A/N: Saw Warrior. Loved it. Don't own it or anything involved with it.
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"For all men tragically great are made so through a certain morbidness... all mortal greatness is but disease."- Herman Melville, Moby Dick
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In 1979 Paddy Conlon meets Beverly Riordan in a diner.
That's when this all starts.
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He doesn't really know how the drinking starts.
(Lie. He knows. Times get tough and the extra beer after dinner turns into a whole six pack and a simple shove during a fight becomes the love of his life curled up on the floor with blood coming out her nose. God, he's so sorry, Bev. She deserves better. The boys deserves better. He's fucking pathetic. He can't even look in the mirror any more because he hates the reflection. He's weak and she knows it. They know it. Fuck them, he's not weak. He'll show them just how weak he is.)
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When he is in kindergarten, Tommy's teacher gives them a piece of paper with several puzzle drawn on it. She tells them, "Your family is like a puzzle. There are different pieces with different colors or pictures, but they all connect to make a big, happy family."
Tommy scrawls out Mommy, Pop, Brendan, and Tommy on four of the pieces and colors them in. That's his family. They all fit together to make a picture. They're the puzzle.
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Sometimes the fighting gets really loud, so loud it seems to shake the house, and Brendan is still surprised it hasn't caved in yet.
He may be nine, but he isn't stupid: he knows what his father is doing to Mom and he knows that it's wrong. But Brendan isn't strong enough to protect her yet, only Tommy. He curls himself around his little brother, tightening his grip.
"Brendan?"
"Yeah?"
"Why is Pop hitting Mom?"
"I don't know, Tom, go to sleep."
There's a minute of silence between them, then-
"Brendan?"
"What?"
"He won't hit us, will he?"
"I won't let him. Don't worry, just sleep."
"Brendan."
"Tommy, I-"
"Would you hit me?"
"No. Never."
"Promise?"
"Promise. Shh, go to sleep."
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Pop like Greek legends and wrestling. Fortunately, so does Tommy.
He wins his first match and the whole family goes to get ice cream.
He wins his second and his third and loses his fourth. Pop takes him out to the parking lot and beats the living shit out of him. He is ten years old.
(Dad leaves the puzzle after that. But there are two other pieces still, so Tommy is okay. It's just him and Brendan and Mom, the unit, and they are the only people in the world that matter.)
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Tess first sees Brendan Conlon when she's fifteen and he's sixteen. He's a beefy football player who manages to pull straight As. When they meet up at a party, he gets into a fight, wins, and spends the next half hour talking about Stephen Hawking. She's hooked.
They have dinner with Mrs. Conlon and Tommy, his little brother. They go to Ritter's and it's not as awkward as she thought it would be. Brendan's mom seems to be really nice and his little brother is very quiet. Brendan tells her it's nothing personal, he doesn't talk much, but she swears he was glaring at her from across the booth.
The first time they have sex, she learns that his dad has been beating him up for years. He doesn't care, but she doesn't know if she can fix a boy who's so broken.
He kisses her and her doubt ebbs.
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They have a plan. Their bags are packed. The three of them are going to leave while Paddy's at work.
He stays with Tess the night before they're supposed to leave. They go see a movie and get dinner and she tells her she thinks she's pregnant on the ride home. He isn't mad, he's happy. He loves this girl, adores her, and he wants a family with her. After they pull over to hug, he finds a phone booth and calls his mom. "I might want to stay."
Nothing.
"I love her, Ma. I don't want to live without her."
"Is she worth it?"
Brendan looks over his shoulder at the girl in question, who is currently leaning against his car as snow falls (She'll lose the baby after she falls down some stairs. They'll bury him next to her sister on a February morning). "Yeah."
His mom takes a deep breath. "Okay. Take the night to think about it. We'll wait in the parking lot and if you ain't there by four, we'll leave without you."
"Okay."
"I love you, Brendan. I always have and I always will. Remember that."
(These are the last words she'll ever say to him.)
