This shall remain a one-shot, inspired by my current favourite song 'Youth' by Daughter. When I first heard it I thought of Raven and I was determined to write something BBRae. Maybe I'm just in one of those moods, y'know the 'I WILL relate anything back to my OTP, and your argument is invalid' mood. So, here ya go!
Shadows settle on the place that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle; it's a waste of time,
From the perfect start, to the finish line.
The darkening sky swirled with greys and blues, the harsh wind beckoning the coming storm. The chill was setting in the empath's bones, yet she stayed motionless in the limited light that was steadily leeching out further. She had been left for some time, alone on the rooftop that in so many ways had become her safe haven. It had been hours since Beast Boy had disturbed her. She had, as always, sent him fleeing. She often felt wretched for how badly she shut him down, and sometimes she herself didn't know why she did it. There was no light without him, the atmosphere was smothering and omnipresent, she'd accepted this some time ago, yet she continued to sit, stoic and unmoving in the darkness where he left her. The night wind howled as it whipped icily against her numbing face, still she did not move. Violet wisps stuck damp to her face from the moisture in the cold air, signalling the rain to come that had not yet fallen. She wondered idly why the changeling continued to intrude on her solitude even after so many rejections, it had almost become a routine between the two, he would risk her wrath and step cautiously toward her, his eyes flashing with hope that she diminished in no time at all. He knew how these attempts of his would end, but he continued to wish for another outcome, the thought baffled Raven, yet she admired his dedication, and she was ever grateful to him for trying, even if she had no understanding of his reasoning.
And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky one.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong,
The lovers that went wrong.
There had been times of great pain for the both of them and for their team mates as well. There had been doubts of the mind, damage of the body and issues of the heart. Yet they all continued to dust off their uniforms and go onward, without hesitation, without discussion, without question. These matters were not openly talked about, and most of them in the long run were not worth mentioning afterward, and better left among the dust the Titans had risen from. There were moments, however, that Raven would never forget, memories good and bad that would be etched forever in her subconscious, never marred by time passed, never losing their clarity. No matter how hard she might wish otherwise, she could never forget the day her father had ascended. Her entire world had been engulfed in stone and fire, her friends had struggled, their enemy had been resurrected and the smoke of hell fire had suffocated all hope. It had been her fault. Another, much less painful, memory was that of Malchior. The manipulative dragon who'd fed her sweet nothings, empty promises and false hopes, and she'd gobbled them up. She'd allowed herself to be fooled by all the things she'd never known she'd longed to hear. She was given them in a cruel game that had shattered her fragile heart and more than that, her sense of self. She'd never deemed herself as the kind of girl to be swayed by kind words and a pretty face. He'd played her for a fool. She'd believed herself a fool. But again the changeling had appeared, 'I'm sorry that…he broke your heart.' His voice had been so tentative, it had been laced with sadness that she'd never heard him utter before. It was the voice of grief and regret, and again she didn't understand it. She didn't understand him. And yet she wanted him so much closer. It took her a long time to realise the truth of it. Every ounce of comfort Beast Boy had offered her, every gentle word he'd breathed, every inkling he gave of caring for her at all; all of it could be debunked by the fact that he spoke out of guilt or understanding, either because he believed himself to blame or because he'd experienced something similar. It had nothing to do with her. Yet she basked in his comfort, no matter how temporarily. She couldn't bring herself to dispose of the cursed book, just as he still clung to the idea that Terra would return to him, it was fruitless and painful, and the empath and changeling fell together in their loneliness.
We are the reckless.
We are the wild youth,
Chasing visions of our futures.
One day we'll reveal the truth,
That one will die before he gets there.
