Chapter 1: Just the Beginning

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Soul Eater characters and never will. ^^ Oh and this is Post-Manga… By some years. I'm pretty sure the characters were younger than 17-18 in the manga, so in here they are around that age.

Also, I decided to change this story. It will still be on the same basis, but I'm not exactly happy with it. Because of this, I edited this chapter. I hope it's still as good. ^^'

Warning: This chapter contains self-harm so be prepared! Oh and lots of serious cussing and self-hate, be warned. NO hating please!

Thanks for reading~ ^^

Darkness. Surrounding everything, never fleeting.

Silence. Nothing is heard, nothing is said.

Pain. What else is there to feel?

Grief. Regret all that you are.

Loneliness. Always by your side.

Death. Begins and ends all.

The room was dark, no light making its way through the thick navy blue curtains. There was no sound, no movement on the queen-sized bed. 'You're worthless. No one wants you. Why won't you just die already? Or better yet, give your body to me. I will make your pain stop, I will give you freedom from your agony.'

No words were produced in response, no words were needed after all. He knows, yes he knows, what he is. There's no point in denying it any longer. What is the point of staying alive? Living in the fear of the past? What's… The point of any of it? Soul, the one haunted by these thoughts, was laying on his stomach in bed with his head in his pillow, crying out all he could. He's not going to cry anymore after this. No more. He's done with the crying, done with the pain. No one… Wants him anyway. He's completely worthless; someone who only makes mistakes and pretends to be something they aren't. 'Dirty little faker.' Soul didn't even blink at the voice of his Demon. That… Thing… Has been there for a while now, taunting Soul—insulting him. But the Demon isn't to blame for his predicament right now. Only he is at fault. 'I'm the one to blame… For everything. It's all my fault. I'm a bad person. I'm dumb. I'm so… Useless.' Soul shook his head in his pillow, wiping the tears on his reddened cheek away. Soul slowly opened his eyes, head still in the pillow. 'I could suffocate myself… Would that make Them happy?' Maybe it would… Maybe all this pain will finally go away. He was far too gone to care anymore, not even the knowledge that he had friends could bring Soul back from this depressed state. And even if they could, what would they say to him? They'd probably just treat him like They did. It was sad honestly… He couldn't even trust his own friends—people who he has fought beside defeating the Kishin. That only made Soul feel worse… Why couldn't he trust the friends he has known for years? He's seventeen, he should be able to rely on others by now. But how could he when all he thinks about is their responses—their disgust with his being? He's trash. A weapon that can't do anything on his own. Even the eight months he spent with the other higher ups, the people that actually know how to fight by themselves, didn't help improve his fighting, or so he thinks. Soul closed his eyes again, taking a breath. He could feel the oncoming need… The itch.

Soul made a small noise and opened his eyes once more. Everything was drifting away; the overwhelming pain being the only thing left. He pushed himself up, putting pressure on his arms to keep ahold of his body mass. He looked down at his pillow, noticing how it was drenched from his tears. Soul sighed, slowly moving upwards until he was sitting with his knees tucked underneath him. His watery eyes lowered slightly as he continued to stare into nothingness, rubbing his arm roughly. Soul wanted to feel the burn of the fabric of his jacket against his skin. Feel all the pain. Feel the torture he is putting himself through. 'I'm no better than them…'

'Get away from me. I don't want to deal with your bullshit.'

'I wish I had aborted you.'

'You little whore. Do as you're told, drink it up. Make a sound and you'd wish I killed you instead.'

