No flames, please. All this is is an experiment.

Futile Wishes

(The Illustrious Crackpot)

"AHAH! Clam, you haff joost crossed de line into my domain! Prepare to face de wrath uff de great pirate Rajjyrossa!"

"Not Clam! CLAMMYBEARD! Not afraid of wrath! (...'Cept of grapes.)"

"NEVER MIND! Here I come, Clammybeard! Ahahahahahaaaa!"

"NOT SO FAST, RAJJYROSSA! AND YOU, CLAMMYBEARD! YOU'RE BOTH UNDER ARREST BY DECREE OF SIR FRANCIS LAZLO OF HIS MAJESTY'S ARMY!"

"Oh NO! We are DOOMEDED, Clammybeard!"

"FIGHT BACK! FIGHT BACK!"

Clam launched himself at Lazlo, tackling him playfully to the ground. Raj dogpiled on top of the tussling pair, all three of them whacking ecstatically at each other with twigs they'd found on the ground somewhere. They all giggled, not even noticing my presence.

But that was what I was going for, trying to stay concealed behind a cabin while they rolled around in the dirt nearby. I didn't want them to see me. I just...I was satisfied just watching them.

Watching him.

I couldn't just go out there and talk to him. I wouldn't know what to say. How to act. And...even if I did know, doing it would mean a betrayal.

I couldn't do it. All I could do was watch.

That is, until the trio happened to tumble in my direction, and I accidentally let out a small squeak. The tussle stopped. I tried to duck back behind the cabin and make a run for it, but I was frozen to the spot. Then it was too late anyways, and the three of them stood up, brushing off their black pants and looking in my direction.

"Oh, hey!" Lazlo beamed, waving at me. My stomach tightened and I felt my mouth go dry. "We're just playing 'Marauding Pirate Rivals'. Wanna join in?"

"S-s-sorry, b-but no thanks," I stammered, trying as best as I could to pull off a grin. I was sure it looked lopsided, as Raj frowned at me.

"Why were you watching us?" he demanded, crossing his arms skeptically. "You were hanging out behind dat cabin dere, weren't you?"

"Super spy," Clam added in his dull monotone.

I gulped, sweating furiously and trying to think up an excuse—all while trying my hardest not to look at Lazlo, who was still smiling that bright grin of his. "Oh, uh, OH! Um, sorry about that, I was, heh, um, just waiting for a good opportunity to talk to you, uh, I d-didn't want to interrupt your game or anything..."

Raj snorted, buying it but still seeming suspicious. Clam...well, I'd never really been able to figure out Clam, he just had that blank look on his face. And Lazlo...Lazlo had never doubted me for a moment.

Oh stupidity, stupid stupid stupid...

Lazlo waved the matter aside inconsequentially, like he was swatting a fly. "Ah, we c'n get back to 'Marauding Pirate Rivals' in a minute." His smile's so radiant, his tail curling so delicately in the air, his eyes so wide and innocent... "You said you wanted to talk about something, right?"

I struggled desperately to keep myself under control, knowing how forbidden my thoughts were. "Oh, um, yeah, that." Sweat cascading down the back of my neck, I tried to flash another nice smile. Lazlo returned it again, cocking his head to the side curiously. Darn that smile, darn the way his lips curl up that way, darn the way it makes me want to swoon... "Well, um, there's this one thing, that, that..."

As long as I tried to delay it, it was inevitable. I had to use that same old line, the one that had first given me those thoughts, the one that I needed to remind me why I couldn't have those thoughts.

"Patsy," I finally stated, trying my best to keep a strong voice while looking at Lazlo even though I'd've rather stared at my feet and mumbled. "She wanted me to tell you that she likes you."

Lazlo opened his mouth to say something, but Raj cut in indignantly. "AGAIN?! She's sent dis message every day for de past WEEK! Arrrgh, dat ANNOYING girl!"

"She's not annoying," Lazlo protested, his expression a gentle frown. "She's nice! And I like her too!"

My stomach dropped like a stone.

"Nonononononononono!!!" Raj shook his head violently from side to side, trunk flapping about. "Lazlo," he explained patiently, putting his hands on his friend's shoulders—oh how I wish I could make that contact, to touch him just once, to do more than just look and talk—"Lazlo, I haff said dis before. Patsy does noot mean DAT 'like'."

Clam nodded, standing by Raj. "Like-like."

Lazlo shrugged off Raj's hands, laughing airily. "Come on, guys! Don't be silly. Why would Patsy 'like-like' me? We're FRIENDS!"

My heart jumped again, choking up my throat with hope. But I squashed it down, trying my hardest to keep from hoping, to stop doing this, to just knock it all off.

Oh god, why did Lazlo have to look so cute when he smiled?

"I can understand why she would like-like you," I suddenly blurted out, unable to stop myself.

All three of them turned to me, curious and, in Raj's case, distrustful.

"Whyzzat?" Lazlo asked, raising one eyebrow.

Oh, you've done it now, you IDIOT, you MORON, you STUPID excuse for a living creature...

"B-b-because...because everybody likes you!" I'm jabbering meaninglessly, jaw working and words coming out, but without any real thoughts behind them. "Not everyone like-likes you, of course, but everyone likes you, and if someone likes you, then that's just a—just a hop, skip and jump to like-liking you!"

Then, truly daring: "I-in fact...I wouldn't be surprised if there was someone who like-liked you."

There was a small silence, then Lazlo's smile broke out again. Always with that smile, that stupid smile that I love, that stupid smile that's getting me deeper and deeper into this horrible mess... "OH!" Lazlo cried, smacking his forehead playfully. "Now I get it! Thanks!" He continued to beam up at me, making me perspire with all the things I hadn't done and could never do. And then the smile wavered. "Hey...what does 'like-like' MEAN anyways?..."

Now I knew my face was starting to burn red, and I stammered out some incomprehensible excuse before spinning around and bolting, leaving Raj behind to explain what he probably thought of as "the facts of life". And I kept running, running straight into the woods, up every worn-out trail I could find, not even knowing where I was headed or where I'd stop until my legs gave out beneath me and I sank to the forest floor, face in my hands.

Why did I have to like him? Why? Why?

I was sobbing now, my face a mess as the tears cascaded down my cheeks. It wasn't fair. I didn't want to like him. Not in that way. I couldn't like him that way.

But every day I'd gone there, gone to watch him, to try and be close to him. Hoping upon hope that one day he'd touch me, that he'd like me. Hoping for the impossible.

I couldn't love him.

Because it was supposed to be Patsy. That was how life was supposed to go. She'd been crushing on him from the moment they'd first met, not me. She'd been there first, not me. He was supposed to be Patsy's, not mine.

I could never be touched, liked by him. As hard as I tried even to be his friend, even to play out that agonizing façade, all I could ever do was watch him from afar. Never get close enough to be touched, never get close enough to be liked. Because that was the way things were supposed to be. You didn't cross your friends that way.

I let out another wild, choking sob.

Nina Neckerly, why do you have to be like this?