"I will. You too."
(Vise versa.)
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They wait in the Factory parking lot for an hour. Two. When the clock hits five, Mom starts crying and turns the key.
(And three pieces become two.)
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The first night is the worst. Pop drinks himself into a rage and pulls all of the pictures off the wall. He throws Brendan into the wall and cracks his ribs and collapses onto the floor, crying for Bev.
It's pathetic and Brendan doubts him for the first time.
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The house is a piece of shit with poor lighting and a musky smell, but the two of them are together. Some nights they sit together on her bed, watching bad movies and eating ice cream. Other nights they go to the community center and he pounds on a bag while she swims. It's not a fancy life, but no one is hitting them everyday.
He does okay in school, makes lots of Bs. Every report card goes on the fridge next to the pictures of Brendan and his grandparents. The crucifix hangs on the wall next to the stove and she's constantly praying. Praying for them, for Brendan, for Pop. He asks her, "Why do you pray for the man who beat you and the son who stayed with him?"
"I love them, Tommy. Even your father. Someday you'll understand."
(Sixteen years later, he'll be holding his wife and new son and he cannot fathom how he could stop loving them.)
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He misses Bev. So bad.
He blocks out Brendan, he blocks out Tommy, he blocks out life.
He hates them, he hates her, but he doesn't.
Time goes by. Brendan leaves. He's all alone.
Good. He ruins everything he touches.
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He puts himself through school by fighting and Tess's tips. He doesn't want to take them, but she practically forces them into his hands. It isn't much, but it's enough.
He hates it. The first time he goes to the restaurant, Brendan watches three guys grab her ass. He hovers over her the rest of the night and asks her to marry him a week later. They get married in September under the changing leaves. His father is not invited.
He wishes he could find them, tell them how happy he was with Tess. Mom would be overjoyed and Tommy would have sat there, silent but happy for his brother.
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She gets sicker and sicker every week, he can tell. She starts throwing up a lot and her joints get so sore she can't walk. Most nights are spent in bed with a cup of tea and Friends. Once they even got into their bathing suits and sat in the tub together so he could hold her up. They only seperate to go to school or to work, but soon she can't leave the house, she's in so much pain. He makes enough to pull rent, just barely, and he starts making more once graduation comes and goes.
The last night is the worst. It's cold and she is wracking with spasms and coughing up blood. Everytime suggests going to the hospital, she refuses to go. So he wraps her up in his arms and blankets, and they just wait.
She dies around one in the morning on December 17th, in a shoebox in Tahoma.
(And the puzzle becomes a single, angry piece.)
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The fights are getting worse and worse. Both of Brendan's eyes are swollen and his back is red from hitting the floor so much. Tess leans against the doorframe and watches her husband wash his face with cold water. They've been hopping from one cheap motel to
another, trying to raise enough money for a teaching license. Their eyes connect in the murky mirror. "I'm pregnant."
He stands bent over the sink for a few beats, and then turns around to drop to his knees in front of her, like she's a shrine and needs to be worshipped.
Fighting may be in his blood, but she's in his bones.
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"I'm telling you, Paddy, you gotta find that bitch," Don Walowitz says, taking a swig of his beer. "I tell you what, my brother-in-law, he knows this guy in Philly. Give him two weeks, he'll find your lady and kid."
"I dunno."
"Trust me. Here's his number."
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His father shows up to Emily's first birthday wasted. He's just handed off his daughter to her uncle when Tess shows up behind him. "Your dad's here."
Brendan storms across the street in a rage. He's slumped over the steering wheel, his clothes rumpled and eyes bleary. "You stupid sunovabitch! It is my daughter's birthday and you show up drunk, you fucker! Get the hell away from me and my family!"
"Brendan! I-I found 'em. I found Tommy. And your mother," Paddy slurs as he tries to sit up straight. "Tommy is a-a Marine. Joined 'bout seven years ago, on his second tour. God, he's all grown up."
