She was terrified.
The prospect of going to Ukraine intrigued her however the thought of leaving Serena behind not so much. Their relationship had come on fast and hard, the seriousness taking her by surprise. Her marriage to Marcus had reached its limits long before it was ended and with Alex it had been emotional and tumultuous.
Having realised long after her children were born that relationships were not her forte Bernie had done her best to avoid any that were more than necessary.
That was until Serena had blasted through every barrier Bernie had though she had built up. With the regular Shiraz sessions and quiz nights with Jason, Serena had inched her way further into Bernie's life than any other, not that either of them realised this.
Bloody woman.
She had convinced herself that after their kiss in the OR and the consequent chat in the office that they would be able to move forward without any unnecessary drama. That she would be able to move through her working days without worrying that people were talking over her shoulder or waiting for her to slip up.
Then Serena had only gone and all but professed her love for her. Bernie had almost felt it coming but that moment stood watching the cryo van leave when Serena turned to her with that look in her eye she had known.
It hadn't taken long for every insecurity, every bit of shame and every last piece of self-doubt to rise up and feel like it was going to explode out of her head. She had given Hanssen her answer and packed her gear out of locker room. Knowing that he had approved her leave before she flew out at the end of the week gave her little reassurance as she made her way to AAU.
She could feel every last little bit of pain that emanated from Serena's eyes as she told her that she had accepted the secondment. Pushing her back eased it little and she knew that she would have to leave soon or fall to her knees begging forgiveness.
Leaving Serena standing in the middle of AAU as she bolted out the door caused her almost as much pain as the IED that had brought her to Holby in the first place.
The journey to her apartment was quick and quiet.
It only took her a matter of minutes to pack her bags, having only unpacked what she needed when she needed it. Glancing around the flat she could see the small imprints Serena had left there on her few visits. An empty bottle of shiraz and glasses laying by the sink and shirt hanging off her bedroom door after they had got caught in a shower and they had swapped it for a dry one before they had headed out.
Bernie dropped down on to her sofa, the only light coming in from a street lamp outside.
"Idiot"
…..
When Serena had arrived in AAU the next day she had half expected Bernie to be prowling about like she always did, watching over the shoulders their staff. Dropping her bag onto her desk she scanned quickly through the notes that had been stuck to her computer throughout the night. Clutching a post-it note in hand she threw open the office door.
"Raf can you come in here please?"
Letting the door close behind her she let herself drop into her chair, looking up when Raf let himself in.
"Who told you that Ms Wolfe would not be in for the foreseeable future?" she asked, letting the crumpled note drop to the desk.
"Hanssen rang down first thing this morning and wanted me to pass it on to you as he hadn't been able to get hold of you last night" Raf explained, propping his hip against her desk, casually ignoring the change in title.
"He mentioned that Bernie is leaving on Monday for the secondment in Ukraine … opening up a Trauma Centre I believe, and that she would be taking the next couple of days to sort everything out".
Serena sighed rubbing her brow with one hand, the other resting on her stomach.
"I suppose just about the whole building knows now" she asked quietly. Raf couldn't help the small smile that crept onto his face as he answered.
"You know how the place works … the porters can't help themselves".
"Right well, Ms Wolfe has made her decision so let's just keep this place going, I'm assuming we have patients to treat".
…..
Bernie had been ready to leave for the airport the night before but nerves kept her awake, meaning her bags had been packed and unpacked a dozen times. When it finally reached the time for her to leave she was all ready to burst out her front door.
Bags in one hand and keys in the other Bernie made her way down to her car, calm finally settling in as she started the engine and drove. It didn't take her long to reach the airport, being early enough that she ran into almost no one.
Having arranged for her long-term parking Bernie made her way into the terminal, stopping in the entrance. Placing her bags on the floor she straightened her shirt, the flannel soft and comforting, and pulled her jacket closer around her. Glad that she had thought ahead to wear her hair up she threw the strap of her carry on over her head and bent to pick up her suitcase.
"I honestly thought you would at least say goodbye"
She froze, hand not quite grasping the handle of her bag. Letting her arm swing back to her side she turned, instantly knowing she wasn't ready to face the main cause of her recent lack of sleep.
"I didn't think you would want to see me" she replied, her arms crossing themselves across her chest, the defensiveness of the movement obvious.
"You didn't really give me much of a chance to do anything packing off the way you did" Serena breathed out, her eyes taking in the paleness of the other woman's face, the bags under her eyes. She took a step closer despite wanting to keep as much space between them as possible.
"I wanted to be so angry at you after you left … So angry like you couldn't imagine … but I couldn't … how pathetic is that?" the question floated between them, the words heavy.
Bernie sighed before she took dropped her other bag on top of her case, the strap feeling heavy across her body.
"I don't exactly have the best effect on people Serena … I didn't want to be responsible for causing you any pain" the explanation was feeble, they could both sense that.
"What right do you have to make that decision for me … What have I ever done to make you think that I would let you hurt me?".
Another step forward and she was within arm's distance of Bernie now.
"I pushed you into this …" Bernie's words cut off with a wave of Serena's hand.
"You didn't push me into anything that I didn't want … I might not have expected it or been comfortable with it at the beginning but I am more than comfortable with telling someone to back off" she replied, doing her best to keep her voice steady.
"Don't you dare think that I would be so simple as to lose touch with all of my senses … I am more than capable of realising when I am in over my head" she carried on, the need to get her point across strong.
"I had honestly thought that I had reached a point in my life when nothing could be thrown up in the air the way it was after meeting you … So you might not have the best track record when it comes to relationships but then neither do I … and I was quite happy for it to be the two of us figuring that out together"
"You deserve so much more than a battered, emotionally unstable, old woman Serena"
"You don't get to make that decision for me"
With that Serena caught Bernie's face in her hands and kissed her. Neither moved for a few moments before they pressed themselves closer to each other, Bernie's arms wrapping themselves around Serena's waist and the hands on her face gently moved lower until they were resting against her neck.
The bustle of activity around the two faded away as they broke apart, their foreheads resting against each other as they breathed deeply.
"I haven't forgiven you yet … don't forget that" Serena whispered.
"I won't … I haven't earned it yet" Bernie replied, her eyes closed as they both still refused to move.
"I know better than to ask you to stay but I want you to promise me something" the brunette muttered, turning her face into Bernie's neck as she pressed herself close yet still.
"Anything"
"Promise me you will come home … We still have a lot to talk about … Your communication skills being one of them"
Bernie laughed, a hand rising to brush away a stray tear from the corner of her eye.
"I don't deserve you".
"You absolutely do … Don't you forget it"