((Author's notes: A fill-of-sorts for the YJ Anon Meme that largely came about from very little sleep, and a few restless ideas that gradually spiraled out of control. I don't own anything, and hope you enjoy reading.))
Slumber parties, talking about boys and shoes while painting each other's nails, pizza and ice cream nights, and helping each other with homework is what M'gann thinks of when it comes to what girls do together. Occasionally, hugging and clasping hands in a kindly, you're-my-best-friend-ever way is something she pictures as well.
Kissing, however, never enters into it. That's something reserved for girls and boys, and what she pictures when she imagines her perfect boyfriend. M'gann has seen the movies and TV shows that teach what humans do to celebrate love; kissing in the rain, holding each other close and cuddling in a way that always makes her clasp her own hands when she watches them on the screen.
She likes the idea of seeing a calm, confident smile on his mouth, before feeling their lips touch together. The thought makes those sculpted human toes of hers curl, reflexively, and it also makes a little bolt of excitement travel through her new body in what feels like a natural way.
That alone is enough to make her heart sing. When she hears about the details of her team, meets them all face to face, M'gann thinks she might float right up to the ceiling of the cave from that light feeling soaking into her chest. (Although another part of her wants to shrink back and instantly learn density shifting so she can fall into the floor. Shyness isn't something she can shed as easily as that other form, she quickly learns.) There's three boys on this team, and one girl; she should have the best of both worlds, even before her first mission with them.
At least, that's how it's supposed to work out. And for those first few minutes, things feel as picture perfect as she could ever imagine; true, the other girl on the team seems a little gruff and tough around the edges, but she's seen that on TV as well. She still manages to get the other girl to smile when she compliments her shirt. Pretty soon, she's confident that they'll work up to braiding hair (she certainly has enough of it, long and black and falling over her shoulder to one side) and having all those fun conversations. The boys are all friendly, as well, and the fact that not a single one of them frowns or gives her an unkind look is perfect.
...Except.
Except once introductions are done and settling in begins, this girl (Supergirl, as she learns quickly from Robin) doesn't seem interested in slumber parties, instead settling for a near closet of a room in the hallway. She only gives a blank look and points to her combat boots when M'gann tries to bring up shoes, and an even blanker look at the nail polish she holds out. And the only guy she's interested in talking about is a distant father figure...And Supergirl never, ever smiles when that becomes a part of the conversation.
There's no spark either, when she first meets and speaks with the boys on the team. Or afterwards, from several meetings in the hall. Though maybe, M'gann tells herself, she just has to give it a little longer; get to know the boys better, and have longer moments with them.
-o-o-o-
After the fight with Mister Twister, after getting an awkward apology from Supergirl and giving what she hoped translated to a No Hard Feelings smile, she found herself wanting to see the sky again. Have a little room to stretch her thoughts without worrying about bumping into or jostling someone else's…Especially after that accident. (She can still feel Supergirl's anger biting at her head, and she doesn't want to focus on that; thinking about how hesitant but sweet her voice was when saying she was sorry is better, and doesn't make her chest feel sore.) The sun has set by then, leaving her with a starry sky and a few wisps of cloud to fly in, and a lit up Happy Harbor below. The open air gives her room to breath, and fully relax her mind. Happy Harbor stretches out below her, lights winking up in a close mirror for those stars over head. She avoids the flashing red and blue lights still present near one portion of the docks, instead skimming through the air over one of the parks-
With her thoughts open like this, it's easy enough to overhear others. And her attention snags on what's below her. There are still people out, even after what happened today, and she can pick out some of their thoughts; they drift up to her like notes from a song, surprisingly clear in the summer night. How warm hands feel when they're clasped together, the comforting weight of an arm draped over shoulders or wrapped around a waist…
She drifts down, closer, entranced by what she can hear and almost feel in her own heart. Her camouflage wraps over her as she drifts in through the trees, and finds a space of her own to stand in, just away from the path tracing through the park and gardens. The people she sees walking by are a near match for couples on television…Although there's a glow to their thoughts that she could never feel or hear through the screen.
"Late night stroll?" A voice teases right next to her ear, and trails into a chuckle when M'gann gives a jump and a start. The plants around her distort as she flickers over them, and turns to see Robin standing next to her with his teeth showing in a quick grin. She can't see his eyes through those dark sunglasses, but she can guess they're amused.
"Took a little time, figuring out where you were. Good to know I can spot camo when I need to, though." Good for him, unnerving for her. It seems like TV wasn't exaggerating the abilities of the Dark Knight or his apprentice, anymore then it exaggerates that feeling between a couple.
M'gann lets that gentle background hum wash back over her, ease out any of her surprise and replace it with calm. The other two boys approach as well, also in civilian clothing, once Robin waves them over.
"We were concerned on how you might be faring, after the mission." Kaldur's voice is a gentle lull, as he briefly glances over an estimate on where she half stands, half floats, before looking over between his friends. They follow his lead, so it doesn't look like they're staring intently at thin air.
"I'm fine. I...I wasn't reading anyone's mind, I swear." It takes a few breaths to keep her voice from shaking, and a small part of M'gann can't help but resentfully think this wouldn't be a problem if she was allowed to simply speak mind to mind. She forces herself to talk out loud all the same. "Just...Listening."
"You know I'm all ears if you want to talk, babe." Wally gives a quick grin as he speaks.
"Sure it's not all mouth?" Robin cuts in, while Wally turns to him and gives another offended "Dude!" before they both break down laughing. The conversation gradually drifts away from her, and M'gann finds herself glad to be out of focus as they start talking about what might be next for the team.
She's also happy to be in camouflage. It gives her a chance to look deep into their eyes (or sunglasses in the case of Robin) without being obvious about it or making anyone uncomfortable. And she spends a lot of time waiting, watching…Hoping to feel that spark she picked up from the other couples. But it never comes. She doesn't understand why, since all three fit the idea of an attractive boy…But telling herself that doesn't push a warm feeling into her heart. Nothing to match the whispers and glow she can feel around her.