"What?" Brendan pulls back like he's just seen something disgusting. "What are you talking about?"
"I hired a guy, a friend of Donny's, and he found 'em. They were in fuckin' Tahoma. Tahoma. Went to the whole other side of the country to get away from us," his father says, wiping his nose on his jacket. Brendan feels his anger rush back.
"No, they left to get away from you, you abusive fuck head. Go to hell."
"Your mother's dead. Died back in '01. Tommy had her buried out there. She should- she should be here, she belongs here."
Through the haze, Brendan can remember saying, "Get your shit together, Paddy," before he goes back inside and locks the door.
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Tommy doesn't know how long he sat there with Manny's body, but when one of the medics tried to pry him from his arms, he lashes out and almost takes the man's head off. Manny is his brother, was his brother, he won't leave him. They give him medicine for the pain; he steals three more bottles.
They let him talk to Pillar on the phone and they cry together. He promises to take care of her and the kids. He doesn't say anything else for a week.
A person can only take so much pain and so much loss before they start getting angry. And not the kind of anger that leaves after you yell a bit. It's a deep, dark anger and you can feel it in your bones. It's the kind of anger that doesn't accept apologies and can only be cured by hurting the people that hurt you (Only it doesn't, it just feeds the anger, makes it stronger, lets it take control).
Time passes. Anger keeps growing. People stop understanding.
(And the angry, little piece stops putting up with it.)
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The night Tommy comes back home, a member of Paddy's group falls of the bandwagon. As the man sobs into his hands, the young woman next to him says, "We have to fall sometimes. It reminds us how to get back up."
Paddy fiddles with his cross and thinks of Ahab.
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Tess sits in the back of the auditorium during the school board meeting. Afterwards, she sits in her van and cries.
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He finds an extra bottle of pills in his bag three days before Sparta. He puts them on the bedside table and lies down. He could take a
few just to piss the old man off; he's been riding Tommy's ass for the past two months and that shit's getting annoying.
(The devil you know.)
Tommy shakes the bottle a little. She'd be so fucking mad if she knew what he was doing. The fighting, the drugs, the hate.
(He used to get so mad sometimes he would shake, and she'd wrap him up in her arms until the shivers stop. Where is she now?)
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He and Frank are sitting in the hotel room, reading the programs when the story airs. The young man reminds him of one of his students. He calls his father for the first time since he moved out.
The Tommy he finds on the beach is so old, so broken, so mad. Brendan knows it's silly, but some part of him was hoping to the find the fourteen year old boy who left him. Instead he finds a man almost crippled with anger, who wants to hurt him with sharp words and bitter memories.
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The vodka tastes bitter going down. He vaguely remembers someone shushing him.
God, stop the ship.
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When his superior is out of range, one of the officers asks, "Why'd you run?" The other one glares at him.
"My brother died."
"Aren't you fighting your brother?"
"He's not my brother. He's just some guy, you know? My real brother's dead."
The superior returns, and they sit in the locker room, listening to the shower drip.
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He feels the shoulder pop under his body and his brother screams. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus.
He isn't scared when Tommy wraps his hand around his throat. Your mind gets blurry in the fight, emotion takes over, you lash out. Tommy fights hard and angry, and Brendan knows he's the source of the rage. When they drag his brother away from him, he panics.
He thinks he was screaming his name, he's not sure. Please, Tommy, stop.
He looks over Frank's shoulder at his little brother. Tommy's curled in on himself, gripping the cage. Crying. Let this end. Please.
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He watches his sons hit the floor.
Stop the ship, Ahab. Stop the ship.
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"I love you, Tommy!"
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"Would you hit me?"
"No. Never."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
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He feels his brother cradeling him in his arms, holding his face, whispering nothings. Tommy folds inwards as he stands up, Brendan's arms around him. His brother presses his forehead to his temple as they walk out of the ring and into the crowd.
(And the puzzle is complete.)
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"And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in."- Haruki Murakami
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Fin