Big, fat tears started falling relentlessly from Soul's eyes. 'A whore. That's what I am. Just a useless object that can be used by anyone…' The rubbing increased in speed, nails digging into the jacket. 'I can't even keep my promise about not crying anymore...' Soul let out a sob. He was such a worthless being. It's a wonder why so many people like him, 'Or so they claim.' Soul raised his hands to his eyes, looking at them through his tears. These hands… belong to a monster. Covering his face with said limbs, Soul cried even harder than before. Every intake of breath hurt, and it didn't help he was sobbing uncontrollably now. 'What ever happened to suffering in silence Soul-kun~? I guess it sort of withered away, huh? Just like that of you~' Soul opened his eyes slightly, face still in his hands. 'It's sickening honestly. Can't keep a single promise~' More tears swelled up in his eyes, threatening to fall like the rest had. 'If I were you, I would think just ending it all would make life so much more… What's the word? Ah… Bearable for everyone.' Soul breath hitched, his eyes widening. Tears clouded his vision as they fell full force down his cheeks. 'And you know its true Soul-kun~ They all look at you with disgust! See for yourself! No one actually wants to be with you~ Oh how happy They'll all be upon the knowledge that the whorish demon is dead! And by his own hand! They'll be so proud! Or shall I say He'll be so proud~?' Soul tucked his head between his knees, his hands grasping his hair as his eyes widen in fear. 'Oh is that the trigger word now? Him.' The demon smirked, 'Are you prepared my dear Soul-kun? For what is to come? The torture I will be putting you through? But atlas! For now, just go on and harm that so called… Body… Of yours.' The Demon sneered as he left Soul to his own thoughts for once.

Soul's body swayed back and forth slightly as he kept his head in-between his knees. He yanked a hand upwards, pulling his hair. The force he used brought more tears to his eyes, but he continues anyway. His head was starting to feel fuzzy. He felt… Nothing. Well nothing other than this unbearable pain—the regret of being born, of living. All the emotions running through his head; the terror, the sorrow, the loneliness—all of it—is becoming overwhelming.

Soul let his eyes droop some more as he slowly slide off his bed and shuffled over to his bedroom door. He reached a shaky hand out as the other clutched his pant leg and touched the door knob, yanking the limb back to him once he felt the coolness of the metal. But he reached out again anyhow and opened the door. He walked straight to the bathroom. He knew Maka wouldn't be back from the store for a little while longer—just enough time for him to rid himself of these feelings.

Soul walked inside the bathroom and shut the door. He sat on the toilet and let his hand roam behind it until he found what he was looking for.

His razor. (1)

Soul slid his sweat pants down slightly, revealing his creamy colored skin. He stared at the object in his hand, examining the way the light glinted off the metal. It felt like forever before Soul was able to tear his gaze away from the item. He took a shaky breath, tears brimming around his eyes again as he lowered the razor to the top of his thigh. He put pressure on the razor, staring intently as the blood began to ooze out of him.

It stung. It hurt.

However, not as much as his emotional pain. For some reason, he never understood this actually, but the physical pain he inflicted on himself took a little of the over bearing emotional pain away—eased it out of his system. Soul closed his eyes, absorbing the pain he felt and could feel himself release a breath he didn't know he was holding. He felt blood slowly moving down his leg, probably dripping onto the floor soundlessly. He felt… Calm. A weird word to describe the activities he is participating in right now, but true nonetheless.

'Hue hue. Mister Soul is a pain-loving freak, yes? What a monster.' Soul's eyes snapped open as he heard the voice, taking in a sharp intake of air. 'Oh? Had Soul-kun thought I would truly leave him alone? Not for the world! Fu~ I guess the filthy whore can't think either. The Demon laughed.

Soul couldn't take it this time. He cut one, two, three, four deep lines into his skin, feeling every little sharp prick the blade made—watched as it cut open his skin.

He deserves it. He deserves it. He deserves it. He's a whore. Used. Dirty. Disgusting. Ugly. Fat. Stupid. Worthless.

Soul cut three more slashes into his skin. He looked down at his leg, the sight actually being… Quite sickening, but with this sense of beauty—of accomplishment. Soul laughed hollowly as he felt tears falling from his dull orbs. "Beauty. I'm anything but that." His voice cracked and the laughter subsided to silent tears. 'At least Kid would be proud... I made eight cuts.'

He cried until he felt nothing, which probably took hours honestly. However soon enough, the tears stopped coming. Whether from dehydration or the loss of emotions, Soul did not know, but they stopped.

He sat there, staring at the wall blankly. Well that was until he heard the front door open from down stairs. Soul's eyes widened like saucers, eyes darting left to right in panic as he rushed through the bathroom supplies for the first aid kit Maka put somewhere. "Soul, I'm home! Are you in the bathroom? Hurry up! Remember, it's your turn to cook tonight!" Maka yelled from the front door of their newly bought house. It definitely wasn't as big as Kid's house, but it was still spacious.

