Game, Set, and Match
Rating: K+ (very mild cussing)
Author: Firebird
Disclaimer: If they were mine the show would not be cancelled, Greg Weisman would have received a knighthood, and there would probably be an X-rated episode out there dedicated solely to depicting Goliath and Elisa's exploration of the more physical side of their 'friendship'.
**
Score: Cat 1, Human 0
Elisa considered herself to be a strong, independent woman. Not that she had any objections to marriage, either in principle or as it might (theoretically, in any case) someday apply to her personally. But she enjoyed her independence: never having to run her plans past anyone, being able to eat microwave pizza for dinner every night if she felt like it without anyone complaining, never having the toilet seat left up or needing to fight for the TV remote.
But there were some things you just weren't meant to face alone, some crises which required, nay demanded, the presence of another, whose strong, steady hands might achieve what hers alone could not.
This was definitely one of those times.
"Cagney, you stupid creature, come here," she muttered. A low growl from somewhere beneath the dresser was the only indication that the cat had heard her. She examined her hands ruefully, first the bloody scratches, then the slimy yellow tablet which she still held between forefinger and thumb.
"You need this pill, cat," she informed her beloved pet, as though that might somehow make a difference. When it did not she straightened with a sigh, determining to abandon her task for the moment and go wash out the cuts which were already starting to throb and burn with the distinct, ominous foreboding that only a cat scratch could offer.
She was distracted from her self-administered first-aid by a familiar voice calling from the living room.
"Elisa? Are you here?"
She grinned. Just when she needed another pair of hands, who should appear but her self-appointed guardian angel.
"In the bathroom Goliath," she called back. There was no response, and she realised that there was unlikely to be one either, not after what had happened the last time she had unthinkingly told him that.
"It's okay," she reassured him, "you can come through. I'm just bandaging some cuts."
"Cuts?"
She heard the concern in his voice as his soft footfalls moved closer.
"What happened?"
"Oh, nothing much. Cagney and I just had a little difference of opinion over whether or not he should take his worming tablet. I lost."
"Worming tablet? Elisa, those look painful."
"Probably because they are." She towelled her hands dry, then reached into the medicine cabinet for some antiseptic and cotton wool.
"Where is Cagney now?"
"Probably under the dresser." She waved one hand absently in the direction of her bedroom before refocusing her attention on her hands, and therefore did not witness what happened next.
**
Score: Cat 1, Gargoyle 0
"Cagney?" Goliath called softly to the animal as he approached the cat's last reported hiding place. Crouching down, his sharp eyes could make out the shape of the cat, huddled against the wall as far away from him as he could get.
"Cagney, you must come out of there. Elisa needs to give you your tablet."
Even as he said it he knew it was absurd: Cagney was a dumb animal with which it was impossible to reason, and past observations had led him to the opinion that even if the creature had possessed the capacity for reason he would have been unlikely to employ it. Indeed, the only response his words received was a low growling sound which he had never heard the cat make before.
"Cagney," he repeated, reaching out slowly so as not to frighten the creature.
The growl changed, rising in pitch to a yowl, and before his mind could even process movement there was a blur of fur and a stinging pain in his hand. He cried out, surprised as much as hurt, and instinctively retreated. This had the effect of bringing his arm into sharp contact with the lower edge of Elisa's dresser, eliciting a second, quieter grunt as the edge bit into the muscle of his upper arm. The jolt in turn dislodged Elisa's hairbrush, which landed on his head. This time he simply froze, in the hope that ceasing all movement might prevent any further damage to his person.
Cagney backed away again, hissing.
"Goliath?" The noise brought Elisa from the bathroom, one hand in the middle of applying a band-aid to the other.
"I did not think that I would ever find myself defeated by something so small," he admitted, somewhat embarrassed.
To his further consternation, Elisa chuckled slightly.
"He got you too, huh?"
He held out his scratched hand in mute confirmation. Now that the initial shock had passed he was surprised by both the depth of the scratches and the throb that was already building along their course.
"Better wash those out," Elisa informed him. "In my experience, cat scratches have a nasty tendency towards the painful if you don't clean them up fast.
"They are painful now," he muttered.
"Trust me, they'll get worse."
**
Half-Time
Twenty minutes later, cuts bandaged and comforting mugs of coffee in hand, they convened a council of war at Elisa's dining table. Between them on a paper towel lay the damp and slimy remains of the worming tablet, mute confirmation that both an NYPD detective and a gargoyle warrior had been defeated by a small domestic feline. The enemy himself remained crouched in his makeshift bunker.
"So Cagney must be given this medicine to ensure that he does not fall prey to these... intestinal worms... which could weaken him and cause him to become ill."
"Not to mention be transmitted to me, yeah."
"And how do you normally go about administering the tablet?"
Elisa chuckled.
"With great difficulty. It was easier when he was a kitten: he was small and not so smart. I've tried crushing it up and sprinkling it on his food: he walks away. I grab him by the scruff of the neck, and he claws my hand. Mostly I go with the towel trick."
"The towel trick?"
"Wrap him up in a towel so that just his head is poking out, then force his jaw open and shove it down. But he seems to have wised up to that."
"How so?"
