I don´t own them: all character you don´t recognize belongs to me though.

This story popped into my head while rethinking 6.08, although I really liked Rory and jess in this one I couldn't stop thinking about jess not being with rory, but with someone else.

This story is based on a literati because I'm the biggest lit shipper ever..lol, due to some things that are gonna happen, this also will contain major jess/ other moments.

Jess's POV:

I was lying in bed, motionless, all energy gone from my body. My brain had yet to grasp the events that had happened lately.

I tried lifting my arm up as if to see that I was still alive, but my brain was too weak to transport the information to the muscles in my limbs. I tried moving my legs, same non responding there, I couldn't even get my head to turn around to look at the alarm clock that was standing next to me on my nightstand. It had to be somewhere around midnight, maybe even early morning, hell it could have been noon and I wouldn´t have been able to tell the difference. I remembered climbing into bed last night (was it only last night?), slightly drunk and ready to die on the inside, but despite the fact that I wanted to take some pills that would end this misery so badly, I couldn't. Part of my inability to end it was that I simply couldn't get my body to move (where should I get those pills from anyhow?) and the other part was that I was responsible for Oliver.

I listened to the sirens that were interrupting the fake, ironic silence of the night. I could practically see the paramedics behind their wheel as they rushed to some place or the other trying to save lives. Ironic, isn't it? Here I was lying thinking about doctors and paramedics fighting for someone's life when they couldn't have saved hers. I blinked quickly as the tears started to fall again. I was never one who would cry easily, hell, when was the last time I had cried anyhow? I drifted off with my thoughts and began a long journey searching my soul and body for any emotion I had experienced in the last couple of days. While I was still staring off into space, the huge, dark blue clock was ticking happily on the wall, as if it was mocking me. Cry cry cry …. Every "tick" from the wall, tightened my throat even more, made it all to real, made the minutes pass by; the minutes I couldn't stop from passing although I desperately wanted to. Absently I wondered that maybe, maybe, I could try to make the last year and more importantly the last year's memories vanish, once I'd take the batteries out of the clock. I chuckled sadly. No, that wouldn´t stop the earth from turning around its axis, it wouldn´t stop the empty feeling inside my chest, it would just stop the mocking sound that was burning holes into my brain and heart. I tried to look up when I heard footsteps approach my bedroom door, but I couldn't come up with the energy. It was only when I saw two bare feet, partly covered by too long pyjama pants, that I was able to finally gain control over my body parts again.

" Hey kiddo, can´t sleep?" I asked the vulnerable, small boy in front of me.

His blue eyes bore into mine, questioningly. I had to muster up all my strength to not avoid his eyes. It hurt so much looking straight into his eyes that were so similar to his mom's.

" Can I sleep with you, Dad?" Oliver asked in a soft voice, as if he wanted to comfort me. Sometimes the fact that he had only recently turned six astounded me. I silently nodded and lifted the blanket up so he could slip under it. He snuggled into my body and breathed heavily. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms protectively around my son's waist. I was about to drift off to sleep when I heard Oliver mumbling:

" Dad, I don´t get it. Grandma Lorelai told me that we were gonna go say goodbye to mommy tomorrow, but it was her who left, shouldn't she be the one to say goodbye to us? I mean…I just miss her. Why wouldn´t she say goodbye?" it broke my heart to see Oliver like this.

He was hurting and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. If it had been his stuffed animal that had lost an eye or if his favourite book had gone missing, yeah, then I could have helped him. I would have glued the eye back to the animal's face, maybe I would have put a band aid around it to make it seem like it had been hurt, I would have bought a new book, but there was no way in hell I could make Rory come back to life. I sighed and tried to formulate the words.

" You know, Oliver, Mom didn´t want to go, she had to. She would have never left us behind if there would have been any other option. She loved you too much to let you go, kid. I…" Oliver interrupted my speech.

" Why doesn't she love me anymore? You said, she loved me, when did she stop loving me?" I could only take so much. I swallowed hard, in addition to the emptiness and despair I was feeling right now, I had to deal with the fact that Oliver thought Rory didn´t love him anymore. I turned him around, so that he was facing me. His eyes were now red and puffy, his nose was running and his cheeks were flushed. I leaned down and whispered, my face only inches away from his, my hands grabbing his shoulders, not tightly but carefully.

" Don´t you ever think that mom doesn't love you anymore. You were her everything, her world, she loves you with all her heart, but she won´t be able to tell you that anymore. It´s up to you to keep mommy's love alive" I touched his heart and added:

" Right in there. She's gone, baby, but maybe someday we're gonna meet her again. You know she can still see you, she's watching your every move." Oliver wrinkled his nose.

" Even when I'm reading although I should be cleaning up my room?" I smiled at this.

" Especially then." we fell silent for the longest time, and it seemed that Oliver had to think about what I had said to him.

" She won´t tell you, right?" I leaned back on my back and pulled Oliver down with me, feeling relieved by his natural naivety. I stared at the ceiling, counting the cracks and I was sure somehow Rory would stay in contact with us.

" You bet, she will." I closed my eyes tightly, swallowing back the tears that were threatening to fall. I needed to stay strong, for Oliver's sake. And before I drifted off to sleep I silently prayed that I wouldn´t lose it tomorrow. At my wife's funeral.

So, what do you think, good? Bad? Tell me please and review! Pretty please ? This is gonna be a multi chaptered story, although I have finals coming up and I don´t know if I'm gonna be able to update soon. Stay with me please. I know, it´s been done before.

Next chapter: the funeral and many flashbacks.