-o-o-o-
Later, after Supergirl manages to wreck most of a school by herself, M'gann starts to realize why that spark doesn't connect between her or any of the boys. Granted, when she and Kaldur first arrive, Supergirl does look the worst off; M'gann can pick out skin and already forming scabs through several jagged tears in her t-shirt. And a part of her wants to scold her over making them worry by leaping off like that…But the rest of her is content with flying over to help her to her feet, and is just relieved the other girl is safe. And that she's willing to speak with Black Canary instead of just throw herself at the teacher in a howling rage when they spar. (There had been something deeply uncomfortable about having the three of them in the same room and not all getting along.)
It's well after those things that she finds Supergirl standing in front of a mirror at the shower room, the glass half fogged up from steam and smeared where the clone has run her hand across the surface to clear up the reflection. M'gann also thinks she can pick out a few thumb sized cracks along the edges, signs that Supergirl hasn't fully mastered her strength yet. Her towel hangs tight around her waist, wrapped snug against her skin thanks to the condensation.
The other girl glares at her reflection, eyes moving up and down her body as she crosses her arms. Nothing she sees seems to please her, as her eyes linger on the flare of her breasts and hips, and her scowl deepens. There's a brief flicker as she sees M'gann over her shoulder and takes note of her, but nothing more…All her focus is on the mirror, along with all her anger and blue eyed glares.
"What's wrong?" M'gann finds herself saying as she drifts closer. Her own clothing has been morphed into a matching towel (although she goes with fluffy and pink, in contrast to the black Supergirl prefers) since stepping out, although she lengthens it a little to cover more of her as her feet lift off the ground.
"…I don't look like Superman. Our bodies are different," her knuckles still have a few bruises, M'gann notices. Faint and mostly healed, the same as the cuts crisscrossing her shoulders and gathered near her jaw. "…Not built the same way." Her fingers tighten up into fists as she looks over her reflection again, and even though M'gann keeps her thoughts all closed up in her own head, she can imagine what the other girl is thinking and noticing. No broad chest, very few hard lines tracing over her body. Her arms have a respectable amount of muscle, but nowhere close to the same concentration along her arms and shoulders like Superman has.
…And, M'gann finds herself noticing that compared to him, Supergirl looks more pleasing to her own eyes.
"I like how you look?" She offers before she has time to think…But the words sound right in her mouth, to M'gann's shock. And they must sound alright to her teammate's ears as well, as the clone's mouth twitches out of a frown and into an almost smile. Coupled with a surprised blink, but M'gann finds herself focusing on that suggestion of a smile instead.
"You do?" At least Supergirl is a match for her when it comes to being surprised. Over the emotions starting to build in her chest, M'gann convinces the muscles in her neck to move enough to give a nod. That's when Supergirl switches over to a full smile…And something that feels equal parts terrifying and exhilarating lodges square in M'gann's heart.
"Yes-" She starts to think, but claps a mental set of hands down on the thought before it can do more then brush against Supergirl's awareness and make her flinch. "Sorry," M'gann whispers, although the other girl is already starting to turn away…But pauses before moving completely out of the showers, one eye still on M'gann. "Still…Still getting used to no telepathy, except on missions. But I did mean it; I think you look…Like a hero. Like Superman."
"Okay…Thanks." Supergirl's words are also halting and a little confused, but she meets M'gann eye to eye long enough for M'gann to catch a flicker of warmth…And something that sparks through her, alongside that fast beat her heart is settling into. It vanishes once Supergirl turns to pull her shirt back on, but the memory of it is enough to leave M'gann shaky.
Supergirl's hair, despite still being wet from the shower, insists on sticking out and taking on that usual tussled look when it comes to her bangs. M'gann finds herself reminded of Conner's hair on the television…It's close to the same length, and there's a moment where she wonders what it would feel like to trace her fingers through it.
'…This isn't right.' Snaps into her head, along with the differences between Conner and the girl…the girl she watches leave. Girls on TV don't fall in love with other girls. M'gann's head spins as she shifts from her towel into actual clothing, sparring just enough time to morph it into something close to a skirt and vest. She doesn't focus much on the color, leaving it gray and drab as she goes floating, confused, into the den.
The TV isn't on, but she stares at it anyway. She can't think of ever seeing something like what she feels; the people hugging have always been different from each other, boy and girl, man and woman…Never the same gender.
Her fingers fuse from five down into two, her skin lightening until it stands out pallid against the red of the sofa. Twisted, bony…Not human. Not normal.
'Maybe that's why,' her eyes start to sting as she looks at it, and M'gann blinks back tears and bites down hard on teeth that are trying to go sharp. Before it gets worse, she lets a layer of green skin wrap back around her hand as her mind races in desperate circles. Maybe…Maybe she's just confused. She is still new to Earth, and maybe it will take more time for her to adjust and smooth out to all these changes. And sort out whatever is making her heart pull in such painful ways.
M'gann gazes down at her fingers as they split back into five, setting that resolve into place in her mind. And pushing any thoughts about her teammate that aren't simply friendly out of her head.
-o-o-o-
After that, she takes pains to avoid the showers whenever she hears the water running or has a hunch they're in use. To give Supergirl some space, M'gann tells herself…Although that makes having to wait with clay in her hair and clothing a little difficult, after one disastrous mission.
Once she finally gets rinsed off, cooking dinner sounds like the perfect way to unwind…Until the resulting mixup with the ingredients leaves her hands needing a wash, and Supergirl needing another shower. After that cooking only seems like a good way to distract herself by cutting ingredients, measuring, and doing everything she can to use only her hands and NOT her telekinesis.