"He's realised that he can't jump up and get out of the towel, but he's discovered that he can always retreat back down through the tube it makes, and then get away. When I try to change my grip he climbs up my body and over my shoulder, then makes a break for it." She sighed. "I've seen hardened gang members that surrendered easier than he does."
"And how can I help with this situation?" Goliath asked.
"Well, if I can wrap him in the towel again and get you to hold him, I think I'll be able to force his jaw and get the tablet in. The problems really start when I have to loosen my grip on the towel to get the pill in his mouth. If you can take care of that...?"
Goliath nodded. "It seems simple enough. Now we just need to lure him out from beneath your dresser."
Elisa chuckled again. "Ain't gonna happen. He's staying there until he figures the coast is clear and I've forgotten about him."
"But he is a cat. Surely he is not capable of that kind of sustained reasoning and planning," he protested.
"Goliath, I love Cagney. You know that. I can't help it; I'm a cat person. But believe me when I say that all cats are small, furry sociopaths and, in certain very specific areas, they are very, very smart indeed."
"So how do we get him out?"
"One of us will have to reach in and grab him by the scruff of the neck."
Goliath sighed. "I was afraid you were going to say that."
**
Score: Cat 1, Human and Gargoyle Combined Team 0
"Remind me again why I am the one that must grab him?" he muttered a few moments later as he bent down to confirm that Cagney was indeed still beneath the dresser.
"Because I have more practice in the art of cat-wrapping," Elisa replied. "And also because I've been scratched enough for one night. Besides, which one of us spontaneously heals at sunrise?"
"And because I am sworn to protect you?" he asked, amused in spite of himself.
She smiled back at him. "That too, although at the time I never considered invoking your protection against my cat."
"And if I had thought it a possibility, I might seriously have reconsidered my offer," he replied.
"Goliath!" she exclaimed, feigning surprise. "You just made a joke."
"It has been known to happen from time to time," he informed her, unable to entirely suppress the laughter in his voice. Then he sighed and returned to the task at hand.
This time he reached around obliquely rather than aiming directly for the cat, his hand angled instead towards the back of his neck. A sudden dart forward, and he was dragging a stiff and hissing Cagney from his sanctuary.
"Perfect!" Elisa exclaimed. "Now give him to me."
But as he turned to do so, something went wrong. He must have loosened his grip slightly, because somehow Cagney squirmed loose. He bolted forward, escape clearly foremost in his mind, and scaled Elisa's body as she instinctively froze, a hiss of pain on her lips.
He paused for a moment, firmly stapled to her t-shirt, then launched himself forward over her shoulder. He ricocheted off the bed, claws scrabbling audibly on the linen, made a turn that any rally driver would have been proud of, and disappeared at speed through the door.
"Dammit!"
"Elisa, I am sorry, I do not know what-"
"Not your fault. Like I said, all cats are psychopaths. They're crazy-smart when they want to be. C'mon!"
She half-ran from her bedroom, and he followed her. Once he was out she closed the door behind him.
"Cutting off one line of retreat," she explained. "If he gets under the bed it's game over."
He nodded. There was no way he personally would reach after a crazed cat into the dark recesses beneath her bed, and he had faced Demona without flinching.
**
Score: Cat 2, Human/Gargoyle Combined Team 0
He spied Cagney sitting amongst the stored items atop her refrigerator, and pointed him out to her. She nodded and they began to stalk closer. They were almost there, Elisa reaching up to recapture him, when the cat exploded into life again. Canisters flew as he leapt from refrigerator to counter-top, slid on the smooth surface, recovered himself, leapt again, this time to the floor, bolted across the room, scaled the sofa in a single leap, and finally sought sanctuary beneath the TV cabinet.
"Dammit!" Elisa shouted, this apparently being her favourite word of the evening. Several canisters had sprung open on impact and her kitchen floor was now a mess of brown and white powders.
"We will catch him, Elisa," Goliath reassured her, but even as he said it he was wondering whether it was true.
**
Score: Cat 3, Human/Gargoyle Combined Team 0
This time it was Elisa who reached carefully beneath the cabinet. Cagney didn't wait to be grabbed; as her arm reached its furthest extension he raced forward and past her, running between Goliath's legs as the surprised gargoyle tried to keep his balance, and reached the top of the bookshelf just as Goliath lost his battle with gravity and crashed backwards onto the coffee table, which broke upon impact.
Elisa gasped in horror.
"Goliath, are you alright?"
"I think so." He pushed himself upright. "I am afraid I cannot say the same for your table. What now?"
Elisa gazed around the ruins of her apartment, at the mess which covered her kitchen floor, at the papers Cagney had scattered from the bench, at her friend sitting slightly dazed amidst the wreckage of her coffee table, and finally at the remains of the tablet, still clinging stickily to her bandaged fingers.
"Oh, the hell with it," she said at last, pulling a tissue from her pocket and wrapping the pill in it. "I'll take him to the vet tomorrow."
There was movement from the top of the bookshelf. As though sensing that the danger had passed, Cagney had raised himself from his defensive crouch and was licking the fur on his chest, a smug smirk of feline satisfaction written all over his features.
Final score: Game, Set and Match to the Cat.