Lona here. A little different than what I usually write, but I think it turned out pretty well. All I did was open up a Word doc and began to type up whatever came to my head. That may come back to bite me in the ass, but oh well.
Obviously, Castle will blame himself for all that has happened. If I were in his position - or if my fictional character, Richard Parker, was in his position - this is what I think would be his train of thought.
Now I know it's a bit off from what the Happy-Go-Lucky Castle would think, but my guess is, he won't be the same guy this upcoming season :)
Enough of my babbling.
Enjoy!
What's the purpose in holding onto something that's trying to let go?
There is no reason, because whatever it is you are holding onto, is just going to slip out of your hands. That is, unless you are holding it with your heart. What else could feel someone with no sense of touch? Or see the pain that hurts so much. Or be the support; someones crutch.
Whats the purpose in holding onto what's trying to let go? It depends. If it's your hands, there is no meaning. But if it's your heart it means everything.
If there was one thing Richard Castle knew, it was that he was selfish.
Now, you may be arguing by now. But, on that dark hospital rooftop sits a man. A selfish man.
A man whose only want and need in the world is for her to be okay.
Why? Cause this man needs her like we need oxygen. He wants to take her away for himself, breathe her in, and hold her in his arms forever. He wants her for himself. For no one else but him for all eternity; for the rest of their lives.
This man - this shell that once held a lively human being - is sitting in a rooftop corner with his head in between his knees. His recently cut brown hair was short and ruffled beyond repair by shaking hands. The hands that once gave that woman all she ever needed, were the hands that caused her all this pain.
He barged into her life.
He dug up her mothers murder.
He made her kill Coonan.
He almost killed Ryan and Esposito.
He killed Montgomery.
He killed Lockwood.
He's killing her.
The stubble on his jaw scratched his palms as he roughly scrubbed his face in frustration. The faded yellow folder sat by his thigh, mocking him as it glowed slightly in the moonlight. His lifeless blue eyes glared at the folder that held Katherine Beckett's life. Her purpose. Her career. Her motivation. Everything that she molded her life to. Everything that made her cry herself to sleep tonight. What stopped her from becoming a lawyer, a doctor, a singer. What made her hide in no where relationships with men she doesn't love. What made her keep one foot out the door, while pushing away the man who would wait forever and a year for her.
It held everything that had killed 14 innocent people. In that group held: Johanna Beckett and Roy Montgomery.
As he thought it over, it could either end one of two ways.
He can keep the folder, but not do anything about it. Not open it nor tell anyone he has it. Risk his life, his families life, Beckett's life, and the boys' life. Probably add a few more innocent civilians and cops to that. Making it at least 6 more murders.
Or,
He could open the folder in secret, go rogue, and investigate under the radar by himself. Find the sons of bitches that dared to touch a hair on Katherine Beckett's head, and kill them by himself. That wouldn't risk a life other than his own. Ending her worry and misery; keeping her and his loved ones safe.
It was the ultimate sacrifice, but he had made a promise.
And Richard Castle intends to keep that damn promise, no matter what the cost.
You wanna know why?
Because Katherine Beckett is extraordinary. She is beautiful, sexy, pretty, brilliant, kind, gentle, caring, passionate, bad ass, and some other things that words couldn't even hope to describe.
She's all those things and more, but all those things aren't the reason why.
It's because he's selfish. Richard Castle wants the smile that graces her face to be because of him. He wants her heart to be his. He wants her to be his. He wants to kill her mother's murderer with his own two hands. He wants to be the reason why she can find herself. He wants to be the one to find justice for her.
He wants to do it all. All of it.
Every.
Single.
Damn.
Thing.
Because he's selfish.
Because he's a writer.
Because she's everything he wishes he could be and more.
Because he loves her.
Because he was close enough to watch the lights go out.
Because she wanted him there when they catch the sons of bitches who had Coonan kill her mother.
Because he was close enough to watch the lights go out.
But most importantly,
Because she said always.