Being a superhero was a full-time occupation that left them little time to discover who they were as individuals, each day the Titans were required to launch themselves into a fight that could well result in the loss of their lives, yet they did so. It was compulsory for them to simply leave their thoughts and fears behind and risk all they had left in the world to protect people they'd never spoken to, but they did it without complaint. With every celebratory pizza there was a relentless torrent of relief from each member, each pizza they ordered was a non-verbal way of saying 'congratulations, you survived'. The more cynical corners of their minds quietly reminded them that tomorrow was another day, a day in which they might slip, and lose everything in the process. They knew that their lives were on the line, yet they so willingly flung themselves in harm's way to protect each other, they were more than a team, they were a family. Each of them dreaded the thought that one of them was to be taken away. They all knew that it was inevitable; they would eventually have to part. Raven wasn't one for socialising, she wasn't good with affection and she didn't voice her feelings, but as she thought of each of her team mates, she wondered if they knew her well enough to tell how much she valued them all, her chest constricted painfully at the thought of never seeing them again, and as the insufferable face of the grinning changeling came to mind, her chest didn't just constrict, it burned.
And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky one.
'Cause most of our feelings they are dead,
And they are gone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun.
Raven had realised in the beginning that the sting of an open wound was much more bearable that the engulfing ache of a damaged soul and broken heart. It was this knowledge that helped her retain her withdrawn nature. Letting someone in was giving someone the power to hurt you, but trusting them not to. Raven didn't trust easily. As a child she'd never been shown affection, she'd never been trusted. She was the walking apocalypse. She had already grown before the Titans had entered her life. It went against the grain for her to believe what they told her. But they'd proved her wrong, they'd stopped Trigon, they'd breathed life back into the world. And steadily Raven herself had started believing. And she remembered so clearly how it had felt to stand amongst her friends, victorious and no longer filled with a demon's hatred. She'd been purged of it all, all of the anger, the guilt, she was free. And Beast Boy had flung himself at her, overwhelmingly happy at her survival, she hadn't understood it then, and she refused to hope even now. She'd never considered it a possibility for someone to feel for her, but maybe he did. But even if he did, she would not let him break her, she couldn't allow herself to be made vulnerable, not again. Not after… 'You think you're alone, Raven…but you're not.'
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home,
It was a flood that wrecked this.
…and you caused it,
…and you caused it,
…and you caused it.
Raven once read a study that suggested that people, who have suffered emotional trauma or depression, might in fact have a more accurate perception of reality. Raven didn't place much stock in this theory, but when one experiences inner pain their livelihood is marred by these past circumstances. Raven's past had caused her stoic demeanour, she didn't expect much out of anything. People come, people go, bad things happen, there's nothing we can do about it, such is the way of life, or so Raven told herself. If only she was truly set on this belief, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much when it was proven right. She didn't cry often, she never allowed herself to really cry, but every now and then when no one was watching, she'd let a tear or two fall. She wished she could cry now, as she sat atop the tower, the vicious wind freezing the moisture at the corner of her eye. The tears were building up, but she wouldn't allow them to fall. Even though she knew that the crying would exhaust her and give her a good night's sleep, she worried that if she started now, she'd never stop. There was so much to cry about, in a world that looked so beautiful. The storm was starting now, the rain falling in heavy, relentless sheets angled down to her face. Within seconds she was drenched, still she did not budge. She moved only her eyes as she glanced down at the cluster of rocks that met the water below her. The same place that her and Beast Boy had often gone to talk; they'd bring each other comfort that the others simply couldn't provide. Raven once again did not understand this. She couldn't comprehend why it was always him that she thought she needed, why was his face the one she saw before she slept? The stormy seas smashed against the shore line, flinging salt water high into the air with the impact, devouring those rocks in an instant.
Well, I've lost it all.
I'm just a silhouette,
A lifeless face that you'll soon forget.
My eyes are damp from the words that you've left,
Ringing in my head when you broke my chest,
Ringing in my head when you broke my chest.
