!" Inuyasha shouted in evident frustration.
"Kagome?" His voice was soft, his attention averted once more as he looked back at Inuyasha. "Hey, mutt-face. You can run away, but keep your hands off my woman!"
"Your... woman?" Miroku questioned and both human companions looked over at me.
"A woman who can see the Sacred Jewel... Now she's perfect for me."
Inuyasha's eyes widened, "W—what?!"
"Kagome-sama, did you hear what he said?" Miroku said looking voer at me.
I clenched my firsts as my voice went higher by an octave, "I—It's a lie! He's just making it all up!" God this was frustrating! To think that wolf demon would actually proclaim their little bout earlier in front of Inuyasha and the others right now!
"W—why you! How dare you tell such lies?!" Inuyasha shouted at the wolf demon.
"I'm not lying! Kagome is my woman!" There was a slight pause, his voice ever so confident and smooth as his gaze looked directly into Inuyasha's, "I'm in love with Kagome!"
I could only look dumfounded. What kind of stupidity was this? I was no fool—
"Kagome is better off with me! Much better than sticking to some weak mutt! SO that she can make a clean break from you—I'm gonna kill you one day!" He then pointed his weapon, "Then Kagome... you'll be free to fall in love with me!" He proclaimed then afterwards emitted a laugh—followed by the other wolf demon's collective howls and cheers.
That was it. I stood there, not anymore frustrated. Heat evident on my cheeks as my eyes were wide and my lips parted open agape in utter shock. My body stiff as I could only stare blankly at what had happened.
"Why you—calling her Kagome, Kagome, Kagome... Acting so familiar with her!" Inuyasha's fists clenched as he gritted his teeth—his anger boiling as he was lunged towards the wolf demon.
"Fool! I'm too busy, I said. Now go away!" Kouga said annoyed as he continued to jump higher.
I broke from my stupor when I felt the Sacred Jewel fragment. "Kouga-kun! It's up higher!" I screamed, hoping my voice would reach him despite the distance.
It was on this day that I found out, I found out how my girlish desire mayhap been piqued by his boyish charm.
Forgive me, my friends, I was only fifteen at that time. I never had a boyfriend back in my original time—too caught up in my grades, I wanted to be a good student and not only that, I aimed to have decent grades so that when I graduate, hopefully I get into a nice university and once I graduate university, I'll be able to get a nice paying job to support my family. That was the agenda I supposedly had in mind. My family was not poor however we did not live in luxury. Having a shrine as a means of earning money was difficult, there were not many that had a religious belief, more so, and if there were they would only come during Christmas seasons or New Year's. That was how seldom people would visit and offer donations to the shrine or have our lucky charms sold.
Perhaps it was just in my nature to help, to feel sympathy for those who are wounded—enemy or not. Or perhaps it was that I may have felt something to him. I never really knew. All I knew was that the way he held me—whether by force or not, became more vivid in my memory. The night I fell asleep—I remember how callous his hands were, I remember his sharp nails lightly grazed over my skin, I remember his scent—it was one of sweat, blood, forest and oak trees. I dreamt of him, but not in a visual way. I could not remember his face appearing my slumber—I could not remember hearing his voice—but I felt his warm breathe on my skin as he spoke while he hoisted me up on his shoulder. I remember how my stomach felt pressed against his shoulder, I remember. I remember the tiniest details. It had made my sleep warm.
Ladies and gentlemen, he—he showed me what love truly is. It is not fate.
It was simply desire.
I pondered over my aching heart that yearned for Inuyasha. For days, weeks until months—I thought it over and over again. Repeatedly forgotten once his first love appeared, I do not blame him nor did I to Kikyou, neither was at fault in the first place. Of course, even if I did let him go for each moment there was a chance for them to meet; I still felt the stinging pain that felt like prickling thorns. In the first few times it happened, I cried as quiet as I could, the next times I did not shed anymore tears, I let my heart break on its own. My desire for Inuyasha was as tragic as it could possibly be.
I mayhap thought it was fate that I would long for Inuyasha the same way Kikyou had—enamored by his presence at first sight like Kikyou had.
It is a foolish thought, after all these years, as I had chased after Inuyasha, in his shadow I stayed. I was his light—or so I believe myself to be. I was one of the few who had seen his demon form, and the only one who was able to suppress and control that side of him from overpowering him. I held onto him, held so tightly in order for his demon form not to take over—I purified him in a gradual amount while he continued to battle. I cried quietly—it burnt—his aura, his strength his overall power was overpowering mine—I felt like I was burning. My feet burnt as he unleashed his attack. It was much powerful as he had his demon form in control. Despite such, I was just human—not an ounce of demon blood in my veins.
My desire for him was to stay by his side, to protect and to be protected. To shower him with my pure, unwavering emotions—to completely let myself fall for him.
I was only fifteen. I had truly so, completely been blinded by my desire for purpose, for a commitment—thus, I believe it to be love.
It was what I had believed for so long that I had overlooked of what desire and love if from the very person who made me realize it.
I am now eighteen years of age, three years has passed since I had fallen down the well like some Alice in Wonderland alternate scenario.
I had graduated high school by then—I was to finally enter University, finally pursue my initial agenda in helping and supporting my family. This is what I should have focused on. This was my purpose, is it not?
Nonetheless, my adventure as a priestess never really left my mind. I still thought of my friends, Shippo, Miroku, Sango, Inuyasha—Kouga.
