A/N: This is for Gary the ceramic snail and Walter Cronkite, who I figure should have everything journalistic dedicated to him. This is unedited, probably, so don't kill me. Also this is the first time I've written SAS, I think.
Disclaimer: If I wrote Alex Rider, I wouldn't be writing this.
*
DE-NI-AL
-noun
an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc. is false
*
Alex thanked Ian, wherever he was, for supplying him with such a fantastic vocabulary.
Not really, though. Because while Ian may have given Al these super cool spy skills, what with all the free time he seemed to have, Ian didn't have time to further Alex's education, leaving it to Jack, who, at the best of times, left people wondering how she got into law school, or how she passed the vocab part of her SAT.
The reason for this wonderful thanking was the large F sitting on the desk in front of Alex, with a note from the teacher asking how any sixteen year old didn't know what "denial" meant.
Luckily for our dear friend, he wasn't any sixteen year old. He was a sixteen year old with super cool spy skills.
*
Snake hadn't ever been extraordinary on the front lines of battle, which was why he was K-Unit's medic. The only time he would be offered to venture outside the nursing tents was when the SAS was severely lacking in soldiers.
Snake was assigned medic for two reasons:
He was the only one in the barrack who knew that the tip of the sternum was on a human's chest, as opposed to what Fox's brain went to whenever the word "tip" was mentioned, and he accidentally shot himself in the ear with an airsoft rifle during a training exercise.
All of this has a point, I assure you.
As medic, Snake was privy to the latest gossip, what with colonels getting hurt all over the place. Lately, he'd been hearing a lot about a certain Alex Rider and how he kept needing the SAS to bust him out of tight situations. Wolf got a funny look in his eye when this Rider character was mentioned, but would never say why. Eagle conceded that he'd met the fellow and had gone senseless at the man's manliness.
Eagle had a policy. That policy was to never, ever be serious. (1)
Just then, a bloody, uniformed man was rushed in on a gurney. Setting his face in a grimace, Snake reminded himself that this was for queen and country and saving lives.
*
"Do try to be serious, will you?" the highly stereotyped (and perhaps she was supposed to be that way; she was, after all, with intelligence) therapist lady said.
"But I'm Alex," said boy replied with a grin. Harassing this woman forced upon him (get your mind out of the gutter, after all, mine almost is) was the most fun he'd had in weeks.
"Not the time. Now, do you know what denial means?" the woman, whose nametag said Hello, I'm Linda.
"Well, Hello I'm Linda, my English teacher doesn't think so, even though I rightly answered 'In the Nile River'. How about you go ahead and tell me if it has another definition?" On second thought, this was getting agitating. They'd been going at it for about an hour and HIL was frustrated.
"It means you don't accept what's in front of your face. Does that ring any bells for you?"
Alex sighed. Maybe if he faked something, he could go home and argue with Jack.
"Actually, yeah," he said in a low voice. "I think that when I'm on a mission, I, erm, well."
HIL, who looked hopeful, said, "Well?"
"'Mindenialboutdying."
"I definitely heard the words denial and dying. Would you care to say that slower so I can understand?"
Alex thanked his uncle for teaching him the power of an awesome lie. Really.
"I think when I'm on a mission, I'm in denial about, well, um. Dying."
"BREAKTHROUGH!" HIL shouted. "You can go now. I'll see you tomorrow at five."
Wherever she got her degree, thought Alex, must have been the same place Jack got her vocabulary.
*
"BS!" shouted Eagle. (2)
"Read 'em and weep," Fox grinned out. Eagle staggered, then collected the enormous pile of cards.
"You two need to find a better pastime for when we're off duty," Snake said.
"Shut up and let me sleep!" groaned Wolf.
"I don't think we should stay together next time we're off," Fox said.
"Which means that you need to get a girlfriend, Max, and get off our cases about unit togetherness. What are you, a camp counselor?" Eagle teased.
"Shut up and let me sleep!" Wolf repeated.
"Of course, if he found a girlfriend, you know he'd dump her within a week 'for the greater good,'" Snake pondered.
"Huh. Maybe he really does need us. Are you lonely, Maxie?" Fox said.
Wolf gave up on sleep. "No, I'm not lonely. You've all met Veronica."
"And you two are a cliché waiting to happen! The best friends falling in love. Your mum'll be pleased, that's for certain," Snake said.
"Shut up, the lot of you. It's two in the damn morning," Wolf said, clearly trying to restart his sleeping campaign. "And we're only friends."
That got the rest of his lovely roommates howling with laughter.
*
Damn MI6, he thought. Damn bloody Linda. They're all in it together, the bloody fucking bastards.
Alex's head had blood running from it, along with various other parts of his body. He reckoned he'd been beaten up to be weakened and because Schneider really, really didn't like him.
Honestly. Just because he'd insulted octopi, the man had to get himself in a tizzy and look up everything he could about the boy named Alan Runner, who did not, in fact, exist.
Alex Rider had thoughts on the alias Alan Runner, but Mrs. Jones wasn't keen on hearing them out.
He was, of course, in a cell, as he usually tended to be in these situations (which happened more often than he'd like). He had been for several hours and had woken up with the bloody fucking bastards bit on his tongue.