Maybe today had been the today. Maybe she'd finally pushed him too far. Maybe, just maybe she'd rejected him one too many times, and he'd surrendered. It was only now that she realised how much she truly didn't want him to go. He'd always come back, he had to, didn't he? Maybe the reason why she sent him away is because she wanted him to keep trying. She liked that he worried, she liked that he went out of his way to try and include her, even though he should've known by now that it was fruitless. She enjoyed the idea of being unattainable and he was a glutton for punishment. Maybe they'd let it go on too long to change the game now. What was she to do, invite him to sit beside her? Ask him to take her away, to somewhere where she'd never disappointed or frightened anyone? That was where she wanted to go, but not without him. And the reason why she was soaked and shivering alone on the rooftop was because she'd finally cracked. Their routine had been shattered, her impassive façade had slipped with his last words 'maybe there really is no helping you…' that's what he'd said. He'd tried to beckon her inside, he'd warned her of the coming weather, and asked her to spend some time with him. She'd turned him down without a thought, a force of habit. And he'd whined longer still, his grin falling and his shoulders slumping and her words getting colder and harsher. She was the storm, and he was the shore she so violently crashed down upon. He had been the only one who was still making an effort for her, even after she herself had given up. And she'd destroyed him. Maybe it would be best for him to pursue other things, another girl, even if the thought clawed at her insides. She lived in the shadows, as he took the light. 'Maybe there really is no helping you…'
And if you're in love, you're the lucky one.
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Why did the thought of losing him break her so completely? It burned with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns and she immediately hated the phantom woman she imagined him running to. He'd always meant well. His intentions were perfect, and he wore his heart of gold on his sleeve, he'd held it out to her. She could've taken it, she'd crushed it instead. She had realised too late what he'd been offering, what he'd always been willing to offer. They could've been perfect in a world that is so far from it. She was the only one jeopardising her own happiness. After everything: Terra, Malchior, The Beast and Trigon, he'd always been there, he'd still wanted her. She'd thrown it all back in his face. In her mind's eye she saw his pained expression, his quivering lip and protruding fang, his shimmering eyes damp with unshed tears, and she watched as he spun on his heel and trudged away under sagging shoulders. 'Maybe there really is no helping you…' She hated herself for putting such a look on his face, he didn't deserve her cruelty. He deserved nothing less than her love. And that was the point of her epiphany, she loved him and in that moment she realised that he'd loved her from the start. He'd given her the power to break him, and she had.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But, I'm forever missing him.
Her chest was engulfed by flame, and it never felt so good to be burnt. She'd never understood. But now she did. It wasn't weakness, it was showing another your most vulnerable state, and trusting them to still be there. She wanted that. She wanted him. The rain was pelting and she was moving not of her own will, her body was shaking with violent tremors of numbing cold. And she cried. Her tears trailed down her frozen cheeks, leaving a burning in their wake. Why hadn't he come back? He always came back. She flinched as she felt arms wrap around her frozen form, yanking her up from behind. She shivered at the warmth of another body, as she was pulled against it.
"I told you there was a storm coming, Rae." He whispered to her and she cried harder. "Look at you, you're shivering." He murmured as he rubbed at her arms, attempting to bring some colour back into the near-blue skin.
He moved toward the tower, and she followed. The second they were through the door she collapsed into him and he tentatively wrapped his arms around her, cocooning her in his warmth. After the tremors subsided he tilted her face toward his. There were a thousand questions in his eyes, and she had no words for her feelings. "I'm s-sorry…" she managed to get out between chattering teeth and blue lips. He hushed her gently and tucked a strand of dripping hair behind her ear.
"What do you want me to do, Rae?" he asked softly.
"Don't go." She whispered, a shudder rolling through her.
He gave her a smile so tender that warmth spread within her, momentarily chasing out the cold, and he capturing her lips within his own and breathed life back into her frozen body, and he fuelled the ever present fire.
And you caused it,
And you caused it,
And you caused it.
Okay then…I wasn't expecting that. So, this is what happens when I put a song on repeat and just go with it. Angsty today, aren't I? Alrighty then! Reviews are appreciated greatly.