She runs a tongue nervously along her lips, once Supergirl is safely out of sight. And wonders what it would have been like to close that gap between them, touch her lips to the other girl's face, brush together cheek to cheek and forehead to forehead.
Instead she bakes a special batch of chocolate chip cookies, with that ratio of chocolate to dough she's learned Supergirl likes best, and gives them to her in order to see the other girl smile. When she does, it's like seeing the sun come out from behind a cloud, and it warms M'gann from the cavity of her chest all the way out. That should be enough.
Except just an hour later, she finds herself wanting to see it again. But by then they're halfway across the world, heading towards another country to investigate power surges and things that might be extraterrestrial.
And as it turns out, it's a good day later before she sees that smile again. Maybe more then that. Supergirl's shirt is in tatters around her shoulders, but she doesn't seem to notice; there's no sign of scars or damage from what just happened to her, either-
Even though that danger is far behind them, and the memory of Supergirl screaming in her head is starting to fade out, M'gann feels her fingers tense up and her arm pull Supergirl a little closer. To make sure that she has a good grip on the other girl to levitate her, M'gann tells herself…And to make sure she doesn't lose her a second time.
Supergirl notices the motion, and rolls her shoulder a little to keep the remains of her shirt from falling off. It doesn't seem to bother her, that she's got more skin and bra showing then uniform. The only thing that she really seems to react to is feeling the night air on her skin as they fly over the dunes, and gives a small grumble when the ragged edges of her shirt keep waving around thanks to the wind.
"I could give you my cape, if you want? Or if you're cold?" M'gann offers, right as Supergirl shakes her head.
"I don't do capes, remember?" The first time she heard that, the other girl's voice was all harsh syllables and with a low growl. This time, though, the words are more hushed. And Supergirl also adds on a quiet "Thanks, though. I'm fine," she says, right as M'gann hears a slight whisper of "And I'm flying" in her thoughts. That smile hasn't left Supergirl's face, either, and she looks back down at the desert below. As M'gann watches her, she makes a mental note to add flying to the list of things that make Supergirl smile, right next to chocolate chip cookies.
-o-o-o-
She finds herself standing next to Supergirl in the cave hangar as J'onn offers some encouraging words before sending them off. Kaldur and Red Tornado are also there, making her feel both excited and nervous; in some ways, going off to school IS a lot like a mission. They'll be investigating, gaining more experience out in the field…Even if they won't be in costume. That just makes it practice in keeping a low profile, though.
She's been practicing the shift in skin tones for days now, and when she lightens her skin to Caucasian, there's a moment of pride over how fast her cells listen to her. It's easy to slide into a different color, and she gives a little spin as she smiles at everyone.
…And then Supergirl points out that she doesn't have a civilian name, and things slide back into being awkward. And this time it's completely due to her…And Kaldur, as he speaks up.
"M'gann, maybe you have a suggestion?"
"Conner-" The name slips out of her mouth before she can stop it, and Supergirl narrows her eyes.
"Isn't that a boy's name?" She asks, one eyebrow raised and her mouth twisted into a frown as she watches M'gann. And M'gann fights to keep from blushing over her own slip up.
"C-Connie, maybe? That sounds nice, too." To her relief, Supergirl gives a shrug at that and a slight dip of her head; enough of a motion that M'gann has learned it counts as a nod and agreeing to something.
And then she opts to turn her shirt inside out in front of all of them, and M'gann goes straight back to being red in the face. Kaldur simply averts his eyes and politely wishes them good luck before excusing himself. J'onn and Red Tornado do nothing other then wave them out as Supergirl (now Connie Kent, M'gann reminds herself) shrugs her reversed shirt back on and wonders aloud why her last name isn't Nelson.
-o-o-o-
"Cheerleading?" Connie blinks at her from over their homemade pastrami sandwiches during lunch break. M'gann can't keep from nodding enthusiastically.
"Yeah! I've never gotten to try it before, but it sounds like a lot of fun; and I thought maybe we could do it together," Connie is giving her that blank, I'm-Not-Sure-We're-Speaking-The-Same-Language look, which makes her falter. She'd been so certain they'd moved past that, and seeing it again after three weeks without causing that expression causes her words to break up on her tongue. "It…You know, as a friend thing? I know we're on a team already, and have classes, but I thought maybe I could share this, too…? Maybe?"
"It doesn't sound like my thing," Connie shakes her head, and darts a hand out to hold M'gann's face up as she starts to look away from her teammate. There's something about the skin on skin that makes her heart pound even faster, and M'gann can feel the rough trim on Connie's jacket brushing against her jaw. (That jacket is the most Supergirl has done when it comes to accessorizing her outfits. At one point that did weigh down on M'gann, that she was so stubborn on sticking to just a few types of clothing…But lately, she finds that contrast between their outfits somehow pleasant, and a reminder of what she likes about her teammate.) "But I can come watch. I don't have anything else to do."
Her teammate ends up settling on the top of the bleachers, and M'gann can't help but wonder if Connie is gaining a liking for heights. She keeps her focus on her routine though, instead of sending the question to the other girl.
Once the initiation is done, Connie hovers over her like a dark cloud. One eye on M'gann, one on the other girls are packing up, almost daring them to try something else. M'gann has to keep a constant train of 'it's okay,' running between their minds, to keep her friend from glaring at the entire cheerleading team.
"She's not very social, is she?" Wendy asks as they pick up the last few pieces of equipment. The best M'gann can do is shake her head, and offer a quiet "she means well, though. And she's learning."
-o-o-o-
Connie's first leap towards the mothership carries her so far away that it stretches the link between them. M'gann can only just make out the rough shape of her thoughts; how the adrenaline makes Connie feel alive, the best angle of approach to the ship, that this is what Superman would do-
'You're not Superman! ' She wants to cry out. 'You're Connie Kent, Supergirl, and I love you-'
But she can't. It's too big, too terrifying, and it chokes her throat and her head. And before she ever gets the courage to let that slip between them, her uncle is guiding her by the hand and she has to focus on density shifting.