Noticing the man sitting on a chair outside his cell, Alex lifted up his middle finger.
"Now, now, Alex, that's no way to treat your host," Schneider said happily.
"Piss off," Alex said.
"Let's cut to the chase: I'm brilliant; you're going to die. I've got a special breed snail whose – "
"Slime is a burning thing that won't come off unless you've got the help of at least four other people, I got that already. I take it you've set aside some special snails just to kill me?"
"Yes!" Schneider said, delighted. "I'm so glad this went quickly! I suppose I won't be seeing you later. Have fun!" With that said, he motioned to two of his henchmen, who unlocked Alex's cell and grabbed one of Alex's arms each.
They handcuffed his hands behind the back of a chair – Real original, thought Alex – and then handcuffed his feet. This was somewhat original, and therefore gave Schneider brownie points.
Then the snails started creeping up.
*
"SNAKE! WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT USING YOUR GUN?" roared Wolf.
"Um... not to?" Snake cowered.
"BUT WHAT DID YOU DO? YOU USED YOUR GODDAMNED GUN. NOW WE CAN'T QUESTION THE GODDAMN GUY, YOU IDIOT."
"To be fair, it looked as if he was about to kill himself when he saw the two big guys standing outside the see through Plexiglas door die and smatter blood all about so that the Plexiglas was no longer see through," Fox mentioned.
"STILL!"
"Stop getting yourself in a tizzy and let's please find Alex Rider, the bastard, before he, hm, dies, eh?" Snake said, as he had gathered up some bravery.
"Before he has a chance to let off more steam – honestly, where do you store all of it? It must have precipitated by now, to have so much – let's go," Fox mentioned smartly.
"It's condensed," Wolf grumbled.
"That's even worse!"
*
Alex figured he should have enough burns to pass out anytime now, and it would be a relief.
Then, of course, just to ruin his passing out, his old unit came in rushing in to save the day. However, they had supplied Snake with a gun, so maybe all was lost, after all.
"Shoot the snails! The snails! The – for god's sake, get the snails off of me! No, don't let them crawl on – get them off! I dunno, kick them? I'm not a goddamned guru!" Alex said irritably.
Then, thankfully, an eighth snail slimed up him and there was enough pain for him to finally pass out.
*
It had taken a bit of time to kill all the snails that weren't on Rider and even more time to pull the snails off.
It was serious, and even Eagle looked sober.
While waiting outside the hospital room where they were giving Rider skin grafts, Snake decided to deck Wolf across the face.
"What was that for?" the punchee sputtered.
"You could have at least mentioned that Alex Rider and our unit member Cub are – is, whatever, I don't care, I failed English – the same person," Snake screeched.
"Why don't you hit Mike, too, then, because he sure as hell knew too!"
"Mike!"
"I'm just better at hiding it; I'm not in intelligence for nothing," Fox said calmly.
"You might've mentioned it, at least," Snake said.
Fox stared.
"Right. Moving on. Does Eagle know? Am I the only one who didn't know?"
"Of course I don't know," Eagle said happily. "Or I didn't, now that it's been mentioned. I didn't fail English."
"Fuck off."
*
He was happy, and then he woke up. Alex wasn't ever happy, so he was feeling somewhat bitter about the latter fact.
"Fuck all of you. Leave my room," he said venomously.
"Great to see you, too, Cub," Fox said.
"Right, well, thanks for getting me out of the situation, hope we never see each other again. Now will you fuck off and leave my room?"
"That'd be a no. We're wondering if you'd like to hang out and meet Wolf's soon-to-be girlfriend when you get out of the hospital," Snake said.
"No."
"Well, we're fucking off then. Have a nice life," Wolf stated, and then the entire group shuffled out of the room, leaving Alex to his pity party.
Instead of the usual I'm-in-a-hospital-because-my-life-sucks thoughts he usually had after waking up after a mission, he thought about denial.
He hadn't realized it at the time, but what he'd said to HIL about his denial of death was true. It kept him alive, it kept him good at what he did.
In all truth, Alex realized that he lived a life of denial, and everyone else did, too. They refused to see life through any other eyes but their own, which wasn't their fault, as they hadn't exactly had experience being in other peoples' heads (after all, they'd have to call on a fictional villain to hear about what that's like, and who wanted dear old Tom to come back alive?), but most of the world's population didn't even try.
However, Alex tried an inkling, so he was either an inkling more accepting or an inkling more denying than the rest of the world. He couldn't tell which, but all he could say was that he understood. He understood why someone might go bad, or why they might go a version of bad that has good intentions.
With that thought, the machines hooked up to Alex Rider began to beep quickly, and nurses rushed into the room. Alex didn't say a word, only kept on thinking about the world and how full of idiots it was.
And then, as it is with most people who understand the way and state of the world, Alex Rider finally found peace.
Snake couldn't help but think it was a clichéd way to die.
*
(1) Eagle's silly characterization (and most of K-Unit's) belong to Amitai, who deserves the proper credit for revolutionizing the way the AR FF community sees Wolf, Snake, Eagle, and Fox.
No, I am not sucking up. That much.
(2) BS is a card game usually played by very, very bored teenagers.
Well, this is my first Firm oneshot. Let me know how it is?