Thought it has been three years, it had only been last night when I dreamt of him. I remember him so clearly, he made my heart melt, my skin warm and my blood boil—not in any way negative, I was completely and wantonly enamored by him. As I grew older, the more his actions and his words sunk into my heart. The more I had realized that my love was simply desire. And what my true yearning was him. Oh God, I wanted to see him—but it was a foolish request—a foolish hope. A futile attempt to wish. The more days that passed, the more I tossed and turned at night, the more my hands ached to hold his warm skin, I wanted to tangle my fingers in his onyx tresses—I wanted to feel his tail—I wanted to feel him. I wanted to be completely covered by his warmth. Not only for my physical desires. But for my heart as well. I did not know when exactly this feeling sprouted from my chest, all I knew was that I cried for him.
I wanted to see him, to hold him and to protect him. No—I wanted to fight by his side. I wanted to support him—I wanted to be by his side—Kouga's side!
Ladies and gentlemen, when you desire, I hope you learn from my mistake—I have been blindly chasing what I say to be my fate that I had overlooked what was right before my eyes. For days I wondered what might have been had I noticed him, had I accepted that my desire for my first love was all but a childish blind yearning perhaps I would have not been wallowing in my regret and what if's.
Infatuation. How foolish human nature is to say that infatuation was shallow—when, in fact, it is the bane of our very emotion.
It was a humid day in Japan, the sun striking rather vigorously, I wanted to stay home perhaps skip class today (but I dare not, even when I was sick I forced myself to go to school). I sighed, wearing my uniform as I took my school bag—making sure all the thing is needed were complete in my bag. I look over at my measly attempt of a portrait drawing of my friends—this was the least I could do to see them, even though I did not do their faces with justice. I should have brought a camera at least once in order to take a photograph or two of them. I absolutely miss Sango, Miroku, Shippo and Inuyasha. I miss our quaint little group. I wanted to keep a memory or two of them all.
I find my heart twisting in pain, for some reason—despite often thinking about them—today it hurt more than usual.
I walked towards the shed where the well was enclosed it. It had been three years since then when the well had been sealed shut. No matter what attempt I may try, I could not cross over. I did not give up hoping, however. But I knew eventually I had to settle back into my original time.
I smiled, perhaps a bit bitterly. I opened the shed's door. It was still far too early to leave, my classes start a little later so I decided to linger a bit to reminisce.
My hand ghosted over the doors of the well, I felt the dust that accumulated atop it stick onto the skin of my fingertips. Before I noticed it, warm liquid began to stream down my face—an odd stuck and tight feeling on my throat as I unknowingly tightened my jaw. My fists clenches as it remained still on top of the doors of the well. I let my tears drop, my eyes shut close as I could not help but wallow in my sorrow.
I miss them, I miss him. But what could have been done? If I had proclaimed my longing for him, would that have changed my fate? Would I have been able to travel back in time? In the end, I will still find my way back to where I belong—this mundane, ugly modern world.
Then, the blackened landscape I saw was shrouded in a blue light. I opened my eyes and saw that it was coming from the pits of the well. Without any other thoughts I hurried opened the doors of the well and not before long I was pulled in by an invisible force.
I clasped my hands together in prayer, my heart racing in my chest—I felt my body grow cold yet warm at the same time, I let my eyes wander—it was a familiar visage—the feeling as if you are under water—sinking. I swam, searching for the vortex, as I may call it, which would signify that I was near to the other time. Then! Then I saw it! A bright light! I hurried to it and not before long I had found myself at the bottom of a well.
But it was not dark, if I had been back at the shrine; there would be no bright blue sky above, only the wooden roof. I saw the ladder—a familiar ladder—although vines have grown around it. I widened my eyes, my body emanating a scent of anxiety and excitement. I grabbed a hold of the ladder and quickly climbed up. As soon as I had arrived, I sensed a familiar whirlwind speeding to my direction, I had felt it with the odd direction of the wind hitting my face. My heart paced as I eagerly held onto the tip of the well.
Then I found him as he found me,
His sapphire blue hues looking at mine: wide eyed and passion filled blue hues.
Tears formed once again as I let myself fall into his arms, he did not hesitate to catch me in his arms, encircling them around my waist—it was tight, like the first time he held me (although that was a kidnapping situation), but now it was filled with so much yearning. I let myself cry onto his armor plates. My hands wrapping around him and pulling him equally in a tight embrace. "Kouga...!" My voice cracked, for some reason all the sophistication and calm demeanor that I had developed, the temper that I had learned to calm, over the past years broke and I had let my fifteen year old self cry onto him—wailing and sobbing. "Kouga, Kouga...!" It seemed as if his name was the only word I could utter.
I felt his callous hands tangle itself within my midnight tresses. I squeezed his body close to mine, taking in the familiar scent of sweat, earth and forest.
"Kagome... I found you...,"
I looked up at him, my face flushed from the tears I had shed and the overflowing amount of roundabout emotions I could no longer decipher had began to make my body shiver as I succumbed to his bodily warmth. "Kouga... I want to stay by your side—"
I was enamored by how he had made me fall into deep sorrow and such an in human nature realization—inhuman nature or in human nature? Oh like I could care anymore! I just wanted to stay by his side to melt in his warmth and to exist as long as I could and support him every step of the way until I die.
He gazed at me—his often frowning eyes that held only duty had focused back on me with so much yearning and so much gentle sorrow. He trailed his hands from my back to my cheeks, cupping them as he pulled my face into a chaste kiss. I did not refuse, and I returned the kiss.
We desired to be by each other's side all along—enamored by such a human notion—by a skewed belief of love and woe.
A/N: Sorry for all the typos, I did as much as I could to edit them but I'm sort of blind. Please do leave your thoughts regarding this one shot, it's not much but I hope you enjoyed ^^