When Connie's pain flares bright in her mind and then cuts out, all of M'gann's strength goes with her. She's gone, completely gone…
…When M'gann wakes up, the only thing she can think of is to go somewhere away from other people. Where she won't hurt them. When she realizes Connie has followed her…That's when it's her control breaks enough to let her throw herself face first into Supergirl. There's nothing sweet in that hug they share, which is just more proof that there's something wrong; no tenderness, no lingering or soft touches…Just M'gann sobbing and feeling her tears burn hot trails over both of their cheeks, while she clings and holds herself tight against Connie to keep her from fading away again.
Supergirl seems more stunned then anything else, and says nothing when it's done; just walks M'gann back to her room, one hand on her shoulder. M'gann never sees her teammate touching her fingers to where she'd clung to her, once M'gann steps inside and collapses on the bed.
-o-o-o-
The hurt doesn't go away when she watches those couples, on the television or at school. If anything, that ache settles deeper into her chest along with a sick feeling…But she finds her eyes drawn to them anyway. Trying to take in how they stand together, how their fingers intertwine so easily and with a gentle touch. And wondering what she's doing wrong, that she can't capture that same glow she sees in their eyes. Wondering what's wrong with her, and with that feeling she keeps trying to push away into the back of her head.
It refuses to stay there, though. Sooner or later (and usually sooner whenever Connie is nearby) it ends up curled back around her chest, making her heart swell and pound. It feels bigger then her…Bigger then her heart can safely contain. And she wonders if this is why love happens between two people, because it doesn't feel safe to experience this all by herself. (Then she remembers that there isn't a lot of telepathy on Earth, which leaves her confused on how to even express what keeps putting pressure in her chest. And eventually crawling under the bed sheets in frustration and squeezing a pillow close to her chest.)
She starts limiting her mind contact with Connie. Keeps any telepathic brushes they do have brief, limited just to the surface thoughts. Whenever they do have to speak through it during a mission, there's always a knot that squeezes hard at her heart as M'gann fights to coach her thoughts; no letting any emotion slip through them, trying not to provide even a hint to anyone.
It doesn't help that mental speech is one of the few bits of close contact she gets with Supergirl…And M'gann doesn't think it's just her imagination that Connie's thoughts have a soft quality that's at odds with the calluses forming on her fingers, or the usual harsh look in her eyes.
Based on how that sharp look sometimes gets leveled at her, and Connie's eyes narrow as she watches M'gann…she worries that Supergirl might suspect something after all.
"Come with me." Connie says several nights later. After they've had time to think about the words from Black Canary, and Connie had an adventure with her pets. M'gann wonders for a moment if she should make an excuse on why she can't; that she needs to make dinner, or study for class…But the look Connie gives her doesn't leave much room for argument; her teammate's eyes are focused right on her, her eyebrows knitted together to look intent, while her lips are drawn into a tight, nervous line. Like she's afraid M'gann will say no.
So instead, M'gann gives a slight nod and drifts after Connie as they move out of the den, and towards the hangar. At first, she thinks that Connie is going to ask for her to call the bio-ship…But then there's a series of clicks and beeps, and to her surprise Connie loses that troubled look for a second. When M'gann follows her eyes, she quickly picks out why, catching sight of Sphere unfolding into something sleek and red. She's never actually seen the alternate mode Wally calls the 'Super-Cycle' before, and M'gann has to spend a second blinking over the change.
Connie's only reaction is a satisfied smile, as she nods at the bike.
"I was thinking we could- WOLF!" Supergirl snaps the name out as a pair of white paws latch onto the edge of the Super-Cycle and pull a large canine into the front seat. When Wolf hears his name, his ears only tilt around as he rests his head on the chassis and gives an impatient growl. M'gann doesn't even need to try translating his thoughts to figure out what's going through his head.
"I think he's decided that he's right where he needs to be." Connie rolls her eyes at that, but doesn't bother to hide the grin.
"Fine," she says as she vaults into the driver's seat…And then extends a hand down to M'gann. "I think we can both fit on here." She explains once she catches that bewildered look flickering across M'gann's face. "There's other seats, but they mess with the handling and drag. Besides," there's no mistaking the satisfaction in her voice now, as she gives the bike a quick pat. Sphere gives an almost purring warble in response. "The ride is a lot better when you're sitting here."
"You're asking me to ride on your bike with you."
"Yes." Just a simple nod from Connie, which does nothing to settle that fast beat in her chest. Supergirl only raises an eyebrow when M'gann hesitates, apparently not seeing the implications. The same way she didn't see the big deal over carrying M'gann's books for her. She must not watch the right shows, M'gann decides.
"Trust me, it helps clear up your head when you're in a bad mood." Supergirl continues, still keeping her hand outstretched towards M'gann. Her fingers curl a little, motioning for M'gann to come closer. "Come on, I'll show you."
It's a toss up what decides her; how frank Connie is, or her own curiosity, but M'gann takes her hand and finds herself sitting behind Supergirl. Her hands decide on their own to wrap around Connie's waist…And it does seem a lot like what she's seen on TV. She can feel that same spark in her belly and lightness in her fingertips as when she's seen the long rides couples take on shows. It only grows when the Super-Cycle thrums into motion, and M'gann's grip around Supergirl goes a little tighter once the wind starts whipping through her hair.
Looking over her shoulder, she can pick out Happy Harbor stretching below them. The sound and speed is amazing, and Connie was right about it taking her mind off of things-
'Mostly,' M'gann thinks as she glances back and sees her teammate's smile again. And rests her head on Supergirl's shoulder.
They end up riding to some quiet, grassy spot overlooking the ocean. Far enough that Mount Justice is just a hill in the distance. Connie gives Sphere a pat as they both jump off, and which sends the bike back into the air with Wolf still holding his head up to feel the wind in his fur.
