"Detective Beckett."

Beckett nearly jolted out of her chair feeling like a kid that had just been called in by the principal. Doing her best to mask the discomfort, the detective pushed to her feet casting a glance at the girl beside her. "You don't have to wait."

Alexis smiled, "Of course I do." She simply stated and went back to reading.

Knowing that it was pointless to argue, Beckett took a breath of courage and followed the doctor into the office. She lingered by the door taking in the décor of the room unsure of what to do with herself. The room was small with a large desk in the middle with two small chairs tucked in the corner near a wall length bookshelf. For some reason she had pictured the room to have a couch somewhere.

"I'm Dr. Nathan Jules." The slightly older man with graying hair extended a hand to the detective.

"Kate Beckett." She briefly shook the outstretched hand before hastily dropping it.

Nathan gestured to the seats near the window, "Please have a seat."

Beckett complied and was surprised when the doctor took the seat next to her instead of the one behind the oak desk. For some reason it just made the nerves in her stomach quicken their dance. "I'm sorry." She apologized hiding her trembling hands.

The doctor gave her a warm smile trying his best to make the woman feel at ease. She was trying to come across as confident and in control, but it was easy for Nathan to see through the façade. She looked so vulnerable and broken, swamped in a baggy gray shirt and with her hair just thrown hastily into a bun. It was as if she was just trying to blend into the world in an attempt to disappear. He could actually feel the pain radiating from the detective. "Not one for therapy?"

"You can say I have a love-hate relationship with it." Beckett confessed thinking of the year long stint she did after her mother died. It was both a therapeutic as well as horrifying experience. "I umm did a year of it when my mother died. Well it was more forced onto me by the department after graduating the academy."

"Did you find that it helped?"

"It did." A silence filled the room and Beckett found her gaze traveling to the window. She wasn't sure how to handle this situation and it made her nervous. It was a well known fact that talking about feelings wasn't something that she was particularly good at.

It didn't take very long for Nathan to reach that conclusion. He had read her file the night before and it gave him only a fraction of the portrait that made Kate Beckett. As a cop, there wasn't a better one on the streets. Beckett worked every case as if it was her own mother's unsolved file. Always was the first one at the office and the last one to leave, if she did at all. Her police jacket was clean not one complaint or infraction had been filed telling Nathan that the detective took her job seriously and did it very well. But as far as her personal life, the doctor didn't have a clue.

"Let's start with an easy question." Nathan started, "How are you doing today?"

"I'm-." Broken. Lost. A shadow of the headstrong woman she was before the shooting. Beckett searched for an adequate word but only came up with, "okay." That couldn't have been further from the truth. She had just perfected the mask that told those who looked at her that she was fine, that she was healing. But in reality Beckett found herself struggling to keep from sliding down into the dark abyss of despair. Trying to keep the Pandora's Box from opening that she sealed away when her mother died. It was so easy to let it drive her to the brink where the thought of just ending it wasn't that far out of the question. If wasn't for the constant presences of Alexis, Martha, and Castle it would have taken her under the moment she left the hospital. She was so used to doing things alone and maybe by some miracle she could stand alone with this, but it was so much easier with someone standing by her. Not just someone, only Castle. He was the only person she trusted to share this burden with, the only person she knew that wouldn't abandon her when the weight got too heavy.

"Are you in any pain?" Nathan asked his voice drawing her out of her thoughts.

"Some, but it's getting better every day."

"But not as fast as you like?"

Beckett smiled, "No, but I'm trying not to push myself. The bullet did a lot of damage and I've been told a few dozen times that I'm lucky to be alive. It's just hard going from being in such great shape to being winded after a round of physical therapy. They say it's going to take maybe a year to get back to 90%. I've been told not to expect to ever be they way I was before especially since I'm missing a few organs."

"Who is the one keeping you in check to make sure you don't push yourself?"

"Lanie, my best friend since I joined the force, and the boys."

