"Merry Christmas," I whispered as I raised my glass in the air.
For a moment, just one second I really thought someone would reply. Whether it be Rose's cheery "Happy Christmas Doctor!" or Martha's excited questioning of which planet does Christmas best, followed by her pleading that we visit it, or perhaps Donna's joking "Oh shut up and help me find the crackers!", or even Rory and Amy's echoing singing of terrible Christmas songs that humans love to hate, or maybe River's whispered "Merry Christmas Sweetie".
But nothing came, silence falls as I only knew it would. And once again I was alone, at Christmas.
I only had myself to blame, though, it didn't have to be that way. I could've had everything: all my friends around me, my wife, her parents, the perfect Christmas. But once again I've ruined everything for myself and for everyone I get close to. Everything I touch turns to stone.
Unable to stand the chilling silence of my TARDIS, the cold, empty reminder of every friend I've ever lost, who's ever left, I put my glass down, flicked a few switches and soon the familiar, comforting whurr was all I could hear. Even that, though, wasn't enough to mute the ache in my heart.
In my mind I'd decided that I'd never return to earth, I could not, would not draw one single more human into the trap of my life, I just couldn't do it, it's not fair on them and it's never fair on me. Though I'd promised myself I wouldn't, that didn't mean my TARDIS would comply.
That's how I ended up in Leadworth in 2002, standing outside the park where teenage Amelia, Rory and Melody Pond were happily playing together, blissfully unaware, for the most part, of what the future would hold for the three of them.
"Rory! Rory look how high I'm going! Bet I can swing higher than you Mel!" cried Amy as she swung back and forth, higher and higher on a squeaking swing. Her crimson hair flowed in her wake as I watched and I could see Rory sat beside her, staring in wonder at the woman who would one day be his wife.
"Amy be careful, you'll fall. Mel! Don't do that, you'll break it!" fretted Rory as he perched on the end of a see-saw next to their swing, now and again reaching out as though he thought one of them would fall at any moment.
"Shut up Rory, you can't tell me what to do, you're not my dad!" knowingly trilled Melody as she continued to defy Rory's words, laughing at the irony of her own sentiment, the irony that her companions could not understand for so long.
"Come on Rory, don't be such a spoil sport, join in!" Amy told him as she jumped from her own swing, gracefully flying through the air and landing lithely by Rory, whom she gave a playful nudge towards the swing.
Tentatively but as was second nature to him, Rory did as Amy said, sliding cautiously onto the vacant swing, allowing her to push him backwards and forwards. As they swung their faces beamed from ear to ear and the sound of their laughter filled the streets. I couldn't watch anymore.
I couldn't stand there and watch them be together, so content, so ignorant of what was in store for them. It broke both my hearts and made me feel guiltier than anything ever because Rory and Amy never knowingly saw their daughter grow up and River, River never got to say goodbye.
Why did I ever allow myself to let that little girl make her way into my hearts?
Before it became too much I turned my back on the Ponds for the last time and stepped back inside my TARDIS, alone once more. The doors clicked shut and I slid to the ground, my uncontrollable sobs shook me back and forth and it felt like I'd never be able to stop. Back and forth, back and forth I rocked myself in attempt to stop the reverberations shaking my body. Thoughts filled my aching mind, stabbing me in the gut with each one: Rose, her pained face when I left her that day at Bad Wolf Bay; Mickey Smith, Mickey who loved Rose Tyler with all his heart, Mickey from whom I took the love of his life to far off planets and changed her beyond reverse; Martha, lovely Martha, leaving me to be with my family whom I continued to put in perilous danger just by knowing them; Donna, brilliant, brave Donna Noble, the woman who saved the world time and time again but who'll never know how important she really is; Amelia Pond, The Girl Who Waited, all those years she waited for the man who turned her life upside down, the girl I'll never see again, the girl I inadvertently trapped in a foreign land, in a time she never knew; Rory Williams, The Last Centurion, he who waited so much longer than Amy, the man older than me in so many ways, the ordinary nurse from Leadworth, wanting no more than an ordinary life with the girl he loved, getting no more than endless pain and suffering. And River. River Song, Melody Pond, The Child of The TARDIS, my wife; I destroyed her life from the very moment she was born, for what I did to her, to all of my friends, I will never forgive myself.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered into the darkness between broken sobs, desperate for someone to come and make everything better, for comfort.
"It's ok sweetie, I'm here," came the only voice I wanted to hear from beside me, her arms wrapped around me as she rocked me back and forth, calming me down, doing for me what I'd thought I'd been doing for myself, as usual.
"River," it came out as more of a sigh than a word, but she heard it nevertheless, heard the thousand apologies heaped in that one word. I didn't ask her where she'd come from, how she'd got there, where she'd been. Right then I didn't care about any of that, all that mattered was that she was there, with me, and she wasn't going anywhere.
She didn't answer me, she didn't need to, her answer came as she squeezed me tighter, reassuring me, and held me there, protecting me, steadying me, calming me. In that moment River Song was all that I had in the world, and all that I wanted.
"Merry Christmas, River," I whispered into her hair.
"Merry Christmas, sweetie," was her reply.