A/N: I told you Pitch Perfect would be the fandom I finally wrote more than one story for! I simultaneously agonized over this one and had a lot of fun writing it. It's rated T because in my head, Beca's internal monologue isn't exactly squeaky clean, so be forewarned: multiple F-bombs abound.
(Also the "harem" line is a reference to AGoodnight's wonderful collection of Jesse/Beca one-shots, Source Music, which I certainly hope you've read, because if you haven't, I don't know what you're doing here.)
Reviews are a metaphorical hug from Skylar Astin. Go forth and spread the love.
Disclaimer: Pitch Perfect is still not mine. Go figure.
When Beca finally realized that she was in love with Jesse, the first word out of her mouth was, "Motherfucker!"
"Damn right he's a motherf- wait, who are we talking about?"
Of course, the problem was that she wasn't on her own when it happened. She had been lying on the grass next to Fat Amy, totally absorbed in conversation until Jesse walked by.
Actually, no. He didn't even walk by. He was walking across the quad, and she only saw him at a distance and he still managed to throw off her train of thought. Beca Mitchell was not the type of girl who got so distracted by a guy that she couldn't finish her sentences, so how was it that he consistently managed to do this to her? When had she become this girl?
All it took was for her to catch a glimpse of Jesse, and suddenly nothing seemed more interesting than him- which was ridiculous, because they'd been dating for a year, so what could she possibly notice in his walk or his facial expressions that she hadn't seen before?
Just now he'd been walking to class with Benji and Kolio, talking about something that he was clearly excited about- he was miming something and laughing at a comment Benji made, and suddenly her brain turned on her. She had grinned and rolled her eyes, but unlike the usual "What a dork" or "Such a weirdo", the first thought that sprang to mind was "God, I love him."
And Beca was, to put it mildly, horrified.
It wasn't the prospect of being in love with Jesse that horrified her, though. She'd kind of known for a while; she was just trying to avoid thinking about it. But now? Now that she was just thinking it, like it was some forgone conclusion? She had no choice but to tell him. Because what if she didn't, and she accidentally let it slip in her sleep? Or while kissing him? Or in the middle of the class they had together on Thursday afternoons?
No, she couldn't risk it happening like that. She had to do it on her own terms.
Beca had been so caught up in her own thoughts that she hadn't noticed Fat Amy staring at her a little worriedly until just before she jumped up to leave. "I'm sorry, Amy, I just remembered that I have to be- you know, uh, somewhere. I'll see you at rehearsal, okay?"
Amy arched an eyebrow, but then shrugged and nodded. "Yeah, see you. I'll just stay here under the tree and work on my tan."
Beca only half-acknowledged the joke before practically sprinting to her dorm room, where she plunked down in a chair for about thirty seconds before getting up again and beginning to pace.
Fuckfuckfuck, shit, fuck.
This was not fucking good.
Well, not the 'being in love with Jesse' part. That part was, you know, amazing. It was the 'telling Jesse that she loved him' part that was making her pace.
She knew that a lot of people thought that she didn't appreciate Jesse enough. (Though 'people' in this case seemed to be entirely female and a little too interested in her boyfriend- who knew there was such a thing as an a cappella groupie?) But the fact was that Beca knew a great thing when she had it, and that's why she was freaking out. This was supposed to be a huge step for a couple. What if she didn't say it right? What if she said it at the wrong time? What if she couldn't bring herself to say it at all?
(And most importantly, the question that hung unspoken between all the others: what if she messed up and lost him because of it?)
"Holy shit, this is so pathetic," Beca groaned.
Two years ago, she would literally never have had this problem. She had always said that love was sort of a sham. Telling people you loved them was making a promise that you'd never leave, but people left anyway, didn't they? And Beca had always known that she had plans to leave, so proclamations of love had never really felt like the honest thing to say.
But this time, she couldn't see it as untrue. For once, she was actually happy where she was. She had no desire to leave. That lifelong yearning that she'd felt to get away from home and just run until she was as far away as possible? That wasn't around anymore. She was finally starting to wrap her head around the idea- she just had to work through it piece by piece.
She loved his voice. Not just the way he sang (although damn if his singing didn't make her pulse race every time she heard it), but the way he spoke, too- whether it was the 'sugar high three year old' tone he used when talking about movies or the reverent, soft voice he spoke in when she was lying next to him.