Leaving them alone. Connie says nothing at first, just looking out over the ocean as the sun starts to sink. M'gann follows her gaze and as she picks a spot out to sit, feeling worry start to seep in through that euphoria from the bike ride. Wondering what Connie needs to talk about, anyway.
'Is it about that hug from before?' She tastes something sour in the back of her mouth at that, and tries to swallow it before speaking. "S-so, we were going to talk…" She trails off, waiting and worrying over when that question is going to be sprung on her.
"Feeling better?" Connie asks instead, and M'gann forces a nod. She gets the feeling Connie can see right through her lie, with how stiff her neck muscles are…But Supergirl sits down next to her anyway. And still doesn't comment on the fact that M'gann is only watching her out of the corners of her eyes.
Silence again, as the sky goes from orange and red to a dark purple. M'gann wishes she could appreciate it without those knots trying to twist up in her.
"You know that exercise?" Connie finally speaks again, but doesn't wait for M'gann's hesitant nod before continuing. "The soldiers in it didn't see me as Superman, but they treated me close enough like him. I guess we look enough alike that I could be his kid…Maybe that's one of the reasons why he doesn't like me."
'I like you.' M'gann thinks as she miserably runs her hands over the blades of grass.
"What I don't understand is why you keep avoiding me, too. Why I make you unhappy." Supergirl's words cut straight into her thoughts, yanking her head and eyes up purely out of reflex.
"Y-you don't make me unhappy." M'gann feels her throat trying close around the words, but forces them out anyway…Not that it does anything to soften Connie's expression. The other girl has a stormy look in her eyes, and she frowns as she listens to M'gann.
"You never smile when you look at me." Connie points out, looking straight at her as she speaks. "You used to, but you don't anymore…You don't talk to me much, either. So I want to know, what's going on? What happened…" There is something pressing at her thoughts, and M'gann realizes with a start that Connie is trying to broadcast her thoughts to her. Supergirl's thoughts aren't exactly nuanced like a Martian's, much rougher around the edges…But there is a certain forthright feeling and strength to them. And it's easy enough for her to pick out what Connie is trying to convey.
"Is it something I did wrong?"
"N-no…" She still doesn't trust herself with telepathy…Even if speaking out loud isn't working very well either. It certainly doesn't mask the nervous feeling squeezing around her chest and throat, and she worries that with Supergirl's hearing its easy to pick out how fast her heart is beating. "It's nothing wrong with you. It's-"
Something wrong with her. Abnormal, and still not able to fit into Earth no matter how much she tries.
Her camouflage falls over her like a curtain, and she fades from sight and into the scenery. Connie starts as she ripples out and starts to hold out a hand to stop her…But by then she's well out of sight. M'gann darts away with barely a ripple in the scenery, drifting up into the air and out of immediate reach. Below, she can make out Connie glancing around as she bolts to her feet, and can just pick out her narrowing her eyes-
'Hello, Megan!' She could smack her forehead if she wasn't so worried on distorting her cloaking; of course Supergirl has that infrared vision. It should be easy enough to find her and pick her out. Connie frowns as she glances around…But doesn't look directly at M'gann. And it doesn't look like she's using her abilities at all, from how her eyes are unfocused; they continue to glaze over the spot where M'gann floats, and Connie lets her breath out in a frustrated sigh.
"…I want to help." The other girl talks into empty air, voice raised enough that it's clear she's trying to speak to M'gann, wherever she is. "But I don't want to…" a growl cuts through her words, as Connie scuffs her boot against the ground to work out some frustration. M'gann can see how tight her shoulders are, and even though her hands are buried in those cargo pants pockets, M'gann can guess they're balled into fists. "Push you into something you don't want. But don't shut me out…"
M'gann thinks she can hear a 'please' at the end of that, although Connie stares down at the place her boot has scratched a furrow in the ground, frowning at that. The other girl slowly turns and walks away, not even leaping towards the sky. M'gann tries to push herself up further into the sky, and well out of range. Well away from those words, and all the confusion that comes with them as she flies back to the cave.
-o-o-o-
She lets the shower water run on the warm side, to help dull the roil her thoughts have turned into. M'gann lets the water pelt her for all of a minute before twisting it back off. Her skin is crawling from the temperature, and drinks in the chill from the air as she steps back out. A brief command as she slips her harness back around her shoulders, and it morphs into a towel that wraps around her while still letting her skin breathe. (Not pink this time, though. It stays a flat, grayed out red around her, and M'gann can't bring herself to exert any energy to change that.) The mirrors haven't fogged up from such a short burst of heat, and her eyes catch on one of them as she walks past them.
M'gann stares at her reflection, at the body she's so carefully sculpted and refined, until wearing it feels as natural as breathing. Green skin, long hair, full lips...Clearly feminine. She presses her hand against the mirror, looking at the long, slender fingers that spread out and obscure her breasts and hips. M'gann bites at her lip as she looks at her obscured reflection.
More and more, she's convinced that the problem is with her. Or with her shape. And maybe if it's just her…She can fix that. Through her tensed up fingers, M'gann gives her reflection a watery smile. When she exhales, her hand balls into a fist, and she can just make out her body start to ripple and waver behind it.
"It's okay. You can do this, M'gann." She encourages herself, repeating the thought as her muscles flex, then give a slight complaint as she stretches them out and reforms them. Her chest flattens out, feeling like a vice is pressing around her lungs, and she forces herself to take deeper breaths. Her hips itch and burn as they change around, and she puts more weight onto her hand, bracing herself with her arm until her balance comes back and she can take her hand away.
M'gann stares back at the stranger in the mirror. The person who looks back at her has her eyes, but with a gaunt face and body. The green has been leeched out of the skin, leaving a pale color behind...Eerily close to the skin she's been trying to hide under her Megan mask.