Nathan waited for her to continue only for her to close off. It was clear there were more people, but it was something that he was going to have to pull out of her. "And the girl in the waiting room." He watched her gaze drift to the door. "Who is she?"

"She is my partner's daughter." Beckett nearly said boyfriend, but that didn't seem like the right word to call Castle. It seemed almost childish because what Castle was to her transcended any title. The way he seemed to complete a part of her that she didn't know was missing couldn't be covered under the boyfriend category. If she was one for poetry Beckett would say that maybe soul mate would be the closest thing. God if Castle ever heard her say such a thing he would never let her live it down.

"Partner." Nathan smiled at the way the title was more like a term of endearment. "This would be Richard Castle, the man who tried to jump in front of the bullet."

It happened quickly, too quickly for Beckett to brace for the avalanche of emotions. The scene flashed before her, but this time it wasn't her bleeding with Castle looming over her telling her to hold on. Instead it was Castle's blood that coated her hand and her words begging him to stay with her. One moment that's all it would have taken for the bullet to hit him instead of her. A moment and he could have been ripped from her world. All the sudden Beckett found it difficult to breathe as she struggled to push the horrid images back into its box. Now she understood why Castle had told her his feelings at that moment in time. If she was in his position Beckett would confess her love because if he left the world without knowing she would hate herself.

Beckett was snatched from the twisted dream that could have been by a firm hand on her knee. "I'm sorry." Tears threatened to fall and it took all of Beckett's willpower to keep them at bay. "I'm so sorry."

Nathan slid a box of tissues across the table meeting her gaze, "I'm assuming that is a yes?"

The detective parted her lips to affirm his speculation, but then bit back on her words. Was she ready to spill every corner and chamber of her guarded heart to a man she was uncertain about. For Christ's sake it took her years to even gather the courage to admit to herself what her partner meant to her. How was she supposed to define all her emotions to some stranger with a PHD. "Yes Castle is my partner." That was all he was going to get for the time being.

Nathan wanted to push on with this line of thought, but knew that this wasn't something that needed to be touched on today. Instead he stuck to a safe path and asked, "How are you adjusting now that you're out of the hospital."

"It's been strange really." Beckett swallowed hard taking a moment to collect her scattered thoughts. "I'm used to pretty much working every waking moment that it's been hard to adjust to the stillness of life."

"Your doctors' and physical therapy appointments must keep you busy."

"More than I like." Beckett admitted rubbing her arm where she had been stuck just that morning. "I'm not a big fan of doctors or hospitals for that matter."

"I say anyone who has to spend nearly a month in one has the right to hate them. How did you keep yourself from going crazy?"

"Lots of board games, books, and visitors."

"What kind of books do you like to read?"

Beckett gave a small shrug, "mystery with a little bit of romance. I know it's strange, I mean why would I want to read about murder when I live with it every day."

"I don't find it that strange." Nathan assured, "My favorite books are physiological thrillers. I like to see another part of people that I don't get to truly see in life. I can get people to talk about what's inside them all day, but even then they don't tell me everything. The books give me an insight to the mind."

"It's the same thing that draws me to the books. To see the inside of a killer's head even in fiction gives me a slightly better understanding when trying to hunt them."

"Tell me." Nathan moved to the desk to pick up her file, "Why did you become a cop? Childhood dream?"

Beckett dropped her gaze to her hands as if they became the most interesting thing in the room. Talking of her mother was another thing that wasn't easy for her to talk about. "My mother's murder." She was pretty sure that Nathan could have figured that one on his own. "They never caught the guy and the detective on the case didn't give it his all. Now I know he intentionally did a half-ass job, but at that moment it just ignited this passion inside me. I wanted to be that detective that gave every case her all to make sure what happened to my mother's case didn't happen to anyone. I wanted to be that person who sought justice for those who need someone to stand up for them. Someone needs to speak for the dead and for the families who had their lives shattered by brutal death."

"And that someone is you." Nathan finished memorized by the passion in her face. Her reasoning was sound, but he couldn't help but ask the question, "Has there ever been a time where you think maybe this wasn't the right choice for you? That if that one event hadn't happened your life would have lead you into a different direction?"

