Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.
I wrote this ages ago and just found it today. So I thought I might as well post it haha :)
There were too many thoughts running through Brittany's head the night New Directions won regionals. But lately this wasn't unusual. She hadn't stopped worrying for the past three weeks. Ever since she sang Landslide with Santana everything had felt unbalanced. She missed her best friend. She missed how they used to do everything together. But more than anything— she worried about her.
Directly after the show choir competition Mercedes hosted an after party in her house. Her parents were away for the weekend and the entire glee club was over as well as Kurt and few more of the warblers. The party was loud and despite the many warnings from Mr Schue against alcohol, it was obvious that everyone was tipsy at the least. Puck had "borrowed" around 12 bottles of vodka from his cousin and everyone was mixing their drinks with it.
Brittany was sat in the kitchen with Tina, Mike, Quinn and of course Artie. They'd been chatting for over an hour but no matter how hard Brittany tried to clear her head and enjoy the atmosphere, she just couldn't. Maybe it had something to do with the way Santana had reacted to her arrival at the party. She didn't even smile when Brittany waved at her. However she did make sure Brit was watching before sitting down sexily on Sam's knee and kissing him firmly on the lips.
I'm a bitch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings, feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences
"Brittany?" Artie's voice snapped her out of her thoughts and back to reality. She blinked as her friends eyed her sceptically. She could tell they all thought she'd been acting weird recently. Even more distracted and absent minded than she usually was. She could also tell that everyone knew it was something to do with Santana.
"Oops." Brittany responded with a small smile. Thankfully the unwanted attention didn't last long as Tina redirected the conversation back to herself and her lack of solos in the glee club. She could tell Artie was still watching her though. The slightly nerdy guy had already tried asking about a hundred times why her and Santana had fell out, but obviously she wasn't going to tell him anything. She would never betray Santana like that. Even if that meant having exactly no one to confide in.
It had officially been three weeks since they had had that talk. And apart from one short and awkward conversation in the corridor at school, they were strictly not on speaking terms. No phone calls, no texting, no sitting next to each other in class, and definitely no linking pinkies. Santana was still angry with her and trying extra hard to prove how straight she was. Somehow this only made Brit worry about her best friend more.
It's just, Brittany had known for a while now that Santana was probably not straight. For starters her and San had been sleeping together for two years now and she'd never doubted that her bestie wasn't into it. That's why she thought it was the right time to ask her what their relationship actually meant. But as Brittany watched the Latina across the room, drinking herself into oblivion, flirting exaggeratedly with Sam, she worried that she'd forced her to come to terms with something that she was evidently not ready to face.
Still I have to accept... that I love you. I love you. And I don't want to be with Sam, or Finn, or any of those other guys, I just want you. Please say you love me back, please.
Brittany kept replaying that conversation over and over in her head, and each time she remembered it she felt a little more guilty. Maybe because she'd always assumed Santana was bi like her. Santana had always acted so boy crazy. But if Santana was a lesbian then what was she doing with Sam? And why hadn't Brittany realised sooner?
"I need more vodka." Brittany announced out of nowhere. Mike raised an eyebrow before pouring his dancing partner another drink. Lifting the plastic cup up to her lips Brit started gulping down the sugary, alcoholic mix, aware that the entire group was watching her in amusement.
"Woah, slow down." Quinn placed a hand on her wrist in concern, but Brittany didn't stop until every last drop was gone. Her head instantly felt fuzzier and her stomach a little sick, but she didn't care. She just hoped that the alcohol would start to take affect soon so she could turn off her brain and forget about everything. That's what Santana was doing anyway.
Brittany recognised the sound of her best friends sobbing from two rooms away. The party was reaching it's peak and everyone was dancing and the music was blaring when she overheard her best friend burst into tears. Without a second thought Brittany left the room where she'd been dancing to find her.
Santana was sitting on the wall in the garden with Sam, Quinn, and Mercedes who all seemed alarmed that the ordinarily tough girl was apparently crying for no reason. Sam was attempting to wrap his arms around her to comfort her, but she pushed him off every time he tried.
"Babe I'm just trying to make you feel better!" Sam said, frustrated. He couldn't understand her behaviour recently and it was clear he was reaching breaking point. Although they'd all already seen Santana like this before at Rachel's last party, her crying was different. It was obvious she wasn't just crying because she was an emotional drunk.
"Santana do you want some water." Quinn stepped in sounding genuinely concerned.
"Just leave me alone! Please!" Santana sobbed, crying even heavier than she had been before. Sam motioned that he was giving up with his arms before storming off. He made eye contact with Brittany as they crossed paths but didn't say anything. He looked stone cold angry. Quinn and Mercedes both looked relieved when they saw the blonde girl approach them.
"San, sweetie whats wrong?" Brittany sat down in the space next to her friend. Santana was crying so loudly she wasn't even sure she'd realised it was her. Placing a gentle hand on her shoulder she started to rub small circle motions with her fingertips in an effort to relax her.
"I can't anymore.. I can't.." Santana cried incoherently. Mercedes and Quinn shared a puzzled look but Brittany understood.
"I know. I know." She slid her hand into Santana's, whose skin was wet with tears. "It'll be okay."
"How Britt?" Santana sobbed, looking directly at her for the first time in what felt like weeks. Brittany took a second to wipe away the wet mixture of makeup and tears from her friends cheeks. Even with half her makeup rubbed off she looked beautiful, but wiping the makeup away also revealed her heartbreak. She looked so done. Done with pretending to be happy, done with pretending to be straight, done with pretending she could pretend anymore.
"You just have to trust me." Brittany pleaded with her eyes. She was holding both of Santana's hands now as she continued to sob. Brittany felt her own eyes welling up as she realised she had no idea how to fix this. She wanted to kiss her to make her feel better. But she knew better than to do that in front of all these people.
Somehow word must have got out about the party as more and more kids from their school were showing up. And everyone who entered the garden including the warbler boys kept staring at them.
"Okay, obviously I don't know whats going on, but I think it might be better if you went upstairs to my room so you can have a moment of privacy, use the bathroom, get some quiet yeah?" Mercedes firmly persuaded Santana. The crying girl nodded allowing herself to be ushered out of the garden and away from prying eyes. Brittany followed a few footsteps behind. Her heart was aching. Was this her fault? Was it her who'd made Santana feel like this? Suddenly the familiar feeling of a pinky finger intertwining with her own hit her. She latched on and fell into step with Santana and Mercedes.
"Brittany! There you are!" Artie wheeled over suddenly, "Where have you been, my Moms picking us up in five minutes!"
"I- umm- I had to-" Brittany struggled to answer the question and her heart sank as she felt Santana's pinky whip out of hers like an electric shock. Instantly her eyes filled to the brim with tears. She was so close to Santana letting her back in, why did Artie have to choose now to interrupt.
"Just go." Santana broke the awkward silence.
"But San-" Brittany tried to protest.
"I'm fine okay, just go, go have fun with your boyfriend." Santana's throat was scratchy from all the crying and her voice quiet, but it was firm. Brittany felt two large tears rolling out of her eyes and down each cheek. She hated this. She missed her so much.
"Okay-" Brittany whispered, trying to meet Santana's eye one last time. But she didn't. Santana turned around and headed upstairs with Mercedes, deliberately not looking back.