This should fix how she feels about Supergirl, she's certain. She should feel more confident in a body like this, feel like-
Feel like she's standing in a skin that isn't hers.
That knot stays tight in her chest as she looks at herself, and as if to mock her, another starts forming in her throat. Her forehead bumps into the glass as she slumps forward, feeling her newly sculpted shoulders start to shake.
"M'gann?" When she opens her eyes, Connie is reflected over her shoulder. Her boots and jeans are both spattered with mud, telling M'gann where she's been. "What's-"
Her form melts back into green skinned, female M'gann as Connie watches. It doesn't do anything to clear the surprise from Supergirl's face, though. And from the way she's looking at M'gann, it's clear she's still waiting for an answer.
"…I thought maybe I should try changing myself. Into something-" Better, she wants to say, but can't get the word out of her mouth. Now that she's back in her Megan shape, it feels more comfortable. "…Different. To see if that would make me feel better."
"Well...I like how you look." Connie echoes M'gann's words from several months ago…And all at once, it's too much. M'gann chokes on the sob building up in her throat, tries to swallow it, but it gets coughed out between her teeth anyway. Her breathing goes ragged as Connie's reflection gives her an astonished, confused blink.
A pair of arms wrap around her, pulling her close, and she can feel her back fitting into Connie's chest and stomach as her teammate holds her tight. Connie's touch is amazingly gentle as her fingers trace up M'gann's side before resting just under her chin and stroking at her neck. The motion is a little clumsy, unpracticed…But still soft on her skin.
"M'gann, talk to me." Connie whispers next to her cheek before exhaling out. Another word drifts into her ear with that breath, a soft, almost desperate "Please…" It's enough to make M'gann's eyes widen and turn her head just enough so she isn't looking at their reflection. Instead she looks straight at Connie, looks at her eyes, and almost sinks into them. The blue in them is as bright as ever, but there is a tenderness in them that she only saw a glimmer of so many months ago, when she talked about how much she liked her shirt.
M'gann opens the link wide between them as she shuts her own eyes. She lets all that longing and heartache flow out of her and into the open for the other girl to feel…Even while she's terrified that Connie will drown in it. Those emotions have gone straight back up to terrifying with how strong they are…And how much they hurt. But Connie's grip on her shoulders stays strong, and she doesn't push M'gann away like she half fears. Instead Supergirl traces her fingers along M'gann's shoulders, like she can ease her breath and thoughts into something smoother. And for a moment M'gann thinks she can catch a glimmer of understanding in the other girl's thoughts.
Understanding. Not disgust. Not rejection…And while she wants to cling tight to that, it also makes her thoughts stagger in confusion. Her eyes blink open, and her vision catches with Supergirl's…And when she looks, really looks into those blue eyes, her breath catches as she sees that spark in them. She's pulled back to that night in the park, and that light between two people is there in her face…And in Connie's thoughts, as well.
"Y-You aren't-" Realizing that numbs her tongue, and makes any words she might have scatter. Connie doesn't waver though, and finally M'gann is able to choke out "You aren't upset?" Or disgusted, or freaked out by it; she lets some of that confusion twist between them. But even with that buzzing between their minds, she can already pick out Supergirl's answer from her thoughts.
"No, I'm not. I don't feel any different then you." Although she doesn't have that same confusion as her, is a lot more confident in herself…But she doesn't lack that same warm feeling in her chest, either. M'gann finally composes her own thoughts long enough to blurt out "Why?"
The other girl can pick out the rest in her head; why isn't she confused or scared by all of this? Why can she treat it so…Normally?
"Love between girls happens," Connie's voice is pitched low, but hasn't lost any of its strength. Her words have a slight stiffness to them, telling M'gann that she's pulling at least a little of her answer from the Cadmus knowledge. "It isn't covered in detail the same way heterosexual relationships are, but-" She must be able to pick out the confusion flickering over her face, and amends her words. "Cadmus lists 'homosexuality' as affection and attraction between two members of the same sex and gender, both romantic and sexual. Distinct from but similar to a relationship between members of the opposite sexes."
"That's...That actually exists?" At Connie's nod, another question tumbles out of her mouth. "Why didn't I ever see anything about it before?"
At that raised eyebrow, she continues in a more hushed voice. "I mean...On television. It's always been between a boy and a girl, from what I've seen-"
"I got fed some news about civil rights and…Stuff," Connie gives a shrug to that, before continuing. "So I guess it's one of those things other people have a hard time getting used to."
That does at least explain the absence of it on TV, although it doesn't ease out the tenseness in her hands and shoulders. "Don't you...Aren't you worried about that?"
"No." Connie shakes her head. "I like you."
"But-"
"But I love you." She counters easily, not even letting M'gann finish. (Although really, it's a little hard to figure out why she's trying to argue the point in the first place.)
"You…Said 'love' that time." Her cheeks go pink as she notes that, and M'gann is certain that Connie's ears turn a very similar shade as she nods.
"…Yeah. I didn't get the chance to tell you before, but I feel the same." M'gann frowns over that inflection of 'before,' until the memory of when she first admitted, at least to herself, that she is in love snaps back into place and spills out into words.
"You mean the training simulation? But I-?"
"You weren't exactly putting a damper on your thoughts." Connie gives a brief smile at that, showing a hint of her teeth. Which only serves to make M'gann's cheeks burn that much hotter; M'gann ducks her head as Supergirl pulls her close. M'gann turns a little in her arms so she's fully facing Connie; can look up at her through her bangs and watch her smile. Much like before, seeing Supergirl smile…Does something to her, and transforms the other girl's face. She was lovely to look at before; she's stunning now.
Connie runs a hand down M'gann's side as she thinks that, tracing over her ribs and resting on her hip, before wrapping an arm around her back and tracing her fingers along her spine and through that towel. It's enough to make her breath come fast, and the sensations almost tear her attention away from Supergirl's face.
