I will wait, you will break
I will summon, you will me
I will come undone, you will succumb
I will be vestal, you will bleed…
I want to make you beg me to love you. I want you to realize what you could find in me. I want you to see those nights hand in hand, those kisses under the moonlight, the way I smile when you say something, and know that you could never share any of those moments with anyone else but me. I want you to look at me and hope whatever powers are in control here persuade me to at least consider any type of relationship with you that's at a higher level than the one we have now. I want it to consume you until you take me in your arms and let me know how you feel.
I want this so I know you feel the same way.
This is how it will go; I can see it every time I close my eyes. I'll know by the look in your eyes how you truly will feel. You won't be able to hide it from me. But I won't let you in on it right away. I want to make you wait, I want to make you think about me for so long you can't take it anymore. And when that happens, I will know it's time. I'll take you into another room and play oblivious, until the door is closed and I feel your lips against mine, your fingers through my hair as I try to catch my breath. When you pull away, you'll look me in the eye; we won't need to say anything. Everything we could have said had been communicated in the kiss.
Everything will fade but the two of us; we never needed anything else but each other anyway. They'll pass by like nothing is happening, that this isn't taking place, but it won't matter because we've entered our little world, a place we could never really gain access to until now. And it feels so good to step foot inside, finally, after all this time. We won't need their attention to validate this.
I will finally let go of everything that's been holding me back. I will cut all the strings that have been holding me up, that have been aiding my every move, and rely on you to keep me safe. I know you will. You've never needed to say that you will to let me know. I'll always be reassured of my safety whenever you take me in your arms. We won't have to let anyone in but each other. I will give you all I have if you ask. But we'll have to be careful. You and I will both know that there's one obstacle that we'll have to face together, and I don't know if we will be able to handle it.
But I hope we would overcome JD. You'd know where my love truly lies. If I could just tell him everything, the truth, I would do it, you know I would. But it wouldn't be that easy. I couldn't just tell him that I want to be with you, that it's been that way for so long, that in all honesty he started out as an attempt to get over you, that it never really worked. I couldn't leave him with all of that and just be done with it. It will be hard, but we could make it work, right?
This will be something that I've wanted more than anything, Woody. It will be worth it, it will be so worth it.
I will kill time, you will singe the thread that hangs the lie
I will return the favor
I will not abate, you willingly disintegrate
I will be the undertaker…
You will see how much of a burden it is for me to keep this mask with him. I think on some level, you have always known, but I will not say anything. I won't want to ruin this. I can't ruin this. So I'll hold back; we can't take it too fast so we destroy something so precious, we can't let on that anything more is going on between us. We can't make it too obvious. And while I pretend that I still see some kind of future with JD, you will see how much it is killing me to keep playing the part of the faithful girlfriend. Of course I don't know how he'll take it if I ever told him, and I know that I would be better off telling him rather than sneaking around behind his back, but for now, this will be the only way that I will know how to handle this. Telling him everything he'll be expecting to hear. Letting him believe everything I will work so hard to keep a reality for him.
But on the nights when he is nowhere in sight, that will be our time. You will put a flame to the lie I've been keeping for so long, and we will finally be able to be ourselves, no inhibitions. How I will long for your touch, it will seem like a lifetime before I'm able to feel your lips against my skin again. To see the look in your eyes that is meant for me, only me. You always knew how to make me feel like the only woman on the face of the earth, the only one who was ever worth something, and this moment will be no exception. We will be alone, the only spectator being the moonlight breaking in through the windows and the flames of the candles dancing in celebration of our union.
I will not stop; I don't think you would want me to, anyway. You may have to share me, but you will have me for the night. He won't be around, and you will know the truth. You've had a hold of my heart, on some level, for as long as we have known each other, and you still do. Even after everything, I hope you never forget that.
At some point, it may be too much for us to take. We may start to fall to pieces. If you happen to see me with him, will you start to crumble? I will run to you and save you, protect you for as long as I can before I start to disintegrate myself. We will survive if we want to. And I know we want to.
I will remain, you will burn without a flame
I will suspend forever
I will miss the ground, you will wish me down
You will be my resurrector
I will hold my breath, remember…
Until then, I will stay here, waiting for you. His arms will be wrapped around my waist, he will pull me towards him and believe that we will stay like this forever, but my eyes are on you. They always will be. I'd like to believe that there is a flame somewhere in a deep corner of your heart, keeping it bright, burning for me. And one day you will run to me and see me suspended, stuck, wanting to move but I can't find a way. And you will take my hand and lead me down; you give me a way to feel solid ground underneath my feet for the first time in so long. You revitalize me. You give me life. I need you to know that.
I can't wait much longer, though. I need to feel the ground.
When the living room is cold, when I'm sleeping on my feet
When I wish upon the hardwood and your milky tea
When the corner of my eye follows fairies in the sun
When the silence sounds like someone cracking…
I think of you at night, when he has gone home and I am left with nothing but the hum of the refrigerator and my thoughts swimming in my head. I think of how it would feel to be in your arms without anything holding us back, nothing standing in our way. We could be truly happy, do you know that? If it weren't for one thing or another keeping us from each other, it could work.
You are the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, and in the morning, you are the first thing I think about as I wake up. I don't know what to do. If I could tell you, if I was able to just let everything out with no repercussions, then I would do it in a heartbeat. But I don't know where it would leave us. He's still in my life, Woody. And if I can't have you, at least I'll be with someone who loves me, and that's really all I could ask for.
Isn't it?
I want to make you beg me to love you. I want you to realize what you could find in me. I want you to finally realize what we could be so we can stop denying ourselves our freedom, our happiness. I can't do it; I have too much to lose. If the circumstances were any different, you know I would. All I have to do is wait for you to say something. I can see that you want to; your eyes let me in on everything. But you see him and think that I'm out of reach. And I guess on some level I am. But I hope you see me as worth the fight. You may not now, but I like to believe that eventually you'll come running to me. But until then…
You can't touch me…