She loved the way he watched movies- totally focused on the screen, taking in every shot, line, and piece of score, but somehow still acutely aware of her reactions. He was always ready to explain a plot point when she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion or to pull her a little closer when she flinched at something (even when she insisted that she hadn't been scared at all; the damn mummy had just caught her by surprise.)
She loved the way he unapologetically geeked out over things, and the way that he kissed her, and the way that she fit kind of perfectly against his side. She loved how he could make her laugh even when she didn't want to, how his inner nerd appeared during exam season and made him a livewire of caffeine and nervous energy, how she somehow believed him when he murmured to her in the middle of the night that he wasn't ever going to leave.
She did love Jesse. Of course she did; she loved everything about him. It was stupidly sappy to think of it like that, but what Beca was starting to realize was that it was also all real. Something that she hadn't believed in for the longest time not only existed, but was actually within reach. Now it was just a matter of actually bucking up the courage to find him and tell-
Oh, crap.
There was a knock at her door, and before the person even spoke, she knew who it would be. Beca glared at the ceiling, like she was reprimanding whatever cosmic power had just sent her boyfriend this way. Her plan had been to tell him after she'd gotten her shit together, not when she was still an emotional clusterfuck.
"Hey, uh, Bec? Can I come in? I need somewhere to hide. Benji's trying to get me to test out some magic trick that involves fire and a live hamster, and he's got a sword."
Shitshitshit. How was she supposed to just hang out and banter with him when those three stupid words were the only things on her mind? Seriously, all he had done was speak a sentence or two and now her heart was thudding against her ribcage and her palms had gone sweaty, and oh, this was just not good.
Unfortunately, telepathically willing him to disappear wasn't particularly effective, since Jesse was still waiting by the door. He knocked again. "Beca?"
Well, fuck it, Beca told herself. If she was going to go out this way, she might as well get it over with. She ran a hand through her hair and crossed over to the door, throwing it open before she could lose her nerve.
"Hi," she said a little breathlessly. "Sorry; I sort of zoned out for a second. Come on in."
Jesse waved off her apology and stepped into the room, taking his usual perch on her bed and looking totally at ease while Beca envied his relaxed demeanor more than she ever had before. She couldn't bring herself to sit next to him on the bed like she usually did, though, so instead she sat in the nearest chair, tapping her foot nervously.
Jesse, who had been expecting her to take a seat next to him, looked somewhere between surprised and affronted that she'd chosen the chair instead. Beca would have found it nothing short of adorable had her mind not been totally preoccupied.
She was so preoccupied, in fact, that she wasn't saying a word- she just looked anxious and didn't keep her eyes on Jesse for more than a second at a time. He decided to test the waters by pretending this was normal and starting banter like he usually did.
"So did you finally take my advice and watch The Artist? Because I have to tell you, you've got the 'silent' part down, but your Jean Dujardin impression doesn't have nearly enough eyebrow-waggling to be believable."
Beca didn't respond- though in her defense, she didn't actually hear him- but instead continued to stare intently at a spot on the floor, still tapping her foot.
"Oh, come on, Bec, that at least deserved an eyeroll," Jesse said, but he decided to give it another shot. "Am I making you late for something, Beca? Or, oh gosh, are you waiting for someone? Is it a side boyfriend? It is, isn't it? I can't believe it; Kimmy Jin was right! This is a harem."
When she didn't respond to that either, he moved to crouch in front of her, tilting her chin up so she was looking at him and not the incredibly boring carpet. Beca snapped out of her reverie, glancing up at Jesse like she'd just remembered he was there.
She gave him a small smile. "Sorry, I've got a lot on my mind. I've just been-"
"Zoning out, yeah, I know," Jesse finished for her. "You know, you can tell me about it if you want to. I may seem like I never shut up, but my girlfriend says I'm an excellent listener."
Her smile got a little wider and Jesse congratulated himself, but Beca didn't elaborate on what was going through her head. She just shrugged and said, "It's not really a big deal. I'm just freaking out because I'm weird. You know us alternative kids- there are life lessons that we miss out on while we sulk in the shadows being artsy."
Jesse let out a chuckle, but he was still scrutinizing Beca, like the secret to her anxiety was written somewhere on her face and he just had to decipher it. (Well, that and Beca hadn't made eye contact with him since he'd come in, and he wanted to know if it was intentional. It was, and now he was starting to worry.)