And how nice her lips look, now that they're in a smile.
"W-Wait-" M'gann gasps out, her voice thin and labored. She has to pull air back into her lungs before she can manage a more steady "Wait."
Connie, mercifully, listens to her, easing her grip so M'gann can stand on her own two feet…Plus Connie's hand on her back, when M'gann realizes just how shaky and wobbly her balance is.
"Before anything else, I want to try kissing you first." Connie half nods at that, and half ducks her head as her cheeks color a little. She gives a low 'okay,' and M'gann thinks that there's a good chance Supergirl is still getting used to this, too.
With how rough and callused Connie's hands are, M'gann almost expects her lips to be the same. They're not; how smooth they are makes her breath hitch up during that first second of contact. The next second and they make her balance start to waver out again, to the point that she's very grateful she has Supergirl's shoulder to lean against and an arm wrapped around her back. The water from the shower leaves her bangs wet, and they stick between their foreheads and make her skin tickle.
Connie's fingers are tense against her back, making those patterns she traces over M'gann's shoulders more rigid then fluid. M'gann realizes that her own shoulders are still tensed, that she isn't fully relaxed against Supergirl, and gives a murmured "oops," as Connie shakes her head.
"I think it takes some getting used to." Connie offers. And for a second M'gann swears she catches a stray thought of 'But practice makes perfect' before Supergirl kisses her again.
-o-o-o-
The next few weeks go by in a blur of ups and downs, and half the time M'gann feels as though her telekinesis is on full force, even when she's in school. She just has to glance at Connie, seated at the chair across from her and catch a flicker of her smile, and she weighs nothing at all.
The other half of the time, M'gann spends wishing she could sink into the floor. Her shoulders slump forward from a heavy weight latched in her chest and gnawing away at her heart. The trip to Qurac does little to help with that feeling, regardless of how Supergirl seems dedicated to holding her hand. (And not being annoyed over where her name was sourced from, which is a small blessing.) It's strange, how one second she can feel completely relaxed around Supergirl one minute, and awkward and unsure the next.
Around December, M'gann hears the cave intercom flicker on, and Black Canary's voice asks for her. Come to the usual meeting room when she's ready, it says…Not really a demand, from how level the voice is. It still leaves her feeling a little tense, but also urges M'gann to hurry towards the sometimes-therapy-sometimes-meeting-room.
She can't catch a trace of Canary's blonde hair when she opens the door. The usual green chairs are there, and the fountain in the side of the wall provides a soothing noise…But the team's instructor isn't there. What M'gann catches instead is two black-haired heads. Connie is easy to pick out, even though she isn't facing M'gann. The other, though…
She's never really seen that member of the League in something other then her costume. For a moment her memory sputters for a name, up until she picks out those sharp blue eyes and the authority behind them; then there's no mistaking the woman seated in front of her, back straightened in such a way that she could be resting on a throne instead of a green armchair.
The air is still, and there seems to be a lull in whatever conversation she walked in on. Glancing around for Black Canary again (and not finding any trace of her) M'gann's eyes get caught on Supergirl for a moment. Her teammate has a strange, thoughtful look on her face, as Connie glances between Wonder Woman and back at herself. M'gann can see those blue eyes noting the similarities between them.
"We will talk more on this, later." Somehow, despite her word choice, the League member also manages to express 'and when you're ready' into that as well. Equal parts order and request. M'gann expects Connie to bristle over the order part…But Supergirl's expression is more thoughtful then anything else. And she simply nods to Wonder Woman before giving M'gann one of those warm smiles and turning to leave.
"Sister…Have a seat," Wonder Woman motions to the chair across from her, and M'gann finds herself suddenly in the position of hearing the room's waterfall fountain roaring in her ears as she tries to talk to a mentor. Tries to remind herself that she can manage whatever she needs to do.
"W…" It isn't a good start, with how she trips over the name. "Wonder Woman. I'm not…" Comfortable. Sure what she should say. If she should even be here at all, given that the League hero was already speaking with Supergirl.
There's no data on Amazons having telepathy, but Wonder Woman seems to have no trouble reading all of that as she watches M'gann. "You may call me Diana, if doing so makes you more comfortable. And makes it easier to speak about what you need to say."
Somehow, that eases the lump in her throat. At least enough that she can start getting words out. "O-okay, Diana. I…Why am I here?" That's harmless enough, she hopes. At least Wonder Woman's eyes aren't harsh or severe as she takes the question in.
"I was already hoping to meet with your team, to see what our potential new recruits might be like." The Amazon begins, and M'gann can swear there's a smile behind her voice; like there's a private little joke in there. "Canary already told me that you, Supergirl, Artemis and Zatanna are achieving great things. But she also called me a few hours ago, and asked me to arrive as soon as possible. Apparently, she was speaking with your teammate, Supergirl."
Her breath goes tight in her lungs and squeezes painfully at her chest when M'gann hears that. Her eyes sting as well, but she can't bring herself to look away from Diana. "Your teammate is concerned about you. But from the sound of it, didn't know how to help. So,"
She finally manages to breathe, getting just enough air to form words. "She went to Canary? And told her about…Us?" She's not sure what to feel about that; there's a flash of dismay that makes her heart feel watery, followed by an anger that burns at her skin before shifting into embarrassed hot splotches across her face.
"She's worried about you." Wonder Woman repeats, and M'gann's emotions give up on all of those sensations and settle for a stunned numbness instead. Diana must be able to pick that out from the stare M'gann gives her, as she continues. "That's why she went to Canary. And why your instructor called for me. I might be able to help with some of what you're experiencing."
M'gann just manages to give a nod at that, as Diana continues.
