He told me he didn't want to write it down. He said she'd find it.
"She'll search my room after I'm gone Isaac. I don't want her holding onto pieces of me. Not like that…" He had said one afternoon in his basement.
I pushed my glasses to the bridge of my nose. "I don't understand Augustus. You have something to say about her. Why not tell her? Why does it need to be written?"
"It doesn't need to be written. It doesn't need to be not written. It just has to be said, someway, somehow. And if I write it down, she will find it. And Hazel Grace cannot find out about what is about to be said."
I cocked my head, facing where I felt he was.
"And what are you about to say Augustus?"
I heard him take several slow deep breaths; his way of handling the nausea caused by his treatment.
"That girl loves her mom." He fell silent. I waited for more.
"That's it?"
"No!" Gus bellowed. "That is not it! That is everything! A part of what makes Hazel Grace so special is the bravery and fearlessness she carries towards every situation but that she refuses to self-discover. And although she is incapable of acknowledging or admitting it, her mom frightens her."
I sighed, annoyed by, but accustomed to being confused by my friend's philosophies. "You lost me bud."
"Take An Imperial Affliction. Hazel is overwhelmed by the unexplained fate of Anna's mother following her daughter's death. Err - you know who Anna-"
"Yes I know who she is. You've explained this book to me a dozen times. Continue."
"Right. She is desperate for a reality in which the parents of a child with cancer continue to live their lives."
"Aren't we all?" I asked.
"Yes, but not in the way Hazel Grace is. The content she wishes for, that she deserves, lies in the certainty that her mother will not be dilapidated by her daughter's death."
"So she wants her mom to be happy! You can't tell her this yourself because…"
"Because if she knew the capacity of love that she carries, it wouldn't be special anymore. She is oblivious to her beauty, and that is what makes her beautiful."
"You love her for it don't you?"
"Yes Isaac. I do. I love her for it."