He sighed. "Come on, Beca. Whatever it is, you've got to get it off your chest. Just tell me." And even though all the warning signs were there for 'serious conversation that will probably end at the same time as your relationship', he kept pushing. He'd been Beca's friend first, after all, and he just wanted to make sure she was okay.
"Jesse, I-" she broke off, shaking her head. "I don't even know how to do this."
Oh, shit. There it was, Jesse told himself. Those were the opening words of a girl about to dump her boyfriend. In a probably sadistic move, he encouraged Beca to continue. "The best way to deal with things like this is to just to tell the truth. People cope better that way."
Beca did vaguely wonder why he would need to cope with being loved, but she ignored the question in favor of steeling herself for her confession. She stood up, like somehow being upright was the answer to her dilemma.
Jesse followed suit, but he wasn't looking intently at her face anymore. His hands were shoved into his pockets and he seemed a little less enthusiastic than he had a few minutes ago.
Beca took a deep breath. "Okay, so you should know that I've never done this before. I don't- I didn't think I'd ever do anything like this in my life. But Jesse, I realized something today and I needed to tell you as soon as possible and-"
Jesse panicked and cut her off. "I know what you're going to say, Beca." So maybe he'd just told her to be honest, but he wasn't sure that he could take the honesty if it meant that the girl he loved was going to bluntly dump him. He probably should have noticed the surprise on Beca's face at his comment, but right now he was just focused on getting out of there.
"I get it. You think that things aren't working out and you want to break up," he said, staring at the floor and therefore missing the way that Beca's jaw dropped. "And that's totally your choice. I just- I actually think I should probably head back now."
He turned to head for the door, but Beca beat him to it and blocked his only way out. As she noted the pain and resignation on his face, she gave herself a sarcastic pat on the back for so royally fucking up. It took talent to make a guy think you were going to break up with him when you were trying to tell him you loved him. But now at least she knew she had to tell him.
She crossed her arms and slouched against the door, looking every bit the snarky Beca who he loved so much. "Okay, seriously? I'm going to need you to never assume that you know what I'm about to say again."
He looked down at her, curiousity replacing the hurt expression he'd been wearing. "And why is that?"
"Jesse, you idiot," Beca said, though it came out more affectionate than mocking. "I wasn't trying to break up with you."
The relief that Jesse felt was evident in his face and demeanor. He stood a little straighter, the spark was back in his eyes, and the teasing tone was back in his voice. "Then what exactly were you trying to say? Oh, God, wait, don't tell me- you have nodes and your singing career is aca-over?"
Beca snorted and rolled her eyes. "Nope, sorry. I'll still be around to crush you at Lincoln Center this year."
He grinned at that, and Beca knew that she'd at least fixed the damage that she'd done. She was silent for a moment. The plan was to gather her thoughts and finally tell him in a calm, 'I've totally got my shit together' way.
Apparently, her mouth had other ideas, because it went on autopilot a second later and she heard herself say, without any sort of preface or context or explanation, "I love you."
The effect was instantaneous. Jesse's eyes widened almost comically as he stammered, "I- you- what?"
"You heard me."
A smile lit up Jesse's face, and he stepped closer to Beca. "I'm sorry, just run that by me one more time?"
Beca took a step towards Jesse and punched him in the shoulder. "I said I love you, you dork."
"Oh," said Jesse, as he closed the distance between them, pulling her close and resting his forehead against hers. "Well, I guess that's good, because I love you, too."
Beca beamed and pulled Jesse down for a kiss, and things would have gone a lot further than that had Fat Amy's voice not suddenly filled the room.
"Beca, I know that you're busy being Treble-boned right now, but rehearsals started fifteen minutes ago. You've got five minutes to put your pants back on and get your arse to where it needs to be, or I will break down this door and unleash the kraken."
The couple simultaneously turned to look at the door, though Jesse seemed vaguely mortified while Beca just looked like she was trying not to laugh. She gave Jesse one last kiss before stepping out of his embrace. "I should go," she said. "Trust me when I say that Amy is not above breaking in."
Beca crossed over to the door and paused just before opening it, turning to face him again with a devilish grin on her face.
"So I guess I'll just have to take a rain check on that Treble-boning."
With that and a wink, she was gone.