"I've found my own difficulties with this world. My people are not aliens, but we have been cut off from the rest of the world for a long time. Coming back to find progress and regression can be difficult…As are the attitudes." Her next nod comes a little more easily, as she listens.
"It's strange…But you cannot let it discourage you. M'gann," Diana's eyes take on a sharper look, as she gauges M'gann. "Do you love her?"
The suddenness of that question shocks the words out of her, and M'gann feels them slip out in a hushed "…More then anything…"
"Then you are not wrong. Or confused. Or anything else that might be thrown at you. What you are is lucky, to find someone that gives you joy."
"You're…Awfully comfortable about talking about this. Where did you l-learn so much about…" She trails off, uncertain on how to continue. Diana simply gives her a look that is equally parts sympathetic and humoring, which is odd to see on a face that normally looks sculpted into regal and determined.
"M'gann. My birthplace was Paradise Island. Where do you THINK the terms 'Lesbian' and 'Sapphic' originated from?"
"Well, from Greec- Oh." If anything, that makes her color more brightly, and M'gann starts to duck her head. Diana counters any shyness by brushing a hand over her shoulder, in a gesture that is strangely reminiscent of her uncle.
"There is one more thing you shoulder consider; I spoke with Black Canary on this, and I agree with what she said. Loving Connie is agreeable…But to properly express that, you should also love yourself." M'gann tries not to flinch under Wonder Woman's gaze, or from her advice. She wonders if Diana or Canary would still say the same thing if they knew or saw her other shape…And then she pictures their anger, mingled with Connie's sneer and Psimon's laughter as she tries to shrink away and hide behind her claws. That mental image is enough to convince her not to dwell on that.
Diana doesn't remark on her silence; instead she eases herself up and strides towards the door. Connie could have been waiting outside, given how quickly she steps inside once Diana announces "We're finished here, for now at least."
And just like that, Wonder Woman leaves them alone. Maybe with the intention of letting the two girls talk things out between them…Although if that's the case, they let her down. Connie simply watches M'gann, a half apologetic and worried look on her face. Her shoulders are tense, and she looks like she isn't certain if she did the right thing or not.
M'gann motions for her to come forward, and when Supergirl gets close enough, wraps a hand around her wrist. She gives it a reassuring squeeze and also gives Connie's arm a light tug to pull her down on the chair; that's the extent of her answer, but her teammate-girlfriend seems to understand it well enough.
They don't say anything for the longest time, instead curled up together. M'gann finds that she doesn't really need words, though; listening to Connie's heartbeat through her chest, feeling their sides press and move together as they both inhale and exhale…Words don't feel necessary, next to that.
Finally, as Connie starts to drift off a little (she can feel it in the brainwaves and strength of the other girl's thoughts, and how they start to slow down and become muted) M'gann lifts her head enough to whisper in her ear "thank you." It's only a few minutes later that M'gann follows, tucking her head under Connie's chin and letting her eyes and thoughts relax.
She wakes up, warm and content in Connie's arms. Supergirl is relaxed against her, face buried in her hair. From the soft ebb and flow of her thoughts, which perfectly mirror her breathing, she's in that place halfway between awake and asleep. And those hands on M'gann's shoulders are incredibly gentle; the most relaxed she's ever felt from Connie.
As she soaks all that in, M'gann feels the briefest glimmer that maybe, just maybe, there might be some hope for loving herself…And trusting Supergirl with it as well.
"M'gann," Connie gradually stirs awake and whispers in her ear, and she responds with a gentle "mmm?"
"I think it's getting close to eight…The League induction is in a few hours."
They leave the room with their fingers still touching, and M'gann thinks that Wonder Woman has a point. Maybe with a little more practice, she could be normal. This could be normal.
-o-o-o-
…Not normal. Not even close to human. M'gann feels that as her body melts and shifts. Over the sound of her muscles sighing and stretching, she can hear the gasps of her teammates. It cuts at her, lodges deep in her chest, and when she sees them backing away from her, M'gann hunches over a little more then before. She crouches in her bleached out skin, clutches at her shoulders with her claws and tries to curl up and away. If she didn't feel freakish before, she does now.
One of her hands slips as she turns her head from her team. When a familiar grip closes around it, she can't quite register what she's feeling at first; but quickly enough, she can pick out those rough spots on Connie's fingers, even when her skin is like this. As the shock passes, her claws curl around that hand, and she can feel Supergirl's thumb tracing slow, relaxing circles over her own hand.
She knew. She always knew, even before they took the plunge of being together. Feeling that in Connie's thoughts is painful and gentle all in equal turns, and M'gann is almost grateful that she doesn't have tear ducts in this form because otherwise she'd be weeping.
Everything that follows is almost an anti-climax, compared to that. Fighting on Santa Prisca, then in the Watch Tower…It doesn't really compare. It also passes in a blur of adrenaline and panic, with just a few slight lulls of being next to Supergirl.
A few spikes of alarm and pain as she confronts her uncle and is smashed through a wall by Superman. There are still points of soreness lingering around her head and neck when Connie pulls her back to her feet, (which flicker a little as she morphs them back into something human) and glances down through the hole Supergirl made in the floor to where Wonder Woman is still contained.
Her breath is coming harder then M'gann would like to admit by they, her balance still feeling off, and her focus scattered…Although she still has the concentration for slipping a chip under the superheroine's skin. Connie does the job of distracting her, and M'gann has a brief jolt of satisfaction as they break her free from that mind control; a slight way of returning the favor from before.
By the time they watch the sunrise, M'gann's mind and heartbeat of slowed down enough to let her get a few thoughts in. And she thinks that TV never prepared her for a relationship like this…But TV never really talked much about fighting the Justice League on New Years, or how safe and beautiful it feels to watch the Earth from space while wrapped up in her girlfriend's arms. It's not kissing in the rain or like any of those scenes she's seen on TV. And M'gann decides that she wouldn't have it any other way.