Soul hurried and found the first aid kit and bandaged himself. Then he moved on to cleaning the blood spots on the tiled floor, getting the sponge he put behind the toilet to wash it all up before wringing it out. He rinsed off his razor and placed it back in its spot behind the toilet, making sure to tuck it under the mat. As he was exiting the bathroom, he put his jacket back on and made sure everything was in order. The room is clean; no evidence left behind.

As Soul left the bathroom completely, he took a deep breath, 'act cool', before shouting, "Yeah, I'm in the bathroom! Be down in a sec!" Soul walked down the stairs into the living room, seeing Maka in the closet putting away something. He rolled his eyes and continue to walk sluggishly to the kitchen since she was probably hungry after being out for so long. Knowing Maka, she probably didn't even eat lunch. 'You're such a hypocrite…' Yeah, that may be true but that didn't mean that he was wrong. "Maka?" Soul called out from the kitchen as he was trying to figure out what to make for dinner. He grabbed the blue apron that was bought for him and tied it around his waist like he normally does.

"What?" Maka answered back as she made her way from the living room to the door of the kitchen. She walked over to the island in the middle of the room and sat on one of the seats, looking at Soul's back expectantly. At the sound of Maka taking a seat behind him, he began to talk once more.

"What would you like for dinner?" Soul asked. It's not like he was actually going to eat any of it anyway… Soul waited for an answer and upon not receiving one, he turned around and leaned against the counter behind him. "What's taking you so lo-? Where did you go?!"

"Out here!" Maka shouted from the living room. She came running into the kitchen, receiving a sweat drop from Soul. "What?"

Soul sighed, "Never mind… So what do you want for dinner?" Soul asked once again. By now he was facing the cabinets, getting ready to grab the ingredients for what Maka wanted to eat. Maka gave him a confused look before a look of realization made its way across her face. Soul turned back around to observe Maka with a perplexed look. "You gonna answer?"

"Oh! About that… Umm, see…" She gave him a nervous glance, for what, Soul hadn't a clue. "I have a date tonight with this really sweet guy," Maka walked around the island over to Soul, "so you're going to have to cook dinner for yourself. I'm sooo sorry! I should have said something earlier, but it kind of slipped my mind, you know?" Maka scratched the back of her neck, giving Soul an awkward smile. 'Oh, well that makes sense…'

"Don't worry about it!" Soul made a swishing gesture with his hands, letting Maka know that it was truly fine. Although it did hurt him that she hadn't bothered to tell him that she was dating men now. He stood up straight and walked over to the fridge to 'look' for food. Maka, noticing the time, gasped.

"He'll be here any minute! I need to hurry and get ready!" Maka exclaimed as she literally ran out of the kitchen, up the stairs and into her room, which she slammed shut in her haste. Soul rolled his eyes, 'when will she ever learn?' He smiled to himself, 'never, of course.' Shaking his head with a smile, Soul closed the fridge door and walked out to the living room to watch some T.V.

"Hey, Soul?" Maka called while walking down the stairs that lead to the front door and the beginning of the living room. She stumbled over to him, 'damn these heels!' Maka thought with distaste. "Hey, Soul? You awake?" As she made her way closer to him, slowly at that, she noticed that he was, in fact, asleep. She sighed, what was she going to do with him? "Hey, Soul? You're going to get sick if you sleep out here dummy." When she didn't receive a response, she decided to shake him awake. After a couple of hard, yet somewhat gentle, shoves, Soul finally woke up.

"Wha-?" Soul blinked up at her like an owl. He began rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and groaned. "Shouldn't you be on your date by now?" Soul shifted from his position on the couch to sit up. Once he was sitting, he stretched at far as his body would let him. When a loud pop was heard, which Maka grimaced at, Soul sighed, satisfied with the relief of tension in his shoulder.

"No, he said that he'll be here a little late." Maka looked a little irritated, "lots of traffic I guess… But enough of that. You still haven't eaten yet, now have you?" Maka's right foot started to tap the floor lightly, showing how aggravated she was. She was beginning to wonder if Soul ever ate because it certainly didn't seem like it. Soul just looked at her blankly.