To many times to count, she dared not say that aloud. That one event had changed so much in her life and brought more heartache than joy. But looking back on all the pain and tears, Beckett could never truly say with all her heart that her choice to become a cop was a mistake. She couldn't because if she had never picked up the badge it would have never led her to this moment in time. Never would have brought these incredible people in her life that had become her family. Beckett tried to think just a moment without Lanie, the boys, or the Castles and knew before that moment ended it wasn't a life she wanted. "I know that if that moment hadn't happened that my life would be different, but I never once regretted my choice to become a cop."

"Being shot doesn't change that?"

"No." Beckett didn't even need to think twice. It may take her some time to get back to the cop she was before, but she could never truly walk away from the job. "The moment I took up the shield I prepared myself that at any time I might take a bullet."

"I can't imagine there is any amount of preparing that could actually prepare for the moment actually happening." Nathan insisted.

"No it can't. But in the past year I've been nearly gunned down multiple times, stuck in a freezer where I nearly froze to death, and faced down a dirty bomb that threatened to destroy the city-."

Nathan broke in with a thought, "and how did you pull through each of those situations?"

Once again, the detective moved her gaze to the window hesitant to speak. There was a need to keep what was between her and Castle to herself for as long as she could. Beckett knew eventually that there would be no avoiding talking about it, just for this visit she would give him only as little as she could. "I wasn't alone." Every single time Castle had been by her side ready to face death by her side. Her mind went back to the day when they stood in front of the bomb and what still struck her was the fact that she hadn't been scared. Because if she was going to die it just seemed so right that it was Castle by her side at the end. Not Josh or her father, but him. Beckett couldn't help but be comforted by the fact that if they both died then she wouldn't have to think of a life without him. They would go out together because together they could face anything. Even death.

Nathan made a quick note and knew that they had reached a standstill in this session. He didn't want to push too much to make her close off to him completely. "I think today wasn't too bad was it?"

"I think I might have imagined worse." But boy was she glad that this was over. Because she wasn't sure if her trembling legs would support her, Beckett slowly pushed to her feet using the chair to make sure she remained upright. What she needed now was a distraction and knew that Alexis would be the best person for the job.

Nathan met her by the door offering his hand for the second time and was pleased that her hand didn't tremble when she took it. "It was great meeting you Detective Beckett. I look forward to our session next week."

Noticing the door swing open, Alexis tugged out her ear buds and greeted the detective with a warm smile. She noticed the shadows in the woman's eyes and wanted to do whatever she could to chase them away. "All done?"

Beckett did her best to smile, "Yep. I'm starving let's say we go and grab a bite to eat."

"Milkshakes at Remy's?" The teenager purposed.

"That sounds perfect." Linking arms with the girl, Beckett lead them towards the elevator. There was no better way she could think of spending her afternoon than with Alexis over milkshakes and thumb wars.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

They were quiet for most of the journey to the diner as Beckett was still trying to sort out all the feelings that had been drudged up in the past hour. She was still trying to get rid of the image of Castle bleeding in her arms from her mind. She could block out the memories of the late nights calls to drag her father out of bars. She could even forget the numerous dead bodies she had seen in her career. She could almost block out the image of her mother broken and bloody in some damp alley. But the image of what could have been haunted her even with her eyes open. What if that bullet had hit him instead of her? Beckett glanced at the redhead in the passenger seat who stared carelessly at the window. Just the thought of telling Alexis that her father might not make it, killed her. How would Alexis even recover from something like that? Nearly a decade had passed and she still struggled with her mother's death.

"Kate." Alexis reached over to touch Beckett's hand chasing away some of the shadows in her eyes.

"Sorry." Beckett apologized struggling with the tears that burned at the back of her throat. Taking a deep breath, she pulled into an empty parking spot outside of Remy's. She tried with all her might to remain somewhat in control whenever Alexis was around. "Let's eat."

