Running has been all I've been doing for the last couple of years.
Running from my fears.
Running from my contradictions.
Running from family. Friends. Enemies...and my life.
I've been running away from everything I've done and from everyone I know, and, in the end...I've always been left alone.
I know it's my own fault that I've drawn up this situation in the first place but I can't help but have this selfish thought of wanting someone to...
To come after me.
To force me to stay and to scold me for my cowardice.
To hold me and to tell me that I'll never be let go of because...
Because I'm not worthless?
Or maybe it's because I'm not that kind of person that should be held by her own griefs and sorrows, to delve deeper into the wells of despair and self-contempt to wallow in misery.
And that person...it has to be someone that wants me.
That needs me.
That someone has to have something for me, has to convince me that I'm something much more than what my father tells me everyday, what my cousin used to tell me, every single second I came into presence.
That I'm not a failure and that I'm not some wasted piece of life that had to descend upon this Earth at their time of need.
That I'm not the answer to all their pain and not their faith.
Their faith of having a ruler worthy of the family's title in both name and grace.
But it's useless to think this way since what they say is the truth.
Who in their right minds would want someone as pathetic as me?
A failure. An embarrassment and a complete waste of their precious time.
From the beatings I get from my father, both verbal but mostly physical. it's more than enough evidence that I'm not worthy to be his daughter.
To be the next-in-line inheriting the title of Hyuuga Ruler of the highly noble acclaimed family.
"Then why not disappear from our sights? You disgusting worthless trash! You do not even know what extents we have gone through to try and make you even presentable to your father. And you see how you repay us?"
Her lady-in-waiting had slapped me then before continuing, everyone was granted power to distribute their fair share of beatings when punishment was deemed worthy, I got that alot actually.
"You stutter like a pig and flounder with that stupid mouth of yours that no ONE can understand! You're a complete mess and to think, that YOU, a little tiny cockroach, are to be next-in-line to rule this NOBLE FAMILY?" she all but yelled the last two words.
The image of her and her yelling was normal in the House of the Hyuuga compund as I got scolded by everyone about everything, from my birth to my lack of communication.
Her last words were uttered before someone came to grab me and push me into a beating, it was none other than Negi-neesan.
"The world must be coming to a complete disaster if they think to let this insolent girl rule this family."
Negi.
The image of his stormy grey-filled eyes seem to never leave me, add to the fact that he was the one who mostly carried out my beatings.
The blood he spilled.
The bruises he blossomed.
The long painful gashes of scars he'd inflict on me.
It's all so very clear yet it hasn't been done to me as much as it has now.
His beatings, I realised, were acts of mercy.
It can never be compared to the beatings I receive from those who have taken it amongst themselves to continue out his work, ever since he last disappeared six years ago.
Everything has become much worse, the beatings I mean, I recieve beatings from various tools in the house. You'd be amaze to know what a metallic spatula can really do to you, or even a simple iron.
Walking through the enclosing bushes kinda reminds me of a dream I once had.
About my mother.
The only person to have loved me.
Yet she was the only one to have left me...for death.
Ever since I was born I was already branded a disgrace as I was not male. It caused many arguements and hardships, but secretly, my dear loving mother was glad.
For her wishes were answered and granted upon her before she died leaving a five year old child to defend herself by the beatings she started to recieve.
Not only was I branded a disgrace but also a murderer, due to mother's death, everyone pointed me the killer since I was always causing my mother more injury than praise.
She had a weak and fragile body and was easily fallen sick much too many of a time. I was a child who was painstakingly obviously under her care, even when the Elders suggested otherwise my mother never gave me up to be in a strange woman's care.
They accepted and respected her wishes even if they all held a grudge.
Not against her but me.
They loved my mother.
Everyone did.
Just not me.
The mistake of "their lifetime" or so says my drunkard of a father when everyone came back from seeing mother's dead body laid out on a hospital bed.
She was so pale...so cold.
And hard.
Her colour already drained from her pink flush of life that always claimed her flawless features on her beautiful and warm face.
I miss her...so much.
Even if I don't remember that much of her.
Only her smile and hugs seem to stay with me, along with her lovely face.
The warmth that was always there...waiting for me.
Tears flow again.
I hate my life.
I'm just glad that everyone else hates it aswell.
The thorns break into me and I don't bother letting go of the vines they grow on, the pain just numbs me into oblivion making me forget about my life, even when it stops me and the feel of something wet makes it's way down my fisted palms I still don't let go.
4...8...15
15 minutes pass as I stand lost in the forgotten bushes, eyes closed, as the image of running blood sears my minds eye. The blood trickles down into and out of my fisted palms as I sway with dizzyness.
Everywhere I went I was always...alone.
No one ever wanted to be with the weird girl who had her face glued to the floor half the time they saw saw.
Teacher snickered and picked on me because they thought that I was a snobby little girl who thought them rubbish.
They blamed me for their lives...just because I'm rich.
Other students just avoided me like a plague because...it was me.
I was either nothing or something, but, that something always had to make me end up flushed face-first in the toilet or bashed up by razor sharp and stylised nails.
My life - basically - was in ruins.
So now that I'm having bleeding hands and dirt smeared all over my face, I decide to just stay here and prolong my awaited presence in the Hyuuga Compound Estate.
Where I'll be greeted, no doubt, by punches, beatings and more beatings...
Opening my eyes I let go of the thorns that pierced my bloody hands and walk slowly to...home