"Okay?"

"Ugh… Just eat something before I leave please. You're getting way too skinny." Maka took ahold of one of Soul's hands and commenced with dragging him to the kitchen for a meal. She shoved him into one of the island seats and set off cooking some soup. "I hope you like chicken noodle soup Soul!" Maka chirped in delight.

"Please stop, you're way too happy."

"Oh shush. Just a little longer and it'll be done!" Maka swayed as she cooked the meal for her partner. Steam arose from the pot holding the now hot soup. Maka smelled the soup and exclaimed loudly how Soul would enjoy it; it was, after all, the soup that Soul enjoyed the most. Well, that's what she thought at least.

"Yay…" Soul exclaimed weakly, looking paler than usual. 'This isn't gonna go well…' Maka placed a bowl of the soup in front of Soul's nose, hoping to entice him to eat. As she sat it down, the bell rang.

"I think that's him!" Maka said before shouting, "Be there in a second!" towards the door. She swirled around back to Soul. "So… How do I look?" Soul examined her, eyes roaming her petite frame. She was wearing a light green dress with white frills around the edges, a dress that Liz and Tsubaki bought for her about a week ago. The color itself made Maka's eyes pop, especially with the light amount of make-up she was wearing. Her hair, no longer in its usual pigtails, was cured at the ends and wavy near her roots. Over all, she looked utterly beautiful.

"Gorgeous, now don't keep the lucky man waiting." Soul jumped out of his seat and drove Maka through the kitchen, through the dining room and living room, to the front door.

"Calm down, would you?! Death, you're way too excited for me to leave than I thought you would be…" Maka nonetheless smiled at her weapon. She sighed, raising her hands in defeat, a smile ghosting on her lips. "Fine, fine. You're getting your way for once! I'll get out of your hair." Maka turned her head towards her partner once her hand was on the doorknob, "Remember to eat, okay? It's not heal-"

"Yeah, yeah... I know, not healthy." Soul said with a roll of his eyes. "Now leave before the guy leaves ya for dirt." Maka huffed, but didn't comment.

"Bye!"

"Bye." Soul waved as she walked out the door into the capable hands of the man in front of him. "You better be good to her!" Soul yelled at the two as they reached the guy's car. Maka waved for the last time before the two sped off to their date. Soul took a deep breath as he closed the door, 'Death is she growing up quick. To think she was once Miss. Little Tiny Tits…' Soul smiled to himself at the memory of her getting pissed off whenever he would call her that hated nickname. Soul sighed, the smile leaving his face. It may sound cliché, but he missed the old days…

Soul walked to the kitchen, taking in the fact that he probably wasn't going to eat the soup Maka made for him. How could he? There are plenty of other people who needed food more than a worthless being like him. Soul shook the thought out of his head, deciding to clean out the bowl, wash it and then put away the rest of the soup that was made. As he finished washing the dish and putting away his 'meal,' Soul felt exhausted. 'Must have been from earlier…' He walked out of the kitchen, through the dining room and living room, and hiked up the stairs to where his room was. He strode down the hallway and turned right, opening his door. He stumbled over to his bed, too tired and lazy to walk properly. Once he was in bed, he pulled the covers up to his chin and drifted off into the deep, dark abyss that was his mind.

'P-Please stop!' SLAM!

'Now why would I do that?' The man laughed.

'Please s-stop! P-Please!' The boy began to cry and whimper, 'p-please! I-It hurts!'

More laughter was heard. 'Like I would care. 's not like you'll be able to stop me anyway…' The man thrusted forward.

'Please-!'

*Author Notes*

(1) Soul decided to cut himself with a razor rather than using his weapon powers. The one time he used his weapon powers it actually put him in a lot more pain than what he was expecting. He only did this once.

Thanks for reading, I hoped you enjoyed the first chapter! To let everyone know, I took inspiration from the story Sharp Secrets, so my story so far may be similar. But don't worry, I'm not copying that wonderful fan fiction and calling it my own. My plot is quite different from the fan fiction and I'm going to keep it that way. Thanks again~ ^^