"Wait." Alexis scrambled from the car to stop Beckett before she headed inside. "Please wait. I know I'm not my dad, but I've inherited his listening skills. And I'm stronger than I look so you don't have to pretend for my sake."

"You've been through enough." Beckett tried to explain. Witnessing the shooting as well as being subjected to the horrible feelings of the unknown as the detective fought for her lift was far more than anyone her age should go through.

"Weakest excuse ever."

The tone of her voice had a smile tugging at Beckett's lips. "I'm not on top of my game," she kindly reminded, leaning against the car.

Alexis followed suit, "It catches me off guard too." She didn't bother looking at Beckett. "At the most random moments most of the time. I could be with Ashley or ordering coffee and I just see him falling only he doesn't get up. You're there, but I can't get to him."

"You Castles and your Jedi mind reading trick." Beckett folded Alexis in a very tight embrace as they both fought off the horrible image. Alexis clung to her like a child, it was the first time Beckett ever saw her act like a kid. "I wish I could take those away, Alexis. I wish I could turn back the clock on so many things but I can't. Your father is okay and I think whether we like it or not we are stuck with him for a very long time. We stood in this exact same spot once and I told you that I will do everything I could to make sure your father came home to you and I will make sure I keep doing that." Now that she finally opened herself to the possibility of love and all the fantastic things it had to offer, Beckett was going to do everything humanly possible to keep it. To keep Castle because without him she would cease to exist.

"You make sure that you do everything in your power so you walk through the door too." Alexis softly begged the hitch in her voice causing the detective to tighten her hold. It seemed that all the women romantically involved with her father, her own mother included, seemed to walk out of her life at their convince with no care to how it affected Alexis. Beckett was different; she actually wanted to spend time with her and enjoyed it. Gina had always been forced and would spend the entire time on her cell phone talking to God knows who. And her own mother couldn't even bother to come for her birthday once again and the times she did, she would end up flaking at the last moment. "I don't think my father can handle it if he loses you, I know I won't be able to. You've been more of a mother to me in the last three years than my own has my entire life. I keep waiting for you to walk away to-."

"That's never going to happen." Beckett cut her off taking the girl's face in her hands. It seemed like this whole ordeal caused a lot of pain and painful feelings to be stirred in everyone involved, not just her. "I can't promise that my job won't take me away or that I won't die in some freak accident, but I promise you that I will do everything humanly possible to never leave you. And I will never-NEVER walk away from you Alexis. No matter what happens between your father and I, I will always be there for you because I love you. I loved you long before I started dating your father."

Tears shinning in her eyes, Alexis gave her a gentle yet powerful hug that had the detective stumbling a few steps back. "I love you too, Kate. I'm so glad that my dad found you."

Laying her cheek on top of Alexis's head, Beckett found herself smiling, "No matter what I may have said before, I'm glad too." They fell silent holding each other as the emotions washed through them. Beckett never thought therapy would have this affect on her life in such a short time. "Hey you think maybe while we eat you can share your Jedi ways so I can use it on your father?"

Alexis pulled away smiling her cheeks damp with tears, "yes, young padawon, I will teach you the ways of the Jedi."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Through the music blasting in his ears, Castle heard the door close signaling the return of his daughter and partner. He resisted the urge to rush out to greet them. Therapy was something that Beckett was still wrestling with. It was something that the department forced upon her before she was truly ready. So she was going to need space and time to think and if she wanted to share the experience with him it would have to be on her terms.

Once Alexis took off towards her bedroom, Beckett shrugged out of her jacket to toss it over the railing of the stairs and smiled when she caught sight of Castle. He was sprawled in one of the chairs with his feet propped up on the coffee table laptop in hand. Judging by the way his foot tapped Beckett knew that he had his headphones in and if she stood around long enough she would be graced with his singing. How quick this became so normal should have scared her because her life seemed to be changing every time she turned around, but nothing ever felt so right. Coming home after a day with Alexis to find Castle perched in the living room was so domestic and perfect.

Her smile growing wider, the detective crossed the room to lean down and drape her arms over his shoulders so she could nuzzle her cheek to his. Beckett heard the quick intake of his breath surprised by the sudden display of affection. Sometime during her stay at the hospital she realized that he was the one always reaching out to touch. It was something that Beckett was working on to reverse. She was never a really touchy feely kind of girl or so she thought. But maybe it was just she never truly felt so drawn to a person that she needed to have some form of contact with them. All she knew was that whenever Castle was in arm's reach, Beckett just had this incredible urge to touch some part of him. Almost as she was reassuring herself that he was real and he was hers. "Hey handsome," Beckett greeted as she trailed a hand down his chest until it linked with his.

Castle turned until their mouths were mere inches apart, "Well hello there beautiful." Her fingers found their way into his hair and he closed his eyes savoring the feeling. This was definitely not the mood he pictured she'd be in after her being forced to talk about feelings for an hour. "I missed you." It was stupid really, they had seen each other just that morning, but he was just so used to being around her that he almost didn't know what to do with himself when they were apart.

"I missed you too." Laughter bubbled out of her as Castle gave her a hard tug sending her sprawling into his lap where it was lost between the caverns of his lips. She loved how easily she could lose herself in him. Something else that was new and exciting. "You got a good kid there, Castle."

The corner of his mouth lifted in a proud smile, "I've been told that once or twice. Good thing she has all the good qualities we Rodgers possess." He brushed her hair from her slightly pale face. He could tell that the events of the day had drained her and at one point had made her cry. Though it seemed like she had tried to hide it with makeup, her eyes were red and slightly swollen. "You okay?"

"Tired." She whispered pillowing her head on his shoulder indebted that she always found solace in his arms. "Thank you."

"For what?"

Where on earth did Beckett even begin? "For everything. For reading to me every moment I was unconscious. For staying by my side every day at the hospital. And the nights you were banned, for talking to me on the phone until I fell asleep." Her voiced hitched as it was overflowing with emotions. There was just so much that she needed to tell him if only she had the words. Forever wasn't enough time to express just how grateful she was for this man and his incredible family. "Thank you for being there every time I woke and for rocking me through the tears of my nightmares. For just always being there when I don't even know I need it. Thank you for loving and understanding me enough to be ever so patient as I try to find myself again." That was possibly the one thing she was most grateful for. Castle had been so patient with the progression of their relationship, somehow being okay with late night cuddles, talks, and long kisses and never pressing her for anything more. Any other man would have gotten tired after a month of nothing but that and walked away. Not Castle.

"Kate."

"Shh." She begged knowing if she stopped then she would never get everything out. It didn't help that seeing tears in his crystal eyes nearly made it impossible to continue. "I love you. God I love you so much. I might not say it often or show it the way you do, but I promise you I'm getting there. I never want you to doubt for a second what you mean to me. Because I love you Richard Castle more than I've ever loved anyone. It scared me for so long, but no more. I love you." It felt so good to say the words so freely. "And your daughter and mother. I love-."

Castle slammed his mouth to hers no longer fighting the tears. It felt like he waited a thousand lifetimes to hear those sweet words fall from her lips. And he could have waited a thousand more because she was worth it. There was no other woman for him beside Kate Beckett. He might have hit a couple road bumps on the way, but eventually he found the right path that lead to her. "I love you Kate." He chanted between kisses as their tears mingled on their lips. "Don't ever thank me for loving you. Don't ever think there will be a day where that love will stop because it's never going to happen. And I'll wait for you as long as it takes. My whole life if you need, Kate. I will wait until my dying day for you because there is no one else for me."

"I don't deserve any of this." But she'd be damned if she would let anyone take it away from her.

"I'll be the judge of that." Castle assured her, "So I guess therapy went okay?"

A watery laugh escaped her, "you can say that."

So I did have really really bad writers block so this might suck but I want to hear what you guys thought. Good, bad and the ugly leave it in a review! All is welcome!